Day 6
Woke up earlier than normal this morning having work on my mind...so, I got up and did an hour worth of work before heading to the gym as I intended. I must say, being active again at the gym has help tremendously with my mentality. I feel like I have control of my thoughts and emotions right now, and I feel really good about the direction I am going.
I can't say that I don't have thoughts about, or impulses to partake in, gambling, they are still common occurances right now; however, I seem to be able to manage my emotions and thought process very well when the thought of gambling arises. I've been able to reflect on why I don't want to gamble, how it always results in some form of loss, and how I am far better without it. Between therapy and being active I am able to quell the urges and recognize when I am in a bad place mentally - by distracting myself I have been able to overcome recent urges and impulses and that feels good.
Today I am happy, and today I will not gamble!
JB
Day 7
Well Ive made it one week again! Feeling good about my actions and direction - talked with my partner about where our finances are at, yesterday, and we are in a good place-far better than when I had initially come clean with my problem. Ive paid off 50% of my debts in 9 months, and should have the rest paid off by early next year! That feels good.
Today I am undertaking a garden project to add on 4x12 ft of patio in our backyard - this will keep me busy and out of trouble. Excited to get going shortly.
Today I will not gamble.
JB
Day 8
Another good day in the books - I managed to complete my patio addition, use the dirt in other wholly areas around my yard and can now proceed with grass seed. Its been awhile since Ive felt happy about my actions and the completion of the project really makes me feel good. I had almost zero gambling thoughts yesterday, which confirma that being distracted really helps focus on other things. Can retrain the mind to do other rewarding tasks, rather than focus on a chance for online winnings.
I get paid this week and can pay down another chunk of debt - any extra savings I think ill put towards paint, as my wife and I desperately need to paint our Kitchen and Room.
Today is sunny, hot and humid - I am in good spirits and I will not gamble today.
keep on keeping on.
JB
Day 9
I woke up this morning groggy, having memory of dreaming of slots….felt very under rested and unsettled when I awoke. My dream consisted of a big win, recurring losses, followed by a blow up between my wife and I over it. A sign one might say - always 2 losing events for every win, and a reminder to myself that acting on a gambling impulse generally will result in losses, feeling hopeless, ashame, mad, etc. All situations and emotions I can control by abstaining!!
I did go to the gym this morning and felt mich better after - it reset my mind for sure but also left me with a headache. My routine has been good, and keeping at it keeps my healthy both mentally and physically.
off to work - Today I will not gamble!
JB
Day 10
Feeling good again today - woke up early and did a workout, ate healthy and spent some time with my son before taking him to daycare. I haven't had much thoughts of gambling since my dream about it yesterday. Actually, the dream I can recall from last night was one of times when I was much younger and involved a few good friends I haven't seen in awhile. I sort of feel like it was a sign to reach back out to them, as we spent so much time together in our teens and early 20's before life got hectic and our paths slowly drifted apart.
I am glad that I still am connected with the 6 or 7 friends I spent the most time with growing up, despite not being as attentive with them as we may like - but that's the result of growing up and starting families and careers. But, haven't them in my back pocket, just a call, text or short drive away is nice. It's important to make time for them too, as we need outside perspective on many things. Friends generally provide a good time, good advise, and sense of relaxation one may not always get at home. Keep them in your lives, they are an important part of building, or rebuilding, a solid foundation for self-love, self-trust, and self-development.
Give them a call - it never hurts!
Today I will not gamble, and today I feel happy and inspired.
JB
Day 5
I havent posted since Monday because about 10 hours after I made my last post I got an email from a casino and after about two hours of internal debate and reasoning I justified spending $150 to gamble… I had felt so happy that morning and the days leading up to it…and now I just feel hopeless.
This sparked a discussion with my wife as I needed to come clean about it, which turned into a 3 hr discussion about both our internal struggles and financial situation and insecurities. I eventually agreed to hand over my accounts for awhile. I havent had any issue paying any bills or mortgages payments, but my wife is fearful that could one day change if I don’t really focus on myself and discovered and understanding my triggers and how to better manage them.
Truthfully the whole situation made me angry, anxious, sad and hopeless. I have made some progress in the last 10 months, but I still don’t have the self-discipline to say no. Im mad at myself for succumbing to gambling again, I’m anxious and sad because I now have no access to my own bank accounts, which is terrifying, and it all makes me feel hopeless right now bc I feel like a complete failure. I know its for the best right now, and I will get more comfortable with it over time…just the freshness of it all is crippling.
One thing I did on my own was begin the process of terminating all my online accounts as much as possible - most casinos have been very helpful with this and have permanently closed my accounts with no reactivation possible. Previously I had only self-excluded for 1 or 2 years timelines not really understanding how gambling was really affecting me at this time, thinking that would be enough…but I now know this is with me for life and preventing access to online casinos is a good start to walking down the right path.
Today will be a tough day, my emotions are all over the place for the first time since I started my recovery last September; but, this is the first day of this path of the recovery and hopefully things start to become clearer and lighter in the many days the follow.
I have not gambled in 5 days, and today I will not gamble.
JB
Day 6
I woke up this morning feeling a bit sad but after a discussion with my wife yesterday about managing my finances it was apparent I was over reacting to the situation. I won’t be locked out of my finances, just wont have access to them unless she’s with me - meaning every pay cheque we will sit down and allocate funda appropriately. That way ill know what I have to spend each pay and she’ll be confident Im not accessing credit to fuel a gambling addiction. Between that and now being permanently exlcuded from 15 online casino brands, I think some positive steps have been made to help me get back on track.
to date ive paid off 55% of my gambling debts and still have some small savings - my wife has the majority of savings for us. Good thing.
I over-reacted yesterday for sure, probably a defensive response to gambling and having things taken away - but again, for the best.
seeing my parents today and will tell them about my recent struggles.
Today I will not gamble.
JB
Day 8
"The Universe is saying to you today: 'An important phase is ending in your life, and this is taking place for karmic reasons that will soon become obvious. These necessary endings and closures will lead you to find your true life path and purpose which you are prompted to fully undertake'."
This passage showed up on a social media feed today. I am not one to really follow astrology or any of that stuff, but this particular quote stood out to me. Based on everything that's been going on with me and battling my gambling habits, I very much welcome this phrase/passage. I think it's very obvious that I want to end this chapter of my life, and there are several things in place now to help me progress in this direction. One thing I really need to work on is my emotional awareness - because that is one trait that has held me back in several other parts of life, and is a very strong preventative measure for gambling when you can recognize your emotions and how they trigger urges and vice versa. I will be working on this daily.
One day at time for now. Today I will not gamble.
JB
Day 11
Well I made it past 10 days this time around :)! That's an alright start for the 6th time.Â
I feel like today I am making good decisions and some small mental progress. For the first time, when I had an urge to gamble, I stopped what I was doing and came on this forum to write down what's going on. A few hours ago I received an email about an online casino offer, one that I was not familiar with, and I instantly deleted the email. It's been several hours and I found myself thinking about it and going into my junkbox to look further at it. This gave me a bit of anxiety and I could feel my chest and gut squeezing in on itself wanting me to satisfy the urge. My thought process has been don't give in, think about what you want, long term goals, and moving forward past this urge.
Putting my thoughts on paper is helping and once I have completed this I will distract myself with more work (as I should be working now anyways). Despite the good and bad thoughts going on, I feel like this was a good decision and step in the right direction - I needed to remind myself of what I want and remember that I do have strength in this as long as I take the right steps and make good decisions. It's a battle of endurance and determination.Â
one step at a time - trust the process
Today I will not gamble.
JB
Day 71
I haven't written anything in awhile because I've really been focusing on bettering myself, staying honest, and communicating with my wife. It's been a busy end of summer with activities, which are now at an end and so comes the slow months of Fall and Winter. I have been trying to coach myself into heading back to the gym regularly, however it's been difficult and I've been slacking in this effort - I think I just need a week to relax after the end of a good sports season.
I have recently taken on a second form of therapy, as my wife asked me to try something different inconjuction with my first therapist. This second form of therapy is more geared towards gambling woes, and also involves a group setting if I am interested. I am torn with the group therapy, but interested. There is a HUGE fear of discussing my problem in a setting as such, but I know that everyone there would be in the same position - it is just a support group, and I know deep down it would be beneficial for an understanding of how this problem truly effects myself and others. I've only have one session with my second therapist, one on one, and it seems like we will click. This means I can do therapy 3 times a month for the next 5 months as my healthcare covers the second form of therapy. I feel like this will be incredibly helpful as I come to paying off my debts and moving into a world and lifestyle where I can start to save again in a healthy manner.
My relationship with my wife, I feel, is improving. I am trying to be supportive in her needs, but also to communicate my needs and feelings when situations require that I do. I have also been educating myself on relationships, communication, and approaching situations in a more positive manner - whereas previously I might have come across as defensive or ignorant. I know that my actions over the past years have been incredibly damaging to myself, my wife, my marriage and my family, and I do still carry guilt towards that - they deserve better, as do I. My mental health is important in all of this, and I must continue to strive to be healthy in all facets of life, being physical, mental and emotional. Routine helps, communication helps, and education helps. All things I am capable of.
I will continue to strive towards being a better me, and I will trust the process!
Today I will not gamble.
JB
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