Restart and Reprogramme Diary

Hey CW,

That first week is a tough one, all the emotions rolling about inside and trying to come to terms with that last binge. Gambling takes away many things, and that respect, love and responsibility for yourself is just one of those things it strips away.

Have a good day with your son, well done on completing that first week. Keep it up.

Ryan

Hi Ryan

Thanks for response and encouragement. We all just keep going one day at a time, best wishes in your recovery too 🙂

Day 9 of restart and feeling okay. Reprogramming continues, I am putting the feelings and needs of my family first. I'm taking some time to read posts from others and I'm also having some meditation time in the morning to get myself into a positive frame of mind. I am asking the Higher Power to be with me during the day to help me put the needs of my family before my addiction. It is working so far, wishing everyone a healthy and positive day 🙂

T x

Day 10

Reprogramming continues. Start morning with a meditation. Also getting into my non gambling routine, getting my house work done and spending more quality time with my boy before he goes back to school.

Now that I am starting to step away from gambling I am seeing some of the reasons behind it happening in the first place.

I first went on to a bingo site out of boredom 7 years ago. I had been under a disciplinary at work , at the time I worked as a family support worker and it was a minefield . My job was to help families on day to day tasks and support them in keeping their children under 5 at home with them . I worked with social services and fed back family progress to social work .

An incident happened with one of my families and a child got hurt. I reported it back but my boss had been having a personal go at me for weeks before hand. In fact she had been bullying and intimidating me on a regular basis. So when I reported the incident which to me looked like an accidental injury she said that I had not followed procedure, and suspended me.

I was in limbo for over 6 months, my hearings were delayed. Letters being 'sent' to me but not delivered . More allegations about my supposed Mis conduct were being raised it was a horrible time. When my disciplinary hearing came round 2 of the 3 allegations were not upheld and the allegation with regards to the child was upheld and I was given a verbal warning.

Anyway blah blah blah, it had been a traumatic time and it stopped my plans in a career in Social work right there on its tracks. I felt I could not put myself in that position again to being so open to spurious allegations so I resigned from my post.

It was during this time that I started gambling, I guess I was not used to being at home on full pay with nothing to do.

I saw the bingo as some light entertainment , enjoyed the chat rooms and quickly found my way to the slots.

So easy to find your way there but not do easy to get back from .

Today I am grateful that I have found this site, after 7 years I can see the reason this started. I will not let they way I was treated by my former boss dominate the rest of my life. Any further bets would keep me glued to that feeling from 7 years ago. I am no longer a victim of bullying.

Yes I had my career snatched from me but I guess it wasn't meant to be. It makes no sense to continue destroying myself over it now.

If anyone reads this then thanks , and have a good day 🙂

Hi Cannae

We have all had our triggers which started the gambling (I too quickly went from bingo to slots at a bad time in my life) but that is now our past. We cannot change the past, we can only learn from it. The past is what has made us what we are today which are good people who lost our way. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle life's problems without the 'crutch' that gambling provided. But I have now realised that after a gambling binge the problems are still there - only worse with the feelings of shame, guilt and disgust and even more money thrown away.

You are doing well. Look to the future.

Elfie x

Thanks Elfie.

Today is start of day 11. Bit of a wobble today but not going to gamble. Me and the hubster had a few glasses of wine last night, I don't tend to drink much so when I do I can get some nasty hangovers. I have a nasty hangover this morning along with a nasty urge to gamble . Not going to give in to it and will now have to be mindfull if I'm having a few drinks that it seems to trigger the urge to gamble.

Day 15

Gathering some momentum now and feeling good 🙂

Hi CW, have gained from reading your posts. Thanks for that and for being so honest and open...I can totally identify with the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that you mentioned. I have been there before and unfortunately I am again today, due to a gamble yesterday on the slots....my addiction of choice.

However today is day one and a new beginning. I am posting in Recocvery diaries every day from now on in the hope that it will keep me on the right road.

I am exhausted with having gambled for years now and the affect it has had on me. I don't want it anymore and have to deal with the fact that my fear of scarcity and poverty has led me to the very edge of what I have been scared of.

Taking one day at a time and best of luck and well done to you for staying gambling free x

Hi Alana

Thanks for reading and replying , none of us have magic wands in here nor can we see into the future. One day at a time is all we can do and that is true of your first day or your 100th day. There is loads of support in here and a feeling of power in numbers. The gambling industry lures people in and then we trap ourselves. If you can entrench yourself in recovery and helping others to recover you can turn these habits around and set yourself free.

Wishing you all the best, keep reading and posting and take each day as if it's your first x

Thanks CW, will do my very best 🙂 x

This time 3 weeks ago I had a huge binge on the slots. I blew 300 in just over an hour . On the Sunday night I felt so bad that I considered taking my own life. I can never put myself in that place again. I am grateful now to have hit my rock bottom and I have accepted that I cannaewin when I gamble because everything goes back in the slot. Thanks gamcare for being here, this page and the forums have helped me so much x

Hi CW

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

You made the right choice - well done and keep going.

Elfie x

Thanks Elfie, have a good week x

Hi Cannae

Welcome back and well done to you for coming back

I can relate to your story because my last day of betting on 28/04/14 I ridiculously took yet another pay day loan out for 300 and lost the whole lot on online slots

That was my goodbye too because I had no more to give to slots it was the end of my world too

Well done on 3 weeks, keep moving forwards taking one day at a time, we can't change the past but we can change our future

Suzanne x