Road of recovery

Hi CJ,

Thanks for being open and honest about your story. It sounds like you have had a challenging time. I can imagine it has been tough for you but I'm glad you have taken the time to come on here to talk about. 

Glad to hear you are on your 6th day gamble free, it does getter easier with time so hang in there. It is a positive step you are going to be starting CBT sessions soon and as you mentioned, hopefully the tools you cultivate will aid you in recovery. 

I know it can be hard to open up about having a gambling problem but glad you were able to  share this with your dad. I would encourage you give our helpline a call on 0808 8020 133 and our 1:1 Livechat are both open 24 hours every day a call where you can talk to our friendly advisors about your gambling and can talk you through methods on how you can stop gambling, they can even get you referred for free 1:1 treatment if you are interested.

I'm wondering if you have considered putting gambling blocks in place to prevent anymore gambling harms. You might want to have a look at Gamstop. Once registered, this will self exclude you from all UK licensed sites. You can also contact your bank to block gambling transactions on your card. We are also offering a free promotion on Gamban (blocking software that blocks websites worldwide on your devices) you can get this via our Helpline.

In addition to gambling blocks above, looking a ways to fill your time with things you enjoy and make you feel good can be very helpful in recovery. Investing your time in activities or hobbies that fulfil you.

I hope this helps a bit.

Wishing you all the best CJ and keep posting.

Vanessa 

Forum admin

As i have gotten older i have learnt its best to just forget about the losses ...... just let them go the moneys not instantly coming back unless you get back on them tables and theres a 90% chance you will just increase the damage 

i did about 400 quid in a fortnight ago , was P****d off wanted to chase until i had it back ....if i had i would probably be sitting here today about 2K down 

sometimes you just have to know when your beat and come to your sense no point chasing good money after bad 

Thank you both for the good words, I will make use of the helpline, I think having both ways of accessing help will do a lot. 

The gamban is definitely the next step, I’ve self excluded from everything I can think of but that will nail it down, I wonder why I’ve not done it sooner.. 

You are right maxmaher, it’s a vicious cycle and not one I’ve ever been able to break. 

Feels like it’s taking energy just to avoid the gambling, my Twitter is full of it. A reduction in social media wouldn’t be a bad thing though. I’ve an old inflatable kayak I intend on using once we get some good weather, want to get into the habit of just being happy with myself or partner, no phone or laptop in mind, no thoughts of that next bet.

Looking forward to the bank holiday and relaxing, determined to just enjoy it, not be filled with regret Sunday morning. 

CJ 

I installed gamban yesterday, it was a strange feeling knowing this would cut out online gambling completely for the year. I know I still have to remain vigilant, thankfully I’ve never been into going to the bookies and there aren’t any near me in my town.

My relationship with my girlfriend has been strained over the last week, we lived in Ireland for two years and moved to back England recently, she’s homesick and I feel I’ve just put the weight of the world on her shoulders. She has, fairly, asked for proof I’m stopping. I hope I have and will continue to show this.

Has anyone experienced the strain and come through okay with their relationships? I definitely feel since telling my dad he’s been very distant. We used to bond over it really, horse racing has been a big part of my life since a young age, and a huge part of mine and my dads friendship - this I feel, only unfortunately added to the allure of gambling for me. We shared many great days together, but they were at racecourses mostly. I know it’s scary for him too, it must be incredibly difficult for the people our addiction hurts. I know our friendship was built on knowing each other, and many other things other than the races. But that all has to stop, and it’s difficult to let go. 

CJ

Hi CJ,

I just wanted to respond to your question below with my own experience:

"Has anyone experienced the strain and come through okay with their relationships?"

I can only speak for myself with the above in mind but here has been my experience with relationships in recovery. I gambled for probably 14-15 years. Not all of them did I gamble compulsively and beyond my means, but certainly between 4-6 years I was spending money that I borrowed from friends, family or institutions to feed my gambling habit. In June 2019 my partner discovered that I was thousands in debt (well into 5 figures) and she was obviously shell shocked. The first two weeks following the revelations were surprisingly ok but things went downhill quickly shortly thereafter when she spoke to some people close to her gave it some thought. Things were very, very raw for about 6 months. It was only around Christmas time of 2019 did things get back on track a bit, but even then it was baby steps. I suppose what helped me win back a bit of trust was that I joined a GA group, I excluded my self from online websites and I was completely open with her with all my financial dealings. Fast forward almost two years and things couldn't really be any better. Yes I still have urges like the vast majority of people in recovery, but I choose not to act on them as if I did, there would be a very real chance that I could find myself right back in addiction again and jeopardise the family dynamic that I have worked so hard on restoring.

The other big relationship in most people's lives apart from their partner is their family. Telling my parents about the situation was the hardest thing that I have ever done. My Mam was physically sick and I learned some time later that she spent two days in bed sobbing uncontrollably. My Dad was literally disgusted at me and was so ashamed he asked me not to tell anyone - it was if I was the family's dirty secret. Again though after a couple of months of evidencing my efforts in recovery (attending GA, paying back debts, not spending money on gambling etc) they started to come around also. My Dad took the approach of the typical male of his age and has basically ignored it. It is as if he has blocked it from his mind that it never happened. He never asks me about it and he will only occasionally perhaps ask how paying back my debts is going. He will never understand it, like most people he believes a gambling problem to be a money problem rather than an emotional one. He would consider it "easy" to stop -- "Just stop doing it" would be his take on the situation if I ever sad I was struggling. My Mam is different, she is such a worrier and whenever I would be alone with her she would immediately ask me how I am doing, am I off betting etc. She is so worried that I will return to my destructive ways and she will continue that until I/she dies and I have no doubt about that. I'm nearly 100% sure that on her death bed she will mention it. However, even though both of them have different ways in processing their guilt/shame/worry of my recovery, I can honestly say that at the minute, two years into recovery, our relationship couldn't be better. In terms or sporting relationships with my Dad, he was never a gambler but we still watch matches together and can enjoy that. Sometimes watching sports can get a bit much for me in terms of wanting to have a bet, but I know my triggers and if it gets too much for me, I'll just take a step back.

Friends and other family that know are much the same. They are happy for me that I am in such a better place and they don't delve too much deeper under the surface than that. They can see the change in me and they don't hold my past against me and it's all about the future.

So I suppose in summary CJ I would say that it is f*****G tough at the start, really tough. There is a lot of self pity, regret and guilt and there is also anger, hurt etc from your loved ones. You need to just keep getting through each day one at a time in these early stages. Literally just stay away from betting and show people that you want to change. Addressing the problem is massive also. Nobody chooses to gamble uncontrollably, so there is something that needs to be addressed. Attending GA or counselling will help you with that if you choose to go down that path. Slowly but surely things will improve and I can honestly say that to you from my own experience. Now other things like going to the races with your Dad might never come back because well horse racing is so intrinsically linked to gambling that it's going to be very hard for you to attend a racecourse meeting and not be compelled to bet. I am certainly not saying that it would be impossible, but certainly in the early stages of your recovery I would avoid horse racing as I'm sure it would be a trigger of yours. But then again you might be able to find something else in common with your Dad or just spending quality time with him. 

Anyway I hope some of the above helps in some small way, best of luck with everything. Cheers, Happy

Thank you Happy123,

Appreciate you sharing your honest experience. I can certainly relate to your experience so it is encouraging to hear how you have made great progress and repaired the relationship damage.

It will definitely have to be baby steps for me too, taking it day by day and keeping up with regular writing and reading on beating the addiction. It would be so easy to fall back and yes that’s definitely a reason I won’t be back at the races for a long time.

I want to get to that stage where I can spend time with family and my partner without that sinking feeling after a bad period. Wake up and not think about it, it will take time like I’m sure it has for you. 

I’m feeling quite positive at the 11 day stage, I am enjoying not always being on my phone and definitely feeling better for it. Will keep focused on the next day and enjoying them build up.

C J

I relapsed yesterday. 

Feeling really anxious and upset about losing this progress, my financial situation and how I should approach it with my partner. 

Wish I could turn the clock back.

CJ