Rock bottom

Welcome back mask,

Well done for not giving up on giving up, you do want to keep trying, because you do want to succeed, and you will if you really want to, you deserve to succeed,

Sending you strong and determined thoughts.

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne. I think you're the only one who reads this so thank you. I feel a diary only really works when you almost feel like you're letting others down who have contributed to your diary so for that I'm thankful. Amazing that you're still gamble free, I wish I was in your shoes, I wish I had 10% of the strength that you have shown.

I care too much about money. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I didn't even recognise the person looking back. Hollow, expressionless and broken. That's what I've become. I have a list of targets to achieve and every single one of them is being hindered by the gambling. No more gambling would pretty much fix all other areas of my life.

Paying off 5k credit card debt without my family realising I'm doing so will be extremely difficult, but I'm determined to do it this way. They cant find out, I've lost enough from all this.

I'm sick of making stupid targets of 30 days gamble free, those are useless to me. Therefore, my first target is no bets until Christmas. Enjoy Christmas day knowing I'm free of this s**t and debt free, moving forward in life and hopefully being more positive.

I'm under no illusions, I will probably fail. I always do. I must have the best ever intentions and the weakest will power. A disheartening combination.

I lost 3k on one night. And then 2k last night. I don't even know what I was trying to accomplish. The money is gone, it's staying gone, but it will be repaid through hard work.

If all goes to plan, and that's a massive if, and I have funds for a mortgage deposit next summer, would these transactions count against me? I've never gone into an overdraft or missed a payment so I wouldn't think it would affect too much? Who knows, maybe I'm destined never to move out.

Hi mate, I feel ur pain, sounds like u've hit rock bottom or are v close to it! This illness will suck every last drop of blood out of you mate, ur on the right site.

Try not to look too far ahead, just simply taking a day at a time works , they soon mount up.

Are you betting on the web, if so get blocks in place, self exclusion def helps when stopping!

All I can say is life is so much better when u stop i can vouch for this being 190 days clean, i was like u thinking i've no chance on beating this, as gambling was my life for over 20 years!

Sometimes u have to hurt a lot b4 u get to a place where enough is enough.

You can do this. Seek help theres lots about!

Thanks Gav. It just feels so hopeless, especially after the numerous failed attempts. Managing go get back on track, then blowing it all in a matter of. hours.

The first day is always easy. I've only managed to make it past 30 days twice before, one of those times stopping for 23 months. I have to get back to that mind set, but with the debts sitting there it really is reminding me of all the negativity rather than allowing me to focus on abstaining.

My mind is a mess. I'm a mess. I need to shave and get a haircut, I've completely neglected myself recently. Nothing else mattered other than betting and reducing my debt to zero.

I have to forget about money for the time being and concentrate on regaining some discipline, control and self respect.

Hang in their mate, also try self exclusion.

TheMask wrote: I've been on and off this site for the best part of a decade. I'm powerless to gambling, I have ruined my life four times over, and each time get into an identical mess. I'm now 5k in debt, I'm 30 years old, and my life has been taken from me. I tried to kill myself three weeks ago, couldn't even get that right. I'm too emotionally drained to do this anymore, but I'm so f****d financially that I don't even care any more. I'm a compulsive liar, deceitful and I hold no emotion any more. I'm an empty shell, the gambling losses don't shock or make me feel anything anymore. It's just what happens. I'm seeing a psychologist, let's see if they can work out why I'm so pathetic. Anyway. Day 1 starts today for the millionth time. I'll inevitably never succeed with this so I don't even know why I'm trying.

Good news about the psychologist.

Gamcare do counselling as well. Something to think about? Give them a ring?

Day 3

Met up with some frends last night, realy enjoyed myself and for part of the night I actually forgot I had a gambling problem. Then there was talk of a holiday, which I really can't afford, I'll have to leave it. I'm just in no financial position to throw way money on that, when I have a huge credit card debt sitting there.

I'm off today, usually when I'm off I will log in online and bet all day. I don't want to bet anymore. Last night gave me a glimpse into a better life, and a better version of myself. A sociable, and happy person. I actually felt my confidence creep back at a certain point, but maybe that was alcohol fuelled!

I'm trying to be completely honest this time in this diary. I wish I could fast forward to the end of the year, when if all goes to plan, I will be back on track and looking back on all this with a sense of satisfaction. I'm going to start a drawing today, art is something I had enjoyed for years but have neglected ever since I started gambling. It's time for the old me to return and kick this shameful version of myself into the abyss.

I can't bet, because I can't control it. I will always lose.

ETA: I always find it incredible how quickly to begin to feel better when entering recovery. You really do begin to feel an improvement after only a couple of days, which begs the questions, why do we ever go back to it? My first thought when waking up is usually "Right, how can I win some money back?", now it is "Enjoy your gamble free day, and in time, I will never have to ask that question again in my life. I feel so much better than I did during my opening post. The pain really does become unbearable, recovery feels incredible. It's a no brainer which route to follow.

As mentioned on my diary... please keep posting Mask. Don't go away from the site for too long. I'll have your back and watch our for you - you'll make it to Christmas!

I too have ruined so many festive periods through gambling so I know what you mean by targeting that day. A totally gamble free festive period knowing you've got cash to get everyone great presents, your mind is in the room with everyone else and not wandering, your're relaxed and calm and can smile and laugh without any hidden demons going on behind the scenes is a truely wonderful thought.

I've mentioned in my diary how my memories of life events are gone but I can remember nearly every bet I placed. Recent 25th Decembers for me remind me of NBA games as those are the only sporting events taking place on Christmas Day! But not 25 December 2015.

Well done on starting drawing and art again. That's a great idea. Maybe try to take a photo and put it as your avatar when you get it finished. It's amazing how many old hobbies get overlooked due to gambling and it's a real shame.

Also good news on meeting up with friends again. It's so different having a conversation when your're mind's not preoccupied with something else.

Keep thinking ahead! Keep striving!

Hi mask,

Well done on 3 days, you are soo right we cannot win because we cannot stop.so what the f**k is the point in playing.

Stay strong, determined and start winning for real, by simply abstaining and maintaining, one day at a time.

Suzanne xxx

How's the drawing going mask? How you're well.

How are you Mask

Keep strong and stay determined and win.

Suzanne xx

Day 6

Creeping towards a week. Apologies for not posting over the weekend. I was adamant I would post every day but I was feeling very down, I didn't really want to put that into words.

I feel down because despite this time letting go of the fact I have lost tons of money, I hate the person I've become and wonder if the real me will ever re-emerge. Anyway, probably best not to overthink things, I need to put my heart and soul into abstaining from gambling.

Change, the drawing didn't go well. I rushed it, I wasn't happy with it all. I ended up scoring huge thick lines through it, crumpling it up and throwing it in the bin. I questioned my ability to concentrate, I questioned if I had lost my talent. It was depressing.

Suzanne thanks for enquiring. I am doing ok in terms of no gambling but I'm afraid there are other issues here that need tackled. I don't know if I have the energy.

Superfluous. Thank you for that post, it means a lot. I have broke the triangle somewhat. I feel it almost feels like cheating when you put safeguards in place. It's more challenging breaking a habit with no barriers in place, but if I want to gamble, I will. It sounds like I'm allowing myself the opportunity to slip, but that's not the case. If I can defeat this without barriers, then I won't be concerned about removing barriers in the future.

I'm stopping for good this time, I have no other option. I feel confident of never betting again. I want my life back, and I'll do it the hard way.

I've had no urges, why would I crave something that would only compound my misery. I'm not attempting to quit. I HAVE quit. I'll never do it again. What I hate most at the moment are those relentless gambling adverts on tv. The entire industry makes me feel sick, and I have funded part of it. I have put a lot of blame on myself and deservedly so. But that's in the past, I dont gamble anymore because I don't need to or want to.

I have so many thoughts buzzing around my head right now. Every time I think of something I mean to write it down here, but often forget.

One major thought is the idea of a reward system. Every day I don't gamble I will invest £1 into this, and for every 60 days I successfully negotiate I will spend that allocation. This isn't a huge amount of money, but it allows me to work towards small goals and gain something from it, rather than throwing every spare penny at a pile of debt.

Is this a good idea, has this worked for others?

So many emotions right now, I actually took today to compile a list of the ways in which this addiction has affected me. A pros and cons list of you like.

Pros
A thrill of a win
Escapism
Potential winnings

Cons
Inevitable losses
Debt
Lies
Self harm
Self neglect
Low self esteem
Shattered goals
Countless hours wasted
Ruined friendships
Heartache for family
Mood swings
Living with no money
Odds will always be against me
I will never be able to control it

I'm going to add to this list whenever I think of anything else. Gambling has crippled me financially, that's obvious. But it has also caused serious damage in other areas. I weigh 120lbs. I used to go days without eating, I couldn't afford it or didn't want to "waste" money on something as trivial as food. I'd rather feed a machine than myself. I would go weeks without shaving, sometimes over a week without showering...I just didn't care. When you're stuck in a dark hole, your appearance slips. It sounds disgusting but that's what happened. These last few days I have taken better care of myself, and I'm certainly eating better. I'm going to start working out to really try and get healthy. Another area affected...sleep. I sleep about 12 hours a night, I hated waking up, I couldn't do any harm when I was asleep and that was comforting. Bed was my safe place. Another key area...confidence. I have none. I can barely participate in a conversation that doesn't involve 36 numbers and a ball.

I'm broken. But I can be fixed. Slowly but surely I will turn my life around. I have no option, another slip would end me.

Lovely honest post Mask, thanks for sharing and yes you can turn your life around slowly but surely, keep thinking positive and keep going.

Suzanne xxx