Rock bottom

Hi TheMask, congratulations on getting to 6 days, next step, a week!

Thank you Clinton.

A week completed. Why didn't I exclude from everywhere years ago? Maybe I wasn't truly ready to move on. Thoughts of taking so long to conquer this problem won't halt my recovery. At least now I'm taking action and doing what needs to be done. I hate the entire gambling industry and would love to watch it burn to the ground.

Money wise I'm still living on peanuts. But come pay day I can start living again, whilst paying off my debts. Debt free with some savings will be a year away from now, I would LOVE for this target go be made. I can't afford to fail, therefore I won't.

20 minutes to go until 8 days negotiated. This is it, everyone. I have finally accepted my losses. Time to rebuild my life, and I'm looking forward to the challenge.

I have absolutely no urges. Gambling disgusts me. I will not become complacent, but I don't feel compelled to bet. I feel at ease.

I'm not sure of what message I'm trying to put across here, if any at all. I'm feeling positive and I don't fear waking up in the morning any more. I have regained some control, and this is building my resolve.

Well done on getting to the 8 days. I'm not counting days so much now, just taking it one day at a time so when the urge rises I can say 'no, not today' and that seems to be working. Keep going. Remember, you cannot stop when you start so you will lose.

Well done again.

Thanks Blue. I think not counting the days is a good tactic, it puts a little less pressure on yourself.

I'm happy to say I am still abstaining. What is difficult is not having money to do anything, I've had to turn down and find excuses for every social event I've been invited to. The positive, I guess, is that all my bridges aren't yet burned. Pay day feels a mile off, and today was the first day I thought....if I could win ВЈ100 from my last ВЈ20 I would be fine for the month. I told myself that having ВЈ20 is £20 more than I would have if I gambled, as well as unravelling my hard work.

I'm doing ok, just a bit down and lonely.

Well done Mask for putting recovery before losing that 20 and possibly more ( if you could get hold of it)

I hope your low mood has lifted today, they don't last long, and we do feel stronger when they do lift.

Stay strong, think what you CAN do with 20, it's surprising what we can do with 20 quid

Suzanne xxx

Day 10. Final figures, at last. I think that in previous attempts to quit I was almost forced to do so, by having no money to live on, and then as soon as I got paid, everything unravelled.

This is of course a danger, but I genuinely don't feel the NEED to bet anymore. It's ok saying this, pay day will be a massive test yet again, but I'm prepared and willing to accept that I can never bet again. Such a pointless activity. I'm going to put a small amount aside each month, and if I can reach a year without a bet, treat myself to a holiday away somewhere. I feel the added incentive will motivate me further.

I'm feeling good, as always in early stages of recovery. My sleep pattern is improving and I'm eating better. I feel overall more energised and can almost bring myself to look in the mirror without turning away in total disgust.

Small steps to a massive change.

Hope you are all well, I love Fridays, they make me giddy. The plan tonight is to have a few beers that I have leftover in the fridge and watch some tv.

Hi Mask,

Well done on double figures,

In answer to your question on my gambling thoughts now, to be honest yes I do get them, they are at the back of my mind all the time, and about 3 times a week at this time they try and push forwards with alsorts of different scenarios to get me to bet lol.

We are all unique in our journeys, so don't get disheartened my friend, I was talking to Delboygolf (Steve ) yesterday, and he is 39 days ahead of me and he has not had any thoughts at all for quite a while.

You are doing just fine, just keep taking one day at a time, and WIN ever day that you do.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne. It's been so long since I managed over a year away from gambling, that I forget how I felt. The return to gambling from abstinence hits way harder than never giving up in the first place. Watching your good work be undone is incredibly hard to accept.

I think a few people asked what I did so successfully when I stopped for almost 2 years. The main factor here was confiding in someone. That same person told me that if I ever returned to gambling they would never trust me again and I would lose them from my life. That is why I cannot tell them; I have to secretly chip away at my debt. It feels like mission impossible, but this is the situation I find myself in, so I am determined to sort it all out myself. Maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe it's the wrong decision...but this is the way I am going to continue. Another slip will change that, but for the time being I need to sort this mess out on my own terms, and on my own shoulders.

I am down to my last £15. I'm not going to last the month, so will need to look for something to sell on eBay, and possibly buy it back after pay day. Not ideal, but it means I can eat properly and travel to work without having to take days off purely because I can't afford to attend.

Approaching 11 days. It feels longer. The main bookie I used to frequent I now take some satisfaction in walking straight past. I don't even look in the windows, I think that's partly due to the shame I felt when self excluding. I'm trying to think what target I would be happy to reach as the first milestone. I'd like to complete a single calendar month, so my first milestone will be set at 1st July, which will be appoximately 57 days.

The days aren't increasing quickly enough, but I think these kind of thoughts have been crippling in the past. If I don't gamble, the days will steadily climb, slip and I'm back to the bottom of the ladder. I can't return to that place, I like that my recovery now has some momentum.

Hi mask thanks for the comments everything you said is spot on.

Congrats on making it to double figures. I read your diary and you have had some time of it. However like the people have said you keep coming back which shows you can beat this.

Hi Mask

Wow, you're doing amazing to set such good goals. Please keep going. Poverty is awful and self induced poverty is no less a painful place to be. Please don't do this to yourself again.

Blue x

Thanks Blue. You're right, leaving myself in a situation where I can't even buy a train ticket is a disgrace. Hopefully this will be the last time.

I'm still gamble free. No urges, I detest gambling. I turn channels when I hear a gambling advert, trying to glamorise it and suck more young impressionable people in. I feel good, the days are ticking along, and more importantly my head is in a better place. My sleep is improving, my mood is improving. This month is proving tough, but if it were easy I fear I wouldn't have made the same level of progress.

Sunday nights are always horrible to me. The thought of a long work week ahead, and more financial strain, but I'm staying focused and determined.

I will never gamble again in my life. And that's a genuine promise to everyone on here, my family, friends and myself.

Thanks superfluous man. I was beginning to think my actions or words had caused you to lose some faith or hope with me. I'm glad you're feeling positive again, I will post on your diary against shortly.

As for myself, that's 2 weeks complete. I'm satisified, I feel a sense of accomplishment. Today though sparked something inside me that I detest. "Ok, you've done well, but you need £20 more to see you through the month, why not just try and won it?" I hate this voice that creeps up on me, but even thinking logically this voice may have a point. I can't get to work next week, I have no funds. I looked for something to sell on eBay..nothing, all sold in the past to fund my habit.

I don't want to undo two weeks recovery, but cant see any other option? What a horrible position to be in.

I'm going to have a good rummage through my wardrobes and see if I can find something of any value to sell. I have things I could sell, tablet, phone etc but I will not let this addiction strip away those things from me.

This month is horrible. Truly horrible. And for 1/2 of it I haven't even placed a bet.

Mask, if you give in to the nonsense that the addiction is spouting now, you will lose more than those 'things'! You will find a way to get through until pay day just as you will have to do if you give in to the voices & end up with nothing minus anything you used to gamble! Look in the mirror @ your new haircut & this bit of pride & ask yourself are you prepared to throw away 2 weeks of recovery?

You will find a way through this, gambling is not the answer! Keep fighting - ODAAT

Hi just remind yourself that if you gamble that last bit of money odds are you will lose as when your desperate gambling never gives a helping hand. Can't be easy but if you can just survive till payday then you can look back an vow never to get into that situation again. I have been there so know the dread in the pit of the stomach. Stay strong as you know it's the right thing. Take care Mary