Rock bottom gets worse

Bex,

I am thinking of you as you prepare for your daughter coming home. In the next few days you will hopefully be able to take a breath and explore what might help you understand the why to support your recovery going forward. We can do this together Bex x

Thanks Murlo. It’s definitely nerves as feeling sick as a dog right now. X

Glad your getting things sorted out and are in a better place then you were last night. I'm finding your diary really helpful, the way you only care about how it affects your daughter and not yourself is so familiar. It made me think about how at the end of a long day I would think I can finally relax and enjoy abit of online bingo because I needed abit of me time, then when things got worse I'd think well it's ok because it's the only time and money I spend on myself,  I spend all the rest of time working and being a good mother, then when i would run out of money I'd think aslong as she has everything she needs and it's only me going without that's fine because I dont care about me or it's my own fault so I deserve to go without, but eventually it does start to affect them and that's what we cant cope with. Maybe if from the start we cared a little more about ourselves we would never let it come to this, maybe to be better mothers we need to look after ourselves and find healthier ways of having some me time, treating ourselves to things that actually make us happy. 

Also I seen your selling things online, i would recommend doing a car boot sale if possible, good declutter, make some money and spend abit of time outdoors, really lifted my spirits a couple of years ago when I was in similar situation.

Good luck with everything and thanks again for the advice you gave me.

hi, just wanted to say I hope your talk with your daughter goes ok, remember the only way is up now. 

Sending love and positive thoughts x 

Thanks Claire. We haven’t spoken much yet but will update when we have.

Did you play bingo aswell or just go to the hall for the slots? I use to just play bingo, but a friend from work went on slots and rather than just watch I had a go too, long story short in every break I would be on the slots spending money I didnt have. I wouldn't spend that much on the bingo. I have to admit that I will miss the bingo and never had a real problem with that. But to stay away from the slots bingo has to a no go area for me. 

I am married and my husband is amazing but other than him I dont have any real friends so I get lonely which is why I started to go to bingo in the first place.  I have never told my husband how much I have spent on the slots. 

Xxx

I went to play bingo but didn’t have the self control to stay away from the slots. Bingo itself was never an issues d never spent much so I know what you mean but it all has to go to be successful in recovery. 

We still haven’t spoken much but I did just phone up the bingo club in front of her and excluded myself for 5 years. They told me I would get walked of the premises if I tried to go. I can assure you the prospect of the embarrassment will be a deterrent to stop me ever trying. My daughter laughed when the guy told me that. She knows very well that would stop me ever trying. I know what you mean Claire, most ladies I’ve ever got chatting to when I’ve been there feel the same and go there as they feel they can on their own. I also don’t really have any friends so it’s difficult to get out and do things that I enjoy or to meet new people. 

Thats one thing off my list. I know also some people will advise against it but I applied for a credit builder credit card today and was approved. I was slightly surprised but then I have been working on my credit score and it has shown improve my over the past 6 months. I told my daughter that I had as I want to be completely honest. I thought she might be mad but it comes with a very low limit which is a drop in the ocean compared to anything else I have. It means I can put fuel in the car and buy food shopping without having to ask my daughter for any money to do this. Plus in the long term it will help improve my credit score which is what I want to achieve so that has lifted a little weight. 

Bex,

small steps. Onwards and upwards. I am glad that your evening has been better than you expected x

Well done, sounds like your  daughter  is going to help you through. 

I had to get a loan last year to see me through, I pay back every week. Only 4 weeks to go ?. If I hadn't stopped last week  I would be getting another loan now x x 

Thanks murlo, yes much better then I could have anticipated. 

Its far from ideal Claire for either of us but sometimes its a needs must and I’d rather do that then have to borrow off anyone else, at least then it’s in my name and my responsibility. Plus I am determined to get back on track straight away so this will help increase my credit score. 

Just sat on sofa listening to music. Have discussed some of the bills and how to manage for the month which made me feel really guilty. My daughter got a bonus this month and was really excited that she had extra, that breaks my heart that I’ve done that. I now need to make it my purpose to make it up to her and more as she deserves so much better. ☹️

You will make it up to her Bex. 

Hello lonely.. Just tell yourself you are in a better place today than a good 24 hours ago.. 

You will get through this. 

Have an easy day 

Boo ???

Day 4 gf

I stayed up late so have only just woke up. Think I needed a long sleep to regain some energy. As for yesterday evening, I offered to talk about it with my daughter or said if she wanted to read my diary to give her a better understanding she could but that it would probably be quite upsetting. She said she didn’t want to read it for the moment - I think she had already gathered how bad and what a mess I was and said it would just upset her. She said it’s done now and that we can’t change it. She has been calm throughout and not once got angry. A completely different reaction then I ever expected. I’m pretty sure she realises how guilty I feel for hurting her again and that it wasn’t intentional. I can honestly say she has been amazing, that just gives me more determination to make sure I don’t let her down again. 

I feel a sense of relief today knowing I have self-excluded from the bingo hall as that really was the only place for me to do it. Now even if I do get an urge or temptation, I have no where to go to act on it. I wish I had done it earlier but I guess that’s what we all think when it’s too late. 

My focus now needs to be on looking after myself better, finding hobbies to fill my time and to make it up to my daughter by repaying every penny and then a treat to show my appreciation. 

I was going to go to the doctors today but decided against it. I don’t want them to sign me off and am going to go back to work tomorrow. I want to get back in, deal with what ever I need to and get back to doing a good job as I love my job most of the time despite the stresses. Plus that is the only way I get out of this situation is to work hard and earn the money to pay everything off. 

I hope everyone else is having a good day and continuing to be gf. 

Lonely

Bex,

I am so glad to hear you managed some sleep. I suspect your daughter has just gone into a practical mode. That is what my hubby did this time. It helped him cope and it helped me too. In time she will want to talk more I have no doubt.

It is wonderful to hear that you have self excluded. That must be a big relief for you too. Just take things a day at a time. See how you feel at work, I can relate to the fact that you want to be back in the swing of things. You can always pop to see your doctor if you need to. 

Keep talking and reaching out for support. It is there for you and all of us. Sending love and best wishes x

Thanks murlo. 

I’m sure she will want to talk eventually too but I guess at this point my head will be clearer to do that and the dust will have settled somewhat. 

How was the wildlife park? I love animals and seeing the variety of species. Monkeys, chimpanzees and orangutans are my favourite. I don’t know what part of the country you are but if you like them too, if you are ever near the Bournemouth area, Monkey World is a great place to visit. I could sit and watch them for hours. A lovely way to spend a day in nature. I hope you had a lovely time x