Rock bottom gets worse

I meant to add, I woke up to a text from my daughter to say she’d been to the shop and left a small bottle of Pepsi on the side for me. My heart melted! Even after what I’ve done, she is being thoughtful and caring. If you know how much I love Pepsi, you’ll will understand the gesture. One thing I do know is despite everything, I have raised a wonderful, caring and thoughtful young woman. ?

Ohhh the Pepsi,  that brought tears to my eyes,  A little bottle of I love you. 

I'm so glad you have now begun to feel the relief. 

Working is always a good distraction keeps you busy.  I love my job the only downside to it is that I can see the bingo hall from it and all the staff and regulars from the club come in. They have already started to comment that they havent seen me I'm a while, I'm not ready to admit to the world I had a problem so for now I'm telling them I have given up for lent. 

Hope you have had a good day x 

Thanks Claire. I replied on your diary. 

So I have done very much today then catch up on sleep and watch some TV. It was my daughters day off so she went to town for a few hours and came back with a Greggs sausage roll and pasty for me ?. She’s being so thoughtful which makes me feel even worse. After we ate our Greggs, I decided I was going to bake a cake as a treat for us later after dinner. It’s in the oven now so hoping it comes out okay as I haven’t baked Ina very long time. 

Im also going to pull out my slow cooker which I have never used and try a Mac and cheese recipe I have found online. My daughter is going to her fitness class this evening so I’m going to prepare dinner for when she comes back and while she is out, use the hour to join the chat room this evening. I feel much calmer today albeit still feeling as guilty as ever. 

So I made Mac and cheese in the slow cooker but looks a bit dodgey, just waiting for my daughter to get home to eat it but think it has been a fail. I will try again though. 

Ive finished the cake and decorated it with chocolate buttercream frosting. Now that is looking pretty good and can’t wait to tuck into it so 1 outta 2 ain’t bad. 

I was just scrolling through my fb feed when I saw a quote which I thought was really powerful so have decided to share it here as I think it is so relevant to a lot of us. 

“ When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower”. 

Heres to tomorrow and day no5 gf.

Morning Bex,

thank you very much for popping onto my diary and yes I have managed some rest. I hope you did too and that your Mac n cheese and cake went down well ?

Take care of yourself today x

Good morning diary

today is day 5 gf and so far so good. I have had no urges and have no thoughts about wanting to gamble. I really hope this was the final reminder that it is insanity and that I have absolutely nothing to gain from gambling other than misery. 

My good intentions of going into work today have gone out the window unfortunately. Yesterday evening I had planned to go back and mentally I’m feeling relatively okay, however, physically I feel awful. I finally ended up getting to sleep at around 5 this morning after numerous visits to the bathroom throughout the night being really ill. Even as I got in bed, I set my alarm with the intention of going in but when I woke up at around 7.15 it was straight back in the bathroom being ill and decided that even though I really wanted to go in, it probably wasn’t a sensible idea as I really wasn’t in any condition to. Plus after less then around 2 hours sleep I’m not sure how i would have lasted until the end of the day. I really hope I feel better by this evening to go in tomorrow so things can return back to what I’d consider as normal. 

My daughter is still being amazing and acting as normal as ever with me as if nothing happened. I still expect that in time she may get angry or upset at my actions so I’m taking it each day at a time. Not having her being angry or resentful towards me has made a real difference on how quickly my mental state has improved in only a few days.  I know I deserve everything I get and feel incredibly guilty  about everything but for now it definitely is helping. 

Im back in bed now after taking some painkillers in the hope I may be able to get a few more hours sleep before getting up and doing something productive around the house. 

Here’s to another day gf. 

Lonely

Dear @lonelysoul,

It's great to hear you don't have any gambling urges and that you daughter is supporting you.

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well and are struggling to sleep. I really do hope that you start to improve soon, perhaps a visit to your GP may help if you don't start to see or feel any improvement with your health?

Please remember that we're here for both you and your daughter should either of you need or want any support, advice or a listening ear. You can call our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or access our Netline via our Gamcare website every day and night.

You may also want to join our chat room that opens from 1pm until 2pm and then again at 8pm until 9pm with an extended closing time of 21:30pm on a Sunday. We also have a special chatroom for the Family and Friends of problem gamblers that may help support your daughter, this runs every Wednesday from 7pm until 8pm.

There is also an online meeting with Gamanonuk every Sunday from 8pm until 9pm that you daughter may find supportive too if she feels she would like to reach out to others going through similar experiences to her, just as you are on our forum. It can really help although it's personal choice.

http://gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=30

Take care and please remember you can get through this and that you're never alone.

Kindest Regards

Joanne

Forum Admin

Thank you for your message of support and advice Joanne. 

I intended on joining chat this evening but as the credit card came through my daughter and I decided to go and do some shopping and I filled up with a tank of fuel in preparation for going to work tomorrow. I’m feeling a bit happier with food in the cupboard and knowing I have petrol in the car. Things are going to be mega tight and I may still have to pawn one or two bits to see me through with petrol until the end of the month, however things are looking a whole lot better than 6 days ago. Today will be day 7 gf so I am happy to have reached my week milestone. It’s gone pretty quickly and I have no regrets about self excluding from the bingo club. I’m so happy I won’t set foot in that place again. 

I’m feeling a little better than I was last night, yet still not feeling physically 100% and still have really bad stomach ache which is why I haven’t got to bed yet. I’m hoping I’ll get more sleep then I did yesterday as tomorrow will be a long day in the office. 

Ive decided this weekend I’m going to plan my weekend in advance to fill my time. I’m going to make a list of all the stuff I need to do around the house including some sorting out and tick if off as I complete them . I’m also going to list some stuff on eBay or gumtree as I have quite a few bits that are just taking up cupboard space that we no longer have use for and hopefully this will make this month a little easier. 

Mom going to watch a little more tv before I call it a night. 

Hi lonely hope your feeling better this morning, thanks again for posting on my diary, for some reason it didn't show up yesterday and only seen it this morning! 

It's a good feeling getting your house decluttered and spring cleaned, i need to do the same, but once it's done I need to find a fun way of filling some time, I've been googling lists of hobbies, nothing really took my fancy yet but I need to find something before my maternity leave starts.  

Hi lonely.

Just wanted to pop by to say hello and hope your ok. 

Xx

I am now on to day 8 gf and can honestly say I have had no urges or thoughts about gambling. Today I was feeling a bit better and made it into work. Work was busy as always, I’m often lucky if I get to have a lunch break as there is always so much to do but then I thrive on being busy and can’t think of anything worse then having a job where I had lots of time to kill. That definitely is never a problem, ever, in my job role and I am not complaining. I am happy to have completed a week and I can say after the initial first two days, my thinking is back to rational, normal me which is much quicker then I expected and life feels relatively normal. One thing I must add, is my daughter has been amazing! I thought by now, there maybe an onset of anger, resentment and other emotions but as of yet, no sign of anything other than love and support. We had a conversation earlier this evening and she said she had been made to take time off from work which she was annoyed about as she didn’t want it off, especially as she will be at home and will not be able to do much ( because of lack of money). I apologised as this made me feel really guilty. Her response to this was, “sorry, it wasn’t meant as a dig or anything at you, I’m just annoyed I am being forced to take holiday when I don’t want to take it then”. Bless her! She has every right to have a dig, after all it’s my fault she doesn’t have much money to do anything that week and yet she was very quick to reassure me she wasn’t assigning any blame. I love her with everything I have and I know that I have to stay in recovery and that I can never, ever gamble to make it all up to her. That is the very least she deserves from me. 

This evening we sat down, had a nice dinner and sat on the sofa watching tv together. After, we did a bit of housework and then for the last two hours we sat at the dining table, putting the world to rights. She also said she realises she is more like me then ever (minus the gambling addiction obviously) so I like to think she has got all my good qualities. 

I have just got into bed and decided I’d write this in my diary before hitting the pillow as I have to be back up in 4 hours. Reflecting on this evening, it has given me more joy just doing simple things with my daughter then I’ve felt in a long time. I think that is down to the clarity I now have because of owning up to what I’ve done and have a clear path ahead of me and there is no room for gambling, ever again. Quite the contrary to what I was thinking at this same time last week.

Here’s to day 8 gamble free. 

Wishing all my Gamcare friends a good and gamble free Friday!

Hello. Its surprising how things settle.. 

Gambling has been so harsh on us all.. But with time and support the road to recovery can be maintained.. 

Have an easy day.. Glad you seen to be in a better place.. 

Love boo ??

Thanks for your kind words Boo. I hope you have a great day. 

Hello Bex. Just popped by to wish you a good weekend.

Pleased to read that you are feeling more positive and refusing to let the past drag you down. 

You are a talented, hard working intelligent lady who enjoys her work and is blessed with a loving, caring and compassionate daughter. I wish you both every happiness as you continue on your life journeys.

Love and best wishes

Stephen x 

Thank you Stephen for your kind words and encouragement. 

So today I am 8 days gf and it’s been a pretty good day. Work was busy and I got lots done, lots of emails sent and trying to find solutions to ongoing issues. I am lucky as despite having a lot of responsibility and stress, I do enjoy my job and it is rewarding knowing I’m helping people. 

I was a little annoyed with myself as I went to bed when I got in from work to have a nap as I was shattered. I set my alarm for 7.55pm so I could join in evening chat, before I knew it I looked at the time and it was 10pm. That nap turned into 4 hours; I obviously needed it. 

I came downstairs to find my daughter was in the middle of cooking dinner. We sat at the table, ate our food and chatted about our days at work. Then we watched some tv, followed by listening to some music while we chatted about all sorts of things. It was nice! Before we knew it, it was 2am. So I decided to come on here, update my diary and read a few threads before I head up to bed. I have to get out of the habit of sitting up half the night; it really isn’t good.

Hoping everyone has a nice gamble free Saturday. 

Lonely