Ryan's Recovery

Very positive words Ryan. Well done on coming on this forum. Its hard I know. I'm 44 and have been gambling online for 8 years. I started due to illness and my father dying. I spent all my inheritance which was a lot of money. I regret it all of course but by reading stories on here I realised that I could not chase losses and I have had to accept that I will never see that money again. I'm on day 52 today. I have blocked myself online completely that was the way for me otherwise I would have gambled I know. The temptation is too much and it mAy seem the same for you. You have to make sure that you are not able to go online especially on those lonely nights. I too used to wake up in the muddle of the night and go online. I would sneak out of bed and play for hours. The kids would get up at 7 And I was knackered and had spent loads. The problem was I won in the first 10 minutes (quite a lot sometimes) but then I was greedy and kept going and of course loose everything. Suggestions on this site have suggested getting a bank card you cannot use online only to take cash out. Would that help? Any member of family to take care of finances? Keep posting . I try and post something every week to remind myself that i am very much still in recovery. Even though I am still OD i booked a holiday yesterday and used money i would have gambled with to pay for it. That feeling was great. I was always making excuses saying I had no money but I always had money to gamble!! Good luck

Hi Poblwc, thankyou for your post, and thankyou for the kind words.

Firstly, congratulations on making it 52 days without, that's great going and you should be proud of yourself. You are right, it is exceptionally hard, and we have to admit that gambling (it hurts to even say the word) is something we will never be able to enjoy again as normal people do. I went 87 days without a bet, and going back is just something we cannot do. If you win, then that's just gambling tokens to spend at a later date. And, when the moment comes when you lose, then that's just an excuse for the chasing to begin once again.

You are very right when you mention making up excuses about having no money. Tomorrow I am going to go to the bank and sort out a cash only card, as you suggest. It's been something I've considering for a while, but never put the plan into action. I think it's taken a big loss for me to really motivate myself, and today that has happened. It will mean that in the middle of the night I have no access to my money at home, and thats over halfway to solving the problem, a really good suggestion.

I'm a little busy now, but a little later today I intend to read through your journey too, your making some excellent progress, keep up the hard work and never allow yourself to forget how bad the bad times are. Enjoy every moment of the holiday and I hope it opens your eyes and refreshes your mind of the possiblilities of a gamble-free life. Best wishes.

Hi Ryan,

Great first post. You write very well and seem mature for a 21 year old. You massively have age on your side here. If you look around the diaries for even 10 minutes you will see all sorts of examples of people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who have taken more years than you have been alive to be able to fight their addiction, losing tens of thousands of Pounds in the process.

Obvioulsy you are a smart guy and sometimes that makes it all the more frusrating how something so stupid as gambling can get a grip of you, trust me I´ve felt this too. That´s when you know it´s an addiction, when you easily forget those big losses and go chasing the dream again, why do we expect a different outcome when from our experience we know we are going to lose all our money eventually? It's crazy!

You should defenitley look at getting blocks in place such as the cash card already mentioned. What else can you do when on night shift? You need something to occupy your time that's not gambling on a laptop/phone. Read a book? Study for some more exams? (yuck! :-)), anything you can think of to keep you occupied!

Keep checking in here and you will see how much good work is being done and the great support that some of the regulars can offer.

Cheers

Scott

Hi Scott, thankyou for your response, you've really summarised my situation very well and the way I feel when placing a bet. Thankyou for the pointers and for the advice, I'l take what you've said on board.

That's really what it will come down to: finding something to do that can occupy the time I spend alone at stupid o clock on a morning. Together with my counsellor we discovered that that's my most vulnerable time of day, however, I'm yet to take action against this. I firmly believe that now is the time to do so. Enough with giving myself chance after chance. I've proven to myself enough times that I'm not capable of handling my own finances on the internet. A cash card is a must-have right now.

I'm still a bit new to this whole thing, but I'l get around the place pretty soon, and I'm looking forward to doing so! That's 12 hours of non-gambling ticked off, and many more to come.

Best wishes to you Scott, and thankyou for the kind words.

Yo Ryan,

No probs man, glad to help.

In regards to what you can do, do you like Sport, could you go late night running or even join a Pure Gym? They are 24 Hours I think. May not be your thing and trust me I know what the thought of a midnight run in the cold and rain must be like!

Just try to think of anything that will help break your pattern, that's a big thing to dealing with this addiction I think, stop getting in to the habit of betting and find something else to do! Also remember you've already managed 3 months of abstinence before, you can do it again. Then another 3 months, and another 3, then before you know it you're a year in and you'll be getting stronger every day.

Good luck.

Scott

Ryan my dear, thank you for sharing with us. I agree with the comments above but i do recognise that you are a rational person that had been grasped by the gambling demon.

Take every chance you can to be here with positive non gamblers, we're all here to help and will share all we can.

Most of us have tried many times to beat the monster but we ARE doing it everyday together, everyday we dont gamble we are winning and however bad things get gambling will only make it worse. Develop the hatred for any and all gambling and let yourself feel repulsed by it - take it one at a time and remember that every day gamble free is a winning day.

stay strong, much love

b

xx

I agree with the post above from Scotto

'Great first post. You write very well and seem mature for a 21 year old. You massively have age on your side here. If you look around the diaries for even 10 minutes you will see all sorts of examples of people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who have taken more years than you have been alive to be able to fight their addiction, losing tens of thousands of Pounds in the process' you need to stop now while you are young. Keep up the good work

Thankyou NT for your words of advice, I'l be sure to take a look at that section of the forum. I think that regardless of age, everybody has it within themselves to make that difference; and ultimately, fill the void in their lives that would otherwise have been filled with gambling.

You are right Scott, I am really going to try and get back into my Snooker, it's something I really enjoyed before gambling started to seem like a more attractive proposition. I'm going to my local snooker club just today, partially to take my mind away from things. This morning I woke up and experienced some urges, and although they were nothing too major, there's no way I'm going to let them get the better of me. It seems from the advice I've read here and the messages I'm receiving, the key is to have planned an event, go outside, or make a trip somewhere every day, even if it's just an hour, it's something to prepare yourself for; and something to keep your mind busy.

I totally agree with what you are saying Bean, that's not an angle I have even considered in the past. Maybe next time the betting companies (heartless organisations, probably a better word to describe them) are advertising on the telly, I'l think about what they are doing to people, creating new problem gamblers, and develop a general hatred towards the industry. I already had exceptional feelings of guilt whenever I gambled in the past, I know it's something I shouldn't be doing. Thankyou for your post.

Best wishes to you.

Start of Day Three, Wednesday 18 March 2015

The time is 7:00am, I've just woke up early, had a pretty busy day yesterday, so first of all I'd like to apologise for not being able to post a full update on my progress during day two.

It's easy to not let gambling thoughts take over your mind when your busy and when you are around others, but it's also easy to reminisce and think about the other things that you could have spent the money you recently lost on. It wasn't so much a feeling of regret, but rather, me gaining a deeper understanding of the fact that I have just set myself back 3 months or so in finances, as well as feeling pretty down and extremely unmotivated to do any tedious tasks in the process. For example, my room hasn't been cleaned or tidied since I went into relapse two weeks ago.

Yesterday (Day Two) was a fun day. I was able to meet up with some friends and relatives that I have not seen for a while, and played some snooker. That's the one activity I could wake up, play all day, and then go to sleep without ever getting bored of. I just always get myself down because I don't know anybody to play snooker with more regularly. I wish I could play more, but, I guess, that is what happens to problem gamblers, when they neglect relationships to sit in a virtual world of ever-increasing losses and dispair.

On better news, waking up this morning and seeing that I have cleared 2 whole days without a bet was a nice and relatively satisfying experience. Unfortunately, this has been accompanied with a strong urge to get back the money I lost on that fateful Monday morning just 2 days previous to today. I've decided to come on here and post this short update instead, it's an awful realisation that I'm going to be battling these feelings for the foreseeable future, especially as I get paid on Friday. Right now, I just want to go to my bank and sort out a cash only card. I have to pay off the pay day loan on Friday, and then I'l pop into the bank just as I see my counsellor on that same day. Kill two birds with one stone as they say, or in this case, three.

So that's it, just a little update, I've got some pretty strong urges right now to just deposit £100 and try and get some of what I've lost back on Monday, which aren't really helping. However, I don't feel like I'm susceptible to acting on these feelings, the thought of being left with absolutely nothing, accompanied with being unable to purchase a present for my upcoming family members 60th Birthday, are enough to make me think twice before opening a new account and going down the road to nowhere once again. But I've got to be determined, and I am certainly determined to make today a productive day.

Best wishes to each and every person going through recovery right now. Regardless of what year / day / hour / minute of abstaince that you are currently achieving, there is hope for us all.

Ryan.

End of Day Three, Wednesday 18 March 2015

I'm just approaching the end of my third day without a bet, which has been, without a doubt, the toughest day yet.

I haven't really suffered many urges other than a few just after I woke up this morning, however, it's been a tough day with other thoughts in my head. Feeling worthless is the main thing that's getting to my head right now. I've tried explaining over the past couple of days, to the people I have managed to confide in about my gambling habbits, that I genuinely feel very down right now. I am not seeking any sort of attention for saying this, or looking for any sort of sympathy, because I know that this is entirely self-inflicted, but I have such a strong feeling that I will never achieve anything that I want to in life, that I am very unsociable, partially because I have completely different interests to the vast majority of people in this world.

Being with my family is rarely a happy time, just an opportunity for them to highlight where I am going wrong in life and constantly put me down for the slightest of things. I try and avoid speaking to my family when they are together, especially right now after what's happened this week. I just can't be dealing with the negative emotions experienced by a bombardment of criticism at the same time as coping with an ever increasing feeling of depression and worthlessness combined with the fact that I've recently relapsed and lost approximately two months wages whilst grinding myself further in debt.

During the 87 days that I went without a bet between November and the start of March, I really started to feel better as a person. Life without gambling is much better in the long run. I've experienced it, however briefly it may have been, but right now that lifestyle seems a million miles away again. I'm not having suicidal thoughts, and I don't think I ever would have, but to say I wouldn't care if I self-destructed right now and didn't see tomorrow seems like a pretty true statement right now.

There's just nothing to live for right now. I'm a loner. I'm a compulsive gambler. I'm in debt, with a payday loan and a bank loan to pay off. I'm growing ever tired of living with my family while they find the slightest thing to critique me on and use it against me like I've committed treason. I've tried to get a new job on day-time shifts and it's just not working out. I've tried to find new friends, even a companion, but it's just not happening. I've recently been informed by a couple of people that I'm an interesting person with a lot to offer, but this recent relapse and subsequent hefty loss has just destroyed all of my confidence, as well as all of my hopes and ambitions for the foreseeable future. It's not rock bottom, but it's a pretty rubbish situation to be in.

Tomorrow is day four, I've got a driving lesson, and my second GA meeting that I'm going to force myself to attend. Explaining how I've got myself into this mess doesn't sound great, but let's see how it goes. Surely it can't get much worse than right now.

Take care, and all the best.

Ryan.

I think a lot of us go through this horrible struggle in the early days but it does improve! You have had a slip, you can't undo it but you can make it a hell of a lot worse if you don't accept your losses & move on! You have experienced life without gambling & you are again, it's just such early days & the addiction won't let you go without a fight!

Can you sign up to a snooker tournament or a team maybe to start meeting people? Nights are a killer for social lives especially if you don't already have a bank of friends which many of us don't having given our lives over to our addiction for so long! You are right to go to GA...Hopefully people there will be able to point you in the right direction to help you on your feet! Families are funny, "can't live with em, can't shoot em" we like to say but you are living with them & you need their support so it must be incredibly frustrating feeling that they hate you! Hopefully as they see you getting sorted, they will start to feel proud too & if not, you just keep working hard for you!

Fight hard enough & you can get through this - ODAAT

Hi Ryan,

Just wanted to offer some words of encouragement, sounds like you are going through a tough time mate. I was also going to suggest a snooker tournament, maybe ask at the club and see what's available? I used to play a lot of snooker as a teenager, and once even knocked in a half century! I used to play with my friends and also in tournaments, although I also liked the excuse to smoke because it was before the ban and gave me the perfect alibi when my Mum would quiz me about stinking of f**s! 15 years later and i'm trying to give up smoking, like gambling it's an addiction that is hard to shake off! It's almost like habit, even when you don't want one you go reaching for the pack because that's what you've always done, I find some of the urges very difficult but when you quit, you can feel how much helathier your lungs are, how much better you sleep and how much money you save, in that ways it's a lot like gambling!

Although it must seem difficult for you that you reached 87 days and then slipped up, you should try to see that as a positive rather than a negative thing. You know that you felt better and that you achieved that 3 months gamble free, why not use it as a challenge to reach again?

In terms of the negative family, is there any way you can speak to a sibling or a cousin even about how you feel? Someone that knows the situation but is also safe to talk to? I'm not a loner, i'm very much a social person but everybody gets down and has bad days. It sounds like meeting some new people and doing some new things could be very positive for your life in general and also to keep you away from the dreaded gambling. I know it's a cringe (and difficult with your work pattern) but have a look online about some groups or clubs you can join, there may even be something for shy people like yourself (i'm assuming you are, correct me if i'm wrong!)

I actually work in Spain and have done since September last year, it's helped me get away from gambling a lot, I'm out of old habits of drinking, smoking and gambling too much with my old friends, even though I still miss them a lot! (Thank god for Whatsapp). I have a girlfriend here but I don't really know that many people and obviously with the language barrier it's quite hard for me to meet new friends. I've been looking for social groups on the internet, joining the gym, looking for a football team, i've not had much success but i'm happy with my effort so far. It's very easy to just sit alone with a laptop or phone all day and obviously this is when the boredom or unhappiness can lead to looking for a way to make some extra cash, maybe with the idea that that will make you more happy? Realistically, it won't. You are already stressed with money worries and you CAN'T gamble your way out of it, don't even try. If you go and lose a few hundred quid, maybe get another payday loan, think how terrible you will feel.

It's not all doom and gloom though! You've reached out to this forum so you are already taking steps to change your life, that's no easy thing. As I said before, you sound like a smart guy and are obviously a nice person too, I've no doubt you'll be able to find happiness in the not to distant future if you are willing to keep working hard.

Keep going!

Cheers

Scott

Hi Ryan,

How has day 4 been? You're not alone in this, remember these companies are designed to make gambling addicts of all of us - we are designed to fight back, battle of the fittest if you will. Well done on getting out with the family, just being with people will help you in your journey and remind you of the personal relationships we all need to be full people.

If you can try and read some of the info on gambling addictions, i'm serious these companies spend millions in developing games, apps, promo's to get us hooked and the addiction can be worse than C*****e so keep you mind on the image of a C*****e addict and keep yourself as far away from that as possible - shock therapy but true nonetheless.

On the subject of being paid I feel your pain - we've all been in the situation where we think "oh great, i've paid the bills" or "that bill isnt due" DO NOT BE TEMPTED! Get rid of your money as soon as you can, if you gamble online pay your bills and get the cash out of your account - put it anywhere but available to you.

If you gamble at betting shops/casinos then take a moment to feel strong, take the cash you need for that day, lunch, whatever it might be and leave your card at home - being prepared is being in control so take a moment and be kind to yourself through preparation.

Sounds harsh and a bit "lectury" but if i could tell myself these things i would - i hope they help in some way. One day at a time we are all winning - forget the losses - they are gone, the future does not involve gambling.

Stay strong

Much love

B

xx

Hi Ryan,

Hope you've got through day 4, those horrible feelings when you look back over what you have done are an inevitable part of recovering, and in many cases the process can give you plenty of motivation to change too. I recognize a lot of what you say in my own life, I often feel like I don't quite get along with others, that people don't necessarily get me.

As for the practical side of things, dealing with debt is tough, I've been through that particular challenge more than once. Building the debt mountain, paying it all off, and building a whole new debt mountain. It can be dealt with. I found Money Saving Expert's forums to be really useful, and there are some good charity organizations you can go to for advice to.

Recovery does bring a lot back....Gambling took away my confidence, my social abilities, my self-respect and even my desire to engage with other people. It comes back, and the longer you can stay away, the more you will see these features in your personality bounce back too.

All the best

Ryan (too)