Ryan's Recovery

Hi Ryan... just checking in on you... hit us back just to chat! Hope you're ok.

Ryan93 wrote:

Day Six - Thursday 10/09/2015

Just checking in for today, I had a day off work today, it's gone by smoothly as I've been on the playstation and caught up on some TV from the past week or so.

I've had temptations, but I've only got a small portion of cash in the bank to last me until payday. Every time I experienced a temptation in the past couple of days, I have felt a lot more safeguarded, as the majority of my funds are locked away in a savings account I can't touch. Already in heindseight, taking that step of opening up a savings account I can't touch on Tuesday, was such a great thing to do.

I'm back at work now for the next 4 days. By that time, I'l be into double figures!

Best wishes!

-Ryan

Still in double figures Ryan??

Hey gamcare forum..

right now is a very low point for me personally...

things had been looking up, especially the last couple of days, I'd made some plans for my future, but right now, all those plans have gone to s**t, and I'm at one of the lowest points of my life.

Within the last 10 minutes I've gone and done it again - payday yesterday (I get paid 4-weekly), so I've gone and blown my whole wage plus loads more on top, a total of £1,320 this time. 4 weeks ago it was £2,500ish.

It was all to try and win £2.20 back, cos I had to get the train and pay today instead of using my pre-paid bus pass. Which annoyed me and I waned to get some money back.

Within the past 4 weeks I've only gambled twice - which was to win money back for tai fares I had to get, at a result of having to stay home a little longer before work to look after my Gran.

I'm very weak emotionally, and cannot cope with having to fork money out on things that I believe I shouldn't have to - but I do need to get a grip of the real world and start realising that these things happen - gambling isn't a way out of anything!!!!!!

But right now I have just short of £150 to last me for the next 4 weeks, and I wasn't intending on working as much this month...

I don't know how I'l feel when I wake up. Gutted. Ashamed. Regretful. But it's always inevitable. I'm seriously at a loss at what to do about this whole thing.

Making changes requires an immense amount of motivation. I was regaining my motivation like never before in the past few days, and was considering moving up to Scotland to work, a real major step in my life, which would give me bills to pay and a genuine sense of real life, but the events of 10 minutes ago has put a massive halt to those plans. This has happened at the complete worst time for me.

It's always stupid o clock in the morning that I lose fortunes. I know that the right thing to do now is to once again cancel my card online and only have access to my money by going intot he bank.

I see my counsellor on Monday, and I only have 1 session left after that. I'm completely at a loss at how to feel, and how to cope.

I'm trying not to feel too down. I'm such an incredibly positive person, but I can already feel that this parcular loss is going to hit me very hard and seriously crumble my mentality and my confidence in all areas.

To me, events like this seem to be the norm for problem gamblers such as myself, I'm so used to losing four figure amounts of money, even though I work on minimum wage. It's hard to take. It's hard to accept.

I seriously do not know what to do now though.. one thing is for certain, I need to withdraw the £500 I had in savings as I need some of this money to live on for the next month. But that's all I've got. I'm at a low point right now.. I just hope I wake up feeling okay.

It's going to take a long time. A very long time. But somehow I need to sort something out.

I stopped before I spent my last penny. If there's an positives to take, than that's one, but that changes nothing in my view, I've let myself down more than ever before.. work's not been fantastic recently and my store leads have been on my back, I want to be happy, I want to be positive and I want to feel as though I am making progress in life.

This is just another major step back. It's going to take no gambling and little spending between now and the end of November to get me back into a place where I feel financially stable.

So, right now, I have set myself a short-term target of making it to the end of November without a bet, and without spending too much either between now and then. I just hope beyond hope that I can make it to that day and achieve my short term goal. It would be a dream for me right now.

Sorry for the rambling, just needed to get my feelings out somewhere, and here is the perfect place.

Speak soon. And best wishes to you all. Keep your heads up.

-Ryan

Just a little update to my last post before I go to sleep..

I'm attempting to see the positives. I'm keeping my head up as much as I can. I'm going to attempy to live as normally as possible til I get back on my feet. But bigger changes than what I've done ever before are going to be required in order for me to succeed this time.

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Just read your post, I do hope you wake up feeling positive, let it mentally beat you now, let it win,

Time for changes my friend, look forwards now with a fresh slate, forget what you have lost, put it totally behind you, hard I know, but if you let go, you will feel better, what's done is done,

Break the triangle completely, don't even think about that 500 to get your money back, have it where you can't access it for

gambling.

Draw a line now through it all, you will feel stronger in a couple of days,

Take care and keep strong.

Suzanne xx

Hello Ryan

I've read your diary from start to present and without wishing to patronise you, you are obviously an inteligent man.

You are also a young man, and, you may not realise it, but your youth can be your biggest strength, because even in this, your darkest days, you can tell yourself that you hopefully have not mere years, but decades of life ahead of you.

Trust me when I tell you that life can change for the good just as quickly as it does for the bad sometimes, I too have been in the pit of despair and wonder what the Hell is the point of it all, can't see a way forward....but....life can surpise you in so many great ways.

In a few years from now your life could be completely different to what it is now, and in a good way, in 10 years you will still only be in your early thirties and your life will be unregonisible from what it is now.........You have so much more than money Ryan you have the gift of time......From today use that gift of time to become the person you can be, the person you want to be. Graft away at the supermarket and keep applying for better paid jobs in the meantime, it will happen for you, you are young and you are far far better than the outcome of a football match or the spin of a roullete wheel.

Don't beat yourself up about relapsing, you are human, it happens, but try and use the relapse to become stronger, use it as a weapon against the gambling industry.

Onwards and Upwards young man!!

Today is a great day because it is the first day of your new life......GO FOR IT!!

Thankyou Suzanne, that's a very helpfup and constructive post.

I'm certainly going to put all of my efforts into wiping the losses off completely, now is a new start, no point worrying or getting yourself down about previous mistakes, just go forward and ensure they never happen again! You've always responded to me when I've been feeling pretty down on here, so thankyou personally for putting up with my persistent relapses, it means alot - I hope beyond hope that this is the last one!

Also, thankyou I win, that's a really motivating post, you are right about having time on my side - what you've outlined is the dream for me right now - a long term target that I cannot wait to live out and achieve. What I need to do is cancel my debit card for online transactions again, which is what started my previous 142 days of abstainance. You've reached day 40 yourself, I will certainly find time to read through your posts in the near future - but it's fantastic to see you reach this number of days - keep on fighting!

Today is day one - I'm working from 5pm - 11pm this evening, thankfully not a massive shift, so let's get it out of the way and let's make today the start of the rest of my life.

Best wishes to you all.

-Ryan

Hope you've had a good day Ryan. Keep the faith.

Thankyou @Change, there is definitely better news from today.

I've made it through day 1 without a bet, although I personally believe that the days shortly after a big loss are the easiest days of a recovery journey. The going will get tough later down the line and I need to ensure I am prepared and in the right frame of mind for when the tougher days of my recovery begin.

I've not felt too down about last night much today, which upon reflection I am quite happy about. As I've been feeling more motivated to make changes to mo life recently, the last thing I want to do is put myself back at square one. Even though it's hurt me significantly financially, I would like to take it as somewhat of a setback, rather than a major issue that could potentially drag me down.

As Suzanne suggested, I've drawn a line through that money, which has really helped me in the past 24 hours. I have had absolutely no temptations to try and get it back today, which is unusual, as every other time I have always had urges the followng day. Perhaps this could signify a changing of my mindset and the way my mind works? I hope so! Right now, I am now looking to my next payday as a chance to get myself back on my feet, which is at the end of this month.

It's a blessing to be able to post my emotions and progress on this forum. Thankyou.

I see my counsellor for the 3rd to last time on Monday, before I start work. I can't wait to put things into perspective with her and discuss the benefits and negatives of things I can do for myself going forward.

Hope you are all having a wonderful, gamble-free weekend. Take care,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

So glad you find the forum useful..please keep posting and venting out....it helps ☺

Something you said jumped out at me - first days after the 'sessions' are easy..yes,they are...but don't get fooled by it..it will come bk hounting you before you know it!
Just not long ago i thought of this addiction and compared it with other ones...so i can see clearly how serious it is.
Let's say drugs (god forbid, i hope you didn't and will never go there)..if you are at the thin line of overdosing, you suffering pretty much for two days (drug getting out of ur system), with this addiction - it takes well longer to come round...even few months until you feel bk on ur feet emotionally. This is progressive illness, it will never stop "taking"...but ...same as with physical drugs, you have a choice - ride the storm out and survive it or get "ur" fix and drown deeper ...

I am sure you know which one you are aiming for - recovery my friend, grab and don't let go..sticks & stones might brake ur bones now, but this journey is worth it.

Look after you..it can be done

S x

How did the counsellor session go pal? Hope you're keeping well.

5 days completed

Hello Gamcare forum, just checking in for today before I go to sleep.

I've had a few urges recently that have been caused through frustration at my situation in life, and my inability to do anything due to the financial contraints I have put myself into - but of course, gambling is no way out - it's just leads you deeper in!

However, I aren't ever one for sitting back and feeling sorry for myself though. I've worked the last 3 days, and I'm working the next 3 too. It's now a minimum of 6 working days a week for me til I'm back on my feet financially!

@Change, thankyou for asking, the session went okay thankyou, most productively I have my penultimate ever session booked for the day before payday, which means a lot to me - I really must hold onto the money I get on my next payday (in 3 weeks) - for the sake of my own sanity!

Also thankyou Sandra for your post, great words of wisdom right there - I fully appreciate where you are coming from with the progressive nature of this addiction - I can see how my losses too over time have been progressive - but now they must stop.

Other than working, I've been feeling okay-ish, there's still absolutely no change in my loneliness, I'm feeling a little more productive about my future, but my bedroom is still in a mess and I have absolutely no energy to clean it anytime soon. Motivation to do anything other than work at my supermarket, is a massive issue for me ever since I finished Uni 1 year and a half ago. I packed in driving lessons roughly 2 months ago as I just didn't have the passion for it anymore. I'd be lying if I said I found many things interesting and engaging nowadays.

Gambling has made almost every aspect of normal life seem boring and unappealing. But I have found previously, that with recovery and abstainance comes a new-found appreciation of day-to-day life, the longer the abstainance, the more positive outlook you have on life.

Ultimately - day 5 isn't even a microscopic fraction of the days that I want to achieve in this recovery journey. It's going to be anything but easy - but I'm developing something to build upon! Thankyou for your support.

Take care, hope you are all having a positive & gamble-free week.

-Ryan

10 days completed

Hello Gamcare Forum, hope you are all coping well 🙂

The early hours of this morning mark the conclusion of 10 successive days of gambling abstainance for me. It's a massive relief to see myself reach double figures, and now I commence the start of day 11.

My short term target is to make it to payday at the end of this month, and then medium-term til the payday afterwards. The dream right now is that I am able to keep this next payday amount. I've worked intense overtime shifts on the last 8 days straight, hoping to give myself something to look forward to at the ed of the month, as well as be able to get myself out of this overdraft I have got myself into. I'm not feeling 100% great at the moment, but I have today (Tuesday) off work, and I hope to spend it with my nephew and with my family.

I've had incredibly little in the way of gambling temptations recently. Selling lottery tickets gaveme a slight urge as it was a special day on Saturday, but I ddn't even come close to buying a ticket - I've got virtually no free money at the moment!

Sunday was a testing day. I had to get a taxi to work as I missed the bus. The last 3 or 4 times I've had to get a taxi anywhere I've always gone online and gambled in the hope of getting my money back for it straight afterwards, but this time I took it on the chin; and accepted that these things happen every now and again. I'm proud of being able to control my emotions and the fact that I haven't attempted to get it back through gambling ways. Instead, I am hoping to do more overtime at work to compensate for the cost of the taxi (roughly 2 hours worth of work). Side Note - I am aware that my mind works weird in wanting to get my money back for things I see as 'injustice payments' (payments I believe I should not have to make) - but I guess that this is all part and parcel of being a compulsive gambler!

Work has been a bit of a pain too. Today (Monday), my manager summoned me in for an 'investigation' into my behaviour as I had previously authorised paracetamol for myself - when I should have requested a colleague to scan it through the till for me (something about breaking their approval policy). I was very honest throughout, very complient and and very apologetic. However, instead of accepting my apology and accepting that I wasn't aware of the rule - they have passed the case onto a 'regional disciplinary meeting' - where I am likely to receive a warning and a record on my profile, meaning I would be unable to progress in the company. It's an extremely heavyhanded approach to managing colleagues if you ask me, and it's left me in two minds over what to do with my future. I had high hopes of progressing in the company, but those aspirations seem a million miles away now.

On a more positive note, I received an update from my local adoption centre today - saying that my birth mother had received my letter and photo I had sent to her roughly 4 months ago. They informed me that my birth mother had commented that she enjoyed reading my letter, and that we both shared similar smiles. She also spoke about how I had changed so much since we were seperated when I was just 6 months old. Even though the only communication I've had with my birth mother in the past 22 years has been 1 letter I received at the turn of this year, it put a smile on my face knowing that my letter had reached her, and that she enjoyed reading it too. I may receive a responding letter near Christmas time. If this 2nd letter from my birth mother could arrive combined with me being gamble free since my current 'last bet date', I'd be in a content place.

Anyhow, sorry for rambling on, it's been a while since my last post.

'What will happen in life, will happen. As long as it's gamble-free, it's progress in my eyes'. That's my made-up quote for the day 🙂

Best wishes to every member of this forum. Hope you have a productive and gamble free week.

-Ryan

14 Days Completed! (Sorry for the structure errors in this post - I'm not very tech-savvy and don't know what went wrong)

Good morning/evening Gamcare forum members! Hope you are all well 🙂

I'm 10% of the way to beating my previous record of 142(ish) days, but there is no room for looking back with this problem. Just keep looking forwards.

Good night Gamcare forum'ers, have a brilliant weekend (and sorry for the structure of this post).

20 days of abstainance completed!

The early hours of this morning mark 20 days of abstainance for me. Even though it feels like longer, it's an incredibly proud moment for me.

In a way I'm sort of pleased that I lost the two amounts in September and at the start of this month. That's the mental state of mind I've been able to get myself into. Sure, it's not been any fun living on a small overdraft, but during the past 20 days I've had several occasions where I've reflected upon my past 4+ years of out-of-control gambling. My out of control gmbling habbits whilst I was at uni seem like such a distant memory. I've seen how much my life has moved on, but my gambling habbits have not only stayed with me, but got progressively worse. All I've realistically done for the past year and a half since graduating from University is work myself to the ground, all to fund this disgusting habbit. This is why, even though I may be repeating myself, it would mean so much for me to be able to hold on to my next pay amount (which I will receive in 7 days) and then move onwards from there.

I'm in a mentally stronger and more educated position after these 20 days of abstainance, than I was when I was 20 days in, back in April of this year. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and regretting my decisions, I'm currently in a position whereby I've accepted the gambling wrongdoings of my past. Urges have been virtually non-existent recently, and long may this continue.

I've still got many underlying problems in my life, but I know I'm well on my way there to addressing them. I know I'm making massive progress with my life even though there is no physical evidence of it right now. The evidence of my efforts are all to look forward to. And I do believe this to be the case with many recovering compulsive gamblers. It's a game of patience just as much as it is will power.

20 days feels great. Long may it continue.

Best wishes to every gamcare member, regardless of whether you are on day 1 or day 1,000, have a brilliant Friday and an even better gamble-free weekend.

-Ryan