Ryan's Recovery

how you doing ryan? long time and no posts?

You over a century now Ryan?

Good morning Gamcare forum, long time no post, hope all members of this forum are having a productive and gamble-free 2016.

Firstly, thankyou Change for your posts and I must send my apologies for my abscence. I did manage to go 97 days without a bet, and over the past 10 days or so I have been in relapse.

The inevitable big losses started 2 days ago, which led to chasing ect.. I'd rather not discuss numbers, however I did max out a pay day loan and I've also maxed out my overdraft. My saving grace is that I've not touched the money I've been putting into my savings account I set up in October, so the majority of my money I haven't actually gambled with However, that hasn't stopped me screweing myself over by taking out a maximum allowance payday loan and going all the way into my overdraft (so typical :/).

Prior to relapsing, my thought pattern was that I was very, very bored, and severely lacking any fun in my life (massive de ja vu from all my previous relapses). I was thinking irrationally, and wanted to entertain myself that afternoon, so after a few hours of strong urges, I opened a new account and placed a few sports bets online with them. This led to heavier and heavier gambling across the coming days, from video slots to blackjack, and then, the killer for me, roulette. In the past 2 days I've lost in excess of £2,000.. not a proud moment for me personally, however I must stress I haven't completely screwed myself over. I get paid at the end of this week and everywhere I owe money out to can be covered.

I had a good conversation with a family member about my unhappiness yesterday (Friday evening). That family member has no idea about my 5+ years of gambling hell, but they know about my reclusive and unhappy situation, and it was good to discuss ways to improve both of these with them.

My bank account currently reads fully overdrawn with 12p available.. my phone bill is due early next week so it'l be fun explaining that one to o2.

Realistically I need to give myself a big talking to because this is 3 times now in the last year that I've made it to 3 months+ of abstainance, and then got bored and gone back. I know things need to change for me with my life, but I don't seem to be having any luck at all really outside of gambling (please excuse the pun), I'm still massively unmotivated to do anything in my life, and this relapse won't help, but I guess making it to the end of this month without a bet will be a decent starting point.

All things considered, this most recent relapse happened because I didn't make the necessary changes in my life. Staying indoors and playing the playstation is a decent alternative to gambling to start with, but it isn't a long term solution, as I keep on learning.

I'm not asking for any sympathy, it's completely my fault. Here's my made-up quote of the day:

There's only 1 person responsible for relapses, and there's only 1 person with the power to come back from them.

So it's onwards and upwards. Day 1 here we go again. I'm working the next 3 days and then we will see where we go from there.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

Hey Ryan,

What a honest open post. I could of written this myself - boredom - loneliness are the main triggers for me also, which usually ends up in the journey down memory road which never helps :-/

Well my friend, you know your triggers and know what needs changing...change is the hardest bit in the recovery. Being closed in ur room and isolating obviously not doing you any favours. It's ok to feel in our own skin sometimes and peace is needed, but we also must aknowledge when that line is stepped over and loneliness is taking over.
What about any volunteering work when you have time? Maybe this would divert your mind and help you aknowledge positivity in your life?
It's not straightforward road...hell it's not, but we cannot give up on giving up.

Stand back up, dust yourself down and try again. You're intelligent guy, use your intelligence and wisdom wisely. You can reach so much in your life only if you allow it to happen.

Strength and honour dear Ryan. Stay safe. You can do it!

Sandra x

Hi Ryan... was sorry to read your post but like you said the content was inevitable. I think you need to post on here more often as what you're doing now isn't working. There's so much to do in the world that there is no need to get bored. Think outside the box and pick a new hobby and just run with it. I started baking bread and I have been doing crochet this month... next month I could do something else. Just have a think about it.

Good morning Gamcare forum!

Today's started out as another one of those days.. I'd almost finished typing out a meaningful post toward this thread, and then the browser typically goes and refreshes itself.. absolutely priceless.

Anyhow, thankyou so much @Change, there really is so much to do in the world, so many things to do aside from gambling, however, it's only when not gambling that we are able to open our eyes and see the possibilities, which begs the question.. what on earth is there to gain from going back?! It's absolutely amazing to see both you and @GT gamble free for 2016. Thankyou both for the terrific advice, you are both inspirations to me, keep up the fantastic momentum and stay strong.

Thankyou also @Sandra, you summarised the issue of boredom very well, but it is what it is at the end of the day - an excuse! And sometimes that's all we are looking for as gamblers, so going forward, we can't let small things like that defeat us! Honesty really is the best policy, it's the best way of beating this problem of ours once and for all, it's nice to be able to let everything out and start on a blank page after an unfortunate repalse. I wish you every success in your recovery journey too, stay determined!

Aside from gambling, I played some snooker for the first time in a little while on Wednesday, with a colleague from work. I was only expecting to play a few frames, maybe 2 or 3, however, we both seemed to enjoy it, and ended up playing for over 5 hours. It was the best day I've had in quite a while, and just shows what there is out there that doesn't involve gambling!

Work has been work, in other words, nothing but pure frustration, and I've been paid wrong for the 5th payday in a row. But never to worry, it's keeping me level and keeping me out of trouble for the time being.

Hope you all have a wonderful, gamble-free weekend.

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Hope you've had a good weekend Ryan and managed to reset to go again?

Here we go again, it's the same old; same old, the feeling of losing thousands of hard-earned pounds, even though I only work a minimum wage job, doesn't even upset me any more, it just frustrates me, which is upon reflection, the most worrying part.

Friday evening after finishing work I went and lost £1,300 of my own money chasing a £10 loss, why oh why did I give in to the urges and go back into the world of self destruction and financial devastation.. I've blamed boredom far too often..

I stopped myself before losing every penny somehow, and I've left myself with *just* enough funds to be able to exist for the next 3 weeks til payday. I also haven't touched any of my savings, which I've spent the past 5 months contributing towards, I just wish I'd not given myself the opportunity to gamble with this most recent amount of money.

I've decided that I will no longer be working the extensive overtime hours that I have been pushing myself into in recent years. All I've seemed to have done is drag my health into the ground by working constant 50+ hour weeks, only to go and blow away the extra money I've earned.. it's a viscious circle and I'm desperate to get out of it.

So hopefully by not working as much, I'l not only have less money to be able to consider gambling with, but I'l also give myself some more free time to make changes with my life outside of work. Hopefully it will be a win-win situation for me.

Right now I just want to go into hiding and come back out in a few weeks. I need to get some momentum going and build up some abstained days. I'm a happier person this year than last. The events of 2 days ago won't bring me down. It's just another lesson in my learning curve of recovery.

I'd like to comprehensively apologise to the members of this forum that have taken time to read my posts, I've let you all down once again, and for that I am very sorry, I hope to join you all in this journey toward making our 2016's productive, gamble-free years, and in claiming our lives back, let's see what the rest of the year has to bring!

Best wishes to you all,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan... your post was as inevitable as night follows day. I really feel you would benefit from becoming more involved in the forum and maybe posting on a daily basis. Just keep it to your own diary and focus on your self. Nothing is changing from you so I don't see how you can expect to quit. There are obviously routes open to you to gamble and I don't understand why you haven't shut them down? If you go in bookies then take a photo and self exclude. If you get on your laptop and phone then get blocking software. You are going to go mental chasing this round and round in circles. Please hear me out and post on here more often. We've both been here for roughly the same time (I remember you being here when I first joined) and we're both no further along. We can help each other get out this mess. Please think about some of the bits I've said. Keep the faith.

I feel I must apologise to you Ryan as shortly after my post to you I went on my own gambling binge. It's tough but I'm always here for you. Keep the faith.

Day two completed.

This was a day two unlike any other before. I will apologise in advance for using gambling terminology in the next paragraph, I am aware it may not be tasteful to use such words on a recovery diary, but I do wish to explain just what was going off in my head, and how I have dealt with it.

I really had to battle off some urges at a couple of points today, the gambling devil was in my ear, attempting to talk me into placing an audacious long-shot bet in an attempt to somehow claw some of my losses back. I did, regretfully, find myself on an odds comparison website, but there was absolutely no way I was going to let these urges get the better of me, and I quickly strayed away from such thoughts.

Every other time I have attempted recovery, I've never had to deal with these kinds of urges this early on, so perhaps this could be considered to be the first mental accomplishment of my most recent recovery journey.

Thankyou Change and GT for your posts, I really appreciate your thoughtful messages, and I wholeheartedly agree with your suggestions. It is true that I am reluctant to install blocking software on my mac and my phone, and there really are silly excuses as to why I haven't installed them, such as the inability to check live football scores, as well as live streaming for snooker and such. It's one to think about, and I know it's something I should look into. Having said that, I do have some reasons to be proud, and my regular deposits into the savings account have limited the damage I have been able to do to myself in this past month or so.

It was very interesting to read your most recent post GT, relating to your 5-point action plan. I found it very useful, it's fantastic to see you measuring your own success against your list of objectives. Many congratulations for completing all 5 parts of it throughout January.

I've left you a little post on your own thread Change, my heart goes out to you, thankyou once again.

I'm working a 3-11 shift this evening, and I am in the process of setting up 2 more days where I will be playing snooker next week, one with a friend at work, and the other with a family member. I am paying particular focus toward breaking into the time aspect of the triangle you referred to GT, as this is the most crucual element for me to resolve. Hopefully, by working 5 of the next 6 days, I have addressed the 'time' element for the next 2 weeks or so. Boredom has been my excuse for many of my recent relapses, so I am keen to address this, keep myself occupied, and keep the urges at bay.

Hope you have all had productive and gamble-free weekends, I'm sending my best wishes to you all.

-Ryan

Thanks for your post Ryan. I hope you're doing well.

I would look at shutting down those gambling websites that are offering snooker streaming etc. Plus you can get live scores through other non blocked websites. The important snooker matches are streamed on BBC so you're not missing much with the small tournaments where the standard is a lot poorer. I just fear that it's leaving an option open for you and being on and around sites such as comparison ones is not ideal.

You've done well to come through day 2 intact. I can relate to you saying urges near the start are normally smaller and then they ramp up. Hopefully yesterday was just a bad urge day and you'll find today easier.

Keep going pal and stay focusing. Don't give in and keep pushing forward to make improvements. You can do it Ryan!

Day three completed.

Just a short little update for today, I got through Monday without much to report, work wasn't great, I had time to think about just how much I'd managed to lose once again, we're talking 200+ hours worth of grafting that I blew, but it's all good, and the longer I remain gamble free, the more proud I will become, and the more I will see the events of 3 days ago as a turning point in my life.

Thankyou for your post @Change, monday was certainly easier, great to see you make it through Monday without a bet too. Fantastic to see us both back on the recovery journey and so determined.

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Well done on day 3 and for staying so positive. We've got to finally put this to bed this time and improve our lives or were just wasting time. Hope day 4 goes well.

Hope you've had a good day pal. No checking of scores, no checking of odds, no crazy thoughts... what's the point? Let's stay focus and keep edging to a better life. Keep the faith.