Ryan's Recovery

Hi Ryan

Your posts are inspiring me. I went 43-44 days without a bet at my first attempt then had a gambling binge from Saturday through till yesterday so I'm back on day 1. I also play snooker - I'm a decent club player but that's about it. Play once a week in a local league.

I wondered if you wanted to 'buddy-up' and track each other's progress in our journeys. I'll watch out for you and you watch out for me. We need to kick this habit and I think being accountable to someone will help me more. I will track your progress regardless but just a thought.

Start of Day Five - Friday 20th March 2015

Firstly I'd like to say thank you ODAAT, Scott and Bean for your posts. Wednesday was a pretty tough day, but I think I needed a day like that in order to get over the sizeable loss on Monday that I experienced. I'm going to look into snooker coaching; or perhaps, as you have recommended, a league.

I really agree with what you have eluded to about being around people more often. I find that when I am in social situations, gambling thoughts never enter into my mind, and life is generally a lot better. However, as I've previously mentioned, social situations are a rare occurance for me. I spend a lot of time alone, which isn't something I enjoy, nor want, it's just a result of a mixture of bad luck in life as well as preferring gambling to socialising in the past 4 years of my life. As the days go by I'm hoping this will change.

​I went to my second GA meeting yesterday. It was a daunting experience having to admit that I had taken quite a large hit on Monday to the group. However, I was keen to stress that I am using what happened as a positive, as an event I will always remember and; ideally, never have to repeat again.

The most valuable thing that I was able to take from my GA meeting a week ago was the fact that, whilst having thoughts about wanting to gamble, I was considering the meetings, my counsellor, and my progress so far in ways that I have never experienced before. I didn't want to let them down. It's all positive going forward.

Right now, I'm just on the train going to this week's counselling session, and to finally sort out a cash only card with the bank. I've been paid this morning, and the pay day loan has been cleared just a few hours ago, leaving me with just enough cash left in my overdraft to get me through this month until my next payday, as long as I am able to stay away from gambling temptations.

Incidentally, you are so right Bean about the scandalous methods that are used by the gambling industry to keep us hooked. This morning, I discovered that very similar scummy tactics are deployed by pay day loan companies. Having paid back my pay day loan, they sent me a text informing me I am now able to apply for loans of a higher amount. That's just feeding right into the hands of a problem gambler, I don't know how these companies get away with, what is essentially, preying on extremely vulnerable customers.

​Thankyou also to the other contributors on this post. It's really appreciated, and it's helping me more than you could ever believe. I've been super busy, Il provide a more full response to you in my update tonight.

​Take care, and best wishes,

Ryan.

Thats great Ryan. You sound very positive and focused. Well done. It is a great feeling when you start to sort yourself out. This will help your recovery. Making plans and sticking to them will get you results. You will look back at your diary in the next few weeks and it will give you confidence to keep going. Well done

End of Day Five - Friday 20 March 2015

This will serve as a short update to what I posted earlier today.

Today's passed by with no real urges whatsoever, it's been somewhat of a breeze. Having said that, I am really keen this time around to NOT allow myself to get complacent. Even when a day passes by without any gambling thoughts, I'm still going to bring myself back to this diary, and remind myself, at least once every couple of days, of the journey I have taken this far. I've heard a few people on here and at my GA meeting comment about never allowing yourself to down-play just quite how bad the bad times are in gambling. I find this really important, and I believe this is the key to not relapsing ever again.

I've been able to keep myself busy today by staying in town for a while after my counselling session, and I have now finally changed my debit card to be 'cash only'. It just means that at stupid-o-clock in the morning I'l not longer have access to money online. Or any other time of day for that matter. It was a tough step to take, for somebody as 'online' as me, but it had to be done. I've admitted to myself I can't control my finances and I've taken steps to address it. As well as this I've been playing the new Battlefield game I've purchased for my Playstation. It's not exactly the social situations that I need to put myself into, however, it's time spent not gambling, and, more importantly, time spent not thinking about gambling. For the time being, as least.

@Ryan (leedso), I find myself relating strongly to many of the things you mention. You are definitely right when you say that you gain more confidence as a person and your prsonality is able to shine through a lot better whilst not gambling. It's like a graph, in the sense that as time spent not gambling increases, so does improvements in personality, self confidence and interpersonal skills. It just takes time. Time is such a crucial element in this problem of ours.

@Change, Your sequence of events correlates with my most recent relapse almost identically. You made 44 days without a bet, a whole month and a half, that's fantastic and you should be very proud of the massive progress you have made this far. It may not feel that way right now, but you've proven to yourself that this illness can be beaten, and that's really going to give you a huge belief going forwards. I'l definitely be sure to keep an eye out on your progress, you have really hit the nail on the head about accountability. That's what's keeping me going right now. Have you ever tried GA? I've only been to two sessions but the sense of accountability from the other members there, in addition to the members on this forum, is significantly repelling any chance of me ever clicking that deposit button again, in all honesty.

@Poblwc, What you are saying I can really agree with, having made it through today. It's the first day since I 'did myself in' on Sunday night, that I've really felt better inside, and I'm understanding the progress I'm making too. Halfway to double figures, it's some real progress already. Thankyou for the kind words.

(ps. I've made a few slight edits to my post from earlier today - just to ensure that the feelings I was intending to express are now written so in a more understandable and more detaied way.)

That's all for today. To everybody recovering from this illness, I hope you have a gamble-free and enjoyable weekend.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

lots of positives from the five days

keep going and hope you know your not alone in this journey

tri

Nice post Ryan. Keep going. We can do this.

End of Day Six, Saturday 21 March 2015.

Firstly, I'd like to thank Tri and Change for your positive messages today, you are the driving force behind me keeping this non-gambling streak going, it's really appreciated.

Today's passed by in a very similar fashion to yesterday. I haven't left the house, which hasn't been fantastic, however, I've also had very little in the way of urges. I was following the live scores of the football, which I should know better than to do by now, and had a small little urge to have a flutter on a game, but instantly told myself there's no way that that's happening. It was a case of 'snap-judgement', I didn't even consider the possiblilty of acting upon those thoughts. So I'm thankful in that sense that day six has been relatively easy on me.

This morning I was considering how we should stand on 'free bets', or 'free-to-play' games/tournaments with real cash prizes. I was contemplating the 'super 6' tournament with Sky Sports Soccer Saturday. However, I didn't want my mind to even think about guessing a football score, because to me, that's putting me in a gambling situation. I was just wondering where other users on this forum would stand on this issue?

As for the next few days, I will be working tomorrow (Sunday) night, as well as Monday night, so these next couple of days should pass by with relative ease. The testing days will be Tuesday and Wednesday as I have those days off work, however, I'm enjoying playing the Battlefield game I referred to in my previous post, so with a bit of luck any thoughts of gambling will be kept to a minimum.

The key thing right now is not to allow myself to get complacent. I've attempted to stop gambling far more times than I care to remember, but as a result of doing so, I've been able to ascertain that complacency is my downfall.

My recommendation to anybody attempting to stop gambling once and for all; is to persistantly remind yourself just quite how dark the bad times are in gambling. It's in every human's mindset to try to forget and play down life's negative experiences, however, if we're going to beat this addiction, you have to always keep your guard up, and never allow yourself to think 'it wasn't that bad'. Because it was that bad. And the dark times are something you surely never want to experience ever again.

Hope you are all having an enjoyable and gamble-free weekend.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

End of Day Seven, Sunday 22 March 2015

Good evening! Hope all your weekends have gone by just fine.

Firstly, il report the good news, I've made it through today (day 7) without a bet!

Writing this update, I am just sat in my train station waiting for the train to work. Finish at 5am and won't gamble whilst I'm at work and so I've made it a whole week at this most recent attempt to stop!

The urges today have been relatively small and comfortable to deal with, which is a welcome relief from earlier this week.

As ridiculous as it sounds, today's urges began when I was checking the Chelsea vs Hull City score, and saw that a team I used to bet on a lot in one of the Spanish lower leagues was drawing at home and had just had a goal disallowed. Of course, there's no way I'm going to be tempted any time soon to act on these urges, it was just an uncomfortable feeling inside.

Aside from that, it's been an enjoyable weekend, and now I am working the next 2 nights.

​Just a thought that is growing on me, working night shift is a tough thing to do as a compulsive gambler. I think it's the reason I'm struggling to escape from the gambling world. I stock shelves by myself for 8 hours a night, 4 or 5 nights a week, with very limited opportunities for communication or social interaction. It's an incredibly lonely job, and gambling is a very lonely form of entertainment.

After I succeeded in going 87 days without a bet in my last period of recovery between November 2014 and the start of this month, I found the motivation to apply for new jobs and make progress with my life. With this most recent relapse, I've lost all motivation to progress with my life. Hopefully as I rack up the days Il begin to sort my life out again. I can't afford another relapse. I have to make me progress now.

​Take care and good night,

Ryan.

Well done Ryan. You're having a big impact on me as well. I keep looking out for your posts. We can do this... it's tough but we can do it. We want better lives and gambling only brings disaster. Hope the shift goes well. Keep your chin up and get through week 2.

Well done on the first week pal. I'm going to find next Tues and Weds difficult myself. Tues is payday. Day 11 for me. I'll keep an eye out for your posts then. Let's do this

Thankyou Change, NT and GivingUp for the positive comments. Together we can beat this addiction.

I've updated my post from a little earlier today, as I was feeling like reminiscing whilst waiting for my train.

@Change, you are halfway there now to completing a week. The days are racking up quite quickly. It's nice to receive support from you and your having a big impact on me too. I am hoping that this accountability (if it can be called that) will help us succeed in the long run.

@GivingUp, the time in and around payday are such testing times for us. The hardest days of a problem gamblers recovery. Keep your head up, remind yourself defiantly of the reasons why you are abstaining when you wake up that morning, and I have faith that you will see that day through. Enjoy it for what it is.

@NT congratulations on making 81 days without a bet and thankyou for the kind words. Your profile picture reminds me that we just need to take this 1 day at a time, but at the same time, enjoy it and look back at what we have left behind.

Getting ready to start my shift now.

I'm feeling like posting the story if my addiction from beginning to present day on day 10. Whilst it might take quite a bit of time to type up, however, it will be nice to get it off my chest, whilst bringing more meaning to this whole recovery diary.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

Day Eight, Monday 23 March 2015.

Been given the night off work tonight. Will be going in tomorrow night instead.

I'l start with the good news, still haven't had a bet, however, in a moment of boredom I looked at the Israeli league, and was really tempted to back one of the home teams. They went on to lose the game. Although I never came close to putting a bet on, I'm still experiencing mixed emotions about what I did.

I guess I've refreshed my memory of how it feels to gamble. By doing this, i've also reminded myself that I cannot go back, because the world of gambling is far too imersive and far too addicting, whilst at the same time, dragging me down as a person and ensuring I make little or no progress in life.

I'm just kicking myself because I should know better than to research teams like that!

I'm currently looking forward to my next GA meeting on Thursday as I am feeling the need for a refresher session, and to get some determination back.

All the best,

Ryan.

@Nt, Thankyou for your post. You are definitely right.

The past few days have been relatively easy on me, so I'm going to see today as a bit of a wake up call, and hopefully this experience can keep me on the straight and narrow.

I'm feeling a bit down, but I guess through the recovery we're all going to experience days like this, and in the long run these days are probably very beneficial to us, as they gently remind us of the reasons why we cannot go back.

Thanks,

Ryan.

Congrats on not placing that bet I hope that has given you a confidence booster and it shows you are serious about tackling this problem we are all suffering, My first test is tonight i am home alone and have no in the house to stop me from gambling but so far i have not given in to the temptation, I still have 2 hours to go mind until the girlfirend gets home.

Will you be on the chatroom tonight at 8?

S

Hey ryan,

lovely to hear that your staying gamble free, dont ever let us forget the damage this disease does to us, stay active and alert buddy that viper is alway lurking!

Be as kind as you can to yourself you are doing this - everyday we are winning 🙂

stay strong

much love

b

xx