Ryan's Recovery

Well done at avoiding that bet. There are many tests along the way and you're passing them. Stay doing the right thing.

End of Day Nine, Tuesday 24 March 2015.

I'l start today's update by saying that it felt weird typing day nine. That's gone fast.

Thankyou for the positive comments yesterday, it was a toughie, but I've learnt my lesson alright! Main aim now is to avoid looking at the live football scores unless it's a league I am genuinely interested in.

Today was relatively easy. Had a good laugh with a friend from work on the Battlefield game I have referred to in previous posts. I'm fortunate in that sense and hopefully this game will keep on distracting me from any gambling thoughts in the near future.

@Bazza, sorry I haven't ever used the chat room, perhaps it's something I will look into on my days off work. Hope that you are getting by okay.

@Change, there sure are. We are both making progress and this is the key thing. I genuinely find myself feeling that every urge I ignore is making me a stronger person in fighting against is addiction.

The only real urges I experienced today were as soon as I woke up, and just now on the train as the conductor asked me for £2.90 for a single ticket. Usually, I'd have accounted for my travel to work by gambling, so it always seems weird to hand over cash, but this is a gamblers mindset I guess.

I'm just on the train on the way to work now. Will finish at 6am. I've posted this update using my phone, so I may end up reformatting it tomorrow sometime, it always ends up being the case.

Upcoming for me is my 3rd GA session on Thursday, and I need to rearrange my next counselling session for some time next week. I'm looking forward to posting an update tomorrow too, day 10, will have achieved double figures!

Take care and best wishes,

Ryan.

Start of Day 10, Wednesday 25 March 2015

Writing this short update on the bus home from work.

It was a tough night shift. For the first 4 hours all I could think about was the money that I had lost 10 days ago, and how much that amount has actually set me back.
It's nothing that I can't handle, it's just frustrating. Find it important to stress that I haven't had any feelings to chase it back.

Going to catch up on some sleep and then see what tonight brings, as I have the night off work. I'm into double figures, if I can make it through tonight.

Will be sure to check out some of the other cobtributors on this site's recovery diaries tonight, I've been pretty busy, and now I am keen to catch up on other people's journeys.

Best wishes

Ryan.

Double figures brilliant. It is usual to have all these feelings. When I started I was really determined but like you when I was about a week in it hit me about all the money i had lost. When I was continually gambling I always thought I would get it back somehow (yes I was living on cloud cuckoo land!). I saw all these stories of people hitting the jackpot and thought that could be me. Reality hit me really hard and I was pretty down. It was like when I was on a diet and I couldnt have my chocolate. My mood swings were bad. I'm in a much better place now and even though I have debts (huge ones!) I am coping better. A friend of mine is going through a bad time in work - she lost her husband last year and is being bullied at work so I am putting my life in perspective and seeing that life is better for me than her so I need to get a grip.

Well done on day 10. The feelings of lost money and time are tough but it's best to try to draw a line under and just resolve that the current situation is what you have and move forward. Looking back is disastrous... it's similar to the chasing mind thought which is full of what ifs and maybes. You're on the right track though so keep going. Just think ahead and positive.

End of Day 10 / Start of Day 11, Thursday 26 March 2015

@Poblwn and @Change, thankyou for your comments. It sure was a relatively tough night at work, but I've had tonight off, and it's been enjoyable. Day 10 is in the bag, and despite the feelings of regret whilst working, I am telling myself that these are positive in the long run. If I can keep doing regular overtime, which is tough at the moment due to a severe lack of motivation, then perhaps in 3 months I will be back on my feet financially. And then these feelings of regret will be nullified.

It's been incredibly refreshing to read through other people's diaries and read the advice given to them today, it really refreshes our minds that going back is simply not worth it. We have so much to lose out on by relapsing. Without this forum I'd have suffered far greater from urges, so it's helping me keep my life on track in that sense.

I've decided against making a post today detailing my gambling story from beginning to where I am today. Right now I'd rather avoid thinking about how much I've lost over the years. It's been difficult enough dealing with what happened 10 days ago, but hopefully with time, this feeling of regret will deminish, and I'l be able to discuss it willingy once again.

Tonight (Thursday) is my third GA session. That's what I'm thinking about at the moment. Then straight after I'm doing a night shift. It will provide me with a lot of time to think and a lot of time to re-motivate myself into fully beat this addiction. A fortnight of non-gambling is within eyesight now and I'm going to clinch it with both hands. I have to sort my life out.

Take care, and best wishes,

Ryan.

How you doing Ryan? Hope all is well!

Day 16, Tuesday 31 March 2015.

Well, that's the good news right there. Day 16 today. Firstly Change, and other followers of this diary, I'd like to apologise for not posting any updates for the past 5 days or so, I've had a bit of flu and it's really taken away my motivation. It's not a good excuse but I hope to be back to regular updates now.

I didn't have any significant thought about gambling until yesterday, as it was the start of snookers China Open, a proper ranking event that I have enjoyed betting successfully on in recent years. I wanted to sit down and watch it, but I found myself not able to enjoy it because the urges were getting quite uncontrollable. So I've taken myself away from this tournament for the time being. I've made day 16 and I genuinely do not want to break this pattern.

As soon as I saw who was playing in the snooker, my mind started to think in terms of trying to win money. It was a worrying thought, and I just wanted somebody to ring, somebody to talk to, but I switched of the television, game myself good talking to and reminded myself of why I am doing this.

I hope to watch some of the tournament today, so I will see how it goes. I'm off work til Sunday night aswel. Haven't been to town or anything recently, so despite not gambling my life hasn't made any real progress. Hoping to see my cousin on Thursday for another game of snooker with him.

For the past 15 days all that's been on my mind is regret really about my most recent loss. I genuinely thought I had done 87 days and that a big loss wasn't going to happen again. But it has. And I'm still not motivated to work to earn it back. Need to get money off my mind somehow.

That will do for today's post. Felt like I'd best post something, overall it's good news and bad news, if I can keep overcoming these hurdles then there's no reason why I can't go far.

(this message was posted using my phone, apologies if there are any autocorrect typos)

Best wishes

Ryan.

Day 17, Wednesday 1 April 2015

Short but sweet update for today,

Felt a little depressed early on today, but it's eased off a little throughout the day. It's just as I remind myself of what I was like as a person whilst I did my 87 days without a bet last time, and compare my state of mind then with how I am feeling now. I was talking to a lot more people and I took pride in my appearance and wellbeing. I went to town today and couldn't care less what I looked like.

Just been feeling very unmotivated and not in a productive mood whatsoever recently and need to snap out of this habbit pretty quickly. I don't think buying this battlefield game for my playstation has helped as I just aren't talking to anybody now, even though I am not gambling I'm arguably even more of a recluse.

That will do for now. Too many negative thoughts, need to start seeing the positives. I'm 17 days without a bet (funnily enough 17 was my favourite number on roulette... but it never ever came in when I needed it. I've lost fortunes over the years chasing that number.

Take care,

Ryan.

Chin up Ryan. I agree you need to snap out of the negative thoughts and move on with your life. Move outside your comfort zone and try some things you wouldn't normally do - it might give you something else to occupy your thoughts and take it away from the past. Even doing some volunteering for a couple of hours a week can really change lives and also could make you realise the positives in you.

Start of Day 18, Thursday 2 April 2015

Hi NT and Change, thankyou for your posts yesterday. It's very true that throughout this recovery we are going to encounter difficult and uneasy days. Today is day 18 and I am still feeling very strong and determined. I'm thinking differently and experiencing completely different thoughts about gambling than any other time I have attempted to stop, so hope lot there will be a different and more successful outcome this time around.

Today should hopefully be a complete contrast to yesterday. I'm meeting my cousin in literally 5minutes to play some snooker for a few hours, and then tonight is my 4th GA meeting. Keeping myself busy and socialising, let's hope that it will be a good day and the start of many.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

End of Day 19, Friday 3 April 2015

I reccommend not reading this post beyond the 2nd paragraph, because I'm curently feeling the most down I've felt in a long while.

I'm feeling like I'd rather not be on this earth right now, I'm at a very low point. But please, I am most certainly not looking for sympathy or attention. I'm just remeniscing and hopefully; by getting my feelings out in the open, it will help somehow. Pretend this post never happened and maybe tomorrow's post will be a little cheerier.

I've decided to come on here and type an update rather than persist in doing what I find myself doing alot - and that is - wondering where my life has gone wrong and why. It's easy for somebody listening to simply say 'you have your whole life ahead of you' and/or 'you have a good life', except for the fact that I aren't looking for sympathy. I know I've f**cked up massively, since the day I went to University and gambled my way through it. I reached out to my family for support as soon as I knew I had a problem, but they reacted angrilly. This was 2 and a half years ago, and they have constantly refused to accept that gambling is a problem. It makes beating this addiction tougher than it ought to be, not only hiding the fact that I am in debt (when they think I have a lot of money saved up), but also coming up with the constant excuses about money (and my lack of it).

I'm also an incredibly lonely person. Whilst on one hand I'm totally alright with that, I guess I've been screwed over by people I considered good friends in the past. A mixture of a favourability towards gambling combined with the fact that I've never really been much of a social person is resulting in me being the person I am today.. a recovering gambler with incredibly low self confidence, and with having literally nothing to do each day. A waste of space would be a perfect definition.

I'l make no secret of the fact that for the past year or so; as I walk past people in town with crutches, missing legs, or that are wheelchair bound, I wonder why does this happen to good people such as them. They don't deserve that. The low-lifes in society (i.e. me) should be the people suffering. There are many good people in this world that have had a lot of unfair things happen to them, whilst genuinely selfish people who think incredibly low of themselves such as me are somehow able-bodied. It's unfair.

I'm sat at home now, with my part time supermarket job on night shift, somehow making it through each day switching on the playstation and playing Battlefield every day. This isn't a life. This is a cascading whirlpool of depression and there appears to be no way out. It'l be months til I'm stable financially to start looking for another job. And I don't have the motivation to do anything right now anyway, be it talking to new people, or searching for new jobs. I can't afford to be out of work.

Yesterday's GA session was good. It was a good day yesterday, I enjoyed it. But it's rare for that to happen. I want to play snooker more regularly and be more active socially but I honestly don't know anybody. It's so frustrating and so mindnumbingly lonely. So to find myself in my room not talking to anyone for the whole of today is no fun at all. I've had too many of these days. Lonliness is a major part of my life. I know I'm a decent person, I've just never had a chance to prove it. I have a lot of positives but there's zero ways of showing these off. Gambling destroys everything, even when your not gambling.

Some of my extended family are around at my house now and are having drinks with my Gran. Even though today is day 19 I still haven't got the energy to go downstairs and say hello. This is what gambling does. They don't show this in the adverts, do they?

As soon as somebody wins big on gambling for the first time and decides to play with their winnings, there should be a message that pops up that says: 'welcome to an addictive and incredible downward life, full of very few ups and plenty of downs, thankyou for playing on.'

Anyway that will do. Tomorrow needs to be a better day. I hope.

My best wishes to you all.

Ryan.

Ryan, a nice honest post.
Stick with the GA meetings give them a chance to work the magic that can be found within them.
It is early days but a life where you can begin to feel better about yourself & the part you play in others is possible.
Take everything GA has to offer. Is there somebody @ your meeting who could sponsor you & help you work the 12 step program that is @ the core of recovery. The program is designed to work through the way we feel about ourselves to repair that damage & move forward to a better place where we find self fulfilment & peace. Good luck Ryan

Day 21, Sunday 5 April 2015.

Feeling better than Friday now. I'm working tonight and for the next 3 nights.

I'm beginning to get my motivation back and I'm going to start applying for new jobs again soon. As soon as I can get myself back working day shifts that will be half of the problem solved.

Best wishes,

Ryan.

End of Day 21, Sunday 5 April 2015

Relatively decent day today, thankyou to day@atime for your positive post, I'm pleased to say that I've had a couple of better days since I wrote that post.

I'm just on the train now on my way to work. It feels weird, seeing a full moon, and associating it with the time I spent playing a 'full moon rising' slot game. I wasted away a lot of my time, money and life in that slot. So it was a happy sight in a way to see how far I've come since those days.

Even though today is day 21 I feel like gambling is behind me now. I'm keeping myself grounded and feeling different to any other attempts that I've had to stop. It all bodes well and I'm really happy with the progress I've made this weekend.

Right now I'm looking to get these 3 night shifts in a row out of the way end enjoy another 6 days off. I'm beginning to get my motivation back to apply for now jobs, and hopefully will make tracks sometime soon.

Best wishes,

Ryan.