Ryan's Recovery

Start of Day 86, Tuesday 9 June 2015

I've finished night shifts FOREVER ! 🙂

And I'm only working 1 of the next 13 days too! (A day shift this Saturday). I've got plans to play some snooker tomorrow with a cousin, and maybe some other days too hopefully, as well as catching up with an old friend on Friday after my counselling session perhaps, to watch a movie (San Andreas is out, and Jurassic World will be too by then).

I'm trying to plan some sort of activity or journey into every day until I start day shifts at my new store on Monday the 22nd of June, just to keep myself busy and not allow my mind to 'wander'.

Anyhow, in 48 hours I will be venturing into uncharted territory! My previous record of abstainance, set between last November and March, lasted a total of 87 days. So it goes without saying, I'm massively looking forward to smashing and beating my first personal milestone, and finally getting one over on this addiction that's been holding me back for nearly 4 years! I'm feeling upbeat, to say the least, even though I'm currently a bit unwell.

Best wishes to you all, every day of abstainance is the biggest win of our lives.

-Ryan.

Glad things going better Ryan , on your the right track mate, keep winning by not gambling !

Day 87, Wednesday 10 June 2015

Unfortunately me and my cousin couldn't play snooker today but have rescheduled it for tomorrow instead. This has led to me having one of the most boring and dull days in quite some time, it's been my first full day off for quite a long time, and wow, reality has really hit home about just quite how much of a lonely person I am. Nethertheless, I'm feeling a little better (still full of cold), and I'm still going strong with the abstainance!

Thankyou NT for your kind words. Peronally I hadn't done the maths - but you are right! When I start my new job I will have nearly made a century of astainance, what better motivation to keep going?! Congratulations on your most recent fortnight, we both know you have it within you to succeed!!

Thankyou Gav, it's much appreciated, I am definitely on the up, however I'm still experiencing the most lonely and dull days whenever I have time off work. But every day of abstainace is closer to making a better life for myself, so you are right! 🙂 Fantastic to see you going strong too buddy!

Today is day 87. My previous record was 87 completed days, so by the end of tomorrow I will be on a new personal best 🙂

Keep it up!

-Ryan

Hey up Winner, how does it feel to know that every day you wake up from now on, you are breaking a record 🙂

Shot in the dark but any animal sanctuarys or Church groups nearby? Even charity shops & food banks can often do with a bit of ad hoc volunteering! People won't come to you but there are easy ways to meet people & collect smiles if you are willing to step a little bit out of your comfort zone!

Great work on 88 days Ryan 🙂 Keep winning - ODAAT

Day 89, Friday 12 June 2015

Another 2 Days gamble free!

I met my counsellor this morning which I felt was really useful. I was able to put my recent troubles into perspective and understand my surrent situation better. Perhaps I am 'living' my recovery a bit too much, but I guess this is natural, having come off the back of an addiction that controlled my life for a long period of time.

Thankyou for your post @ODAAT, volunteering is something I may seriously consider after my vacation next week, and when I have found my feet in my new job - I have to hope that there are uncertain but exciting times ahead for me, let's see what they bring 🙂 I won't get too excited haha, but I'm secretly delighted to have broken my previous record. Got to see it as a milestone along the way, and add it to the LONG list of reasons not to go back!

I haven't really had any gambling thoughts recently, I played snooker with my cousin for 6 hours yesterday, it was a fantastic day! We tied at 4 frames each. I still need to find more competition so I can play snooker more regularly though, this is where I am struggling.

I also had a driving lesson yesterday, which was my first one for well over a month and a half due to personal circumstances with my instructor. Somehow I have been able to improve massively during my break inbetween - he says I would have passed if that lesson was my actual test, which I was delighted with!

I was able to say to my counsellor today that, despite still being very down and pretty unhappy with my life, I am in a better situation right now today than I ever have been in the past 3 and a half years. I have a few things to look forward to and I am beginning to see a little glimmer of meaning to my life. So that's something to build upon.

Best wishes, see you all soon!

-Ryan

Day 90, Saturday 13 June 2015

90 completed days of abstainance!

Super-late post for today, hope that this still qualifies as Saturday evening!

Well, I worked a day shift today at the supermarket I work for, and it was pretty enjoyable to be honest. I was able to speak to a few members of staff that work on days that I had not ever seen before (better than I thought I was able to), as well as with customers. With it being my last ever shift that store, it was a bit weird and unusual that I probably won't ever see many of my colleagues again. But I am now moving onto a convenience store in a different (and closer to home) location. Let's see what that brings 🙂 I start there a week on Monday.

Tomorrow I have the day off and nothing much planned. Might take a trip to town at some point.

Monday to Friday I am on vacation domesitcally with my family and nephew 🙂

Best wishes to all recovering CG's, their partners, family and friends.

-Ryan

Day 94, Wednesday 17 June 2015

Mid-way into my vacation

Hello GamCare Forum, I've taken some time out during my vacation to make a post to my recovery diary. I guess I'm also making this post right now as I am feeling a little down at this moment in time and needed to be able to express my thoughts and feelings.

The first 2 days of my vacation we're okay-ish, I really enjoyed playing snooker with a family member yesterday morning, it was pretty competitive and definitely will be a highlight of this holiday. I've always kept the depth of my prevous gambling problems hidden from my entire family, partially through not wanting them to find out, but mainly through the fact that I was previously warned that I would be 'kicked out' if I went on to lose any more money. It's ironic therefore, that a family member in the same house as me has dealt with drugs in the past, and currently has a smoking problem as well as an alcohol problem, in addition to being incredibly selfish and a thief. But apparently, none of those things are worse than me sitting in my room and losing my own money.

I live in amongst a weird family situation. No member of my family is ever willing to learn about gambling problems, nor do they accept that it could ever be considered a problem. Despite the many many times I have tried to explain it, I've had no success, so there is no way of me being able to explain that I occasionally feel down and/or experience moments of reflection.

To put it short - I'm currently feeling a bit down as today has been a pretty dull day, in addition to higher than normal levels of belittlement and put downs that have been inflicted upon me. My role in this family is one of being constantly put down and ridiculed despite my current position being a lot stronger than the people doing this to me. Even amongst my extended family, I feel secluded and on my own. I do not react or respond to the constant comments and words of discouragement I receive from certain family members - I just take them on the chin and try to not let them affect me - usually I succeed, it's just when I feel that I'd rather not be in their company that I start questioning why I am making an effort in the first place. I have very little to live for as previously stated, and these sort of things do not really help.

Tonight it is anticipated that we will have a barbeque together (we are staying in a holiday resort based in a domestic forest). I've said very little all day to my family, and anything that I have said has been incredibly scrutinised and ridiculed. They we're shopping earlier (sunglasses shopping for 2 hours, not my cup of tea) and have gone out now to play some golf and have a drink, an activity I currently do not wish to partake in.

It may all seem a bit childish but I am just bored and fed up of their one-up-man-ship company where verbally everybody has to be better than everybody else. If certain people in my family we're not my family members - there is simply no way I would ever walk on the same side of the street as them, let's just say that.

Whilst walking back from the shops in silence about 30 minutes ago I was experiencing suicidal thoughts again, something I thought I had got over, but that's simply not the case. I had my head set on opening up my laptop and googling around for painless suicide methods, but, sensibly or stupidly, I've come online here instead to make this post.

I'm feeling a tiny bit better having done so, but that's not to say I'm feeling positive mentally, I've got a bit of a short fuse at the moment, and whilst I will never shout or raise my voice verbally, I know I can go off inside, something I want to avoid. So I'm staying out of people's way for the time being.

In the past; whenever I felt like I am now, I'd have gambled to escape from my negative emotions and take myself into my own world - but as I am currently abstaining from gambling - I have nowhere to take my emotions out on, and no world to escape to. I've got absolutely nobody to talk to about how I am feeling, or to help put my thoughts into perspective, aside from my counsellor every once in a while. I just have myself, left alone to deal with whatever's in my head. And wow, I can find time to do absolutely nothing. I'l be awake for the next 9 hours doing exactly that.

Well, there's been a lot of rambling on in today's post, but nevertheless, it's out there.

Best wishes to all recovering gamblers, stay strong!

-Ryan

Hey Ryan,

Wow!!! My heart actually skipped a beat in comparison how i recently feel. Deffo relate to more than one thought and know what you mean bein in company but "on your own" at the same time.
Listen, dark thoughts will be here if you let them to be, i know it's easier said than done but every minute counts and you need to keep surfacing through this gloomy day.
it could b worse, a lot worse.
You need to keep fighting for yourself and only yourself, life will be what you will make out of it, as well as lovely surprises round the corner. They do happen 😉

Chin up and well done on your continued journey towards freedom! It will get better, change is on a way, embrace it.

Sandra x

ps. So so pleased you logged on here today. Please keep spitting the poison out, it helps, don't suffer in silence.

Oh Ryan have just read your post, I really feel for you, you are on holiday with your family and feel on another planet, it's not good when we feel like this, but believe me it's part of the recovery process, you are at an amazing 94 days of abstaining, sadly this addiction does not go away, and hits us in different ways, any way to try and lure us back in, it's hitting you with a big negative at this time, not good when you are on holiday.

Push through this as hard as you can, it won't last, tomorrow you will feel totally different, no one understands us, unless they are a CG, with our feelings and moods, they think right they have stopped that's it, but we know different it's not it, it's a lifetime commitment to stay in recovery, and I will tell you what, every day we abstain we are doing great, don't forget that,

You are doing amazing on your gamble free days, be proud, because YOU are doing something unique to you and it is amazing, as Duncs says, be selfish with your recovery, if you don't want to go shopping then don't, it's your hol too, do what you want to do.

consider others, but don't do anything that makes you feel negative, do positive stuff, maybe they will enjoy what you want to do, when you wake up tomorrow in a different frame of mind.

Take care and think of you.

Suzanne xxx

I feel for you pal... stay strong and you know you're the better man in this situation. Don't let them bring you down. It puts my situation into perspective. You're doing great so don't let anyone dampen that. We started this at the same time and you're on day 90 something whilst I'm on day 3! You're an inspiration to me so don't listen to the noise. Stay safe.

Day 95 (and post #95), Thursday 18 June 2015

Nearing the end of my vacation... my suitcase is packed, and I'm all set to check out tomorrow morning!

Firstly, I'm delighted to be able to reflect and see that I've had a much more positive day today. As a family we went to the water park based within this holiday resort (I've heard it said many times that it's impossible to not have fun at a water park, I can confirm I find this statement true!!), and had fun on the slides and on the water rapids. I also played my Dad at snooker this morning and got well and truely humiliated, by 5 frames to 1, but we both had some genuine and real fun in the process, which is all that counts, even for somebody as competitive at sports as me.

Thankyou Sandra, Suzanne, GT and Change for your positive and insipring posts.

@Sandra, It's humbling to witness that as gamblers; we all seem able to relate to certain aspects of what each of us is going through, be it a mood swing, or a tough day at the office, sometimes caused by a small trigger or a small inconvenience in our lives. For me personally in the past, whenever I felt inconvenienced I would take myself away into my own little gambling bubble, and take out my frustrations on the table, so to speak. Winning (as rare as it was) would create a false sense of satisfaction and would make everything seem as though it was 'temporarily' alright. Losing, on the other hand, would seem like it wasn't my fault, as I would genuinely believe that somebody else was responsible for triggering my gambling, and would therefore be the reason for that particular loss. So, either way, I would be right, and win or lose, I would gain a sense of self satisfaction, and the initial minor inconvenience would have been almost completely forgotten about. Stay strong Sandra. We both know you have it in you to show this addiction who's boss.

@Suzanne, I'm happy to say you we're right, today was a completely new day, and a better one at that. Thankyou for your post. I can agree with you on every day of abstainance being something 'great' too. Just typing the number of days I have abstained before I make a post to my diary sometimes gives me a really good sense of self-satisfaction in my recovery, and I genuinely have clenched my fist and done a mini fist pump to myself in recognition of the progress I have made. Take care and have a great weekend.

@GT, I couldn't agree more with the up's and down's you refer to in our recovery journey's, if you'd have told me if would be like this at the start.. I wouldn't have believed you, my initial idea of recovery was plain sailing all the way, but that's simply not the case. You learn along the way, just as I have yesterday, that if you really want this recovery, you have to make it through the occasional down, to be able to truely appreciate the positive moments in this journey. Great post. Onwards and upwards for us both! 🙂

@Change, In the past my weak mind would have gotten the better of me and I could easilly have used moments such as yesterday as an excuse to place a bet. But as is often eluded to in these recovery diaries.. staying strong is what keeps our recoveries going. For me personally, the constant voice in the back of my mind telling me that going back will not make my life any better is carrying me forwards right now. I've got a vague mindset of where I want to be in 6 months time, 1 years time, and even further ahead. This helps me understand that the only way I can truely make any sort of progress with my life is through continued abstainance. But whatever day we are currently on, be it day 4000, day 40, or day 4, we've all made a unified commitment and are showing a determined willingness to stop gambling. We're all in the same boat. Nobody is better than anybody. Stay strong buddy, and keep racking up those days!

Tomorrow morning I will be checking out with my family at 10:00am, before returning home late tomorrow afternoon. We're going out tomorrow night as a family for dinner, before I see my Gran at the weekend, and start my new job on Monday at 3pm. That's a pretty busy schedule in my eyes, and I'm looking forward to the new challenge that working day shifts will bring, as well as meeting and communicating with new people (I'l just have to put on a brave face and hope they don't realise I'm shy).

Onwards and upwards!

-Ryan

Day 96, Friday 19 June 2015

Short and snappy update

Hi Gamcare Forum, I've had a pretty good day, this morning I fed the ducks and played adventure golf with my 1 year old nephew before we left the holiday resort. A few hours ago I went out for dinner with my parents.

Having been in somewhat of a 'holiday mode' for the past 4 or 5 days or so, I've felt incredibly bored for the past 3 hours since returning home. Right now, I'm really hoping that this isn't a sign of the days and weeks to come. I've messaged my cousin to see if he feels up for playing some snooker sometime soon, I was lead to believe we would both be playing very frequently over summer, but it's looking more like a once every fortnight kind of thing, if I'm lucky.

Any how, I'l be taking a trip into town tomorrow, just for a couple of hours or so, and then will be preparing a couple of fathers day gifts for my Father to open on Sunday morning.

Happy Fathers Day to all Dad's on this Forum 🙂

Stay strong!

-Ryan

Hey Ryan, loved the description of the bubble @ #95 & how when gambling we can even manage turn our losses into one upmanship, I completely relate to that!

Sorry to hear the holiday blues have set in, I hope your cousin messages you back soon! I don't suppose there's any scope to have your Father kick your r*e again now you are back home? Sounds to me like he knows his way round the table & maybe suggesting that he shows you a few shots would give you added opportunity to brush off the cobwebs?

Congratulations on 96 winning days & if I drank, I would raise a glass to millions more - ODAAT

@ODAAT, Thanks for that great post!

I think I was able to explain it like that, as recently I have had quite a bit of time to reflect on the driving forces that led me to place my first bet following periods of abstaince in the past. It really seems like we are able to enter into some sort of 'blaming anybody but ourselves' culture, in order to justify our loses and take the guilt and blame away from ourselves. At the time, we'd never admit this to ourself, but after a while of abstainance, it's clear that we used to find any old excuse to return to our gambling ways. And it's not as if we're completely cured now. We always have to keep our wits about us, and not allow these excuses to get the better of us! The dog never ate our homework, and nor is it the milkmans fault that we put a bet on.

My Dad is quite a busy person and works away quite often, but that's not stopping me already trying to convince him into a rematch sometime, I'd definitely like to go more often with him and get out of the house more frequently. I think you are right though, and I'l push on with my nagging I think, especially as I think he enjoyed getting one over on me 🙂

I'm a non drinker too, so I'l raise a glass of fresh orange or a bottle of water and say congrats on reaching day 321, and many, many more!

-Ryan

Day 98, Sunday 21 June 2015

Happy Fathers Day!

Just checking in for today, I'm not feeling too bad at the moment.

I'm talking to a new girl I've been introduced to, and feeling a connection, it's extremely rare I meet anybody that shares similar interests or views as myself, and to be speaking to somebody that shares a few of my interests makes a nice change. My gambling life has taught me to never get ahead of myself, just take it 1 step at a time and see what may come.

On a seperate note, it's the first day of my new job tomorrow. I'm working 3pm til 11pm. So I'm nervous but excited at what this new job may bring. It's working for the same supermarket, but in one of their convenience stores, and on days rather than nights. So I'm expecting a totally new challenge, and of course, more social opportunities than before.

I was able to purchase fathers day gifts for my Dad without worrying about finances too much for the first time in many years. It's a welcome change and something I certainly want more of in the future! These moments remind us why we have stopped in the first place. I'm also hoping to play my Dad at snooker on Saturday next week before I go to work, so there's quite a lot going for me right now.. for the moment it would be acceptable to say my quality of life is already improving having finished working night shifts.

Best wishes to you all. Onwards and upwards!

-Ryan