Ryan's Recovery

Thanks for coming back to the forum Ryan... we need you back. Lots of good ideas in that last post to put in place some more barriers. We've got to find other ways to have fun as we can't have fun with gambling... it just goes out of control really really quick. You can do it though... as you've done it all before!

Day Three, Wednesday 26th August 2015.

That's day 2 over and done with, and now into the first hour of day 3!

It's such a tough time at the moment.. I really feel as though I am torn between two worlds, I'm sat here at home incredibly bored and with nothing to do, with hundreds of betting sites just a few clicks away. But at the same time, I've been reading other people's diaries (Never Again and Bob), seeing the parralels between their stories and mine, and it really puts it into perspective about just why we are abstaining in the first place. Even though it's admittedly a more dull life when abstaining, in the long-run, it's a better and much less stressful life.

I cancelled my contract with Sainsburys Mobile today as I cannot get any network coverage with them. However they have charged me roughly £25 for the priviledge, which is over 4 hours work for me after tax, which is frustrating to say the least. o2 are messing me about too since I've joined them, and I just want to take my mind away from my recent stresses, but with no gambling available, there's no real way of 'escapism' for me to turn to.

So tonight I guess I will be awake til roughly 4am. I've just got home from work about an hour ago. I'l be having some dinner, going to play the playstation a little, but this is a dull existence, to say the least. I still maintain the fact that I am missing a huge element of 'fun' in my life, in addition to any sort of social interaction outside of work.

I'm working the next 4 days, so with a bit of luck, this period of abstainance should rise, but the urges are biting away. I've got so many people to let down, fellow forum members (Change, thankyou for your post, it really means alot - we both can do this), family members, work colleagues, my counsellor, and ultimately myself. My whole attitude and the way I speak and act changes considerably if I suffer a loss at the hands of gambling. I really can't afford to let myself slip back into these bad habbits once again.

One company still owes me £100 from my most recent relapse, and it looks like it's going to be a while til I get that back. I just want the whole thing over and done with really and I want to get my finances sorted out asap.

That's enough rambling for today.

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Hello buddy, you have to ask yourself what is the difference between immersing yourself in the betting & killing some Zombies or whatever it is you kids do these days? How is one a dull existence & the other flashing lights? The consequences of losing an imaginary game of football are so minimal compared to the destruction that gambling causes they are not even on the same plane! This is a mindset that needs work in order to fight this!

EE have just charged me nearly £40 for the privilege of leaving them after 5 separate attempts (goodness knows how many hours on the phone to a call centre in a swimming pool in India) & 5 separate assurances, over more than as many weeks, that my broadband most definately is fixed this time! Plus an email to the complaints department & not 1 call back from any of the attempts (despite assurances that I would be spoken to) then lo, 6 missed calls yesterday & 4 today from a billing team "just ringing to see what we can do for you with your bills as a thank you for being a valued customer"!?! "Err nothing, I left you an hour before you tried calling me...buuuuurrrrrr (me not them)!"

Wanna know the really sad thing...I switched to Virgin lured in by the extortionate price plans for their promises of gold plated broadband & it only works in 1 room of the house?!? It's not guaranteed over 10 metres or through walls or doors but I can buy a booster for £47 that will most definately help! It's the false promises of Mr Gamble all over again & I fell for them 🙁 There are frustrations like this everywhere & I'm not entirely sure us little people can do anything about them but suck them up & be grateful for the few times we can get a signal, which co-incidentally I can now on the Underground 🙂

Don't give in to the urges Ryan, they are bull & they hurt! Only you can make the changes you need to in your life & you may be afraid but you can do it - ODAAT

Hi Ryan... hope you're doing well... I look out for your posts every day. They really help me along. I'm struggling so much right now. It's eating away at me. I don't know if I need a break from the forum to just hair down and not consider gambling at all... log on in the future and see I'm at 77 days or something. Anyhows hope all is well!

Day Three, Sunday 30th August 2015.

Short little update. I had a slip on Thursday evening, but I've gone 2 whole days without a bet now, despite some pretty strong urges on Friday night. I'm going to catch up on some sleep now, and I am working tonight (Sunday) too as well as the next 4 nights.

I feel as though I am coming down with something at the moment, hopefully it won't be anything too big as I am content with my working routine at the moment as well as being content with my recovery.

I'm heading to sleep now. Let's see what Sunday can bring.

Best wishes to you all. I will get around to reading your recovery diaries too soon 🙂

-Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Good to see you posting and hope you had a good sleep to help you tackle your day ahead.
Well done for standing back up and trying recovery once again. We are all different in our journeys but we are all heading to the same direction..and you know what - we will get there if we set our minds and hearts to it!!.

Keep that belief intact dear friend and never give up on giving up!

Be kind to yourself and keep taking one day at a time
Sandra x

Day Five, Tuesday 1st Sepetmber 2015.

This is the longest I've gone without a bet for almost a month now. Thankyou Sandra for your post, I agree, during the early days it is definitely a case of taking 1 day at a time. The early days, and the first couple of weeks or so are when the urges are at their peak. I am sure you would agree, controlling them early on is the key to getting the ball rolling!

I had a post prepared for today but unfortunately my browser refreshed and I lost the content. To put it simply, the problem I've had for a long time now is that I struggle to perceive any activity other than gambling to be 'entertaining' or 'engaging' enough. I have very little interests, and do not socialise whatsoever outside of work, it's exceptionally rare that I do anything other than be by myself in my room with my playstation and laptop, or sometimes spend time with my nephew and my family. Recently I've been working a lot and only had a few hours each day to myself, which I've spent on the playstation mainly.

I just don't seem to have made any progress with my life for many years now. I know that stopping gambling is helping to change things, but I just don't have a 6 month plan, a 1 year plan, 5 year plan, or anything at all in terms of hopes and aspirations. Losing thousands of pounds on more occasions than I care to remember has quite honestly defeated any aspirational thoughts that pop into my head, I feel like I live life with a defeatest attitude sometimes. I do try exceptionally hard at work to give a positive influence, but my efforts are never seen, nor commented upon, leading to me living entire days when I just feel as though I am going through the motions in life, not knowing my place or what I want to achieve. I turned 22 years of age just a couple of weeks ago, and I do often worry that I am wasting away the best years of my life.

It's all too easy to blame these things on my past gambling habits, and even though it's certainly a big root of the problem, I do need to find some sort of motivation from somewhere, maybe move on in my career, by applying for jobs based around my degree, but something somewhere needs to change.

I wish you all the best of luck with your recovery journeys. Onwards and Upwards!

Best wishes,

Ryan.

End of Day Five, Tuesday 1st Sepetmber 2015.

Today is the end of 5 complete days of abstainance.

I'm not entiely sure how I've done it, but I just know that it's for the best that I stay away.

I am banned from all the casino's in my local area, and all that's playing on my mind is to travel 30-40miles and visit one that I aren't banned from, for a whole night, and then get the first train back in the morning or something, as I do not drive. I think it's because I miss any sort of thrill, socialising and excitement in my life, that they used to give me.

I'm keeping the temptations at bay, right now I need to stay focussed and keep taking every day 1 day at a time.

Best wishes,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan... I you thought about other hobbies, activities, volunteering, careers, etc etc that could give you a thrill or buzz?

Playing snooker in a league gives me a buzz as it's really competitive. I just walked into a local old mans social club one day and signed up.

Day Six, Wednesday 2nd Sepetmber 2015.

Firstly, thankyou Change and GT for your posts, they are really helping me stay focussed, thankyou.

It's been another day of only thinking about visiting a casino, however, I'm still on a roll with my abstainance, and currently on my break at work, prior to finishing at 11pm.

I've signed up for quite a bit of overtime for the next 2 weeks, which I am hoping will keep me busy and stop me from acting upon any urges.

That's all for now 🙂

Good night and best wishes,

-Ryan

Hi Ryan

Good to see you in such a positive frame of mind, now is the time to strengthen your resolve by keeping one step ahead, the addiction hates that.

Well done you.

Suzanne xxx

Hope works going / gone well. Just keep going Ryan. Stay positive and keep doing the right thing and good things will come to you. I am absolutely sure of it. You are a good guy... I can tell them from your posts. Your hearts in the right place and you have a great manner about you. Try to think of a long term goal and something you can aspire to whether it be work, personal life, a hobby, a skill, an object to own, a holiday, a place to visit... something to give you that little bit more focus and I'm sure you'll get there.

Day Seven, Thursday 3rd Sepetmber 2015.

Battling the urges today. It's my first day off work in 12 days, and I'm at home wandering what to do with myself for the rest of today. For the past 2 hours I've been contemplating whether or not to take some cash out of the bank, leave my card at work, and get a 1hr train to the nearest casino I'm not banned from. It's been driving me crazy, but right now I'm in a position where I feel as though I am going to stay at home instead. It's incredibly frustrating, it's almost as though I'm not entitled to have fun in my life any more. The memories of social interaction through playing live poker are coming back to me, and they are quite difficult to push away. But it's very far away and quite honestly is not worth the traveling, especially considering I am a fussy easter and probably would end up going hungry too, as there would be nothing I liked for dinner nearby 😛

This is difficult and so testing.

Thankyou Change, I am trying my absolute best to keep on making the right decisions, and to keep these feelings at bay.

Suzanne, thankyou, I am in a somewhat positive frame of mind, I just need to stay strong and keep saying no, even though my life is currently going nowhere, gambling isn't the answer I am looking for. That's got to be the message I need to get through to myself!

-Ryan

Sorry for coming back to you a little late. Hope you're coping ok. Keep doing the right thing. Day 7 is so much better than Day 0 and you know this.

Day Zero.

Whatever the date today is.

I haven't gone to sleep yet. Been chasing losses all night. I knew this day was coming. I'm just so frustrated with everything atm. Saw gambling as a way of escapism. Sat here at my laptop now, having just lost £2,197 chasing losses on online roulette, that's more than my last 2 months wages combined. I haven't used every penny, but I've used almost all of my money, not sure how to feel atm but I need to use this to hopefully put me in a better place for my next journey towards recovery.

For the past 2 months I've been working 6 and 7 days a week to try and take my mind away from gambling. But I've done nothing but work, no socialising, no improving of my own life, and ultimately, with no sense of where I am heading and no sense of 'fun' or 'excitement' in my life, I turned back to gambling about a month ago to try and regain some fun. I know it was a bad decision. I've gone 6 or 7 days without inbetween, but it's far too easy to open up a laptop and burn through your bank account when your by yourself, feeling lonely, and have a bit of spare time

The fact that my last 2-3 months of intense work have all just gone down the drain makes me feel quite uneasy, to say the least, but right now I am trying to keep my head positive. I have to make changes, but I don't know where to start. My head is a bit of a mess. I need to sleep on it. Doubt I will feel like getting myself out of bed in the morning, but we have to keep going.

I just don't know where my life is headed. I need to sleep now. I am working the next 5 days. haven't got a clue what to do. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Here's what I think - this addiction is a curse. It's an illness. We can never get rid of it. All we can do as compulsive gamblers is use our past experiences to never allow ourselves to be tempted back.

I knew this day was coming. That's the thing.

Best wishes to you all and thankyou very much for your continued support. Many of you contribute to my recovery diary and I do not deserve your unbelievable support and incredible thought toward my journey.

Have a good Saturday.

-Ryan