Setting Myself Free

Hi Tony

Don't be defined by your relapses. Use them as fuel for the future. Every day you don't gamble from here on in is a day richer financially and personally.

Take care.

Matt

Thank-you from the bottom of my heart caughtup, Matt & Bryan. I don’t have data currently so I’ve only just managed to read your replies after finishing work for the weekend. Taking them in and reading your words of encouragement brought a tear to my eye. I won’t lie this morning was tough, my mind was filled with negative thoughts and regrets. I’ve felt like this multiple times over the last few years and it’s always after a big loss. You’d think we would learn surely? As mentioned I can’t let my relapses define me. These experiences can make me stronger. What’s done is done but I can control the future and the sun is shining. If only my head wasn’t a mess, that’s even worse than the money thrown away.

It’s like carrying a large weight on your shoulders all day, a big backpack full of regret, self loathing and misery.

I can’t forget what this feels like this time around! I know the feeling will fade but it’s my duty to remind myself whenever it does so.

You’re right ineffable, I’ve been here before and I’m here again because of my actions and my actions only. I’m under no illusions, I am addicted to gambling and have been for what feels like a very very long time, something has got to give. The only positive is I managed to get my head above the water during my recent relapse/binge before I inevitably crashed and burned yet again. This means I have 40 odd days to try and address my remaining debts. It’s my birthday soon, hopefully I’ll be able to see a bit clearer come early May.

Also a quick note to say I’m led to believe I gamble to fill a void in my life. I take the lazy degen route of spending hours transfixed to my phone instead of opting for more productive uses of my time.

I need to buy a new basketball and go shoot some hoops to blow of steam when feeling bored. I need to reconnect with my friends more and start being myself again. I need to read, listen to podcasts, watch films/series, play my console, cook, excercise, meditate, sleep or do anything other than betting to fill my spare time.

Tony use this last slip as part of the school of hard knocks . I know it’s not much consolation but anytime people slip , come back and write about it , it helps other people . I mean that without sounding patronising or making light of anyone’s problems . It simply reminds us what can happen if we take our eye off the ball and it can creep up on us so quickly with devastating effects . Thankfully for you, you have not gone as far as you probably could . I think getting that basketball is a great idea , you do need to change your routines and habits otherwise you are just still that gambler who isn’t currently gambling . I always look out for your posts and I so want you to succeed . You have so much to offer this site in terms of helping people , you just need to help yourself first and everything else will fall into place .

Thank-you Bryan you’re a great guy with a soul of the top shelf.

I am my own worse enemy, I can give advice but can’t seem to absorb and act upon my own. I’ve got over the very first hurdle of drowning in my own self pity and it’s time to live again. If I work hard and don’t gamble everything will take care of itself gradually. I hope I can honour all the advice and helping hands you and a few others have reached out to provide, to succeed in this would be very gratifying. I know this now, I want this, I can’t let these feelings fade.

I’m just so pleased you have come back it is so easy to get back on it and self destruct even more . You just need to do things differently as I don’t think your blocks were strong enough last time . Don’t beat yourself up over it I had been trying to stop for years . I don’t think many active gamblers if they are honest want to carry on and would probably stop if they could . Ask yourself again what has gambling given you ? What will it continue to give you if you keep carrying on ? Final words on that is that it’s a marathon not a sprint . Have a plan tomorrow and stick to it . You know what you need to do you are a clever guy

Also disappointing when I realise how many times I’ve contradicted myself in this thread but I guess that is the addiction. I said at the very beginning that I didn’t want to waste another moment and I’ve wasted many, I said I wouldn’t lend more and I did as soon as I cleared my existing loans, said I wanted to watch the playoffs without betting and didn’t. This addiction is a full blown mess, it sabotages my character and makes me like a feeble weak willed individual who is detached and unenthusiastic.

I wrote that last post before getting the chance to read your most recent one Bryan, more words of wisdom and you are right so thanks again and I’m sure we will speak soon, wishing you a great weekend amigo.

Lasting points of the night - More blocks, put the stick away and fill void.

It’s just a case of boxing clever . Don’t beat yourself up , we are all human . Learn to let go . Try and not psycho analyse yourself too much . Does it matter why we gamble and when we gamble ? Not if you make a pledge to yourself to stop . It’s yesterdays news. Focus on a plan and learn from what went wrong last time . Reckon I can say with confidence you had time , money and opportunity . It’s that simple . Make sure you take one of those out of the equation each day and you will be good . Keep posting I’m eager to see how you are getting on .

Letting go is the biggest struggle for me it seems Bryan, I don’t enjoy gambling anymore and I’ve recognised I’m addicted and not in control. I’ve put blocks in place and will continue to put more up until it’s not possible for me to gamble as I’m sure there will be times where my resolve fades, I know this from experience. I watched a playoff game last night and although I had betting thoughts I didn’t act upon them and enjoyed the game. Indiana Pacers won by 2pts and betting on something like that probably would have taken a year of my life by battering my heart rate. The game was essentially a coin flip and the odds reflected that, when it is supposed to be a more one sided game the odds obvs reflect that too. Rarely do these huge multi million pound companies make a mistake which mugs like us can capialise on so we essientially rely on luck, what do we do when our luck runs out? Feel sorry for ourselves for a while then try it all over again, well not me anymore I’m done. The stress is something I reallllllyyy want to live without. Gambling has reduced me to tears and I’m not overly emotional, it can make my d*ck crawl back into my stomach ffs, why do I want anything to do with that crud? My first goal is to reach my 23rd b-day gamble free and in a somewhat okay position mentally with a few pennies in my back pocket. I know people preach ODAAT but different things work for different people. I’ve said before and I’ve said it again I’m determined to leave this as a bad patch in my early adulthood, it can be a valuable experience and I can be stronger for it. I’ve shown myself I can earn and save when forced to meet repayment dates, my priority should be clearing my debts and start enjoying my own money, using it on myself and people that I care about. This will be so much more rewarding than flushing it away into the sewer that is the gambling industry.

I do find myself making this more complicated than it needs to be. I can over think and obsess over events which are already said and done. I’ve got to try and change my thought patterns, the answer is simple and I know what I’ve go to do.

Overthinking it could be your downfall in the end . Simplify it . It’s a simple financial transaction that each time digs you into a hole . You get back out of it then put yourself back in it again . As long as you learn from your last slip up then it’s progress . Just don’t beat yourself up anymore than you already have

Yeah I do feel a lot better today, I’m batting away the thoughts of what I could be spending the hundreds of pounds I squandered on. I wasted it on the gambling experience again and that is my fault. I have a fair few material things that I desire but I will have to wait for now, that is the way it will have to be. I just had a shower and a shave and looked at myself in the mirror. The reflection I see is one of a young man who has been bashed around a bit lately but I’m still standing, I can rise above this.

Day 3, I won’t gamble today.

“Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money for you to be happy your search for happiness will never end.” - Robert Nesta Marley

How are you doing progress?

Sammy