Setting Myself Free

I’ve let myself down, I gambled and it was horrible.

Sigh, back to day 1.

I’ve thrown away hundreds again over this weekend and why? I now won’t be able to meet certain repayment deadlines and will probably have to shamefully ask my parents for a few hundred to cover debts which I had covered myself before I damaged myself again. Arghhh I’ve been stuck in this cycle for so long, I hate this.

Hi Progress,

It sounds like it is time to cosinder limit your access to money. As much as having a gambling problem is a complex issue, sometimes there are also fairly simple answers - you keep finding yourself in this cycle of gambling because you can gamble. I am not sure if anyone around you knows about your gambling, but it sounds it would be helpful for you to talk to someone and ask them to hold your cards/money for you for a period of time, and see how that will help you break the cycle.

Please feel free to call the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here if you need a chat and some one-to-one support.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

What do you mainly gamble on? Is it sports betting? I went on a cold streak this weekend and lost 1200 pounds. Makes me sick.

Thanks ineffable and admin, very helpful responses.

Like you say I do need to be kinder to myself, sometimes it can be about the story we tell ourselves. I need to give myself the gift of not gambling every day, if I do then I’ll protect myself from the consequences of my self destructive behaviour. In hindsight throwing away all the ‘progress’ I had made was very bad decision, one which I’ve got to make sure isn’t possible to make again this time.

What’s silly is that I got drunk on Friday night and lost some money. I stupidly thought I could make this back betting so then spent the remainder of the weekend lost in that stupid world of antipation, rushes and chemical overloads. I dont engage with anyone, I don’t talk to my friends of family, I do nothing but gamble over and over until I feel empty and numb. This has no limits for us addicts, I’ve got to keep it out for good this time, I can’t keep doing this to myself.

Mikk740 wrote:

What do you mainly gamble on? Is it sports betting? I went on a cold streak this weekend and lost 1200 pounds. Makes me sick.

Yes I’ve only ever solely betted on sports and in my early days used to look down on slots, horse and even casino punters. I used to think I was somewhat better than these ‘degenerate’ gamblers. I’ve come to realise I’m not and I am a compulsive gambler who is addicted and has spent thousands on the experience. I’ve had enough now though, the experience is played out and isn’t even worth paying for anymore. I know now that I won’t make any money from gamble. What I’ve lost is gone and I must move forward gamble free if I want any chance of a clear and somewhat happy mindstate.

So I’ve just scrolled back through my banking history and calculated I’ve lost around about £750 since the new year to various online gambling sites. Lifetime I’m down what must be around 5 figures by now and I have debts which total around about 1.2k. I have 2 payday loans which are due on the 20th. I’m barely going to be able to scrape the money together for one which is £450 so will need to liase with the other lendor for the smaller amount in regards to repayment, fingers crossed they co-operate with me and I can get on the right track somewhat. I’ve already accepted that life won’t be full of luxuries for a while. It’s the uncertainty around what will happen when I fail to make ends meet that is killing me. I’m not at work today because a delivery hasn’t arrived and it’s up in the air as to when it will. Hopefully I can come back here at the end of the week with at least a few hundred in my bank account and a clear plan set out as to how I’m going to get on top of this mess I’m in. I’ve reached a stage where I’m no longer angry about what I’ve done to myself, I only want to fix this and get on with my life gamble free, for good.

I owe two payday lendors, one for 448 and another for 387. I also need to contact moorcraft who sent me letter as they have brought my contract debt which is 220. The deadlines for all these are pretty much the 20th of April and I’ll struggle to get the 448 together. I’ll need to sell a few possessions and live on soup for a while. But then I’ll only have two outstanding debts and a bit of credit which I can pay of gradually. Things aren’t THAT deep at the moment but they soon will get very dark if I don’t open my eyes and keep them open. My last betting session I used hundreds of pounds of credit, that is shameful. That is a sign this has gone way to far and I can’t go back now. I must give 100% this time, everyday.

No excuses.

Found out work will resume for me tomorrow which is a plus that I must appreciate. That’s another 180 quid coming in which I can put towards these nasty payday loans.

+ I’m not going to lend anymore ineffable, I see the errors in my ways. Previous I’ve wasted thousands of my own money gambling but now I’m at the point where I’ve borrowed and bet with money I now need to repay. I’ve allowed myself to be weak, there are times where I’m vulnerable and I crumble. But I’m going to put up stronger barriers this time, I won’t slip up again, I can’t afford too. If I can stick this I can be one month GF on my 23rd birthday, that’s something to strive for.

Day 3 GF and already starting to feel a lot better than a did at my recent low. I must not forget that low or the many other ones for the time being though. I’ve managed to sort my contract debt into a 50 pound monthly repayment starting on the 1st. That’s one debt off my mind for now but I’m unsure at this point whether I should settle a full amount with one payday lender and start a payment plan with the other or just to default on both and start a repayment plan with both which will be manageable and leave me funds to live on. I’m probably going to seek financial advice over the next few days to explore which options are available to me. My credit score is likely to be trashed by now anyway and I’m not really sure if two defaults is that much worse than one. I’m also not interested in lending anything else right now. I’m clearly naive though so will like I said, seek advice.

Hi Tony

I am sorry to hear about the relapse but don't beat yourself up, put the stick away. What's done is done mate. A new day one and now hopefully armed with more determination. If you never answer the call for another bet you will never lose, try and remember that. There is no quick fix and this is a permanent battle.

Hope you can move forward now and get to where you want to be and become who you want to be. Fulfill some of your potential mate and life will be for living.

Good luck.

Matt

Hi Tony,
Came across this forum post just now and most of what you've said really resonates with me. I just relapsed today, after 4 days GF. 4 days doesn't sound like much, but to me it felt like a lifetime. I've been gambling everyday for the last 4 years, and it's only till recently I've looked up and seen the dark road I've been walking down.
I hope you're keeping doing well and life is looking brighter 🙂

Jeremiah

Hello Guys, firstly I’d like to apologise for my inactivity and secondly I’d like to apologise as I’ve let you all down. I’m sure you can already guess but I’ve been gambling pretty hard for about a week or so now. Reading your posts and realising a few of you are concerned enough to check in fills me with guilt. To cut a long story short I ‘won’ quite a bit initially and used this to clear my payday loan repayments. But then at the point of being debt free I decided to take out another one for £600 and have betted away £400 of that in one night on premier league darts and the NBA playoffs. Sooooo here I am again and I’ve reminded myself that things can spiral downwards very quickly. In the past I’d still be chasing and borrowing until I had nothing left, at least now I’ve stopped before I’m broke. But anyway I’ve just cancelled my debit card, this way I won’t be able to gamble for now.

I’ll pop in soon, not logging in for a while is always costly.

Welcome back don’t give up giving up . It’s progress for you that you are back here rather than carrying on . Once you admit to yourself you have a problem , you can’t gamble without remorse anymore . There will be support here for you and I’m pleased that this time you have posted . It’s not an easy thing to do so kudos to you . Look forward not back . You are a valued contributior here so keep that in mind , keep posting !