Hi , I've been on this web site for a good few years some diaries have come and gone, a bit like my finances.
I've been a compulsive gamber for around 20 years, not going to go into details, but like most of us, it started small and progressed. (Im 36)
The past 3-4 years have been horrendous, a pretty much loveless marriage, 2 young kids 1 yr old and 3 yr old, and now debt!
I didnt adjust to fatherhood particulary well, worried myself sick about it and responsibility it brings, which in turn led me to gambling and drinking in excessive quantities.
I calcuated last year I'd blown around 18k on gambling, mainly from my earnings but also around 6-7 grand of hard earned savings.
I used savings to get me out of a few sticky situations and even had to borrow money from my Dad.
I did stop for around 4-5 months and things were good, but for some reason I decided to get back into online slots again, turning my first deposit into a tidy profit and the rest is history as they say.
I've blown around 5k the past 6 weeks or so, and find myself nearly 2k in debt, with not a penny of savings left.
Our joint account is maxed out and im sure my wifes wondering why I dont clear it.
The past few days I've felt suicidal, anxious depressed sick, dry retching and scared.
I cant keep putting myself and my familly through this mess, relaspe after relaspe.
I've already started seeing a counsellor again, but im almost scared to go back to him as i keep ***** up. (but i will go back).
I just want some advice guys I know theres no magic solution but I need to stop as mentally and financially I cant take anymore. Its brought me nothing but pain and misery even winning is losing.
I've come up with some steps.
1) Change visa debit card (I've memorised by old number, so Im going to report old card lost and get new card which i'll not memorise that 16 digit number.
2) Speak to some familly. Currently my counsellor is the only person that knows about this. I am quite close to my brother so I need to speak to him. (My wife doesnt know though I know i need to tell her)
3) K9 on iphone and ipad, I've already installed the software and my counsellor is going to set up passcode at our next session.
4) Find something stimulating to do without gambling, Im quite a sporty person so shouldnt have a problem with that.
5)Pay back my debt and then cancel my OD once paid back so I cant go into the red again.
6) Start living life again! without having the constant feeling of dread and fear which gambling / drinking has done.
7) Sort my drinking out, I only gamble when drinking and my drinking s as bad as my gambling, time to get back to AA.
My debt is not huge but i've never gone OD b4 without savings to back me up, so Im at the crossroads, I cant afford to take another hit.
Thanks for reading my post, and I'd appreciate any help / advice.
Lastly I promise i'll sign into here everyday and keep this diary going.
Gavin (Last gamble 25/08/14)
Your posts and goals mirror mine Gav.
You know what needs to be done, putting blocks in place, starting new hobbies, anything will be better than the misery that gambling brings.
I'm gonna change my debit card and scratch off the cv2 number without looking at it, done this before, extreme measures,anything to keep away from gambling.
All the best, every day life will get better, that's a cert.
Thanks for posting Trigger, read you diary and its a mirror of mine, , we both agree that gambling ruins lifes so lets do something about it before it ruins ours.
Keep posting and sharing, day at a time and all that.
Gavin.
like your list of action gav
positive stuff
notice you mention AA for your drinking but not GA for your gambling? Something to consider?
Tri
Hi Triangle Yes I 've never been to GA before, theres AA locally where I live but no GA , i thinks theres one 20 odd miles away, I know a few people who attend AA locally and GA as well , so will speak to them when im at my next meeting. I live outside Belfast in a seaside town.
I m very determined to beat this , I read Sabrinas post which was very moving, an inspiration to all who want to beat this illness.
Onwards and upwards.
Sorry Sabine's diary
How's your day been Gav? These first initial days are always challenging.
I'm off work until Friday, rubbish weather I've found the day tough, trying to avoid watching the racing and cricket, both my weakness 's.
I keep reminiscing over past losses, plenty of them! And all the s**t gambling has caused, in my case it's been more about the buzz than the money, trouble being the higher the stakes the bigger the buzz.
I had thoughts of trying to open a new betting account earlier, my first urge since Friday, luckily I'm excluded from every bookie on the planet, crazy how these thoughts can still enter your head when you know they always end in disaster.
Day at a time, we will get stronger, debts will reduce and we will feel more at peace with the world.
No stress today, hope you your head is clearing as well.
Keep posting.
I've done ok thanks no thoughts of gambling , like u just been going over the amounts I've lost and the hardship of having to pay it back makes me sick ! Weather was actually nice where I am for a change , just got the kids to sleep , had good wee evening with them , wife at work which is normally always time for booze and gambling but not tonight , just going to watch football and chill ! Pay day tomorrow not that I can spend much of it! I've no more chances just like I've no more savings , long journey ahead but one of hope ! Lots of good people on here , we need to make the most of it , day at a time ! Take care
Hi gav
Well done
Keep going stay positive one day at a time
Take care and stay safe
Suzanne xx
Hi, So 2 days gamble free, and feeling ok, busy in work, have attempted to organise some sport for next week, going to lift some cash at lunch time, then cancel my card.
Still annoyed re debt and latest binges, but just for today I;ll not gamble but i know i need to be proactive and keep my guards up, I need to fill that void that gambling brought.
Good luck all.
Read an old diary I had made about 2 years ago where I detailed all my past gambling , and its been horrendous reading! How much of a hold gambling and alcohol have had over my life for such a long period of time.
When I younger i sold my mates CD's to fund my addiction thats when i was around 19, I had forgot about them things.
I've dabbled with all sorts of gambling over my life, from the tuppeny nudgers when I began to the 6 jackpots to 250 club machines, to a new job at 21 where i got into Horse racing, then online betting (my killer) Horses, Online Poker, and Casinos which killed me , mentally and financially! To a new casino that opened when i was 25 where i lost at poker and slots! Then finally i tried FOBT's just for good measure and goodness know how much I've lost on them.
I've dipped my feet into all forms of gambling and come out burnt every time.
Sigh
Hey Gav! I wish you the very best with ur fight..... things CAN AND WILL get better..... keep going - put those losses PUT OF YOUR HEAD! Helen. X
Just having lunch at work, cut my card to pieces and have ordered a new one which will contain numbers i dont know about. This card will be kept in work and only used when required. Also sorted out some badminton dates for next week for exercise.
Im off next week, my 3 yr starts first day of pre-school, I have counselling on Thursday were i;ll get my ipad and phone locked.
I know therell be temptations next week when off so need to be on complete guard and have all necessary blocks in place.
Feeling reasonably positive
and thanks for the posts folks.
Brought back bad memories reading your post.
I remember selling my stereo when I was 17 to pay back debts, took me years of paper round money to pay for it in the first place.
My life since then has always been about borrowing, robbing Peter to pay Paul, makes me even more determined to beat this addiction for my kids.
Well done for cutting up card, keep your chin up Gav.
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