Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Finishing work now and off for some counselling , who are referring me back to community addictions. Feeling somewhat upbeat that the fact im being pro active rather than doom and gloom, self pity , resentments, all routes to relaspe.

Then i look at my bank statement- 35k in 10 years i know people have lost considerably more, but its the mental torture its put me thru and the what i could have spent that money on! would have paid for the house extension got both kids thru uni if they choose- but i choose to gamble it and to P*** it against the wall.

BUT I CANT CHANGE THE PAST, ONLY THE FUTURE- OUT WITH THE OLD IN WITH THE NEW.

worked out what debt i have can be paid back by May 19 providing im very strict and get with the programme- which includes AA.

Day 3 (from gambling and drink)

Met up with AA member who will offer sponsorship and had a good chat, he too being an alkie and compulsive gambler. Good to chat outside rooms and share some of our stories. Basically wants me to stop drinking and gambling a month b4 i start the Programme! i.e. the 12 steps , same concept of AA as GA.

Decent nights sleep, and married 10 years today, getting out for quick dinner then AA meeting, they say make it the most important thing in your life!

Peace.

By the way is everyone not getting completely P**** off with this im not a robot , i have to spend 5 minutes every single time i make a comment or log in , its beyond a joke,

Registered with gamstop as well 5 yrs! another positive step that saying my latest losses have come from a local arcade which i had previously asked to self exluded but they still let me play, that saying i was drunk and persusive so it was my fault though 500 quid back would clear a small part of the gambling, but thats me sounding like the gambler again trying to knock his debts, ie. throuhg one big bet as i've ofter romanced about. fact is doesnt work, winning is the worse thing for a compulsive gambler, as well all know

Thank you for your kind comment, all the best on your recovery. There's only one winner the bookies/machines. We all relapse but it's how we respond is what matters.

Day 4: Exactly theres only winner and its not us!

10 yr anniversary last night, nice italian meal and got myself to a AA meeting, an ok normal day with no real thoughts of drinking or gambling.

Sometimes it scares me this is a life long journey, i.e. its not like an exam where you study , pass and your cured. Addiction will always be there, but we need our medicine whether it be , AA , GA counselling etc etc to keep us on track and remind us of where addiction took us.

Louis i spoke to a long term sober Alcoholic who gambled heavily about your comments and he agreed whole heartingly, especially ACTION, as i often talk the talk without walking the walk.

First of all though i need sobrietry and gamble free weeks to clear my fogged head, although im already feeling much better from Sunday but the pain of seeing me being 2k overdrawn without a pennys savings is eating me up how stupid i was, but im a addict, and i suffer from an illness, yet im still responsible for my actions.

In work, just trying to get wk over pay day next month, but it will be a month of doing nothing as i have to pay back my debts, should be around 9 months, then once i start earning money i need to put it into accounts which i cant touch, but im jumping ahead again, day at a time eh?

Day 5: Another good AA meeting, discussing sensitivity and low self esteem, something i have in abundance. Wk end approaching, hoping wife can get out work bit early tonight so i can get to another meeting then again tomorrow afternoon. Then Saturday night have take away with wife and catch a movie.

re newing car insurance soon, i have spent several days shopping around , on internet via phone and managed to save around £80 from original quote, as im very careful that way, yet the INSANITY of addiction i wouldnt batter an eye lid of blowing £500 into a machine or a grand in a few hrs in a bookmakers! thats was addiction does to me, the money is irrelevent its the BUZZ i crave the anticipation buzz and during the buzz then then the winning buzz (far a few between) or the oh so close to that 5 of kind - horse losing by a neck, etc etc next time maybe next time buzz. Madness complete madness, im so careful with money but when it comes to drink and gambling im a jackal and hyde-

Well done Gav. You do right to cram in AA/GA. The more you invest, the greater the incentive not to chuck in the towel.

Over-sensitivity seems SUCH a common trait for addicts. Along with social anxiety and a pre-occupation with what others think.

Which paradoxically makes us act like Rsoles - avoidance, arrogance, guardedness.

If we’re too bothered about how we are perceived, we can’t find a true sense of self.

Thanks Louis sound advice as always. Day 9 ( from booze and gambling)- didnt update over wk end as been away from computer- continuing with AA meetings- and treated myself to a movie yesterday. Emotionally all over the place and I know this is part of the recovery process, and will get better in time.

Y day i had some tough moments- feeling sorry for myself, the kinda of thoughts of "is this it"? life without booze and gambling, whats going to stimulate me etc, thoughts then came of well a few out in my town wouldnt hurt- despite of the hell these addictions took me and my familly to my addictive part of my brain still tried to rationalise the insanity. Cunning baffling, powerful YEPT i can certainly identify!

Anyway i checked out local cinema times and went to see a film, was pretty good, and escaped for a few hours.

Everything seems daunting tbh, but thats when i dont keep things in the day, a hard skill to learn. Checking my online banking this morning despressed me more, 10 years ago i had savings- had a good social life, children tend to change all that. In my lifetime i'd say alcohol and gambling have took prob close to 100k- 35 k gambling alone past 10 years and i'd say around 15 k approx before that, at least plus the booze.

I have no control over each addiction- and life yes life has become unmanageable- i.e. Step 1 . Im powerless. Im often confused people look me in the eye and tell me i havent accepted it yet, that im an alkie, i say it but havent accepted it.

Inpatient with paying the debt of is annoying me, but i should serve as a remimder of where gambling / drink took me.

Wifes' 40th September, apart from that i'll not be up to much , just keep up the AA meetings and share how i feel like im doing here.

Seeing counsellor later- shes referring me back to comm addictions and she thought i should go into a ward prob because of my past relaspes and subsequent cry out for helps.

I know i've said it over the yrs but i have got to find something else to replace these addictions and even become addictive on obsessive in something healthy. running sports, photography i dont know.

Anyway glad to get thru the first week.

Gav

10 days: Busy in work meeting tonight,

11 days

12 days, a tough day today, after almost two weeks , thoughts of drinking and indeed gambling have come to fruition , which is madness and the results will be as follows.

a) another relapse and having to start again.

b)drink and lose and have the mental torture of both when im already financially in deep waters

c)drink and win, the worse possible outcome , feelings of elation followed by constant ruminating and prob more obessession then the feeling of utter despair.

No win, = get my a*s to a meeting tonight and share. im not alone

Ended up in A&E and Sunday after disastrous session . gambled as well and was place in hospital for 2 day detox, i've ticked all the boxes for full blown alcoholism, i now have to accept it, along with the compulsive gambling, my parents , my wifes parents are now fully aware of my problems now, which in a sense is a relief, as they've offered help but im now on an ULTIMATUM, anymore and shes out with the kids, and the house will be gone. No more chances.

Very down and dont see a future or solution at the minute.

Hello Gav,

Always followed, yet never posted but here goes.

After reading Fridays post and then today’s it seems to me that you were slowly letting them ‘ who gives a f**k ‘ thoughts seep back in.

You’d been doing well, so a need to acknowledge that and get back doing what you knew was working. It seems easy to say that ‘ I’m a alcoholic/ cg ‘ , yet really accepting that and admitting that ones bridges are burnt is a completely different matter. Possibly arrogance or misguided prided ? It’s is in my book any way.

I’m not sure whether it’s about recognising triggers but do think it’s knowing when to reach out to the people you’ve met in your meetings.

You’ve been around long enough and have the knowledge, self awareness and deep down there, the strength of spirit to live with this and harness it as and when them over riding thoughts appear. Think a mistake lots of us Make is trying to fight them thoughts rather than than mindfully play around with them and figure out why there there ?

You seem to have a loving family, there’s a reason for that, but possibly your not seeing it, need to start to loving yourself and the ability to look in the mirror in the knowledge that for another day you’ve tried your best and soon that reflection will be something to be proud of.

The solution is right in front of you and that’s getting back to meetings, being honest with others and yourself in how your feeling. Connection, connection is the way forward in being resilient in facing upto emotional distress. And one thing I do know with us addicts that resilience is one of our few strengths.

Wishing you well Gav

Thnaks for your honest post volcano and I've been told that by many people that i Havent YET accepted im alcoholic compulsive gambler, clinging on to the hope that one day i'll control it which i know deep down i'll never do, maybe a week or month MAX but it wont take long to get back to a bender and gamble spree resulting in suicidal thoughts have half a&rsed attempts, which might one day succeed leaving my boys growing up without a dad.

The fact now that no matter how much craving hits me, i have to accept that now everything in on the line- i need to phone another person and talk my thru i cant afford anymore f up not one more.

Its prob what i needed as i was contantly pushing boundaries and some of the stuff i have done will haunt me , but i cant afford to get bogged down and instead look to now, today, and the future with some sort of HOPE that i will start to live life, instead of being a slave to addiction, this aint a rehearsal!

5 days, very negative week but also some positives, a roller coster. Now it being out there with EVERYONE knowing about my alcohol and to some extent my gambling, i've got people watching we like a hawk with Absolutley NO Trust whatsoever, which is 100% fair and I Dont Trust myself anymore.

I played badminton last night the first time in months since i tore my calf, i wished for a heart attack to kill me, so i could die a respectiful death and i have somewhat started to give up on myself, 5 days.