Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Day 5: You only can one go at this life, I personally dont want to look back and regret how i've lived it, but we all have a choice how we want to live today, hide behind addiction, or start living. I choose to live today, work then counselling tonight, im feeling a bit more positive, i went to the arcade and handed a self exclusion form in, another positive step. Im now self excluded from all local arcades , i have last 3 digits off both my bank cards, im being proactive about my recovery, but am fearful at the same time. you only get so many go's at life, and addiction has taken me to some pretty dark places, I dont want to revisit, I want to live.

I've been hiding from this site and I was full of shame self pity and my ego /pride was ruling. On the plus side i havent gambled in over 23 days! My last gamble saturday 20 th November betting £300 on horses and winning then losing then winning, after the entire day i was probably about even , Im glad I didnt lose and im glad i didnt win, On arriving home my wife went through my pockets and pulled out receipts of £300 £100 etc etc, she was utterly devastated and had no idea the extent of my addiction ,YOu know what i was actually relieved to be caught keeping that s**t locked up inside is hard work, the constant lies and deceit then forgetting what lies you said its exhausting work.

I may have stopped gambling but im still drinking , managing to stop after a nights drinking, the benders are gone, but the pain , shame remorse, are there in abundance. My 7 yr old son reminded me if something i done years ago, he still remembered, that shocked me, the stuff i put them thru i was basically putting a bottle before them. sigh.

Hi Gav,

Dropping by since been so long since we exchanged a thought or two.

How are you? I have been thinking about your journey few times since I got back on here. I sincerely hope you're well and truly in recovery. No more self inflicted pain by awful addictions, a lot hope wisdom and peace in return.

Also hope you are surrounded by amazing support which is out there for the taking.

How is little one doing? More likely fine little man after this long ?. 

Keep us posted, i hope you're well. Will look forward for your update.

Sandra (S&B) xx

Im back. What a year. A lots happened since I have been last on here. Things really took a turn for the worst over december, it was a mess, it involved gambling drinking and ended up with me in hospital . I ended up living with my elderly parents for 2 months, I got social services involved, I came clean about everything, to everyone that should know about everything. Back then was a mess, an absolute mess which i created.

Im now nearly 6 months free from drink and gambling, am involved in service in AA , and attend GA. My life has turned round. I went into rehab in February the best thing that happened to me, gave me time to look at me and effect of my addictions. Im involved heavily in AA and as mentioned go to GA, i've finally accepted my alcoholism and compulsive gambling and i just cant take that first drink or first bet, as i cant control it. It sets of a mental obsession. 

Life is good, im back living at home and my boys are doing well, they are full of hugs and i've started looking after myself better. You have to work on recovery it doesnt come free, you get out what you put in. Hope everyone is going well. I' havent been on this site for quite some time. A day at a time we can recover from this illness , it can be done.

Gavin 

Hey Gav!

I saw you'd posted and feared the worst. It feels like for years you've been there's been this hideous cycle going on (from my viewpoint) - you appearing in crisis, a few posts, going AWOL, crisis repeat. And every time you reappeared it would seem like a new low.

Yet finally....it seems like you might've cracked it! Brilliant! Hang in with what you're doing. Don't let go and ease off. It's still early days but sounds like you're doing great.

All the best mate

Louis

Top read! Chuffed for you mate, keep up good work!

((((((Gav & family))))))

Hi Louis good to hear from you , and hi SB28.

Havent been on this site for while but watched the story of a young girl who took her own live through gambling on the bbc website today and got me thinking.

It so sad to see but the fact is its reality. Online gambling is so so dangerous i know as i done. It was like playing with monopoly money, playing to get the buzz, the near miss, the bonus's the free spins the game are designed to suck you in and they did!

Anyway Things are ok for me, still on the straight and narrow with no drink or gambling and i also gave  up the smokes! though i P**f away like thomas the tank engine on my vape !!

Still heavily involved in AA and i do go to GA just not as often i'd like. I've no real urge to drink or gamble, i've accepted I cant do it, theres just no stopping me, it controls me. 

Did a chair for a AA convention last week end infront of 100's of people. My confidence is returning , i more self worth, I 've got a higher power in my life and i try to keep it simple.

Just for today I'll not have a drink or gamble!

Simple works with me.

Hope everyone is doing ok?

Gav

Extremely heart warming update. Im very happy for you Gav! 

You believed in yourself and you put so much in that desire to start again and reclaim your life!

Please do enjoy the sweet fruits of your hard work and be proud....and also know that many souls are proud of you too...(all of them in fact ?)

Stay safe, blessings and best wishes

S&B xx