Well, hi to anyone reading this, and hi to 'future me' if it is ony me whp ever reads this!!
I've been a member of this forum for about 4 years now since I had my first proper low point from an addiction to online poker. Huge debts, realisation that I was a compulive gambler, told the family e.t.c
I've often thought I should start a diary, but as with many things in life I've been a little lazy and thought I'd be ok without one.
Anyone reading this please do feel free to search my name and read some of my posts from 4 years ago or the few I've posted in relapses over the last few. There have been about 3-4 big relapses but many smaller ones.
Right now I'm not in a really bad place in that I'm not in major debts and not playing all the time, BUT when I do I binge for hours and seem to lose a few hundred, then stop for a few days/weeks and it happens again. These binges have been becomming more frequent and they simply have to stop. My friends, partner and family think I've not gambled for a year and I am fed up of lying to them. I REALLY want this to be over for good and I'm commited to doing ANYTHING to make it happen.
I don't think its got bad enough to risk the emtional hell it will be telling all myloved ones I've gambled again, so this diary and indeed this first point is really a form of getting it off my chest and the first step of real positive step to change.
I am SO tired of muttering to myself when I'm walking to work 'WHY?? You know you always lose...WHY did you do that last night? How could you lose £500 when you have rent to pay e.t.c'
I have spent an hour writing down all the reasons I should not play poker anymore, and I really hope to come back to this and re-read it should I ever start to relapse or feel like I might.
I am going to try and post here at least once a week but probably more to start with and hope that if anyone reads if they can draw hope from it or at least relate to my issues and offer any kind advice/support.
I'm DONE. I want OUT. I don't want poker rulling my life anymore.
So here goes.....
The many reasons NOT to play poker from THIS day - 01st Feb 2013 -
28 days to go until your 30th Birthday
You’ve spent most of your 20’s gambling. Do you really want this to continue??
If you feel ANY urge come to this forum and read every single one of these points. You owe that to yourself and everyone that love you.
• Most importantly, YOU WILL NEVER win - Even if you win $1000 like last night (31st Jan 2013) and many other times you will ALWAYS ALWAYS lose it again at some point, and more ontop when you’re angry for blowing it all. You are a compulsive gambler and always will be, so don’t fool yourself into thinking you can play a few games and control it
• When you are playing, underneath the excitement and adrenalin there is deep guilt that you are letting down ALL your loved ones who think you’ve stopped. Don’t let yourself get into this situation
• When you play this guilt makes you feel sick, and almost makes you want to lose to punish yourself. You are setting yourself up for failure/ loss the minute you download the software
• You are not even a ‘good’ poker player. Yes you can sometimes seem to play well for a few hours, but you’re way too impulsive and ** awfully when you have a bad beat. Read these forums. If pro players who read the books and can control ** still go over the edge you should be FAR FAR AWAY FROM THIS GAME
• You hate the horrible and powerful grip it has on you. Remember the other night when you were up at 6.30am before a huge work event?? You’d played for 10 hours without a break, and kept closing the laptop and vowing never to play again, only to log back on in bed deposit another £100 and try again. You could not sleep, your mind was racing and worrying about messing up at the event (and your life!), and you lost another £100 which could have done some good in the world or at the very least been saved for a rainy day
• THE DEBT - Remember how crippling and horrible the feeling of being £1000’s in debt was? You have got VERY lucky that your salary has increased and you’ve set up a business which is brining money in. You currently have no debt, but If you get into series debt again imagine how bad that will feel? Just think about that. If you don’t gamble you have more than enough money to save and be successful. You are in a good spot now (Feb 2013) so don’t let yourself be dragged down again. You are SO much better than this
• Think about how upset your lovely girlfriend will be, your parents, your brother, your sister, your friends e.t.c if they find out you’ve ruined it all again and lost £1000’s. You can and will lose EVERYTHING. Remember the stories from when you went to GA back in 2009? That can and will be you if you don’t get a grip on this NOW
• Think of the buzz you get from your new business and the time you’ve put into making it work. If someone came up to you in the street and asked you to flip a coin for £500 of your hard earned money would you do it?? Of course you wouldn’t, so don’t ‘spin the wheel’ and play poker with it. Put it straight into savings as you’ve been trying to recently or re-invest in the business
• Think about how hazy you feel when you’ve been gambling for hours on end. You go for nights out and feel down because you’ve lost money, or even if you’ve won you feel guilty and ashamed. Not to mentioned frightened at how strong the pull is to gamble it to make more
Most importantly now think about HOW GOOD YOU FEEL when you’ve had 4-5 month periods of no gambling;
You see more good friends (rather than ignoring the phone mid session!)
You are in a better mood and your relationship strengthens
You can enjoy going or dinner / drinks without worrying about money / debt and putting on a brave face
When people ask how you are you can actually say with confidence things are good and mean it
Your brain starts working in a more rational, positive way - Looking at new business ideas, being more creative at work etc
You have more time to play sport you love and see sporting friends
You don’t have as many mood swings and feel so down about being too weak to beat this
Finally read this phrase and perhaps even say it out loud - "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
If you don’t make changes and read this post when you feel weak you have a very sad, lonely, selfish, depressing, poor, unhealthy life ahead of you. Nothing will change unless YOU change it so get yourself together, be strong, think of all the things you love in life and you WILL beat this illness.
Sending lots of hope and kind thoughts to all those who are or have been in a similar battle to me.
Poker Kid HAS Quit (31st Jan 2013 - Last bet)
Keep going, keep the thoughts of shame and guilt to the forefront, it is the only way that I have to keep reminding myself of mu utter foolishness. Risk the emotional hell of telling loved ones, it is the final wake up call, I know that and am living the consequences - will NEVER do it again, far too much to lose and that's not money.
Keep at it, you did it before and you can again.
Kitj xx
Thanks for your support KitJ 🙂 Really appreciate it and hope you're doing well in your battle
So It's now Feb 17th, and I've not gambled for 167days.
Feel delighted that I've got this far, especially as my girlfriend has been away a lot so it would have been so easy to slip up.
Very hungover today and this is exactly the time I usually relapse, but I came here instead to check in with the diary.
Can feel the evil voice of gambling saying 'you're fine now, you've got some cash...start a new account and just play a quick touro then cash out if you win'.
BUT I know what will happen. It's what happens every single time without fail. I play for a bit, then slowly move up the levels until I'm playing for stupid money (that I've either won or deposited). I then cancel the account, swear I'll quit...then wake up in the morning and like a doughnut start another one!!
Anyway, not today....not anymore. Today I win. today that voice loses. Today I did not gamble
Pokerkid (has quit) - Last played poker 01st Feb 2013
That was meant to say 17 days....not 167!
Still, looking forward to hopefully being able to say that...half a year gamble free would be amazing!!
Well done, mate. Poker led me down this slippery spiral of compulsive gambling.
Glad you're at 17 days. Stick to it mate, always be on guard and remember that gambling offer you little or nothing in return for the time and money wasted.
Keep up the good work. 🙂
All the best
Alex
Cheers Alex, appreciate the support mate
Was just reading your diary earlier actually. Sounds like you're doing great!
Ill keep following your progress.
18 days...got out today and tennis. Lost...but so good to be out and doing exercise.
Girlfriend is still away for another 8 days...so the temptation SHOULD be there, but for some reason it isn't really. Did think tonight about watching some poker videos on YouTube....but knew it was a bad idea so didn't. Always ends up making me miss it and playing.
Feeling a little low after a heavy weekend and being on my own (I work from home as well), but got lots booked for the rest of the week so hopefully will keep me busy and not thinking of poker.
I walked past the bingo hall today and saw from very sad old faces standing outside smoking, then walked past FOUR bookies (they are everywhere!) and although I admit I thought about popping in and putting tenner in the blackjack machine I didn't. Mainly because like the bingo the people in there looked anything but happy. Bookies are not really my main vice at all. but i have lost a little in there in the oast and if I'm going to give up gambling that means everything so I'm not going in there.
I also do think this diary is helping me. It's something on top of the 18 days that I don't want to go back on and let myself down on. Obviously your word, hurting your friends, the financial mess etc should be enough....but they haven't been in the past so im glad this is helping.
That's all for now, hope everyone has a good week.
Poker kid HAS quit - 18 days
Hello mate
Thanks for your post i no it help as ive been here before . Your doing really well i no it tough when your on your own my wife was away at the weekend and i was going crazy. I was last on here 07 08 myself is also online poker use to play 10 to 20 hours a day . It can be done mate i did it for a few years and never mist it my only error was to forgetting im a gambling addict and always will be deep in side . had a cheeky football coupon on 6 months ago and before i new it bang back to square one.
Keep up the good work buddy and we will beat this
Paul
Thanks Paul.
I too was here in 2008 when I had my first 'rock bottom' moment. Still checked in now and then but I'm going to visit a lot more now as I'm sure it helps.
Longest i've lasted is about 3-4 months....in the last 8 years. Feel sick just saying that. Worked it out the other day and realised I started playing at uni, which was 8 years ago. I've lost probably about £30k in that time...could be more....god knows.
I've always been a bit of a gambler...but poker was the DEATH of me!! I'm super competitive, HATE losing, love the buzz of 'quick money' and prone to depression. The combination of these things seem to make online poker my *** C*****e!!
Taking it day by day now, and my head is starting to clear a bit. I hate the hazy feeling you get when you've gambled for hours on end. You go to sleep and all you can see is cards....and you're tossing and turning worrying about how the hell you've got yourself into this mess.
I'm sure if you've been seriously into poker you can relate!
Luckily I've never got into any other gambling really, other than a little bit on those machines in the bookies, and the odd quid in a fruity....but it doesnt matter. I'm a compulsive gambler and poker just happens to be my 'drug of choice'.
My only worry now is that I can't install gamblock / bet filter on this work laptop. I've tried but they have blocked anything being installed. Just hoping I can stay strong but its hard.
The ipad is another worry as sites keep launching software and i see it and instantly start thinking about playing.
Anyways, bit of a ramble....but good luck mate. Keep in touch
Have you tried K9 as a blocker, pokerkid? It works for me. And it's free.
Anyway, I have to say. Poker is a hard one to ***. My problem started when I played it for free. I played it first in 2008, then about three years later I decided quite stupidly to deposit about a tenner. The rest is history. The highs, the lows. Was it worth it? No. It was a waste of my time and my money. I'm glad to be rid of it.
Yet, as strange as it may sound, I still find it a fascinating game to watch. However, I'm glad I'm out of the game now. It would have only have got worse for me, as I just couldn't stop until I managed to lose everything. I don't even play rounds of cards with my friends anymore. I feel very indifferent at the moment on poker, part of me wants to play a free game, but I'm just as aware that again it could be a gateway to the compulsive gambling. It is good to be free of it. I'm slowly coming round to the fact that life is actually better when you're not dependent on the vice of gambling for a phoney high or the illusions of riches that will never ever come.
Saw a great film about a poker star called Stu Unger recently, as he too was like us, a compulsive gambler. He paid the ultimate price. It led to his death. Says a lot really. I think the film was called The Rise and Fall of Stu Unger. Worth checking out.
Stick to the tennis, chap, you will do well. Avoid poker. Stay strong. You're doing fantastic mate! Keep it up. 😉
All the best
Alex
Hi Pokerkid
Your story is very similar to my own. Betfilter has worked very well for me. Prior to that i must have played and self excluded from 40 poker sites. On a good night i would win 2k but the next night i would loose it all again and more. The problem is we cant take our beating and end up chasing our loses too hard. I must be down 50k in the 10 years i have been playing online poker. I recently bought a netbook as i taught i was cured. Ended up playing for two nights lost about 2k then proceeded to smash the netbook to pieces. It was a bit over the top but highly effective. I now only have my original laptop which has a betfilter block on it.
Anyways good luck on kicking your habit, just remember you cannot ever win because you simply cannot stop.
Hello Mate
Its scary how similar our life is and so many in the poker world my life revolved around if ha i say life not much of a one . Any form of betting is bad but ours was open 24/7 . im looking at down loading some software to block gambling as id like to stay on line . the last time i cut all ties with the internet where pos.
Well done fella to take a stand against gambling
Paul
Hi Pity and life back,
Thanks for your posts guys.
Funny to think we may have actually played with each other one of the (no joke!) hundreds of sites I've joined then cancelled isn't it?!
You could always tell the compulsive gamblers i thought, as they would play so erratically. They would pop on to a table with say £277.77 which was clearly the end of the roll....then it would be gone in a few hands. Sadly this was usually me at the end of a desperate losing streak and hours of staring at the screen. I always felt like speaking to those people and building support from them, but they'd just drop off and disappear....probably go and sit next to the wife and try not to let the sense of despair eat them up too much!! Such a horrible thing to be hooked on...eats up up and turns you into someone you don't recognise.
I have to say betrilter did really help for me for a bit, but amazing last year after a trip to Ibiza....leaving me a little low (!) I went to Internet cafes and would spend hours in there playing for cash.
I then got an iPad with work...and before I knew it was searching for apps that accepted paypal. The reason for this was two fold. 1. I'd asked my girlfriend to check my bank statements, so I knew I couldn't risk using my credit card. BUT I've set up an ******* business bringing in some good money, so that was all sitting in PayPal. Dangerous! Before I knew it I we gambling my profits I'd made and she had no idea. 2. I didn't want to risk work finding all the poker software on my comp and then finding out I was playing poker
Either way, I guess my point is....gam block software is good, as are all blocks but you really new to get a handle on what your triggers are and why you gamble. It AMAZES me how resourceful I am when I want to gamble in secret. I seem to do ANYTHING to get away with it. Although the feeling when I first log on and have £100 on my account is great, and I feel composed, it soon develops into a horrible and degrading binge. Hardly eat, usually have a few whisky's, get the f**s out....then of course cant sleep when you finally manage to pull yourself away and go to bed. mutter to yourself that its the end and never again and finally Drift off into a nervous sleep. sounds fun doesnt it????! NOT!!
oh and don't answer the phone to good, caring friends....basically waste the life we are so lucky to lead in the country. People have such tough life's around the world....
Anyways, I'm now putting all my spare time into my job and my side business which is doing really well. Launching a brand new website and also a totally new
Clothing Brand from scratch in the next few months and that is keeping me really busy. I've always been a bit of an entrepreneur, but in the back of my head freak out that as soon as I'm successful I will blow all my money...but I'm not going to let gambling hold me back. I'm going to use CALCULATED risks now and then as you should in business, but not gamble. I get such a buzz when I make a good day of sales and spend time packing the goods up. Need to use this 'buzz' to suppress the need to gamble. Make money....don't lose it!
19 days free and while its still hard and I feel kind of on the edge and scared of slipping up I'm getting there. Has to work this time, has to.....
If any of you ex poker players are based in London and want to go for a drink/ coffee some time to talk about progress and just meet someone in a similar situation I'd be more than happy to do so.
All the best and really appreciate you joining me in this journey to a free from poker life....hope you're all having a nice Tuesday. Amazing sunny day in London!! 🙂
Hello mate
Sounds like life is heading in the right direction you have alot going on for you and im sure its exciting .
great stuff keep up the good work
Paul
Ps im from Durham area bit far for a cheeky beer
Hey Poker Kid
Youre first post was absolutely awesome
It was like reading my poker life, all the habits, the long hours, the 6.30am finishes
Everything, its literally been my life from 21
Its killed me and its made me rack up terrible debts
Im porposing to my gf tomorrow and im paying off the last couple of hundred of losses that i have from recent times
Howeevr even when thats gone i have £10k sitting in a debt management plan that i racked up over 3 credit cards in 10 hours of poker when i was 24
I had a bankroll of £11,000k and i lost it all and then the 10k on cards in 10 hours
As a result im 30 years of age and i cannot get accpeted for a morgage until my DMP is cleared
That DMP all come from poker
And of course i played plenty more times since those days...never to the same extent but enough of a salary crippling amount each month
Good on you
Betfilter or K9 are great
They do help the urges cause its just not possible to play
I will say this
I LOVE playing poker....i LOVE it like i love my favourite sports
But it ruins my life....so i cant play it
You are probably the same...you love it...but you hate it for what its caused....
I understand
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