Somewhere to log my recovery from poker addiction

Hi Nlboy,

Wow, sounds like we're had a very similar 20's fella!

Mad to think its been 9 years of this sh&t eh?!

If I read that right and you're proposing to your girlfriend tomoz, then good luck! Or did you mean you were telling her about the gambling / debt ?? Either way hope either go well!

Sounds like you had a BAD ** that evening when you were 24. Did something happen that day to make you lose it so bad? I got into about £10k and debt and slowly paid it off over the last 5 years. Horrible making money and having to pay off a loan with nothing to show for it. But if ou don't gamble it can be done. I slipped quite a bit but was on quite a good wage so that counteracted it. Sick to think if I hadn't been gambling I'd probably have thousands saved by now or a house...oh well, gotta out it out the mind and focus on the future.

I do love the rush of poker...the bluffing, the AA or kk feeling....but to be honest it sickens me as much as it excites me. I got so sucked in by the whole poker boom and all the glitzy tv shows. Total hook line and sinker. Dreamed of being in Vegas paying high stakes, but knew deep down I was not nearly controlled enough, patient enough or committed enough to ever really be good long term. My heart used to go mental when I'd be in a big had...huge rush of adrenelin going through the system, and that's really the buzz I was hooked on.

Had a BIG test tonight, strongest urge so far. I went for dinner with an old mate in town, then walked to leiscter square to get tube. I was standing right by the hippodrome casino. I knew full well there is a 24 hour poker room and always action. Although its not online, whenever I have played offline, if I've won or lost its led to online poker. It would have been SO easy today, as the mrs is away, so usually I'd have been right up there.

Anyways, I DIDN'T. I thought of the 19 days that would go back to 1. I thought of the wasted time and money if I went in. I thought of the despair in myself that I only lasted a few weeks (again!!). I thought about if I DID win having to hide the wad of money in my sock draw (!) and sneak £20s out before we go out at night. I thought about this forum and writing that I'd relapsed and let myself down and everyone else.

So end of day 19 still gamble free and resisted the first real urge. Really pleased 🙂

I thought online would be the first real challenge but the poker bug perhaps thought that would be too easy and he'd try and tempt me in via a different medium.

Well you didn't win so sick ba&strd!! I WON!

Poker kid HAS quit

Yes mate, you and me 9 years of highs and lows of poker, its been a whirlwind and i dont know where the time has gone

That day when i was 24 haunts me still. I had 7k sitting at a table....got ace 7 of hearts, flopped a flush, bet reraise....so forth....turn nothing, no pairing of the board.....bet reraise blah blah

River king hearts....all in....he makes river straight flush

Bye money. Think i lost with aces 7 times that day too. Im like you, get AA and its like..boom here comes the money but its always overbet and lose everything in one hand

Hence why i CANNOT play poker. I used to buy the magazines and watch the tv shows, i loved it all, i wanted to BE IT.

But 30 years old and im not it....just a shell of someone who thought they were good at poker

Anyway yes im proposing tomorrow

The gambling chat has come and long gone. Lots of relapses since then that she is not aware of and im not proud of

But 40 days gamble free today and this time tomorow hopefully an engaged ex gambler

Still......where the hell did our 20s go man...

Jesus...I feel sick for you hearing about that hand...I know the sick feeling when you see the chips move over and you're numb.

So...I've just read some of your diary mate, and the similarities in our lives are INSANE.

I too am an account manager for a drinks company....29 (30 in a month), been with girlfriend nearly 3 years, can't afford a mortgage due to gambling, she wants more commitment (and I don't blame her!), want to be free of this all before I risk damaging her life, had long periods of not gambling when I feel almost 'high' from the feeling...but still gamble in secret again.... etc etc etc!

How strange....!

Anyway, I just read your post about asking her Dad for her hand. Totally understand how you met have felt that they know about your problem, that would cut me deep. However, you have to see it from her point of view. She must have been so lost at some point and unable to understand it all....so where do you turn? Your family.

My GF promises she hasn't said anything, but god knows. The bad thing is her great granddad was an awful gambler and lost EVERYTHING. Her grandad was telling us the other day and I could see the worry in her eyes that it could be me doing that to her. In truth I was just as worried that that fate waits for me, but like you I'm desperate to make sure It doesn't for us both.

Anyways, good luck tomorrow bro....sure it will go great!

Can I ask what type of company you work for by the way? Don't worry about saying the name. I'm in the alcohol sector. Spirits mainly.

Day 20 gamble free

Played tennis again today. FREEZING cold, but good to get some air in the lungs!

Watching deal or no deal....strange that I even get a bit of a gambling buzz from watching that?! Fastforward through the cr** at the begging straight to the action stage!!

******* sales are really slow at the moment. Ran out of stock of my most popular line and total traffic has dropped by half. Very annoying but spent £1k which could have been gambled on more stock from India and China, so will be back in stock soon. So glad I didnt gamble that and had it in an ISA

Anyways, hope everyone's doing well.

Hello Mate

nice one 20 days keep it up its the best thing we can do is stay clear of gambling . Haha no what you mean about deal or no deal its sit but but think we no it all we d probs get the 1p

Sales will pick up mate cant be flying of the shelf ever day . least your challanging your time and money to good now

take care

Paul

End of day 21...

Made a bit of a mistake last night.

Turned on the TV and 'rounders' was on. A bloody poker movie! I'd never seen it, and loads of people had told me it was a great film, so I decided to watch it.

Half way through I was thinking 'THAT is exactly why poker is so bad'. He loses a HUGE hand when he thinks its a dead cert and blows his whole bankroll in seconds.

At the end he nearly goes broke again when his life depends on it...but comes back to win and the film ends with him going to vegas to play in the WSOP. Kind of the wrong message to send to compulsive gamblers really (which he was depicted as).

I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly gamble, but even watching the hands and hearing the lingo made me a bit twitchy....and I couldnt sleep. Had to be up at 6.30am and didn't sleep well at all. How weird is that?? Just from watching a film my heart was racing a little and my palms were a bit sweaty. Scary stuff...and will stay away from any poker videos/films from now I think.

Anyways, had a big clean of the flat tonight as my girlfriend is still away and as always it reverts to a dump very quick! Feels good...clean head when its tidy and doing some work on the business while watching the spurs match.

Really looking forward to getting a month boxed off...fingers crossed!

Hope everyones getting on ok

Yo PK

Everything went great thanks, she said yes and its been a great couple of days! Many thanks for your kind words

By the way the similarities are seriously freaky!

When i first posted on here i was still in the alcohol business, spent 2 and a half years there!

Wine, beer and spirits. I absolutely hated the company i worked for and the drinks industry became so price driven that customer loyalty was going out the window.

The drinks industry is in tough shape right now, im sure you see customers buying it elsewhere just cause its a penny a case cheaper!

Last nearly 3 years ive been in coffee sales and barista training. Love the industry, coffees in boom period and its taking over where the drinks industry declined with less people drinking during the day and inhaling coffee like its C*****e, lol

Also ive seen rounders...great movie but it does tickle the poker senses which makes life difficult....its the same with 21, not a blackjack perosn myself but its pretty much set in vegas....flashing lights...temptation!

Sin city was made to ruin the likes of you and me

Worst part of us is we are salesmen....bluffers......can lie like the best of them and act like nothings wrong....probably doesnt help our gambling!!

Oh to be a sensible level headed man with money!!!

Good going on the gamble free days PK!!

Hello mate,

So glad it went well, bet you're both made up.

I was freaking out a little it had gone Pete tong and you'd hit the tables as hadn't heard from you!

I'm brand side as opposed to wholesale, so it's still tough but not nearly as bad as the routes to market guys who are seriously struggling. Duty going up, customers wanting to may less....but wanting more premium products at she same time. Bit of a mess.

With Waverly going under recently and some other BIG wholesalers in trouble, it's a scary time for everyone. Even brand side, if there is nobody to get our product out there we're going to be in trouble!

I was at one of the 'big three' spirits companies for 4 years, and I'm not a S.NAM at a slightly smaller one but still has great premium brands.

I do love the industry but I don't want to work for anyone else for longer than a few more years. Get such a buzz from doing my own thing that's the way I've gotta go. Already have a few small businesses on the side and love it.

Funny you mention coffee as I've got a friend who has just gone to head up the sales team at a well known premium coffee company, and my girlfriend has spent the last few years working in that sector as well for a big brand.

Huge margins on coffee! Gotta give credit to Starbucks for turning a commodity into an experience and 'training' consumers to pay £3 for it!! Obvs now some other great companies out there, but they did lead the way in that respect

Anyways, back to the diary:

Day 22:

Got up early today and went to buy some fruit and bacon. Came back with a paper, popped some footie on and had a tasty healthy breakfast while reading all about the Pistorius case. Fascinated by it.

Just been thinking about what I'd be doing if I had been gambling, which I usually would be if the GF was away.

I would have been paying poker last night until I either maxed my card, maxed my deposit, won over £1000 or just couldn't keep eye open. I would have then woken up today at about 10am having had 2-3 hours sleep, and turned the comp straight back on to start paying again, either to chase loses or play with the 'free money' I'd won the night before.

I would have not eaten anything, or perhaps a piece of toast, not had a shower, and certainly not read a paper and heaven forbid learned anything.

Which one sounds more positive eh??

Anyways, off into town to go to a beer festival today then out for a stag do in the evening. Well it's a 'pre-stag'...so we can all meet before going to Hamburg in March. Frankly I think stag dos have got out of hand!! Surely 4 days abroad is enough to celebrate. interested to hear you very current views on this NI??

So will be slightly dangerous hungover day tomorrow at home on my own...nobody around to hide from, BUT I'm going to come here and read what I just wrote today if I get the urge.

NOTHING GOOD WILL COME FROM GAMBLING.

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO LOSE AND NOTHING TO GAIN

Going to keep saying that last phrase to myself over and over again

Take it easy all, hope you're all doing well

Well done pokerkid stay strong my friend your doing great yep and hangover days are dangerous so stick a DVD on or read the posts sbout how we all get in to massive debts and ruin our lives it should help 🙂

The bear

Well done pokerkid,

I'am also a compulsive gambler, g.o.c. was slots. It's been great support on here, I'am also doing some 1 on 1 therapy and group counseling. It's good to not be chained to the slots anymore like I used to be. So much more to life, crazy how you just get so lost in a machine. I'am also watching the Pistorius case, It should be interesting when it goes to trial in June, such a sad shame. What a beautiful lady. Stay strong, your doing great.

Sincerely,

Chicagoguy

Day 25 -

Quick check as busy with work today.

Girlfriend is back tomorrow....which means I lasted 11 whole days when I could have been gambling in secret!! This was a real test and frankly I'm THRILLED I managed to stay away from poker.

There were times when I felt quite bored and low....and I will admit that yesterday I watched a poker video on youtube (bad I know!) but I didnt play or do any other form of gambling which is great.

She is back tomorrow so I think we'll go out for dinner. Kind of reward myself for not gambling and treat her at the same time.

Thanks for your words Chicago and thanks for joining me on the journey. I'll keep track on your recovery. Hope it's going well.

Have a good evening all

PK

Hey pokerkid,

Way to go, congrats on staying strong while your girlfriend was gone. Take her out for some fine dinning and be proud of yourself. Every time we get through those trigger moments, it's seems we get stronger in our recovery.

I'll be checking in with ya, stay strong.

Chicagoguy

Yeah that's what I feel...

I've really gotta think now...if I can last 11 days of serious temptation I really should be able to kick this for good when she is around to 'keep an eye on me'.

Still the tough times will come when I start to think 'I feel great, money in the bank, work going well'....thats when its dangerous! Then if I slip and I waste all these days i've 'saved up' I'll feel rubbish and am likely to keep gambling on and off until I get to rock bottom again and end up in debt.

Fingers crossed it doesnt happen this time. I've got to stay aware of how serious this is and how it can genuinely ruin my life

PK

Just wanted to check in quickly and say its all going well.

Really pleased those hit a whole month 🙂

Danger at the moment as I've just been paid, but I've already put a lot away into savings (new concept to me!!) and invested some in new stock for my online retail/******* store. Spending money to make money not gambling it all away in hours!! Yes it's slower, but it still feels great when you turn a small sum of money into a bit one....

Hope everyone is doing well. I've got the GF's family staying at the moment, so can't write a full update, but will check in properly soon and read the diary a of those kind enough to track my progress.

All the best, PK

Hey pokerkid,

Glad to see your doing well. Stay strong and enjoy your weekend.

Chicagoguy