Hello
Firstly, I would like to extend my appreciation for the posts and advice by all that I have seen here in recent days. I have been reading some posts both success stories and struggle stories, but both equally inspiring in a way.
I have been inspired to start my own diary here as a result, on one hand in a selfish way to try add one more layer motivation for me to win this battle against myself. And, hopefully my story will help others down the line one day too.
Background: Just about to turn 30, and until 3 years ago I had never gambled or bet a penny. For approx. 6 years I have been trying very hard to save money, pay off student loans and build up a large savings bank to help my parents out, to help my partner and I and give us a good future. This was going extremely well, and by 28 through hard work and determination I had paid off my student loads, family loans which got me through university and managed to save over £100k between ISAs, Pensions, Savings accounts etc. I kept my cost of living super low and was on a great track.
3 years ago, I was trying to fill some of my free time more productively, make some additional money on the side. I found Matched Betting, I started with it and was successful fast. I had an extremely cold mind when it came to it, you could say I treated it like a business. I build amazing spreadsheets to track everything down to pennies, never had a problem taking losses on casino offers knowing that what I was doing was a profitable strategy etc etc. I made at my peak over £106k from this in a little under 3 years. However, the last few months have been hell for me.
I was making more and more as time went on, investing more, increasing stakes etc, however all within my rule book. But I started to feel I major draw towards punting more, I TOTALLY lost value in what money was, I became stressed out with losses. Chasing losses etc, moving slowly outside of my rules step by step. Going -20k one day and +18k the next on and off for a couple of months. Missing out on appointments, meetings etc as I couldn’t walk away. I became more and more scared of myself, I was becoming afraid of my lack of control. I told my partner about it and she helped me to draw up some new rules which I would follow from now on. I tried that for a few weeks which went well but then slowly step by step I would move away from them. In a blur thought, or no thought I would find myself again in a big hole that I didn’t know how I had gotten there. Until last Thursday when I looked at my ISA which was normally at 55k balance and saw it was showing 500£, I had been depositing values of £4k at a time into a bookmaker, running 500£ spins without any rational thought. Almost zombie like. That session cost me 40k, the week previous 30k. Overall in the last 10 days or so I have taken a shuddering loss of 70k pounds. Even writing that down makes me want to curl up into a ball and somehow relive the last 10 days, though in the condition I was in, the result would have been the same. I had totally lost control, quite quickly after such a period of time operating like a robot. I did recognise some issues creeping in abut never saw them escalading this far.
I sat in silence after last Thursday for a few hours and when my partner came home, I told her. She was upset and can’t quite understand me but she has been supportive and helpful. I was again saying I could make new rules and blah blah but she made me see that basically I cannot continue with Matched Betting, rules or no rules. I tried that and the rules cease to exist when you get into the wrong mindset. It has been very hard for me to accept this but I am onboard now. I have seen that I really cannot continue.
She says I am lucky to have recognised the problems before it created absolute decimation of my life and I have to agree. Overall, after starting to date I am still over £30k up form my Matched betting experience.
But inside I feel so much pain.
I don’t feel that I can make up for the damage I have done financially, and on top of that I am worried that I have damaged my brain somehow beyond repair.
After some dark recent days, were doing anything at all has been difficult I am again looking for light and hope. I see this as a good thing. I don’t know how or what I can do to try repair the damage but I am looking for it. A new side project of some sort or small business, who knows. But what I do know is that I am 100% done with this world of betting. And the relief I feel from saying that is a sign of how much it was costing me emotionally.
In recent days I am so deadpan sure that I wont return to this world that I feel invincible, but I have felt that way before and lost control so that is part of the reason I am here. If only to talk to myself I am sure it will help. I am here to start day 1 (now day 4 or 5 I think) only once. But I know it will not be easy, I know that at any moment I will be presented with a desire, a unique set of reasoned thoughts that will be trying everything to get me back gambling, get me back winning what I lost etc. I am terrified of this and thus I am here to keep my head on track and keep myself accountable.
I am not ready to throw my life away entirely and I couldn’t face hurting my family with this anymore.
Best
E.
Hi E
Losses were big and they will not come back - period.
Don’t think of it as losses as it will consume you, think of it as money that was conned out of you but in a legal way that you can do nothing about. Read Allen Carr’s book and get angry at the fact you have allowed yourself to be conned and from here on be determined never to be conned ever again.
I have 100% faith in you, I believe in you and you can do this.
Shaun
Hello E.
Everything Shaun says. Read Allen Carr author. Book called 'Giving up gambling' can get it as a audio maybe listen and jog.
Forget Chasing Rainbows.. Cannot bring back the money, you were conned by the system and no point fighting it. Cut your losses. Be determined to start your life again from this day forward. Great idea about a small business you have already proved you can do the books, and can work hard. Keep that pace. Be successful by your own means.
You can do this.
Keep going!
Bella xx
Hi Shaun and Bella. Thank you both so much for your kind words of encouragement and advice.
I am happy to have made it 6 days without any gambling.
During these days, and since I first posted here I feel much more contrast in my life. In the past couple months I have felt like my mood was a steady line of dull, diluted feelings. However, in recent days I have experiences some highs and some major lows, both of which I welcome in one way of another. I have had 2 distint moments of bliss feeling, just walking to town along the river two days this week and feeling free, happy and very appriciative of things around me. On the contrast I have spent some time, whilst trying to fall asleep feeling somewhat sorry for myself and dissapointed and angry at what I have/had become, how It happened. I see I had a picture of myself that was unrealistic and I am coming to terms with that.
I still have a major internal battle and one which I have been fighting daily, that is that I know I could go and make money again MatchedBetting etc, staying within my rules, and that would help recover my finances more. But I know I have tried that, multiple times in recent months and it failed hard and fast.
To put my recent demise into prospective. In the last 2 months, I gained 4kg, lost £70k when my mother came to visit during this time I don't now feel as though I was 100% present. But somewhere in the clouds. Devistating. No way I could risk this again. I know that I am done with that whole world now, and writing that has helped me cement that into my brain just a little bit more. This happened in just 2 months, almost rapidly, I feel like for a long time I have been a jenga tower, just wobbelling and waiting for more more piece to be extracted before a major croumble.
I took your advice Shaun, I read your post from my phone on the 25th and instantly bought that book for my kindle. It was a short but helpful read, and I got through it in two sessions. I have suddenly found myself with a lot of extra free time in the day which, thankfully, could be used more productively. I must say I found some of the book to be good news as I had genuine fear that I was forever destroyed from what I had done/become. And, seeing myself improving already is such great encouragement.
Also, on top of that. I have since coming on here and having a read of some Diarys here found a whole new respect for this problem, and for people trying to better themselves. Jesus, I spent an hour or two each day over the last few reading the Sticky diary on this page "Charly's Life", was totally taken aback, inspired and brought to tears, what a gift that lady left us, and what a legacy to leave behind.
Anyway, onto day 6 today and I hope to make it a productive one.
Best
E
Mate sorry to hear your story, take all the advice and never ever give them a penny ever again.
Cheers holycrosser.
Today, day 8. Enjoying the brighter moments I've experienced, but slight knocks feel far greater than they should.
Todays win was finally getting around to updating my finances. Since I decided to stop, 8 days ago. I have ignored my bank accounts and my own spreadsheets that I tracked my finances across banks and networth etc (I have been quite motivated on that front for some years). So today, I finally updated everything with great pain in doing so. Registering the massive losses ive taken into stone was a major shock, and an eye opener as to just how fast you can go from all to less than nothing. I feel somewhat more at ease since doing so, but mentally It took a bit out of me. Dragged up some feelings of (winning it back....) etc which I fought off. I feel fortunate to have been lucky enough to get out of this trap before it became much too late.
That is all for today. Have a great weekend all and fight on!
E
Day50 reached!
Happy to be at this point.
Been enjoying in the last months or so some outdoor activities a bit more until an old injury flared up which has grounded me for some time, fighting some demons due to that set back but I am sure I wont let it drag me back into even more misery.
Making a point of trying to motivate myself daily to do something productive even whilst injured which has been helping. Cravings for all things gambling have actually been fairly low which is great though I do feel the pain somewhat that I can't earn some additional funds and I have felt the little voice in my head saying, go on you will be able to control yourself this time etc on occasion which I have had to reason my way out of.
I have not been reading much on here lately as I found that just being involved in this topic was hurting me quite a bit in my earlier days so I just kept away from all things gambling related, including recovery diaries, though they did help me greatly to get on this path initially.
Anyway, hoping the next 50days will go by even smoother!
Take care all!
Dear @stalledodyssey ,
congratulations on reaching 50 days and congratulations on keeping the urges at bay. If you are a bit limited in what you can do outdoors due to injury, maybe you can have a look around if there are any hobbies you could pursue that don't require too much exercise. Keeping busy and keeping your focus on other things is so vital in recovery.
Wishing you all the very best in your ongoing journey,
Eva
Forum Admin
Hi All,
It has been quite some time and I have not quite had the desire to log in and remind myself further of this horror that I have experienced.
To give a quite update, and perhaps some assistance to those like me, I am happy to say that today is 120 days free for me. I have had one extremely tempting/challenging and course defining moment in the last 50 days or so however, somewhere I found the resistance to say no in that moment and here I am going one day at a time.
One very positive side effect has been that in the last 120 days or so, I have had no headaches (which I regularly would have in the past) which has been a great help!
Anyway, I continue on the path. It's good to feel more free and the pains are slowly diminishing.
Best of luck all.
Dear @stalledodyssey ,
huge congratulations on your 123 days GF, it sounds like you are really focused and are going strong.
I am pleased to hear that you've not experienced any headaches since you've stopped, this is probably down to a diminishing amount of stress and tension. I can imagine there will be some other positives that you have noticed since you are GF as well.
Keep going and keep focusing, as you can see, it is all worth it.
Wishing you all the very best,
Eva
Forum Admin
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