Messed up again. Day 1. Going to have to seriously change my life to beat this because its destroying me. Gambled away my money for bills yesterday and got rest of month to get through as well not really sure what to do about it.
Need to beat this. Ive had enough.
Morning.
I can recall posting on your thread two years ago and that day I wrote
Give recovery half the effort you give you gambling and the results will astound you.
Today I will simply add the words of a much wiser fellow than I
'To repeat the same thing over and again and expect the outcome to change is the definition of madness'
A Einstein.
Apt and for me the mantra of the compulsion to gamble
'I cannot win because I cannot stop.
A mantra I dedicated more than twenty years to, the outcome inevitably the same.
To a new mantra provides the polar opposite.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Hiya Duncs I know I often read your diary and admire how well you have done with your recovery! I just seem to go a few weeks at a time then relapse! It's true what you say though. 2 years as well what a joke that is to be burying my head in the sand for that long.
Head is an absolute mess this morning. What can I do to really beat this? I've tried counselling, i've tried self exclusion, i've tried handing finances over, i've tried talking to people close to me but the outcome always ends the same in the end as I always find a way to break these blocks. There are some aspects of my life i'd love to change such as my job, getting fit etc but motivation is very low because of this.
Today I can only try to look at this as a fresh start. I don't know how to repair the money damage this month.
Day 2. Working then well needed few beers with the lads tonight. Im going to plan a ga meeting next week and over the next week once ive got a bit of time im going to self exclude from all the places ive had a bet in since I moved away from home.
I am going to change my life for the better and seek happiness within myself. Trying to let go of the losses and my mistakes but that feels hard at the moment.
Manged to get through three days feeling a little better although had a lot of urges.
Managed to self exclude from w**********l near where I live and all the others that I sometimes pass when out and about after/before during work. Will get some more passport photos to exclude at some more next week. Was quite a relief and a bit liberating excluding.
Will have a serious think the next few days how to put my all into recovery and what to do differently this time.
Ga is an option and so is restarting counselling alongside finding more enjoyment/things to focus on outside of my relationship with the mrs and work!
Day 4. Looking forward to spending some time with the mrs today not seen each other since monday going to cook for her and have a lazy day!
Good to hear from you on chat sorry about the circumstances have a read back over this diary. You said all the right things on days 3 and 4 from what you are saying you never got the extra photos did the counselling it went to GA. could be a plan to start back there and do these things.
Get back posting catch you soon
KTF
Hi Oldham yeah its been a tough week repeating the same mistakes. Came clean to the parents, been up and down like a yo-yo so it's affected my relationship with the mrs somewhat. Set up payment plans for all my debts this time so least i've been honest to myself and my parents.
Been very low really and had some urges this morning, fighting through them. Fully admit I am a compulsive gambling addict. I have been beaten up and battered by this.
I have two interviews for new jobs next week which would be great career progression, a massive payrise if successful and takeaway some of the triggers that have led me to relapse in my current job which have been tired, stress, bored, poor management/not valued. Really need to get my head straigh so can do my best and prepare for them.
Need to ring up about counselling again and self exclude from all shops i've bet in recently. It is also very clear that I must change the way I live my life so can build up self esteem and confidence and not return back to gambling.
Got through the day. Not been easy, prepared a little for one of my interviews.
I have the realisation that I am still young, my life is in front of me and i'm going to start making the most of it in an honest way. I dont want to put myself through this again or those close to me.
Morning diary. Just finishing work and off until monday now. Going to enjoy the weekend and keep myself busy and safe. I Find if I make a to do list the previous evening and get a structure to my day it makes things a little easier and gives me some focus.
Making a commitment to myself that for today I will not gamble. Its very tough at the moment but what other choice do I have!!
Mood has been incredibly up and down today. Anxiety has been a struggle as well. Made it through the football without a bet off out for a night out hopefully things will improve soon.
By writing in here hope it keeps me going.
Still gamble free.Quite tired from work. Feeling quite anxious, would be easy to gamble to cover up these uncomfortable thoughts. It wont be something that goes away easily if ever I accept that though and today I will not gamble.
Interview tomorrow very nervous but its a big opprtunity to make a massive positive change to my life.
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