Starting again

So today our washing machine decided to break. Just another string in the bow of things going wrong in the house. My partner got so angry and stressed and is frustrated about needing to spend money when we’re trying to save for a wedding. And my heart sank, my anxiety spiked and I felt a crushing inside that I have put my finances into the debt hole from my last stint online. My anxiety and depression overwhelmed me but I managed to keep myself appearing okay on the outside.

I came on here to look at support and saw on the new members forum partners of cg contemplating leaving and not wanting to get married and my fears multiplied. How can I tell him and leave it in tatters but then how can I not and expect him to be okay if he finds out?! I just need to sleep and try to calm myself down but my god am I so disappointed in myself that I went back!

But do want to say I haven’t gone back since starting this thread .. but the pain is still raw

So at work yesterday it was rather quiet and I needed to send some bank statements off for complaint I am making against payday company when I was heavily gambling. I decided to count up the total I gambled since starting in 2012. I have always ignored my last stint because it was in the past and I wanted to forget about it as I thought that would’ve helped in my recovery (and obviously didn’t!!) I have to say a flurry of emotions over came me when I realised how much it was. Yes some money I withdrew to then use again but it is a lot of money. Seeing it there in black and white has opened my eyes to how much I have wasted over these years.

I have to say it is s deterent tool for me in the future, I have saved the amount as a note on my phone so if I ever get an urge my go to is to that note and I hope it will stop me in my tracks.

In regards to my recovery, I have blocked myself from every single site I have used but as people say there are ways to find new sites and get around blocks if my mental state is adamant I need to gamble. But I am determined and have put in a number of strategies to not allow that to happen again.

2018 is going to be my year in accepting me for me, loving me for me, looking after myself like I deserve and be an overall happy person. I am so excited for this and cannot wait for my future. My past will always be a part of me and I embrace every decision and step I have taken, it is only one person who made every decision and that was me... no one forced me, there’s no excuses I can throw out there. Owning my actions and taking responsibility has been the biggest hurdle for me and thanks to my mum I have done just that.

Wishing everyone an amazing new year and hope that those who have identified as being an addict will overcome it.

So I am 64 days GF. Good. I’m not going to lie and say I am happy with it as I know it could’ve been so much better if I hadn’t relapsed. But I will persevere. No more urges to do it, I have committed myself to goals of living a healthy life and I have focused my attention on that. Tomorrow will mark my first week of full healthy eating and I have to be honest and say I feel so much better already!

Yes the money and betrayal is still there for me to remember but I am choosing to use it as learning instead of dwelling on this. I think once I’m out of debt my anxieties will reduce a lot as I want to save money not spend it paying back money that I have nothing to show for than sorrow pain and anxiety.

Reading back my journal I remember writing the first post and the emotions I had, but from there to now I am a different person. And I am proud of that.

I accept me for me, a CG who can get moody and stubborn but one who can now accept her actions are her own and no one else’s.

84 days gamble free. Am I happy in myself? Mostly. Am I feeling any urge to gamble? No. Do I have lots of money now? No, as I am paying off my debts. Do I see an end to this cycle? Yes.

I have been reading some posts on this website recently and can’t help but notice in some occasions the opinions of some outweigh the support they are trying to offer. In my situation I have not told my partner and I guess it can be argued it is partly due to self preservation but it is more around ruining both our lives for the sake of a minor relapse. Since this time I have had my realisation moment, I have taken full responsibility for my actions and understand now it has been me all along and to stop hiding behind the term addiction or blaming the bookies for luring me in. I have stopped being the victim and taken action in my mind.

I have told two of my loved ones who have been supportive throughout, as I know they always will be no matter what I face in my life. Their support has been mixed, with some tough love and hard to hear words. But this too helped me climb out of my victim pit I had wedged myself into.

I say today and every day I will never be in that position again, and I firmly believe it. I know it is hard to understand, and it is hard to explain but I know that it is the truth. The changes mentally I have gone through recently have given me a new perspective on everything and gambling is not something that I am interested in. I know for purposes of my recovery I need to continue to read peoples stories and post on my diary to remind me of where I am now and the issues we all face when we gamble. But I do not have daily thoughts of gambling or wanting to do so. I know once my loan is paid off this year I will finally be done with the debt. And my god will I be ecstatic on that final day.

Here’s to always looking at the next steps whilst remembering what we’re leaving behind on this journey.

94 days gamble free. No urge, still can’t fully forgive myself for the situation I am in but I’m looking forward and learning from the past. Onwards and upward

128 days gamble free, where has the time gone?! Recent issues with the house has made me so angry that I got myself in this position and so annoyed that I was covering up my decisions by saying it’s not my fault I am an addict and can’t help it. It was my fault, I did it and that’s that. That has been the biggest turn around for me. My partner doesn’t know, I have been so strong with defeating this for the last time I have my support network in place and everything is gone as it should be. The only way is forwards, never back.

176 days gamble free. Feel goood about this. My way of dealing with this finally has been to accept responsibility for me actions and to work out the amount I spent on gambling. Realising the amount I have spent was huge! I always ignored this amount only thinking about the last time I did it. I’m glad I did it but it was extremely hard. One of the drives of gambling was being in debt, which I was in because of gambling in the first place! Come October I won’t be in debt anymore, I will be free of debt and be free to save up for my honeymoon and to do things to our house. I am beyond excited

201 days free. Not a day goes by that I miss it or wish I could do a little spin.. I am repulsed by it!

I am so glad I finally listened to the tough love from my mum and accepted responsibility for my actions and my situation. As with anything the only person that stands in your way of being the best you is you! No matter what way you put it.. I also find keeping a note of the amount I’ve wasted over the years helpful to fully understand what I’ve wasted so it acts as a deterrent.

Congratulations btapp you've done amazingly well very proud of how far you've come. Keep going you've definitely got this

Hi Btapp,

Congratulations on your 202 days gamble free, it looks like you are working really hard at your recovery and are reaping the rewards.

Keep up the good work and keep posting.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Haven’t been on here in a little while .. 282 days gamble free now. Still not wanting to do it, happy in myself and next month is the last payment on my loan! I have to admit years ago I didn’t see a way out of debt but I’ve kept on and made over payments and here I am. Yes it’s been hard in believing in me and keeping myself happy but I’ve been on a journey and it doesn’t stop. So pleased I have (to my best ability so far) beaten this!

362 days GF. My loan is finally paid off but I do have a credit card now which is 0% for 32 months balance transfer to pay but that’s completely manageable!

I feel so much better knowing the loan is gone, my last tie to the gambling issues in my life. I don’t have the urges to gamble or do anything like that I am just happy living my life. Hope everyone else is doing well