I went up to bed for an early night but can't sleep...too many thoughts going through my head. Today is my day 3 of no gambling. I feel positive and full of hope but at the same time full of regret, shame and disgusted with myself.
Since coming back to this site after joining a year ago and failing, I have spent hour upon hour reading through diaries and recovery stories. Whilst those in recovery have given me a glimmer of hope that I can one day be where they are, I feel so sad and angry for those still struggling like myself. I know that each and every one of us is here for the same reason but the complete devastation that this horrible addiction has inflicted on the lives of so many is heartbreaking.
It has taken me a year since I first joined to realise the extent of my problem and want to quit for good. From my very first posts on here I had every good intention to begin with but I now realise I was not ready. It scares me to think where I will be if I do not beat this and that is just not an option anymore. I have two children who are my world and should have been my focus but I have let them down so badly, preferring to press a button on a slot rather than them being my sole priority. I feel ashamed and many times have felt they would be better off without me. Apart from my sister and an auntie who does not live nearby, I am literally all they have got in this world and they deserve so much more. I need to do this for them.
After reading some comments left on my previous post on the new user forum, I have been sat thinking where this all began and what has made it progress. The sudden loss of my mum and constant support in my life certainly did not help nor did the breakdown of a previous relationship which ended very badly but at the end of the day the choice to gamble was mine,and these horrible events in my life did not make me do it. I just cannot seem to pinpoint exactly when it became a real problem for me.
I also understand that by coming clean to the few people in my life would help towards my recovery but at the moment, I feel I am not ready. I think the starting point for me would be to write a letter to my nearest and dearest in the hope that one day soon I can give it to them and hope they will support me. I do not expect them to understand something which I do not understand myself but I hope I can gain their support and encouragement to beat this.
As I have already mentioned in my previous posts, my partner is a recovering gambling addict. Whilst when he was at his worst I did not consider to have a problem myself in comparison to his, I continued to gamble in secret behind his back as I did not want to set him off track. It seems completely ridicilous that I have been there through his heartache and seen the misery this has inflicted on him, yet I still continued to do it myself and became progressively worse. The arguments and problems that were caused between us through his lying and deception was unbearable, yet here I am now doing the same thing. It is disgusting. I know I need to tell him and again, in time I will when I have come to terms with the mess I now find myself in. I don't know how or why but if we stand any chance of a future together I know I need to come clean. We cant continue with a relationship based on lies.
Looking to the future, all being well and with the hope that I can beat this, I am starting Uni in September so I can have the career I have wanted for so long. I was due to start this degree just before my mum passed five years ago but had to drop out as I no longer had the support with my children as I was on my own at the time. Since then I have continued to work part time and manage to get by, with many struggles along the way thanks to chasing many losses. I need to beat this so I can further myself in life for myself and my children and become the person that I want to be.
For today, I am happy I have come back to this site and hope I can continue on my recovery with the support from others who know how hard this horrible addiction is. I wish everyone the best and look forward to many more success stories. Thank you for taking the time for those that have already provided me with some much needed support.
Approaching the end of day four and feeling that little bit stronger. Had a busy day at work and for small moments, I actually felt like myself again. Went on an unexpected trip out after work with the other half and my son, and for a couple of hours, I actually felt normal and was able to fully enjoy myself. These little things are what is it all about and spending precious time with my loved ones. Still early days for me, but four whole days gamble free is a small achievement. Arrived home to Alan Carr's book which had been delivered, so off to bed to get stuck in. So glad I also have Gamban on all devices as it literally has taken away my ability to visit those dreaded sites. Without it I would have gambled these last four days and would be suffering with 'gamblers depression' after another loss. Here is to another day gamble free, stronger and more determined than ever. All the best everyone.
Hi Clare,
Well done on your decision to stop gambling. You’ve made a great start.
Your comment about not being ready before certainly resonated with me. Only now that have I decided to give up for good and I have fully accepted that I will never gamble again, do I feel I am truly ready to quit.
Beforehand, I was not serious. I couldn’t see it at the time of course but looking back, its now clear that I was never willing to fully let it go. I was always trying to give up for a month, 3 months, a year with the view to ‘treating’ myself to a gamble session at the end of it.
Firstly, I rarely got as far as a tenth of the way through my planned period of being GF anyway and secondly, allowing myself to gamble at the end was flawed beyond belief. There’s no such thing as a ‘harmless gamble’ to a compulsive gambler.
Life is so much better now. I no longer look back at the money lost, it’s happened, I can’t change it now, only forwards towards to a life free of gambling.
Keep strong and best of luck
Thanks Ukds69 for taking the time to comment. I have finally realised that gambling has to go for good and is not an option. Feeling stronger everyday but there are still times, and there will be many to come, that I feel so down about how I got here. Despite this, I know I need to concentrate on the future and move on. Well done on 43 days, I look forward to being where you are and living life as I should. Thanks again!
Hi Claire,
Many thanks. It’s great to see you are still doing so well.
You are so right of course, it really is not an option. If we don’t accept gambling will no longer be a part of our lives, then we will end up gambling again, it really is as simple as that. I have discovered that the hard way...
It took so long for me to understand and then finally accept this. The slots had become like a friend to me. Always welcoming when I’d had a stressful day. Always there for me. Never judging. Now I can see this ‘friend‘ for what they really are. Conniving, manipulative and evil.
It’s good that you obviously realise there is no such thing as a perfect linear recovery. We need to be prepared for those days / periods when we just don’t feel 100%, if not that can be a relapse trigger in itself.
Keep up the great work Claire! 🙂
Well done Claire and together we are all stronger. Keep up the gf days and look towards your bright future. We have got this xx
Hi Claire
Thanks for reading my diary and for your kind words. You are doing a great thing and congratulations on nearly reaching your first week gamble free.
I hope you eventually reap the rewards of breaking this addiction.
Matt
Thank you everyone for the kind words and encouragement.
Today is 7 days gamble free - no urges and feeling better than I have in a very long time.
Alan Carr’s Easyway To Quit book has really made me see gambling in a different light and for what it really is. This is something I would highly recommend for others to try.
This is the first weekend I have woken up and looked forward to doing ‘normal’ things, instead of waking up from a late night Friday binge and the gut wrenching feeling from yet another loss. Also knowing I have proper blocks in place takes away any thoughts of ‘just one more little gamble’ from the back of my mind.
It will take me a long time, if not years to get out of my financial mess and I have finally accepted that I am where I am and at least it cannot get any worse. Although I have little left this week, I have more than I would have following another failed attempt to win some back.
I wish everyone the best of luck in their recovery and hope everyone has a happy, gamble free weekend.
ClaireB wrote:
Thank you everyone for the kind words and encouragement.
Today is 7 days gamble free - no urges and feeling better than I have in a very long time.
Alan Carr’s Easyway To Quit book has really made me see gambling in a different light and for what it really is. This is something I would highly recommend for others to try.
This is the first weekend I have woken up and looked forward to doing ‘normal’ things, instead of waking up from a late night Friday binge and the gut wrenching feeling from yet another loss. Also knowing I have proper blocks in place takes away any thoughts of ‘just one more little gamble’ from the back of my mind.
It will take me a long time, if not years to get out of my financial mess and I have finally accepted that I am where I am and at least it cannot get any worse. Although I have little left this week, I have more than I would have following another failed attempt to win some back.
I wish everyone the best of luck in their recovery and hope everyone has a happy, gamble free weekend.
Hi Claire, well done on getting your first week chalked off. It’s amazing how we all seem to be enjoying the little things once again, we can look back and see how gambling robbed us of so much more than just the ££££££’s
I’m away seeing my partners family this weekend, I’d usually be up early go get my football bets and rudely glued to the phone all day. They’ll be none of that today, they might even get some conversation out of me! Have a great GF weekend 🙂
Very disappointed in myself - back to day one today. Had a major clearout and came across a very old tablet, accessed online gambling sites and did the usual. Not that much in comparison to previous gambling but still feel a failure. Blocks now in place and cannot access anymore.
Just feel angry and upset with myself. Was trying to be productive and have a clear out in readiness for an upcoming house move and did not expect to be faced with temptation. Thought I was alot stronger than I am.
Spent the past hour trying to work out how to delete posts and was going to rejoin under a new user name out of sheer embarassment that I have let myself down. But I need to be honest with myself and others as I know this is part of the recovery.
Anyway, enough with the self pity. This is me admitting I have relapsed and I know I need to move on and not dwell on something I cannot change. Sorry for letting others down after all of the support and here is to a gamble free day. Take care everyone.
Stay strong Claire, you'll be very disappointed in yourself right now, so use that as your strength the next time temptation comes your way.
All the best Claire, stay strong and gamble free.
Thanks Hayward for leaving a message.
Cant help thinking, if I hadnt had a clear out yesterday I wouldnt have relapsed. Why didn’t I put the block in place immediately? Why wasnt I strong enough. Having to remind myself whats done is done and the damage could have been worse but just goes to show, no matter how well you think you are doing the temptation is always going to be there. Just need to make sure that all blocks are in place - which as far as I am aware everything is now covered.
I know in a couple of days I will have moved on from this episode, just need to refocus and learn from my mistakes.
Thanks again and take care.
ClaireB wrote:
Thanks Hayward for leaving a message.
Cant help thinking, if I hadnt had a clear out yesterday I wouldnt have relapsed. Why didn’t I put the block in place immediately? Why wasnt I strong enough. Having to remind myself whats done is done and the damage could have been worse but just goes to show, no matter how well you think you are doing the temptation is always going to be there. Just need to make sure that all blocks are in place - which as far as I am aware everything is now covered.
I know in a couple of days I will have moved on from this episode, just need to refocus and learn from my mistakes.
Thanks again and take care.
Hi Claire, what’s done is done at least you’ve had the clear out now so you know there’s no other devices you can use. You’ve done so well, you know what to do so it doesn’t happen again. Have a great week
Thank you for posting on my diary Claire. I agree with your sentiments entirely and feel inspired by your positive attitude.
What's done is done. We can't change it but can learn from it and move on.
Me, you and a few others have just embarked on a fresh journey of recovery. Let's hope we can all keep our resolve, stay focussed and confidently overcome this insidious addiction. We will most likely experience some negative emotions and have the occasional off day but we can always so no to temptation. It is our choice after all is said and done.
I would like to follow Sharon's example. She joined the diaries just before me and has stayed gamble free for 452 days. Like me she had debts, was racked with guilt and felt remorse but unlike me she stayed on the recovery road and didn't surrender.
It is within our power to say no to gambling. Stephen x
Hi Claire,
Been there got the T-shirt... Probably got over hundred t-shirts... 🙁
But it’s done, look forwards, never backwards. You can’t change it now. But do try to use it to your advantage. By which I mean, look at it as yet another layer of determination that you have now gained, use it to beat this thing.
For me, that’s exactly how it worked. For years I kept relapsing thinking I was just going further and further backwards but in fact I think it was actually more like 3 steps forwards, 2 steps backwards. As long as you are determined to give it up (importantly, to give it up for good), these experiences, these relapses all add up and will eventually tip the balance in favour of being able to give up.
I’m not sure if I’ve explained that very well 🙂 but it was a bit of an epiphany moment for me a couple of months back.
Keep strong x
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