Hi everyone,
I'm new. I last gambled yesterday morning (25/05/16) and today after reading through some things on here I've decided a diary might be helpful. Yesterday was a difficult day. My husband arrived home 4hrs early from work unexpectedly. I knew something was wrong when I looked at him. "I know" he said. "I know about the credit card". I think actually I'd been less and less careful over the past few months, maybe I wanted him to find out. I don't know, and I don't know a lot of things about this whole problem actually. I've been gambling a long time. Always the same, bingo sites and slots online. 8yrs I estimate but with a few periods of time during then where I have abstained for a few months at a time. I started when I was unhappy in my last marriage, I have suffered with bouts of depression and anxiety for nearly my whole life and the more I think about it, the more I can relate feeling down to heavy bouts of gambling. As time progressed it was feeling down and being bored. I would spend every penny and then get even more anxious about how I would fix that problem. In the beginning I was already in debt, several credit cards and a few loans that my ex husband and I had wasted on frivilous things and we were barely getting by. I never thought I would be this person, one of the people who 'chased' the money I lost but I was, am even. It started as a distraction and it became a problem. About a year ago I first confessed this whole issue to my husband. We'd been married a month and he was really angry, understandably so. We did the self exclusion together, he took away my credit card, paid off the debt and that was that. For about 4 months I didn't even think about it. Then I did and as a result of changing my name I knew I'd be able to sign up to one of the sites again. So I did it again and it started small, I thought to myself that I would be able to control it this time, but I didn't obviously. So now my real journey starts. I don't want to feel guilty all the time like I do. I started my own business from home in February and that doesn't help as I do have a lot of time free whilst it is building up in volume. I've never admitted my problem to anyone before, my husband is the only one who knows. I still feel like I'm not ready to tell anyone else. I feel so ashamed about it. But this is the start, I've signed up here, I've done my permanent self exclusions to all the sites and I've sent off an enquiry about counselling because I find it difficult to talk about it, maybe that will help me. I've started looking for jobs and applied for a few today, I really think being home all day is a bad place for me as not only do I have lots of time but I also don't interact with anyone which is bad for my confidence. I see such a difference in myself from a few years ago when I was a middle manager in a big company to today where I don't believe in myself anymore. I feel like a bad person, my husband, my family, they just don't deserve this.
I need to do this. I don't really feel like I want to right now but I have to face it sometime so I'm starting down the road and hoping I can find the strength to stick at it and the courage to admit when I'm struggling.
Hi Orp, welcome to recovery 🙂 & go you having the strength to put it out there in cyber space that gambling is a problem 🙂 It's a crucial 1st step in learning to live with this curse that is addiction & although you may be scared & recovery may be a rollercoaster ride @ times, I'm yet to find someone living it who regrets the fight!
It's true your family don't deserve this, but you're not a bad person, as my friend Ade2 once pointed out to me, we just took a wrong turn! I can see you trying to figure out what came 1st the depression or the gambling but from what I have learned in the last few months is you probably gambled to escape @ some point & then the 2 became inextricably combined! It's a vicious cycle of broken dreams & heartache because we cannot win as we cannot stop!
Breaking the gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle is vital in these early days as although there is often a way round any barriers that we put up, they buy us time whilst we ride out the urges! Getting away from the environment that you do your damage in is such a brilliant idea...I think the quote is 'if you hang around the barber's shop long enough, you'll eventually get a cut'!
I also think the counselling is a great idea...Finding out what your triggers are means you are better able to identify & deal with them!
Welcome aboard, now strap up tight & never let go, it's time to get to grips with life - ODAAT
HIOrp , I'm just off to work but wanted to say a big well done on recognising and admitting you have a gambling problem and also to welcome you to the forum. Facing up to our problem and actually doing something about it is one of the hardest things to accept , so from here it only gets easier , youv'e already set some blocks in place ie the exclusions and that's really important , we call it keeping the Time , money , location triangle broken , so remove one and you cant bet . Others will be along shortly tro answer any questions you feel like asking or contact gamcare for anything else you need to know .
It will get better , despite what you may feel at the moment I promise , I came here 9 months ago , pretty broken and haven't gambled since so I know what I'm saying is true , a bit of time is all you need for the fog to start lifting and you'll see thgings a lot more clearly .
Sorry for the short post , but I'm just off to work but wanted to let you know your not alone as everyone here understands exactly how you feel right now .
Talk to you soon and welcome to recovery !
Alan
Just seen ODATT's beat me to it ! , see what I mean :)))
Thanks so much both for the words of encouragement. I'm feeling a bit better already.
Just call me Lightening 😉 (That's our Pops Orp, he's a bit slow & old & if he were a racehorse, well, he wouldn't be, small children would be using him to stick bits of tissue to card but he's a good friend to travel this journey with!)
Thank's ODAAT I might be old and at work now but Im not deaf and still have my phone ! If I were a racehorse Orp , I 'd finish so far behind the rest of the field , I'd have to take my shoe's off for fear of waking the other's !
Bet your'e glad you came hear now Orp eh? , you can see how we spend our day's in recovery !! :))
Take care you two !
Welcome Orp, great move coming here. I too have an online slots problem and have self excluded myself from the necessary sites. Good luck, it can be done... I'm currently on Day 29. It's going well and I really want to understand why i'm so drawn to the horrible things. Keep strong and all will be better...
Young enough to use a mobile for posting so there's still life in you yet Alan!
Tee hee, welcome to the club Orp 🙂
Recovery's tough, just coming here & feeling human is sometimes enough to chase the clouds away!
Yes ,and thank you Orp for your kind comment , :))
Odatt , please observe post No 9 from a very kind lady and take note !! .
x
Hey...welcome...coming here will be the best thing youve done towards a brighter future...i arruved here 130 odd days ago....a broken lady. ..who like you had fallen to the online slots....fast forward to today... ( all my ups and downs are in my diary...feel free to go look )...and I'm happy...confident and strong...and living again....so yep it can be done....and you will meet some cracking people along your journey in here who will pick you up when needed and offer you some wonderfull advice..as for "" pops"...well ...what can I say...he's the community cod father : )
Good luck love...you can do it...one day at a time x
Community cod father.....love it!
My husband is on his way home from work and we're going out tonight to get a lockable post box to replace the letterbox so only he has the key. He's worried I'll take out a load of loans credit cards if he takes control of the money. I understand it. I'm not sure how I feel about it though. But I keep saying to myself that it's for the best and I need him to do it. I need him to take the control so that even with temptation, it's impossible to gamble. Anyway, I'm signing off for now. Thank you so much for the words of wisdom and support. I will look up K9 later as another barrier can only be a good thing.
I use my bb providers parental controls...I'm with bt...and I can block all gambling related stuff...another little saftey met...try to get a good night's sleep.x
Thanks Half-Life. I do agree. The post box is in place. I've downloaded the K9 software and my husband is going to do that this evening. I totally agree that I need these things in place to put as many barriers in the way as possible. I also know that it's totally reasonable to expect a lack of trust from my husband on these things and that I need to prove myself over time. He's always had control over the majority of the money we have anyway as I've always been a bit 'if it's there I have to spend it' (even without the gambling side) and he's much more sensible.
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