Staying out of the ZONE (T2)

Day 10 of my 100 challenge for doing a sketch journal and my coda work aslo day 10 gamble free. I just keep on ticking. T2

How are you doing Tara?

Thank you for posting on my diary Tara. I hope you have been having a good day and are feeling ok.

Im chasing

It's 2018 and I'm back. The refuge recovery inventory is a series of questions and the first set of questions are about suffering... every angle and facet of suffering related to life and addiction. I checked out my trail of threads and posts on this sight just a few minutes ago. The greatest feeling that I have about a couple more years passing by is that I'm still on the recovery journey and I'm not giving up because??? because I'll die if I give up and give in. Seriously, the rope of hope and gift of life is my focus. Doing some work with the inventory that I mentioned is helping me to get a grip. I've had relapses but I keep pulling myself together. I have to. I am. tara2

In my past, there were endeavors that were healthy for me to focus and pursue which took of alot of my time /focus and interest. One was yoga & another was different types of dance. I'm now putting my time into this journey and piecing together a fresh start. Part of this journey needs to be an exploration of finding endeavors that really grab my passion and interest. Today, I feel raw and impressionable. One post that I read effected me in a way that shook the foothold that I'm trying to get. All things pass. I do have goals. I need a little time to solidify some new choices about my future work, direction, dreams. ahhh. Doing the inventory with Refuge Recovery Book really cracks open the cacoon . tara2

Hi, tara2 here. I decided to revisit my first diary and read through it. I thought I'd just continue with this thread from this point. Even though I've continued to struggle and I've been seeing this addition play out , I'm still knowing that I'll read through this diary in the future and have lots and lots of time between that day and the last time I felt that I needed to go to the slot zone. I know too much and am too aware of this compulsive process addiction ... it's been going on for way long enough. I'm worn out. I like slogans of GA. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yes, that is me. tara2

I'm feeling a relief in some exposure of the details of how the addiction was still playing out for me. Also honoring my path instead of trying to erase previous attempts ... each try... each step along the way has been a step with intention to get past this. Compulsive gambling is progressive. Today I'm liking the idea of progressive recovery . I so much want to know what it will feel like and look like to have a couple years between myself and my last bet. How badly do I want that? How willing am I? I am working on 100 percent commitment and honesty on this journey. Only 100 percent will give me the strength I need. tara2

Spring / cold, wet , refreshing, renewing, raw. Let's sprout up like plants reaching towards the sun and believing that life itself is worth living. tara2

I'm looking forward to doing NEW things on my days off this week. tara2

Staying home due to sickness today. Two days off and I need to take care of myself. I know it's one day at a time , of coarse. Stay in the moment. Yet, I really want to get past the 6 month mark because it's been a long time since I was able to even do that. I did 3 months and two months many times and I think that 6 months happened around 4 or 5 years ago. I had almost a year gf in the early stages when I first decided that I had a problem but once I started back it all got worse than ever because I had no education about gambling addiction at that point. It was just me doing it on my own with shear will power. I did not know enough or have enough support to see that that year was something to hold onto. I hope for a time of no reason to count because I simply don't gamble anymore. tara2

Hi Tara hope you get better soon . I wish you all the best on this journey we are all on . you will get to 6 months gf just got to believe in yourself try to stay positive . Its so hard at times ive been having more urges just recently probaly cus i actually have some money for a change . Wish you all the best Bambi x

Thx. Bambi! Great that you have that money. I hope that it feels so good that you use it for something special. I still have some money in my wallet today and I hope to not drain it ever again on my days off. tara2

It does feel really good to finally have a little left over to be honest i just want to save money now i dont want to spend or treat myself weird really when i was throwing money down the drain constantly . Maybe when ive paid everyone back and got my debts down i might . Take care x

I totally understand Bambi! I am a frugral person, I always have been, aside from compulsive gambling. This is the insanity of it all. tara2