Take 2 this times for real

HI Shorty,

Maybe its the addiction making you beleive that its part of you ?

We can not win, because we can not stop !!!!!!

Self exclusion helped me when my resolve was low, You talked in your post on friday about debt i hope that £308 in credit doesnt become a debit and add to your debt.

I tried to control my gambling for years and failed badly every time, for me the only way is total abstience.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Blondie 🙂

Had to go n f**k it all up didn't I. Took over a week but I finally managed to lose control. Not a huge mess, in realistic terms not even lost what I pay off the debts every month but the loss feels huge n I am in despair. Amazing how a strong vodka eases the pain tho.

So this last stint has finally confirmed that no matter what the scenario n no matter how well u think u can control it it just can't b done. Not going to willow in self pity going to take it on the chin n move on. It's all a learning curve.

Will take me a month now to get back on track which is doable. I would like to say I'm surprised at myself but I'm not am just thankful I left when I did n withdrew the 250 that was still my account could have easily just said f**k it n stuck it all on black.

Hi shorty, im new to this site and still trying to find my own resoolve, i have just read through your complete diary from last year and the first thing that struck me is how well you have been doing, but how poor you feel you have done. You have done amazing things in the last year and i hope in a years time i can say the same. Whenever that urge comes go for a walk, get out of the house, right now that is working for me im hoping it stays that way, keep the faith shorty your doing fantastic x

Day 1....reworked the finances this morning, will be back on track by the end of August and will still be able to make a few overpayments on the credit cards and have money for going out etc. Isn't it weird after a bigish loss you actually feel relieved that its all over?! There is no doubt in my mind now that there is no possibility of me gambling as I have pretty much exhausted all avenues of credit apart from my overdraft which is joint with my husband and therefore I would never risk dipping into it too much as I don't want him to start asking questions.

Could bloody kick myself after yesterday. Had the opportunity to be in a really good positon but just couldn't f*****g walk away could I. But then again it would only have been a matter of time before I screwed it up eventually. Thats the sad and real fact of the matter - doesn't matter how much you are up....you will ALWAYS end up losing eventually. I never really truly believed that until now. I had really convinced myself last week that if I could manage it better I could end up a winner - what a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Sarah's message really cheered me up last night, it was just what I needed. I have come a long way in the last year and I have paid a STAGGERING amount of money off my debts and I reckon with all the blips I've had I'm probabaly only slightly down on the gambling front.

Have a fantastic weekend planned, been looking forward to it for ages and I am not going to let yesterdays events ruin it.

Here's to the next attempt.....

Shorty

Hi shorty, glad you are feeling a little better, glad i managed to cheer you up, i'm begining to realise that it doesnt matter how many days free you are it is still in you on a bad day to go back to gambling wether it be to pass the time, to make you feel better, to ease the stress or many other reasons every day should be treated as your first day that way you have no comparison other than what you used to do. Work out how much you have saved and payed off in the last year and look at that figure every time you feel the need to gamble again that should give you a reason to continue, hope you have a fantastic weekend sarah xxx

Day 4...back to 'normal' life after my week of awfulness. Is a relief to not be constantly thinking about it to be honest and for the first time ever I am not missing the excitement.

SO tired today, had a brilliant weekend but I need some R&R for a couple of weeks now!!!

July already. Will be soon be Christmas 🙂 my favourite time of year 🙂 when you can just be happy getting in your comfy woolly jumper and cuddling up on the sofa infront of the TV!

Not much else to report. The pain of last week has faded, finances are manageable and I think at this present moment in time I'm too tired to give a S**t about anything lol! xxx

lol shorty, dont scare me with christmas already!!!! Glad you have managed to put the blip behind you and get back to moving forward, if we can all make it to christmas without to many more blips then we will all have something to celebrate. Funny how emotionally draining and tired you can become with all the stress and worry of gambling and hiding it, take some time to chill and do some things for you take care sarah x

Day 5....some niggling urges but nothing more. As per yesterdays post I can't be @rsed doing anything so I feel safe at the minute.

My brain is empty today so not going to attempt to write anything deep and meaningful, just going to take each day as it comes and see how I get on this time round.

Thanks for your post Sarah! I LOVE Christmas lol. Sorry for putting it into your head so soon tho, I know a lot of people on here absolutely despise christmas because of all the extra money that has to be spent! xxx

Is it possible to hate yourself as much as I hate myself today? The losses from the last blip passed surprisingly quickly. Managed to lose another £200 last night, money I can ill afford to lose. God I DESPISE myself.

Toyed with the idea of starting a new diary but decided against it. I have been handed a lifeline as my request for an interest free balance transfer has been accepted. This will save me around £50 a month in interest.

Words can not describe how sick to the back teeth I am of myself today I just want to scream out so loudly and pull my hair out, maybe I should find a suitable place and just do that instead of bottling it all up inside! I so WISH i had the balls to tell someone about my problem!!!!! The shame of it would just be too much to take. I am a smart sensible person to the outside world but inside I am black and evil and filled with nothing but dread and fear that one day someone is going to discover the truth.

I have about 7 withdrawals waiting to hit my account now, the majority due tomorrow, the rest on Monday I expect. I have requested a 1 month cool off period from the site I was using and once the credits hit my account on Monday I will be self excluding. I think after this I will feel a whole lot better, and more fool me for not self excluding the first time round.

I am so tired of this disease. I can feel it beating me but I don't want it to. I have so much to live for and even with all the debt I can still enjoy a reasonably comfortable life. And 3 years in the grand scheme of things isn't really that big a mountain to climb to get to that debt free day.

Not felt this low for a long long while. I think when you first join this site you feel like you're at rock bottom but you have a lot of enthusiasm for your recovery....after being here for over a year now I still feel at rock bottom but am not convinced I can beat it.

God....help me please! I really need your help!

Shorty8 xx Day 1 - yet again.

Hi honey,

All I can say it is a disease , and that you are neither black or evil.

It's happened it's done , try to think forward not back, I know that is easy for me to say.

Self exclude , put on a block but you know all this already.

Stop beating yourself up, make a plan to fight this, a plan that will help you through this, post join GA , get counciling , tell someone , what ever you think you can manage.

But most of all be kind to yourself, dispair breads disparity . Disparity leads to needing to escape , escape for us is gambling .

Take care Hun

Dusty xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Shorty,

So sorry to read your post, ive just read your whole diary and my god it really is a roller coaster I see you had a really good run of 100+ days, so you can do it... I think somewhere along the line when we seem to be going round in circles something has to change because its not working.

When i came to this site 74 days ago i decided I was going to do whatever it takes to stop gambling, Im not prepared to give them one more penny of my money, one more second of my time and most importantly im not going to lose myself and become the person i hated when i gambled again.

I have had 1-1 councelling, its really helping me, I have my diary and I attend G.A meetings and quite frankly if someone said stand on your head for 2 weeks it will work I would do it.

You have to try and change what your doing, and also how your thinking and Im sure that seems impossible to you at the moment.

This ilness isnt a financial one, its an emotional one, I gambled because i was unhappy, I was hyding from life, I was scared, I was to busy settling for second best, I couldnt be arsed getting of my backside and doing something , I was bored, the list is endless for me, over time Ive realised that it isnt just about stopping gambling and holding on for dear life, its about making changes to you, yourlife style, What ever it takes.

You cant do this overnight It will take time and hard work and commitment but it can be done, small steps, small changes...

Your debt will take care of itself, try and turn your thinking around rather than think about years of debt, each day or hour that your repaying it, tomorrow it will be less than today and eventually it will be no more.

Its a very twee saying shorty but its proven very true for me "If nothing changes... Nothing changes".

There are lots of options out there shorty, but gambling isnt one of them.

Please dont give . Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, re-group, re-think and come back.

Blondie xxx

Thanks for your posts guys, they REALLY mean a lot.

You're totally right, if nothing changes....nothing changes and I SO want it to!

I really do agree that I am concentrating on the debt rather than the recovery. Getting out of that mindset is almost harder than stopping gambling for me but I am really going to try hard and live life day by day instead looking at my financial situation in 3 years time! A million things could happen between now and then!

I have deleted my financial spreadsheet that I WASTE SO many hours staring at - its pathetic! All I have now is a written list of bills that get paid on a monthly basis and I have set 2 alarms in my calendar at work, one for the 16th and one for the 28th of the month when I need to make payments that don't go by direct debit. I am so sick of calculating every last penny and aim to only think about money on these 2 days of the month. If I could just not look at my bank account for the next 3 years until all my loan payments end it would be perfect!

Anyway, thanks again for the support guys, I was in a bad bad place this morning. It seems to be lifting as the day goes on. I feel a bit more free now that I have deleted the spreadsheet and turning my thinking to my recovery rather than the debt has to be my number one goal.

Day 1 continues.....

Thats the spirit shorty.

Why not put as much effort into your recovery as you did your spreadsheet its a piece of paper at the end of the day, set up your financial plan which is something that you can aim for realistically, curve balls will come they always do, expect them. It wont change by staring at it, but it will change every day... Every day it is reducing and every day you dont gamble you are moving forever nearer to your goal.

Try not to think bigger picture for now, If i did that my head would fall off, rome wasnt built in a day, try and be patient.

Small realistic goals will start to make you feel a sense of pride, "ONE DAY AT A TIME". Everymorning say to yourself "Just for today i will not gamble" I can do anything for a day... It will all still be there tomorrow its just today im making the right choice and not gambling.

Be strong shorty, small steps always make up the bigger picture.

I shall be following your diary.

Blondie xxx

Hi Shorty,

Im quite new but remember reading your diary quite a while back. Read loads before registering!

Am sad to see you have not beaten this yet....You will beat this hun.

Am busy tomorrow but will re read your diary in full at the weekend. Till then chin up!

Sue xx

Hi Shorty,

You are a fighter and you have not got to lose that. I think you are right to keep the same diary. At this point it maybe an idea to read your own posts sometimes... especially when you feel like gambling. Make yourself a promise, that if you feel like gambling, before you do... come on here and read your own diary, and see the pain this is causing you. It is the same pain we have all been through and still continue to , to some extent. You need to call upon any and all possible diversions, to find that something that will work for you.. you just haven't found it yet.

Muster all the strength you can, and pls give yourself some time for the fog to lift.... even just to make it misty instead of foggy... time to breathe and time to think.

I will follow your progress. Keep posting and reading as ever... and prepare to fight for what you want.

You can do it... we all can do it.

Jon