Take 2 this times for real

Hi guys...I haven't fallen off the wagon again since my last post. I always find that after a binge I want to remain as far away from gambling as possible so i tend to avoid this site as I can't even bear to type or read about gambling!!

30 from 38 - I will check out your diary, will be nice to read your story if it is so similar to my own!

I guess I must be on day 10 now then. Double figures already. To be honest not really bothered about counting the days as I said before, it doesn't matter what bl00dy day you're on, the next day could be day 1 again!

Am in surprisingly good form. No thoughts of chasing losses etc etc. I got off lightly. A few hundred quid extra on the credit card I can deal with, I read of someone relapsing and spending 8k - my god am I glad that I didn't do that!

I had a thought this morning that this may be the way my rollercoaster goes until I am debt free. I know deep down in the guts of my being that once I am debt free I would NEVER jeopordise the happiness of my family again. I want them to have everything they have ever wanted but whilst the debts remain, will i be able to avoid the chance of paying them off a bit quicker (even though it never ends up that way!). I dunno....frankly I'm sick to the back teeth of thinking about it. At the minute I have no urge/desire/thoughts of gambling and that is good enough for me. If in 2 or 3 months time I get the urge and blow a few hundred again then I will deal with that when it happens. I have to keep reminding myself that I am paying off over a thousand pound a month! So for the 80+ days that I was gamble free I'd paid off nearly 3k! I am winning, I'm just not winning as fast as I should be lol.

thanks for your continued support guys, it really means a lot 🙂 xxxx

Day 18 - not a thought has crossed my mind in the last week. But that means nothing as in an instant that could go from no thoughts to £100 spins!

Day 24...not coming onto this site as much these days. Hasn't really affected my recovery. Think I needed a break from reading about it all the time but its still nice to drop in once in a while!

Looking forward to Christmas and lots of family time 🙂

Well tomorrow is back to day 1 for me. Can't seem to *** the spell. Think I gave up trying to be honest. Bored of failing now but also bored of going through the same cycle 🙁

Lost a few hundred quid. Can cope financially with the loss but each time this happens I feel more and more sick to the stomach. It is beating me and I can no let it for my own sanity!!!! I want to be nearly 60 days clear by Christmas. I know if i can get there this awful feeling will have gone. Luckily most of the xmas shopping is done so my recent loss wont affect us having a great Christmas.

I feel like a bad mother tonight. gambling and ignoring my 2 year old is one of the reasons I came here right in the beginning and yet I have sat here for most of the night while she has happily played beside me. Disgusted with myself, wish I could jump out of my body and give myself a good punch across the face because its what i deserve.

Also annoyed by the fact that I was actually up a few hundred quid and went out and had a bit of a spending spree so now not only have I splashed out on some clothes and present I have lost the money that I was meant to pay for them with. f*****g ridiculous. Why can I not learn???? Am glad I am so angry at myself. There is no self pity this time round just pure hatred and anger for myself. I know in a week or so i will be fine but right now I am not.

Will return to posting daily. No more slacking. I REFUSE to go into 2013 still repeating this pathetic, weak cycle of s***e.

Got a really nice email back from the place I just self excluded from...brought a tear to my eye. The number of online sites I have self excluded from and not ond if them has ever made me feel like this it's normally just some pre-written email but this sounded genuinely concerned for my well being.

Ok...I am ready for day 1...bring it the f**k on!!!

I do not want to reach 70 years old (if I make it that far) and look back at my life and feel like I have not lived life to the full because I have been battling this. I need to keep this thought in my head!!!! I am not the person I want to be, I am a better person when I am not gambling. I need to find the something that stops me when I get the urge for that first small 'harmless' bet! What is that something?!?!

OK...here we go again....Day 1. And I couldn't think of a better day to start....Halloween....what could be scarier than gambling again??

Slept surprisingly well and feeling even more surprisingly optimistic today. I think it's the relief that it's all over and done with, the money is gone and I can't afford to lose anymore so there is no other option that to get back on the wagon.

I have had a think about the triggers for my last 2 slips and both have started with boredom at work. I have literally been sat in work so bored and thought I'd have a few harmless sports bets. Sports betting is not my thing, I can take it or leave it and I would never put huge money on anything. But the sports betting always leads to the roulette table.

So now I need to think of something to do when I get these urges at work??? I have always wanted to write a book. Maybe not a book, maybe a short story and nothing to get published, just something that my close friends can read. I have led a, how shall I put it?! very colourful life with lots of funny stories and I would l really like to put them down. I love reading and when I'm reading these easy reading womens novel I do find myself thinking that I could do that. When I was at primary school and I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I used to say 'author'. Maybe nows the time to focus some energy to that to distract me from all this gambling s***e.

Anyway...yet again I have deleted my financial spreadsheet. To be honest the finances are OK until May 2013...everything on interest free so I am going to TRY and just not focus on the incomings and outgoings for once in my life. If I can just leave the bank account to its own devices for a while I know I will be pleasantly surprised in 6 months time. If I focus on my bank account I either want to gamble because I know I have a bit of spare cash, or gamble because I don't have enough cash.

Here we go again...

So sorry to hear about this but like you say, you are so desperate to stop and getting those self-exclusion in just shows that you are doing everything you can to do so.

Rather than just think about 2013 as being your year, don't forget that there are still two months left of 2012. Tomorrow is the start of a new month and concentrate on getting through the last couple of months without gambling and you'll have a much better Christmas that if you did.

Then you can really concentrate on 2013.

Be wary of that 'nice' e-mail from one of those gambling establishments. Just remember that they still took your money and see you as a customer that they would love to have back, no matter what sentimental reasons there may be. There is no such thing as a gambling establishment being caring a nice any more which is a real shame. They are now there for one reason only and that is to take money from us no matter how.

All the very best in your new quest for a gamble-free life, keep reading and posting if it helps.

NT

Thanks for your post NT. To be honest, I don't blame the bookies/casinos. I think it's like any other addiction. Some people can do things and enjoy them without it becoming a problem and other can't. For some reason I can take or leave cigarettes, alcohol etc but gambling is just an ongoing battle for me. If someone tried to stop every shop from selling drink I'd be pretty pee'd off just like the people who can control their gambling would be annoyed if all the bookies closed!

Anyway - day 2. In good spirits. trying to re-train my brain not to constantly think about bank balances. Its difficult because I am naturally a numbers person (probably why roulette is so attactive). I started writing down some ideas for my book yesterday. Not sure it will go anywhere or I will ever let anyone read what I have written but it will keep my brain occupied for a while and it's nice to do it because its all based on real life experiences which I have to say some of them are hilarious!

Back to work I go. And after today I will only have 3 more xmas presents to get 🙂 can't wait for Christmas :))))

So glad to hear that you are in good spirits. These recovery journeys of ours will really have their ups and downs and this little project of yours with your book sounds like a great idea.

You will have a customer here when it's published!

NT

awwww thanks NT! You never know, a change of career might be on the cards lol.

Day 3. can't believe it's Friday already! This week has flown by. Got lots to do this weekend, redecorating the house etc etc so no time to sit and mope.

Still trying to re-progamme my brain into not thinking about money. My god it is SO annoying. What I would give to be one of those people who just checked their bank statement once a month. I wish I could give up the finances to my husband but he is SO rubbish with money we would probably more likely lose our house!!!

Anyway, have a great weekend everyone - see you on day 6!

Morning,

I am now goodness knows how many days I am into this recovery process of mine but today feels like day 3 to me. Those urges do come back and usually when you least expect them.

However, I have plenty to keep me occupied and like you, I am desperate to make all the right choices at the moment.

If you checked your bank statement just once a month, you will not notice any possible fraud or transaction mistakes. So it's probably best to keep a really close eye on our finances, after all, we will really benefit from this vital skill when we are leading a gamble-free life!

NT

f****d up massively tonight money I could not afford to lose but I am glad that it happened because I have given myself a stern talkin to n cut up all my credit cards I now only have my debit card n I will keep it that way. I will not post again until I am on day 10 as I am sick of boring everyone with the same story over n over again.

I love my family I love my life I hate myself for this awful flaw that I possess! I am a good person apart from

This I have to beat it xxx

Rock bottom today trying to hold it together but it's not easy. Drink was a major factor last night so drinking at home alone is a definite no no from now on. I really need to get my head down for the next 6 months n start chipping away at this debt. I'm at the point now where I simply can not afford to lose anymore money which is kind of a relief but also terrifying. I can still afford bills etc...suppose I should count my lucky stars I didn't spend the other Money I deposited I would be really panicking now. So tired today but can't sleep thinking about all this. Hate myself. Sometimes I wish I only had me to worry about but I know that's stupid because I love my husband n little girl to death if it wasn't for them I think I would have given up completely. Wish I could go into rehab for the next 3 years n come out when the debts have gone but if I'm not working the debts will never go!!!

Think I might start a new diary under a new name I need a fresh start.

I wonder who you are now, shorty8? I did follow your diary, can't work out which one is yours now...is it a secret?