A Sense of Direction

I love you unconditionally sweetheart. I hope you know that. You still have that all important fire burning in your belly. Lets do this together mate. I am here for you every step of the way xx

Murlo x

Hey.. We are all entitled to a meltdown... I'd be more upset if you hadn't shared here with us.

You're loved.. 

❤️❤️❤️❤️?

Back to basics. 

I'm surprised by my Aunt's reaction to what I did. She said, and I quote, "you need to get a flippin* grip woman"! 

Now, I had thought that there was nothing I could say or do to make her hate on me but it seems that gambling again was the thing. She's super cross. I'm gonna pay back the money I owe her for the funeral and then do some massive social distancing. It's super easy right now cos of COVID. I'll just not bother with anyone. 

Anyways, getting on peoples nerves has made me feel alone but in a good way. I have always been by myself. I need to take care of me. It's not anyone elses job. Today I did the washing up, emptied the bin, refilled it with takeaway boxes from around the house, did the recycling, went to the bottle bank, two loads of washing and folded some clean laundry. That's a heck of a lot more than I have been doing. I am super proud. 

I went to evening prayer. Cleaned the Church ready for mass tommoz. Then I went to the pub with my mate T. 

Now I'm watching telly for a spell. Then bed. 

From now on I am gonna take care of me and not tell anybody in my support system when I feel like being bad or have been bad. It just makes them feel angry mad or upset. Neither is really helpful for me or them. I'll just use the Helpline here. 

D. 

*she dint say flippin but I ain't allowed to use the word she did us. 

I called Gamcare and they're like hey, call Cruise it's more appropriate for you you. Cos you're grieving and that. Everyone wants rid of me. Go someplace else. So i shall. I am done with talking with folks. 

Hi Drama,

Sorry if they weren't helpful & you feel fobbed off.  As far as wanting rid of you I for one most certainly don't want rid of you & I'm sure everyone else on here who've followed your progress from day 1 feel the same as i do. 

Best Wishes

AL

Good evening Drama,

I am really sorry you were left feeling this way, especially during such a difficult time for you. I really want you to know that we are not wanting to get rid of you.

I can assure you wholeheartedly that this is not the case and that we really care about you and your well being, even more so with what you are going through.

Whilst there was encouragement to contact Cruse, this is only because we want you to get all the support you can,  as you deserve to be supported, but this is on top of the support we can provide and not as an alternative to our service.

So I really hope you continue to use our service and know you are really welcome here, we want to continue supporting you and for you to use our services for support when you need to.

Take care Drama, 

ChrisK

Forum Admin

I spat my dummy out. I'm fine really. 

Groundhog Day. 

Gambled again last night/this morning. 

Blobbed Church today. Couldn't face it. 

Did one load of washing. Hoovered the lounge and kitchen. Went to the bottle bank and did two cleaning jobs. My Godmum called in with two more bags of clothes for me. I already own so many. I need to really sort some storage out. 

I had a bath and put some clean clothes on. Blue Superdry jumper. A white vest underneath cos it's cold today. Blue skinny jeans and my White Adidas with the pink souls. 

I had a Salami and Cheese toastie for breakfast and a Morrocan Spiced Chicken Soup for tea with Crusty Bread and some butter. It's progress on most days lately. I've eaten twice! 

A man came for a consultation with the dog to see if he can walk her during the day. For a man who fashions himself as a professional dog walker, he seemed super nervous. If there's one thing a nervous dog doesn't need, it's a nervous human looking after them. Instinct tells me he is NOT the guy for the job. However, have agreed to go for a walk with him tommoz at 3pm to see how he gets on. Then I'm gonna trust my instinct and let him down gently anyway. One should never ignore red flags. Learnt that lesson the hard way.  

That's all there is to say about today really. 

Drama x

Back to basics. 

That's what I've decided to do for the forseeable. I remembered a thing today from CBT at the NHS Northern Gambling Clinic. We had a chart. When we don't gamble, we put a / to show we are moving up. When we do gamble, we put a __ because it's not a downwards step. We didn't just lose all that gamble free time. It's not money. It's experience and you can't lose that. So all in all since I joined GC I have 420 /'s and 4 __'s. That's still a pretty healthy looking chart in my book. 

I got a good nights rest last night. I got out of my clothes and into a onesie that my Godmum gave me. As I was wearing that, I didn't suffer the cold drafts at night when I roll over. It makes such a difference sleeping by yourself. Whenever I roll over, I feel the cold side of the bed and it wakes me but this onesie was so toasty I slept all the way through till 8.30 this morning. I got a wash and put some clean clothes on. A pair of blue skinny jeans, a white long sleeved t-shirt with a blue sporty logo, kinda vintage looking and then a thin denim shirt that is so thin it looks like cotton so I didn't look like a cowboy or ought wearing double denim. I also put on my Timberland boots. The stone coloured ones. It was a cute a cute outfit.

I had a sausage buttie with fried onion and brown sauce and I remembered to take my meds without being prompted at all. 

I did one load of laundry and made a call to the tax office to change my tax code due to not being eligible for married tax allowance anymore. They told me I'd get it to the end of the tax year anyway so that's nice. 

I got an extension off my uni tutor for the assignment that is meant to be due on Thursday as I haven't a hope in hell of making that with how my brain is functioning at the moment but I believe it shows some forward thinking and that can only be a good thing. 

I did the washing up. There wasn't much but I didn't allow that to be an excuse to not do it so I got it done. 

I text a pest this morning and told him to stop ringing me. He's supposed to be one of my Husband's friends but he's really not acting like one. He keeps saying inappropriate things and making me feel super uncomfortable so I just told him straight that I don't want to hear from him anymore. I was kinda scared he'd show up at my door but I'm ready for that battle if it comes. He disgusts me. It would have if Hubby had been alive but I think it's more so that he's creeping at this time the dirty man. 

I sent the wannabe dog walker a tenner for his troubles as he did come visit yesterday but told him it's a no from me. Didn't seem worth wasting his time when I'm already decided. I lied and said a Church friend had offered to do it for free. I thought that might make him feel better about not getting the gig. End of the day though, the only thing that matters, is my dog is safe. She is my whole world. 

Done both my cleaning jobs tonight real well. 

Anyways, hopefully wearing a onesie will fix my not sleeping thing and with sleeping better I will be able to function more normal like I have today. 

Drama xoxoxoxoxox 

Got a Deliveroo of beer last night. Which was naughty. 

Felt like gambling. Also naughty. 

Phoned my Auntie and she told me to chuck my payment method down in the basement. I'm scared of the basement cos about a billion spiders live down there. I did as she told me and my Uncle is coming to collect it today so that the temptation is removed. 

Um, that'll do. Hopefully I'll have some super good stuff to tell you later. 

Drama. 

My Uncle has been. Serious Dad talk over and done with. He just lectured me for an hour. My ears are fried. 

It was kinda nice in a way cos they only do that when they care. 

Um. Moff back to bed. 

Drama x

The rest of my day. 

I went to the sandwich shop and told Mr. J I wanted summat different. He did me a tray with Hashed Browns with red salt on them.  Then he mixed in sausage and spam and bacon and eggs and mushrooms. It was very tasty. I ate most of the stuff but chucked alot of meat at the dog. She loved it too. 

I think I accidentally took my pills twice today cos of getting out of bed twice. My memory is super bad. I've suffered awful side affects as a result. Must do better. 

I had a bath and put on my Miss Sixty Jeans. They are light blue denim with sort of roughed up patches in places and I turn up the bottom cos they are a little long. They look super cool though. I wore a white super dry cotton t-shirt with a pink trim and a blue adidas tracksuit top with white stripes on the sleeves. 

I put on my red anorak when I walked the dog to church. I was gonna go light a candle for my friend who has COVID but I forgot cos I was having so much fun playing hide and seek with the dog that I forgot. I only remembered when I got home that was why I went there. 

I watched a movie called A Quiet Place and slartered a cuppa tea everywhere cos I jumped outta my skin. It was very funny! Good movie. Proper scary. 

My therapist phoned at 5. Bit weird cos I'd just eaten a cottage pie and peas and for some reason was having a full on anxiety attack, shaking, spots in my vision and wasn't doing reyt well. We chatted about some difficult stuff. Then we chatted about gambling and I told her that my Uncle was super niave about gambling and he changed the password on the last site that I gambled on but it never occurred to him there were hundreds of others. She's like why dint you tell him. I said durr, cos it's sort of an avenue to do it if I want to. Anyways, long story short, I paid for Gamban whilst she was on the phone and installed it even though it was super tricky to do. Maybe that's just cos I have brain fog though. 

I think she has magic powers. To get into my sneaky brain. It made me laugh though. I was really laughing alot by the end of the call. I told her that I felt like the villain from Scooby Doo who's been unmasked and she's like I want you to feel more like you're unmasking the real DramaLlama (obvs she used my name though). 

Um. Been to work. Tickled them. Didn't do a reyt good job. 

Now I'm having a beer and going to bed. 

Therapist wants me to delete Deliveroo. I was like I've given up two payment cards and installed Gamban, that's enough progress for one day. 

That is all of the important stuff for one day. 

Oh and btw, the lady said that the fact I've started getting washed and dressed in clean clothes already after all I've been through recently is actually a good sign. 

So that was nice. 

Drama xxxx

My Day. 

I woke up at 10. I knew I had a call at 11 so I got up. I took the dog out. Then I booted up my works computer. I had a meeting at 11 with my mentor. I did really well getting this guy as my mentor because of being hard working and I felt like I'm not that person anymore so I was super nervous about making the call. What do I have to talk about? In the end, we spoke about my last few months. I was honest. I told him about my alcohol overdose last week, the abuse I have suffered at the hands of my very unwell Husband, his death. Just all of it. He was really kind. He spoke about being forward thinking and not dwelling on the past and of wanting to remain my mentor even though I am leaving the firm and he wants to catch up again in a couple of weeks. 

I can't explain how much of a tonic it was to talk to this high-flying guy and have him tell me that I am a super strong woman and a decent person. I expected him to distance himself from me but he sort of came closer. He is real determined to be a part of my life still. He still wants to hear about Uni and career goals and all the usual things mentors want to talk about but also, he wants to hear about me and how I am feeling. I feel really pleased for being honest. I guess it's the only way to be. Anyone that doesn't wanna hear the truth prolly shouldn't be in your life. 

Anyways, yes. Super glad he will still be my mentor. 

I had a call with the Alcohol Support Worker at 1pm. This is about the 7th one I've had. I went through recent tales with her. I told her that the fact they keep changing is not super helpful for me and it makes me wanna withdraw from the service cos I'm sick of telling my story over and over. She promised that she will be the one from now on. I got talked to again about units and stuff. I listened. I was patient but honestly, it's stuff I know by now. I'm just not implementing it. 

Someone rang me from victim support this aft. Can't remember the time. She said she got my number from the police about some harrassment I was getting from an ex-partner. Well, that's half a tale. I had to tell her the whole tale. He wasn't an ex-partner. He was my Husband. Till Death Do Us Part and I never wanted to lose him. I just wanted him to behave better. Anyway, I declined their offer of help cos I have this therapist now that GC sorted out for me and I like her. They said if at anytime I want some help I can call them and I agreed. 

Um, I had cheesy chips with coleslaw and red salt for dinner. That's all I've eaten today. 

I had a wash and put on some blue joggers, a white fitted polo with a navy trim to the sleeves and collar and my blue Superdry Jumper. 

I went to work and did a real good job cleaning. 

I've actually listened to the Football tonight on the radio and I was tweeting with other fans. First time I've done that since Hubby died. I felt guilty before for having fun. Like I shouldn't do it. But tonight it felt natural and I enjoyed it. 

My Solicitor phoned at teatime but I let that one go to VM cos frankly I'm done with calls for one day. 

Um. That'll do diary. 

D. x

Hi Drama,

Nice to see your old-style daily posts back as you're working things through. Always an interesting and well put together read.

Really glad that you've got a positive relationship building with your therapist. Getting washed and dressed in clean clothes is a great step and can make a huge difference to how you feel too. 

Brilliant that you've managed to connect to your mentor and open up so honestly with him. Even better that he wants to continue the connection even after you leave the company!

Sounds like you're packing a lot into your days. I think I'd probably have let the solicitor call go to voicemail too.

All the best,

Elizabeth
Forum Admin

Elizabeth, 

Thank-you for saying it's nice to see my posts. I am working stuff through and the diary helps me remember that it's not all bad. 

Drama. 

My Day. 

I got up and threw on yesterday's joggers and jumper for the purpose of going to the sandwich shop. I went round with the dog and got a full english. I shared it with the dog. 

The coroner called this morning to ask if I wanted to see any of the reports that have been prepared or if I wanted to attend the inquest. As a law student, it might be interesting to see what happens at an inquest. However, as you know, I am not fairing well so I know for sure it's for the best that I don't do that so I declined the invitation. She's still gonna write and send me a letter with the details but I really really know it's not a good idea. 

I went to the sandwich shop again at dinner time. I did try the local cash machine in the asian shop first cos I was gonna buy summat to prepare myself but the cashpoint wouldn't accept the Monzo card so sandwich shop it was. I got a Jacket Potato w/Tuna and Coleslaw. 

My boss asked me to do a COVID clean so I agreed to go at 3pm. I knew I was safe to drive at 2pm but I wanted to give myself an extra hour just to play it safe. It became immediately obvious to me why folks are dropping like flies at this place. It was minging! I had to change cloths several times because they ended up that filthy. Some lassie asked me not to touch her desk. She said they do them theirselves. I said lovey, if you did them yourselves, my cloth wouldn't look like this *holds up minging cloth*. I said my instructions from your manager and mine are to clean EVERYTHING thoroughly and that's what I'm gonna do. I says if you wanna sanitise it after, that is up to you. She wound her neck in. Ha! Drama win! 

Their manager phoned me to thank me for doing the clean and offered condolences for Hubby. Everyone knows everyone's business in this town. Made me cry. I hated that. Being a wuss at work. I went and cried in the toilet and then sucked it up and back to work. Took me three hours but I got the place spotless. 

Then I went to do my two. They still were good from yesterday so that wasn't too much trouble. 

I had to put my Godmum off visiting today cos of the extra clean. She's coming tommoz though to help me get my own house in order. 

Oh yeah and I listened to an audio book by Melody Beattie that someone on the Helpline recommended. Well, that's not quite right, they recommended another book but it wasn't on Audible so I downloaded another instead but it's all about coping with addiction and abuse and codependency. I've listened to a fair bit at work and I like the author's style. I'll update more about that another time. 

I'm having Chicken Kiev, Mac n cheese and Sweetcorn for supper. 

I haven't taken my antidepressants for two days. They supress my appetite and I genuinely think it's more important for me to eat than ought else at the minute. I feel better for all the food I've had today. 

That will do diary. 

N'nite 

Drama x

My mind is troubled. 

Had a bad night. Got home this morning after another trip to A&E because I injured myself. The cops have taken half my kitchen ware off me. Seems naff cos I'm just gonna buy some more. Anyways, I upset my Aunt and Uncle, Murlo, My Godmum and my best mate from Church. So all in all not a good night. 

I went to bed at 6am and got up at dinner time. I've had lot's of calls from people wanting to understand my thought processes but I don't understand them so it makes it near on impossible to explain it to them. 

I went to the sandwich shop and got some beef and chips and gravy. The beef was tough so I've saved it for the dogs tea. 

I've ordered some more pills off the GP and I'm having a tetanus booster on Wednesday. 

I'm going to my mate J's tonight, me him and D and his Mrs are gonna watch some movies. My mate J thinks it's more important for me to have company than follow the rules. I kinda agree cos being by myself alot is not proving very healthy. I will drive and not drink. 

Hopefully he chooses a top movie and we just have a laugh. I love my boys. They are a great laugh so it should be a tonic. 

I've got 3 cleans to do over the weekend, one of them another COVID clean.

Drama xxx