A Sense of Direction

Just got in from J's house. Turned into a bit of a mad'un. Lot's of people. I was sober cos of driving but people were doing stuff I wasn't comfortable being around so I left early. 

I don't wanna take away from my evening because alot of it was banter and movie madness and just hilarity. However, I know what I like and I don't and I saw that place getting very messy so I made my exit at the right time. 

Drama 

xoxoxoxo

My Day

I pulled into the petrol station last night to pick up some supplies before I went to J's and there's this homeless guy sitting by the door. I know the real ones and the beggars. If you've ever been homeless, you just know. This guy was for real. I said hello and we chatted a spell and I says is there anything you want or need and he's like Jelly Babies. It gave me a pang. Honest to goodness, whenever I messaged Hubby when I was at the shops, this was his thing. Jelly Babies. Anyway's, so I get my supplies and I give this lad his Jelly Babies and he says God Bless You and i had all of the happy tears in my car before I drove off cos it was a real thing. 

Today I did a COVID clean. It took me 4 hours. It wasn't the world's biggest place but it was the worlds dirtiest place. Didn't even have a basic level of clean and it's no wonder everyone is sick. It took 3 buckets of hot soapy water just to get the place to my level of decent before I started with the real serious stuff. 

The stairs have a trim. It's like carpet and trim and I thought the trim was wood but when I started washing it off, it was actually stainless steel underneath. Looks mega different since I did my thing. I believe their cleaning lady should be ashamed of herself. Whenever I'm doing my job, I always picture the people using the space. The weak, the immuno comprimised, the sick. Dear lord, if you don't wanna keep the place clean for them go get another job! Anyways, it took me 4 hours but this place was up to my standards. 

Ooooo I did a thing, just natural like it was normal but when I set off for work i grabbed my radio head and plugged it in and enjoyed listening to club classics. I reckon i might make radio my thing. Cos my music choices have been super depressing since Hubby died but I reckon radio and the randomness of it is cool. I was fair dancing in my car on the way to and from work. 

Oh and tonight my Godmum and her daughter added me onto their Netflix f&f with my own log in cos they want me to stop watching depressing stuff and just watch happy stuff. Isn't that super nice?

I love them. 

I still have two cleans left and I hope to get them done in the morning. 

I'm seriously worried about my bestie who has the COVID and has been in Hospital with it. I feel guilty for forgetting to light that candle earlier in the week cos I was having fun with the dog. I will light one tommoz though for sure. 

Um. That will do diary. 

Drama

xoxoxoxoxo

ILYSM sweetheart. You should be proud of the things you have done today, I know I am ?

All Saints Day. 

Tried to gamble last night, failed. I was super glad this morning when I woke up and remembered that I had been testing my barriers. However, they must be good and strong. I know it ticked me off last night but this is what it's all about. Doing the right things when I am feeling strong to protect myself when I am weak. 

Murlo put me to bed last night. I'd still got beers left and I can't really remember talking to her. Just that I sent her a selfie to prove I'd gone up. In my "Me to you" bear onesie. Haha! I'm such a soppy fluff these days. 

This morning, I woke with half an hour to go before mass. I put on my blue skinny jeans, a turquoise and pink and white checked Tommy Hillfiger oxford style shirt and my white Adidas which I machine washed yesterday so they looked mega bright. They have a little pink trim that kinda tied in with the pink in the shirt. I threw on a Khaki Coat. Lightweight with silver zips and buttons and stuff. It made my Godmum very happy to see me in a cute outfit again. That made me happy too. 

Fr. L did a homily on Saints and how they are just people like you and me and they weren't all perfect but when they accepted Jesus and followed his ways, good things happened. He was alot more wordy than me but I really enjoyed the homily. 

After Church, my Godmum gave me a DVD drive to plug into my computer. Her, her Husband and her daughter have all leant me their favourite most uplifting DVD's to borrow. They want me to stop watching Ambulance and 999 what's your emergency and stuff like that and just watch what they've given me. I guess I have been wallowing in misery and I will endeavour to heed their advice. My Godmum also gave me 3 religious books. 

1. Oh God Why? A journey through Lent for bruised pilgrims by Gerard W. Hughes. 

2. We do not presume...A beginners guide to Anglican llife and thought by Richard Giles. 

3. The Oxford Companion to the Bible. 

She wants me to re-engage with my spiritual side. I've read some already and it is opening my eyes. They were blinded by pain and I'm feeling more open to suggestion. 

I did my two cleaning jobs real well tonight. I listened to Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and I was enjoying it till Chapter 4 when she got onto talking about s*x in relationships and I found that really painful so I changed to Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. He's a guy who's lived with abuse but channelled his mind to deal with the pain and achieve great things. Plus he swears like a trooper and it was kinda good to listen to that and get more steely in my brain. 

I am home now. Me and Murlo are gonna watch Pride of Britain Awards and chat during it. I am looking forward to that and I've got a box of tissues handy cos you know, you'd have to be heartless not to cry during POB. 

Laters Diary. 

Drama

xoxoxxoxoxox

Got my tissues ready mate ? ILY x

All Souls Day. 

I woke with a stonking hangover and had a poorly tummy most of the day. I guess 3 scrambled eggs and 10 beers is not a great combination. 

I didn't go to Church cos I thought hearing Hubby's name amongst the people who have passed would be too painful. It's a full requiem service so yeah, I think that was a bit of me taking care of myself. I told my friend T all the names I wanted reading. So they did get prayed for. 

Once I was safe to drive, I went and took the keys back for that COVID clean I did. I've had some fantastic feedback regarding the difference in cleanliness and I appreciate the words cos I do try and do a good job. 

I did the washing up and recycling and I emptied the bins today. 

I felt better for having a clean kitchen. 

I went to the Charity Shop this afternoon. I bought a Christmas Jumper. Real bad taste job but that makes it funnier. It's blue and instead of a sign for the north pole it has penguins and a sign for the pub. It'll go down a storm! 

I bought me and Murlo some silly socks for Christmas too. We prolly won't be able to hook up cos of COVID but at least we can be silly together virtually with our socks. 

I got a jewellery box. It's a light coloured wood with little drawers. I have put it on the mantelpiece and I'm using it to store all my essential oils and crosses and incense sticks that normally clutter the mantel. It looks nice. 

I also bought a DVD player so I can watch the DVD's that my Godmum's fam gave me. I shall return the one they leant me. 

Oh, and I got an alarm clock. I haven't been allowed one for years cos Hubby moaned about the light they projected in the bedroom but now I can have one and the plan is to get up at the same time every day so maybe I don't stay up so late at night. I think it's a good plan. 

I did my two cleaning jobs really well tonight. 

My friend T has asked me to livestream the Church service tommoz at 12 so that will get me out of the house. 

That is all. 

Drama xxx

Good evening Drama.

Just popping by to say hello and wish you well.

Your posts are simply amazing. You have such a wonderful talent for writing in a way that keeps the readers attention. I imagine you would be great at writing articles for magazines.

Best wishes.

Stephen.

24 hours. 

I demolished a fridge pack last night and was beating up on myself. I took a wander out at stupid o clock with a plan to do summat daft but took myself home again. 

Then I injured myself whilst in drink. The cops have taken my remaining kitchen ware. I have decided against buying anymore cos what's the point? Not like I'm cooking or ought lately. 

I woke in A&E this morning feeling like a total idiot. They closed the door that I used as my escape last time, it's like they've grown wise to me. However, I went out another door, down a floor and escaped out the back of the Hospital. It felt like the great escape! 

A nurse phoned me and told me I had to go back and speak to the MH team. I said I don't have to do anything. I mean if I keep being a pickle, they will eventually lock me up. I ain't daft but really really, I just wanted to sleep. 

I slept till lunchtime. 

I have not been so well today. I was full of anxiety and I couldn't control it. The alcohol worker called me and she wanted me to drink cos she thought my symptoms were a sign of alcohol withdrawal but I refused cos I had to go to work at 6.30 and I won't drink and drive. She told me I need to put me first and maybe take some time off work. I'm not having none of that. 

My therapist phoned me at 4pm and she was fabulous. She wants me to wear an elastic band on my wrist and when I get bad thoughts I have to twang it. She says it releases dopamine and stops you doing ought bad. I have done as she advised. 

She also wants me to treat depression as a seperate entity. It's not me. It's another person who wants all the bad things and right now I am buying depression beer and spending money on gambling for it. She's like see! That's what you have to stop. Don't feed it and it won't grow. I'm going to treat depression as a Dementor from Harry Potter. I'm not going to feed it anymore. 

I feel like treating depression as a thing rather than thinking that I am just a God awful human being will help me beat this thing. 

I did not buy a fridge pack tonight. That's what depression wants. It wants me low and unhappy. I just bought 4 beers. 

I feel much better since I chatted that lady. 

Drama 

xxxxxxxxxx

A better day. 

The alarm woke me at 8. I turned it off. Then I woke again at 11 and remembered I'd set it cos I needed to go for my tetanus booster. I've since called the surgery and rebooked it for tomorrow at 4.15pm. Much more likely I'll be up and about by then! 

I only drank 3 beers last night plus 2 at the pub so I didn't have a hangover. That was a pleasant change. 

I went to the sandwich shop and got a sausage, fried onion and brown sauce sandwich. I only ate half. 

I watched Erin Brokovich. She's a smart lady. I loved that it was natural curiosity about why medical files were in real estate files that led her down an investigative path that led to justice for many. It was stuff like that that made me really good at my day job and spotting stuff that didn't fit the mould. 

I applied for a job at the local hospital. Simple job, admin and reception work. It's part time but I reckon it would be a foot in the door and once I get that, I can prove how good I am and work my way up. Gotta start somewhere! 

I watched Baywatch Series One in the afternoon. It's well cheesy. I reckon it was like the Instagram of the 90's with all the posing. I never watched it back in the day and used to roll my eyes at my brothers and laugh at them for watching Boobwatch as I called it. Ha! That made me laugh today. 

I took the dog up the park for an hour. Did her a power of good. She's a different dog for having a decent walk. I must remember that I am responsible for her quality of life and comfort breaks on the green are no substitute for fun and play time and exploring. 

I had Chinese Chicken Curry and Egg Fried Rice and Duck Spring Rolls for tea. I ate all of it! 

I had a brief catch up on Zoom with a lady from the NHS Gambling Clinic. That was nice. Even though I didn't have any good news and had to tell her I gambled. She was still very nice. We are gonna catch up in two weeks. 

I watched The Chase like normal and then went to work. I had 3 jobs tonight. I worked with my friend J at a place called W. After an hour, I asked him what next and he's like next mate, you go find a room, put your feet up and chill out. He knows what I've been through and he's just being so lovely. He's a real good lad. We left 15 minutes early. That meant I got to my next job early too. I ducked and dived to get home for 10. 

Lot's and lot's of my friends have DM'd me tonight offering advice and stuff. I can't explain enough how small this town is and how everyone knows each others business so I'm sure words of my escapades have found many ears. It was a little overwhelming for a spell of 20 minutes but I dealt with it. 

Now I'm having a couple* of beers and going to bed. 

Drama 

xoxoxoxoxox

*Hopefully

The life of Brian. 

I woke up lethargic and had complete Brain Fog this morning. I put on yesterday's clothes and took the dog out and then went round the sandwich shop for a Bacon and Cream Cheese Bagel. It was lush. I saved a piece of bacon for the dog. She snaffled it! 

I did the recycling and emptied the bin. 

I went on chat at 1pm and it was a good vibes chat. I'm glad I joined. Everyone was lovely. 

My Godmum came at 1.30pm and she helped me bottom out my kitchen. I got rid of anything and everything that hasn't been used in years or will never be used. It was really cathartic! She is a machine. She questionned me about my injuries and seems satisfied that I have the coping techniques and the right action plan in place to do things instead of that again. 

My Godmum left at 4 and I went for my tetanus shot. Didn't even hurt. Nurse was a pro! 

My kitchen looks fab and I felt inspired to make some food. I made large garlicky cheesy mushrooms on toast. I took a picture of them and my kitchen and shared it on my FB page. It made my Godmum happy. 

I had a bath and put on a home football shirt and some clean skinny jeans and put a selfie on my Twitter. It got a positive response and for that I am happy. 

Now, Brian! That's what I've called my depression because it's an anagram of Brain and that's where Brian lives. He wants bad things. Like not eating, not cleaning, drinking to excess, gambling, self harm. Well Brian gets told no! Everytime he thinks of summat bad, I say not today Brian! and then I crack on with doing good stuff. 

Someone on the helpline told me to watch a video about the Big Black Dog on Youtube and I did and that's basically Brian. So he has a name and it's easy for me to seperate what he wants and desires and what I know what is good for me. I hope the life of Brian is short and he goes back in his box and leaves me alone forever. 

He's the one that told me to leave the Hospital because I was being stupid. I know it wasn't a wise move and I'm sorry I triggered SB but if I'm not honest about what's going on in my life on my own diary then what's the point in keeping one?

I hope over the coming days and weeks my diary will improve in content as I continue to tell Brian to do one. 

That is all. 

D. 

THE BEST DAY OF 2020. 

I woke up super late. It was 11.30. I took my pooch out then went to the sandwich shop and got a BLT w/cheese. 

I put the sandwich on a plate and covered it up. 

I put 6 ladles of the spaghetti sauce I made yesterday into a tupperware container and took it to my Godmum. It was beef, beer and bacon flavoured bolognese. Totally lush. I made about 4 litres of the stuff. Far too much for me alone and so I thought I would give them some. It was lovely to see my Godmum for a brief spell. Lockdown sucks and I'm already bored of being alone all of the time. 

I sorted out Hubbies clothes this afternoon. I did them in piles of fit for the charity shop and fit for the bin. I started washing the stuff for the charity shop and bagged up the rest. 

I have plenty of space in my kitchen now for the airers so they aren't in the front room anymore. It's nice. I really need to fold and put away my own clean laundry but small steps. I'm getting there. Every room is getting better and better every day. 

I got to do a zoom quiz with a man off of The Chase tonight. He's my favourite of all of them. I didn't get a single question right. Not a scooby. However, just to be on real time video with him made me super happy. It's my favourite day of 2020 so far by a long stretch. 

Um that is all. 

Drama

xoxoxoxoxoxox

ILYSM sweetheart. I know how much you love the chase and I can just picture you in your real life quiz tonight! Seeing you happy makes me happy ☺️

Xxx

A Productive Day. 

I woke with a stinking headache. I took the dog out, just on the green for a comfort stop. 

I had some sugar P***s and a cuppa tea and went back to bed for a few hours. I then watched a movie called Matching Jack. 

I had a word with myself about being lazy. 

I took a bath. 

I put on a red long sleeved football shirt. A foreign team. Not mine. Not really even a fan but I love the shirt. It's one of my charity shop finds. I also put on some black joggers and my red Hunter welly socks and my blue wellies with a red logo. Not exactly a match but I only own two pair of wellies and the green ones wouldn't match at all. Then I put on my red raincoat and me and the dog took a walk to the woods. She was soooo happy! Waggy tail and smiley face. It made my heart swell. I walked round two fields and the ponds and then same again on the way back. 

When I got home, I obvs took the wellies and coat off and then decided to tackle my front room. I've put away all the clothes that had mounted up. 3 massive piles from the dining table, desk and one of the sofa's. The room is not perfect but it's much clearer now. 

Then I had some golden veggie rice with leftover spaghetti sauce. It was lush and I ate the lot. I washed up and put away all the pots and pans so my kitchen remains spotless. It's nice to have at least one room that is decent. It inspires me to sort the rest out. 

I got an email from my Uni Tutor, he's given me an extension on the assignment that I missed because of the circumstances I've experienced. That makes me really very happy. I'm gonna start on it first thing. It's not a big assignment. Like 1500 words in Problem Question format so I should be able to research the caselaw's and stuff and get it done in 12-15 hours. I will get it done and not procrastinate. 

I did both my cleaning jobs real well and then took the dog to the park. Got chatted up by a young lad way in drink. Side-stepped that situation without being rude and just had a nice tootle with the dog. 

I came home and went on chat for a spell. Everyone was real nice. I love it when folks are being supportive of each other. Makes me happy. 

I'm gonna have a burger and watch some telly and hopefully get to bed at a decent hour. I have a reason to want a clear head in the morning. Well, another reason. An important one. 

G'nite Folks. 

Drama xoxoxoxoxox

Hi Drama,

Haven't heard you talk  about Uni for ages & although i was dying to know was afraid to ask in case it was a touchy subject given all you've been through.

I'm delighted you've been given an extension by your tutor as I'm sure it will draw out every bit of potential in you that I know exists. I've always been a labour man ( some might say a bit of a left winger )  seeing a bright working class decent girl given an opportunity, doing well & bettering herself through hard graft creates for me a wonderful heart warming story. I hope you excel in your studies. I know you've got what it takes.

Best Wishes

AL

A non-productive day. 

I got up to all sorts of stupid stuff last night. I know what I said on my diary but it didn't pan out that way. Alcohol had a huge part to play in that. I don't wanna say anymore about it cos I dove into a sea of shame and nearly drowned in it so I'ma just let it be. 

I went to bed early this morning when most folks are setting off for work. I took the dog out first and then got into a onesie and passed out. My alcohol support worker called at some point and cos I wasn't really awake she said she'd call back another time. My friend T called me at 10.30 to ask if I would do the livestream at Church for him. It was a no from me. Deffo didn't feel up to it. He phoned my Godmum and told her he was worried about me. 

I went back to sleep and woke at maybe 13.30. My Godmum called after that and I managed to convince her that T was wrong and I am just not a morning person. She was satisfied. 

I spent the afternoon drinking herbal teas and squash and trying to feel better. 

I spoke to my therapist at 4pm for an hour. We chatted about the ups and downs of the week. She picked out the positive stuff which was nice. It's good to have someone to talk to who is not judgemental and makes sense of all the noise. She also likes my writing style and says I should do a blog so that was cool. 

I watched the Chase at 5 and played along with my friend. That was fun. 

I went to work at 7pm and got back at 9.30ish. I did not fair well as my energy is low. 

I'll be away to bed soon. No choice. I have zero energy. 

Drama x