The Addiction and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable

My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!

For me the spiritual recovery program is anon religious healing program, for me any one can heal their inner child once they admit to them self that the addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in fear from people life and situations.

If I have not gambled for so long why attend the meetings, for me the spiritual recovery program it is about becoming healthier, it is about becoming more self sufficient, it is about becoming more mature so that my physical age and my emotional age would be the same.

Understanding my emotional triggers, when I was vulnerable, facing my fears of rejection and abandonment, facing my fears of emotional intimacy and my fears of my inner child being hurt.

In my child hood I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered abandonment issues, I suffered neglect.

The word dysfunctional is often mentioned in the recovery program, yet what did that mean to me, today I understand that because of the painful trauma in my child hood I internalized so much.

And because of the painful trauma in my child hood I had fears in me that I would not or could not understand.

My anger in the old days before my recovery which could be suppressive aggressive or expressive aggressive, was an indicator that my inner child was still suffering from the pains of my past.

Being a suppressive aggressive I was a victim because I could not speak out for myself, and because I was emotionally vulnerable the cowardly bullies of this world who were victims that never healed would dump their pains fears and frustrations on to me.

Yet being an expressive aggressive people learned to fear me, so in the time only when I would identify my unhealthy reactions I would understand that a healthy life is about healthy interactions rather than unhealthy reactions.

For me to set boundaries I needed to speak out for myself from a place of peace, when I was feeling vulnerable to remove myself and think things out.

But before all of this to happen would need me to understand what is health and what is unhealthy.

The wording right wrong good bad was not a healthy to talk, these wordings could be taken as a criticism and me standing in judgement, so it was for me to identify what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape, and when I use to escape nothing mattered not even myself.

The addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.

The spiritual recovery program was not going to control my life, the spiritual recovery program was not going to stop me gambling, the spiritual recovery program was not going to make me a healthy person.

That choice was for me, only once I would admit to myself that gambling was not a selfish act, but a self destructive action.

When I said to myself that I wanted justice was a self deception, the truth was I wanted vengeance, not the same thing, because I wanted vengeance I was willing to transfer my pains fears and frustrations on to other people thinking I would find emotional resolve, that was not true and was not ehalthy in any way.

In time I would be come more self sufficient, I was able to and willing top ask for help, be willing to learn how to help myself be able to do more things with my time and energy.

Before the healing of my inner child I wanted the easy option, the easy way out, I put on other people, I felt so inadequate and insecure, I felt that I could not or would not help myself.

The wording just for today I will not be unhealthy was helpful for me to move away from unhealthy habits, yet the power of my recovery was when I said to myself just for today I will fulfil my needs, just for today I will fulfil my wants, just for today I will fulfil my goals.

By writing down my needs my wants and my goals I was being committed to myself.

By being honest to myself I was going to face my fears, my honesty was about admitting my unhealthy habits, my honesty was about me being myself, my honesty was about over coming my fears of emotional intimacy.

Only once I moved from reading text quoting text like a parrot, crossing the line and giving deep seated emotional therapies, when my inner child cried only then the pains of the past would surface and my inner child would start o heal.

Some people have said that recovery is painful, not quite true, recovery is about feeling the pains and healing the hurt inner child.

As we heal the emotional age and the physical age gap reduces and the inner child comes out to play once more.

Which was the worst kind of pain for me, was it the emotional abuse, was it the physical abuse, was it the sexual abuse, was it the abandonment issues, was it the neglect issues, was it the lack of nurturing and encouraging, was it the fact I felt unloved and unwanted.

Each pain I suffered had a devastating impact on my emotional growth, each pain caused in me fears that I did not understand or ***.

Yet today I understand today that every thing unhealthy that happened to me that was healed became my strength today, that with out those pains healed I would have the empathy I have today for my hurt inner child and for other people in pain today.

Only once I healed myself and I stopped hurting myself could I become healthy whole and content with in myself, I use to think and feel that happiness was some thing external to me, today I understand for me that happiness is all about being content, being content with who I am today, being content with who I am with today, being content with what I have.

For me the spiritual recovery program is anon religious program, it was going to help me help myself heal and to be able to articulate myself in my feelings and emotions and be able to communicate myself in healthy ways, to no longer be a threat to myself and to no longer be a threat to other people.

For me the recovery program is all about healing my inner child, to no longer live in fear of myself or to no longer live in fear of other people.

For me the recovery program is all about living my life to the full today, to learn, to ask for help, to make better of my time and my energy.

For me the recovery program is all about exchanging all my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, there was a time I wished my life away, now every day is a productive day, and my motives are more healthy than any other time in my life.

Today I spent time with Shirley my wife in the morning, we had our lists of our needs and our wants, we fulfilled every thing on our needs and our wants list.

Then in the afternoon about 13.30 I was heading to the club for games of snooker, I telephoned my son Mark, we agreed to meet do a couple of his needs and then went and played this after noon and had a meal out in the evening.

It was a very healthy day, I got stimulated getting things done, I interacted with other people, I even was pleasant when things did not go my way.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that my unhealthy reactions towards people life and situations are my full responsibility.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that my healthy interactions towards people life and situations are my full responsibility.

To move from unhealthy suppressive aggressive and to move from unhealthy expressive aggressive towards hea lthy interactions is also my responsibility today.

The difference in my life today, before recovery I felt gambling controlled my life and my decisions, today I feel very much disconnected from all emotions and feelings towards gambling.

The difference in my life today, before recovery I use to escape and deviate life people and situations, now I am able to think more clearly, to not react in such unhealthy volatile ways.

The difference in my life today, before recovery I use to doubt myself, give up all faith and hope in myself, I use to always feel guilty and ashamed today I am more motivated and focused on healthy goals am proud of healthy actions today.

The difference in my life today, before recovery I was reacting in an unhealthy way to the pains of my past, in healing that little child in me and peeling back the onion the inner child is healed and healing today.

For me the spiritual recovery program is anon religious program, the spiritual recovery program has been helping me not only need the program but more importantly want the program more and want a healthy life.

For me the spiritual recovery program has opened up my mind and thinking to being able to achieve and believe more things than ever before in my life.

The spiritual recovery program has helped me help myself in so many ways.

With my healthy actions and words has come confidence self esteem pride and a growing potential I never had before in my life.

The word failing was how I use to feel before recovery, while in recovery do I make mistakes, yes but I learn from them now more often.

What is happiness, I use to think and feel that money and material things made me feel happy, I use to think that a comedian made me happy.

Today happiness is very much being content, being appreciative, seeing and feeling success in myself and in other people.

I am being content with who I am today yet ongoing and growing, I am being content with my relationships with myself and with other people, I am being content with what I have today.

Showing gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my ongoing values in life and with people.

An apology is not about who is right or wrong, an apology is an indicator of a caring person, an apology is an indicator of a mature person, an apology is an indicator of a person wanting to repair damaged relationships.

The more we get in to deep honest therapies in meetings or with a counsellor is an indicator that the past no longer burdens us, deep honest therapies indicate who we are at that moment of time.

I use to be stunted in growth because of the pains in my childhood, the pains in my childhood caused many fears I did not understand.

My being over sensitive was an indicator of those unhealed unresolved pains, my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed, my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced, and my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations.

I have been traumatized both physically and emotionally in my life, it is an unhealthy state of play.

With unhealthy physical trauma you reach appoint where your nervous system can no longer feel pain, it is a dangerous condition, once you nervous system comes back every suppressed pain hits you in one go.

With unhealthy emotional trauma you reach a point where you suppress emotional pains and memories, you suppress those emotional pains from your conscious memories.

With unhealthy emotional trauma it stunted me from learning and absorbing information, emotional trauma caused my fears of emotional intimacy of every one not just the perpetrators.

After entering recovery how you feel changes, after healing in your recovery time flies by very quickly, after healing in your recovery there is less regret guilt shame and remorse.

After entering recovery the pains of your past get healed, you have far more energy each day, you are more focused on your lists of needs wants and goals.

Your life ahs purpose, you are able to feel alive not stunted any more, you do not feel guilty when people do acts of kindness for you.

You no longer feel responsible for how everyone feels, when someone is angry you do not feel it is your responsibility any more.

When someone asks you to go to the office you no longer assume and feel you have done something wrong.

When you make a mistake you learn from it, recovery is slow learning curve.

Very much baby steps each day.

When someone is upset you no longer assume and feel you have done something wrong.

Feeling guilt shame remorse and regret indicates we have not healed from the pains of our past, feeling guilt shame remorse and regret hinders our spiritual growth and our confidence.

Fears inhibit us from reaching our full potential.

Being in recovery today is the most important day of our life, just for today I will not be unhealthy, just for today I will do and say healthy things.

When I ask for help I am demonstrating my strength and letting go of my ignorance.

It is very important to find like minded people who want and need spiritual recovery and spiritual growth.

There is abstaining and there is recovery, you need to abstain in order to get to spiritual recovery and inner healing.

Being in recovery was a need which I did not have from day one, being in recovery today is a want thing.

No more resistance, no more reluctance, no fear of change, no more fighting myself, no more belittling myself, no more being hard on myself.

Do I have my needs to do list written down, do I have my want to do list written down, do I have my goals clearly in my mind each day.

Goal setting and extending myself is very important each and every day.

Dave of Beckenham

AKA Dave L