Things that use to make me angry I laugh at today.
Even though I have been attending meetings for over 50 years I am only clean for 31 years.
I use to be so hard on my self.
I use to call my self names and use to put my self down so much.
In time I got to understand that healthy therapies were a big healp in me understanding why I use to react in such unhealthy ways.
The pains earlier in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Why was it that when asked how I was I would say fine or not so bad, saying that was not true, I wa slying to my self.
Every time I went back to gambling addictions of obsessions indicated that I was not coping in healthy ways to people life and situations.
I even use to say that people life and situations stressed me out.
Every time I went back to unhealthy habits by being in the recovery program I would get wiser about my self.
Once I had given a therapy at a meeting, a person came and said that he could hear my fears in my therapy.
He said he had the same fears and it was due to the hurt inner child lived in fear of being hurt again.Â
In time I got to understand what my emotionl triggers were.
My emotional triggers were my pains that I could not heal.
My emotional triggers were my fears that I could not reduce or face.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom because I was not able to be productive with my time.
My fears caused me to procrastinate for far to long.
My fears caused me to avod emotional intimacy and to be honest wth others.
In time I got to understand that only abstaining could I start to heal from the pains of my past.
Did I get married not knowing or understanding what love was.
How many times did I say that I loved money.
How many times did I say that I loved my car.
It seemed almost impossible to start my abstaining from unhealthy habits.
No one was to judge me or tell me which was the healthiest path in my life.
The gambling establishments never hurt me, I hurt my self.
The gambling establishments never lied to me, I lied to my self.
The gambling establishments never made me do things to hurt me, I hurt my self.
I use to think that if I was to get lots of money it would make me feel succesful in my self.
Sadly money was never going to heal my pains.
Sadly money was never going to make me feel succesful in my self.
For me I understand that to feel succesful in my self would take me to say and do very healthy things in my every day life.
Money was not going to heal my pains.
Money was not going to reduce my fears.
Money was not going to help me love or respect my self.
Money was not going to repair damaged relationships with my self or with other people.
Did I fully understand how the recovery program was going to help me help my self.
Did I fully understand how the recovery program was going to heal from my painful past.
Writing down my needs my wants and my needs was going to get me motivated in healthy ways.
Fear very much restricted me in my life.
By giving deep seated emotional therapies and sharing my self with others I got to see and understand what I needed to do to become a much healthier person.
Once I started to heal the emotional intimacy I shared in the rooms became emotional intimacy with my family.
Today living my life with out pains guilt shame or regret, my fears reducing more and more.
There is no limit as to how much more I can achieve in my life and realtionships today.
Today the most important things I have today is healthy relationships with my self and with my family, and fearless time which I value.
What limit is in my life today is set by me.
Love peace and healing to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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