The Devils Payroll

Hey Rob..

Not sure what to say , not because I can't empathise but because I don't want to sound flippant.

Not sure if it helps but I'm also lost ..I can't identify with you with gambling but I can identify with you as another human.

I'm also struggling with a perpetual state of limbo which to me often feels like hell.I'm not exactly sure where I'm supposed to be "moving" on to.

I don't ever think posts of this nature are negative ,in fact for me it reassures me that I am not alone .I'm not sure anyone really knows w*f we are all meant to be doing but some are more honest ....and poetic.

R and D xx

My headphones are on and they are listening to nina simone, I cried POWER!!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn5tiuZU4JI

Suddenly my feet are filled with mud

It all goes slo -mo

I don't know why I'm crying

Am I suspended in gaffa ?

communicates perfectly the hard slog of putting energy into something ,waiting for it to bear fruit and wanting things to go faster eh Rob?

Thank you for giving me a Kate reminder today . Also had a few not great days but took Burkowski s advice and took to my bed for nearly 2 days and it has seemed to shift something albeit for the moment .

No jollying you out of your feelings as you know I don't work like that ...in fact I would say part of the human problem is that we are not allowed to feel. All the great music, poetry ,literature and film has not been created by folks who are one dimensional and happy clappy all the time has it? ..lol

Your room may be white but your thoughts are technicolor xxx

R and D xx

Another week and no gambling issues with me.

No major issues, thoughts or insights. Very much just ticking along. Not happy with life but feel its all situational and not depression or any kind of mental illness. Ultimately my situation will change with time. I just need some patience.

See a good friend tomorrow that I have not seen for awhile. Always good to see him as he challenges me but not in a bullying or nasty way. Feels like he knows I can do much more if I just push myself and he will try and break me out of my comfort zone. He will also buy me a beer , break out a smile and we can reel in the years with a song or three.

Robf

Had a good trigger there with your Post Rob..

Check out those beards...

Enjoy !

Xxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDmmOzDe-DQ&sns=em

Gambling addiction is an ever present force in my life and those close to me, even if its not acknowledged by them I am fully aware of the horrors that lay beneath. A close family friend confided in me this week worried about his son and his gambling, all the signs are there but the son does not seem prepared to admit he has a problem.

My friend knows my history and situation and thought of me and I am glad he came forward and talked to me. I tried my best to give some support and advice but it felt very uncomfortable being faced with someone in that state of despair and helplessness at an addicts actions. Knowing in the past I have caused the same chaos and seeing it laid out bare in front of me hit me harder than what I am having to deal with my mum and her problems. I felt like there wasn't much I could say but I mainly listened and told him about my experiences and just tried to be a sounding board. I know for me just having someone to listen who has been through the same thing and understands, to almost validate the feelings and know you are not going insane can be a help. I offer my hand to my friend and to his son if he makes that leap.

Aside from trying to help my friend I got a great deal from it as it was emotion out in the open. Everything at home at the moment is under the surface like ants laying eggs under your skin. I scratch at the surface and it gives some temporary relief but I know more of those eggs will hatch.

So where does this leave me with my recovery? Well I am happy and proud to say I am still gamble free. With everything going on around me its easy for me to hate gambling and say I don't ever want to fall under its spell again and genuinely mean it. But having those feelings doesn't guarantee I will stay abstinent and wont gamble again. There is no guarantee. I accept this and I am actually happy with it. Nearly 17 months into my recovery and I feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. At the moment for me its balancing the confidence I have against becoming arrogant. Its about acknowledging the danger without being a slave to it. With my personal and living situation soon to change along with my continued recovery I feel I have a shot, a chance of happiness and a way forward. Hope has returned and hope is a wonderful thing.

Hey Rob

Thanks for popping into my diary and as I said there after your post, you are in a unique position of really seeing gambling from both sides and you can turn that into something to help people and not to flog yourself with...

It is always uncomfortable to have a mirror held up in front of you , I have had that a lot in my life, but don't let it bring shame. Use it to aid.

With your pal you did the right thing...all you can do is share your experience,strength and hope and that's all anyone does in the rooms of 12 step recovery so you are doing it right ...

With your mum I imagine once you are physically away and in your own pad the tension will lift for you. I know you are a caring soul and want your mum to also benefit but she is on her own path and like you will have to find her own way.

One thing that usually happens in life if you're anything like me is that often our nearest and dearest cannot be helped by us but we can be instrumental in the healing of strangers.It may take a stranger and someone not as close as you are to help your mum.

Keep "paying it forward"

Xxxxx

hey Rob..

Always a plesh to see you on the diaries no matter how often you post..just glad to know you are around :-))

I think the souls gone out of a lot of things that used to be great but a bit like the farmers markets being a much needed backlash to the high street it's great to see local home grown talent with passion.

It's not even a culture thing as when I was a young un I worked very briefly for a Bradford based company as an auditor with mainly Asian and Sheikh staff and have never seen such passion for their team,often 3 generations of family all watching the game as locals.

Buying players in from overseas who have no connection to the city or even committed to living there permanently and being part of the community is soulless and for the players they must sometimes feel like cattle being owned and traded as a commodity. As soon as I hear the word "brand" I start to get queasy.

I never even knew this hurling existed,,,it's like a cross between rugby and ice hockey right? ...or curling ?

Exciting stuff there! ...I may have to start watching. I did see Cardiff and Swansea play when I used to cover S wales in my last job and that had a terrific atmosphere very similar to your clip...

So you were only down the road on the big rugby game? I was routing for NZ to be honest but the Aussies had the edge..

I could not pick up the second clip but guessing it could be Wakefield? Lol

Wondering which Yorkshire village you used to live in ..

Thanks for posting Rob and fingers crossed the old war horse Uncle Monty may be good for another 100k miles..

Think it's time to push Withnail into 20 something viewings

I demand some booze!

R and D xx

I found this following video about how we perceive time really interesting and helpful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJybVxUiy2U#t=14

As a gambler my perspective of time got distorted. Either constantly in the present and not worrying about any future consequences or worrying over past losses. I had very little future perspective. I was very much the child in the start of the video who couldn't wait and had to eat the marshmallow NOW. Any future desire would be this day dream state of the future with no bearing on the actual reality. i was in a constant rush to reach this fantasy land of winning the big one. I lived like this for years.

I know one of the common regrets of gamblers in recovery is time lost and not necessarily just money. Getting some perspective and balance on how you use time is essential. The present is very much a balancing act, it can be a great source of energy and enjoyment but without proper perspective of the past and future can be deadly to someone who has addictive tendencies.

I know through my recovery my sense of time has changed. Like a speeding car that's been travelling for hours at high speeds that's suddenly slowed down there is a shock to the system. It takes some time to adjust but once you start to climatise to your new surroundings you start to see things with new eyes.

I read this site and diaries and I see people who are for want of a better word "f***** up". I don't want this to come across in a celebration way like being messed up is something to be proud of but its not hidden, its out there for all to see. I feel that's a rare thing nowadays and especially online. I see so many online profiles and how people try to present themselves and it rings so hollow. I feel most people are not willing to admit or show the bad stuff they do. Hold your mistakes up, not with pride but with a mirror and an open heart. Respect to all that lay themselves out ...

On a more personal note..

...I am kept awake at night thinking how the hell I will hold everything together for the next month. I f*****g hate her and hate being that black and white at the moment because I know what she has gone through. There are layers to this, my dad is no help and for a long time was a cause of much pain to both me and my mum. A full on drunk and total b*****d for much of my youth. Things have changed since then far as his drinking has reduced but much remains far as fear and pain. I am finding it hard to process all this at the moment. Then my hate for dad boils up, he is the cause of this and he gets away with it scott free, thats how it feels. The last time they went on holiday I dreamed of an airline disaster as it felt like all my problems would disappear. A couple of weeks ago I was in the car with my dad and he admitted to me the things he did, all be it drunk. It was the first time he ever faced what he was like and came out and showed his cards. Like I said he is different now but you cant wipe age old blood away without leaving a stain. I hate coming across like a victim, I am aware of the situation and know I can change it. But everything is under the surface, sick of it. Tired of being scared.

Oh yeah for what its worth still gamble free. 18 months. In the words of Jesse from breaking bad, "YEAH b****"

hey Rob...

When you started posting way back in the day I knew you were a good sort. I saw that part of you that I also felt in myself and a person who has explored the darker aspects of the human condition but who was actually a good soul.

Your thoughts and anger never put me off posting as I also have felt the same way myself ....

I always felt that you were possibly one of the few people on this site who truly understood it from both sides and if you remember my intention was always trying to find ways to get you "out".

My mums addiction was an alcohol....she's long gone now,over 30 years...

I know you are a good soul and that you tread a very fine line.

My respect goes out to you 100% as in your position I don't think I would have coped as well as you and I'm not sure I would be here.

I wish you posted more Rob but I say that selfishly .. My wish is that you have a support mechanism around you of some sorts, friends etc ...a crazy woman :-)))

Xxxxx

Ps..

And pls ..don't say " for what it's worth I'm gamble free" because I think that is a big deal ..a MASSIVE achievement.

You are living "with the enemy " so to speak. Another couple of people have on here but it's a minority.

You totally get it from my side and I totally get it form yours!!!

You deserve a medal in my opinion xxxx

Rob, you really struck a chord with me talking about how people try to present a clean and "sane" version of themselves to the world (especially on the internet) and hide the dark stuff. I have nothing to say about this other than to give you a nod and a virtual hand of friendship and somehow silently join you in this profound appreciation of the possibility of some or all of us not hiding our human f****d-upness.