Thanks as alwaysfor your posts.
A week since my last heavy post and i am still gamble free, boys are round friends house for the day and i have just got back from doctors. I start bereavement counselling in the next couple of weeks and have refused anti ds and sleeping pills. I have managed thus far and will continue.
I am not depressed, just dealing with the mixture of emotions which at times just make me burst into tears... Medication this time round is not the answer, have had urges and cravings to gamble but this is just to numb the pain. Instead i have the cleanest house in se london, have painted my lounge and have removed/binned all connections with my family. Memories are what i am now left with, some good and some bad!!
My last post was aimed at myself, guess we have to forgive ourselves before anyone else can. I will try my hardest to let go of the past and stop torturing myself.
I have learnt alot in the last 15 months about myself and life in general.
Sept 9th last year was when i last gambled, that will not be repeated!!!
I hold it together for my sons, who i adore/cherish/love with all my heart and will always be there no matter what!
They will have a gamble free dad who will provide the best he can.
So the 3 lads from se london we plod on and i will try my best, to be a better honest person and a dad who shines through life's good and bad times.
tears keep rolling but my heart will mend in time.
thanks again for your posts, ands
Ands - wow, what a post!
You are one hell of a guy - honest, open and straight down the middle. I also detect a real determination to succeed and that is the most important thing. Time is a great healer and things will get better. At the moment, you're being the sort of father that any kid would be proud of!!
All the best
Hatch
Hi Ands,
Just had a read of some of your experiences in August and my warmest condolences towards your sad news. What you did with your sons was a lovely way to send her off - I too have been emotionally involved with child bereavement through my job and you really have to think deeply as to how to help children cope with this.
What you really must remember now is that you are a fantastic Dad to your two boys and you have come so far into your recovery journey - please don't give in to those evil demon thoughts who will think nothing of coming back to try and get you to throw money away. Especially during those vulnerable times.
You certainly have a huge determination to succeed and your boys will love you far more for this.
Stay very strong, mate, you can do this!
October (65 days to go)
Sorry to post again but I have just read more of your diary and you really are an inspiration to us all here. It is always really interesting to hear of someone who was well on their way to recovery before I came here earlier this year but yet still gets the odd urge.
The only people that can make the choice whether to gamble or not are US!
And we are certainly making all the right choices at the moment!
October (65 days to go)
Ands,i'm really pleased that you are coping better now,it takes time mate and you will get through this:).The counselling will (i'm certain) help you loads.Stay strong.
Seano.
Ands
Thought it a really nice touch what you have posted in support of DaveP, on his diary. Especially after all you have been through recently. Takes a big person to think of others, when at the same time, having their own issues to deal with it.
All the best
RayG
hey ands,
you sound really in touch with your emotions these days, and seem to understand yourself pretty well. Glad you are plodding on as best you can.
Just a quick pit stop cos Im full of cold and bleary eyed! You take care mate,
f x
Hey ands, just a quick cyber hug from me, you are managing so well, I'd like to bet you are even suprising yourself ( if I was a gambler which I am not of course) lol.
Take care
W xx
Just to say hi feller.
Ands,
Just checking in to see that all is okay with you mate. Hope you've had a great weekend - gamble free of course!!
All the best
Hatch
Hi ands,
just swinging by for a cyber-hug bro. Hope you are ok.
lots of love,
f x
Thanks for your posts, appreciated and nice to read.
Boys gone of to Alton Towers with there friends, left early for a long day. Still gamble free and i will not be gambling today!
Miss my mother and start counselling next week. My head is still full of what if's and not slept properly for a while now. But on i plod, back to work soon and my boys will be back to school! Been a s**t summer but my boys have had some fun.
16 days to go, then thats my official year of not gambling. Been a real tough year, full of tears, heartbreak, confusion, worry, deression and some happiness thrown into the mix for good measure! But 2010 will be a gamble free year!!
The person i blame for all my mistakes and bad choices is myself, its hard leaving the past behind and its even harder trying to forgive myself!!! I was rotten to the core, but not now.
take care whoever reads this, thanks again for the posts/support. ands
Morning Ands
Thanks for your post.
BIg well done on the approaching mile stone of a year.
With your continued abstinence, the only way is up! Despite everything else that is going on around us, we can only effect what we do.
Nice to see the boys have had some fun. Don't always need to have a s**t load of money for kids to enjoy themselves.
We haven't been away during the summer but the kids have had a good time. Busy every day for little expense. Sure that one will catch up with me next year though!
Take care mate
M
Ands
Thanks for your post on my diary.
I'm really glad to see that you are doing so well and coming up to a year of beating this disease.
Sorry to hear of your sad loss and hope that the counselling helps.
For someone like me who is more or less back to square one it's an inspiration to read of your continued success with all that has confronted you.
DD
Thanks Mr T and DD
Still gamble free, 14 days then thats a year gamble free completed!!
As far as my family go they washed away with the tide, like the farewells to my mother. Slept for 7 hours last night and thats the first time in a while. Thinking a lot clearer now, summer nearly over and the long dark nights of winter will soon be upon us. I like winter, frosty mornings and hopefully some white stuff!
Got through heartbreak without gambling and that makes me feel kinda chuffed with myself. Fed up of thinking negative and beating myself up.. Done some baking today with the boys which led to a huge flour fight and eggs being thrown at me, it was fun and my boys where in fits of laughter...these are the moments i live for, not staring at some screen in zombie mode.
Im back! took a little while, still sad but more determained than ever, gambling is not for me!!!
Gonna cancel the counselling cos i reckon it will do more harm than good.
ands
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