My name is Kyle and Im a compulsive gambler!
this is an update since I was last here in March 2011 after being 100+ days gamble free.
My old diary called 'my new diary by kyle the CG' some of you may remember. I wrote a short story called SURE SHARP about my 1st experience of gambling at 17. It was 9 chapters long and received amazing comments from loads of members on here, which really helped me
I first came here in January 2008 after some very destructive gambling sprees left me in a terrible place. I was encouraged to write down my feelings and experiences and found it very helpful. Its where i eventually wrote the short story as a form of therapy. I also found it very theraputic to comment and support other members and gained a lot of online pals.
Anyway time went on and I got better and drifted from the site only to come back in 2010 when my life had again hit rock bottom through destructive gambling cycles. I again kept a diary and shared my experiences. It was raw and honest and very difficult reading. I had some set backs but eventually made it to 100+ days. I left in March 2011.
Well here I am today as I have happily found this site again through a mistyped google search. It brought back a lot of memories and luckily i remembered my password. HAd a read through all my old diaries and shed a few tears. I can honestly say I can see the change in me. I could actually see when i was about to have a relapse. Thank goodness I was honest in my writing. All my feelings and opinions. It helps so much when you read them back. The experience IS why I feel i have the confidence to beat this.
This is by way of an update and to let you all know, I am one and a half years without gambling. Yes ... It can be done. Even by a destructive maniac crazy selfish idiot of a compulsive gambler like me. You too can do it. I havn't even though about this site in so long, but it was instrumental in me beating this disease. I know everyone is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. But inheritantly we CG's are all the same. I feel Non CG's will never truly understand us.
I have already read through a few diaries on here and I keep seeing the same patterns. I am looking forward to trying to help a few people on here and give as much support as I am able.
I will try and make this as quick as possible as I know my posts have a tendency to go on forever....... (and grammar and spelling is terrible, so just live with it lol)
Everything was fine after I left here 100+ days gamble free. I stopped counting and life was great. Managed to get debt free and savings for a flat. About MAy 2011 so 2 months after leaving I had a relapse. NO idea where it came from, but come... it did. LAptop gambling on online games, mainly roulette. Quickly lost all my money, got into small amount of debt. Luckily I managed to move into my new flat but had to confess all to my parents to hep me. After all the times before they were devastated. But of course helped me. I was now on my final warning with them. Biggest mistake was not coming back onto this site. I so wish I had. So gave over all control of accounts etc to my parents and things went well again for a few months. Got into 2012 its all going well, no debts, life and work are fine. Then in march 2012 had another relapse. Managed to get a credit card which was nothing to do with trying to gamble. Was supposed to improve my credit rating. Clearly it had as they gave me a massive limit £6k.
So fell back into gambling, hiding from my parents using credit card and after 2 months Im pretty much done in. Then it happens!!!! After a drunken night out i come home, log on and gamble my final few quid. its the perfect night and before I know it im checking out 12.5k up. My biggest win of my entire life. In my head everything is sorted. I have no idea how it happened but i just had a ridiculous run of luck on roulette. I was winning on single numbers with £50 and £100 chips on them. Crazy. And tbh the only reason I had to check out and stop was I played right up to the time I literally had to jump in shower and go to work. Amazingly the online site on my request immediately paid the money into my bank account. It was sitting there at about 1pm that DAY!!!! The whole 12,500 In my bank account! I HAD WON!
So there I am at work with a terrible hangover but knowing im Rich. I immediately pay off the 6K credit card. With bills for that month, leaving me about 4-5k up. When I get home i say to myself I will exclude, but i dont. I look at the account and there is £200 still in my account? so drunk i must have missed it. But im on such a high i close it down and didnt gamble. A week goes by and unbelievably Im in a horrible mood. Im anxious and angry. I feel guilt i feel shame. Just not happy at all with myself.
I need things for my house and go to IKEA and habitat etc with the intention of buying lovely things with this 5k that im up. But i cant bring myself to spend it. Im the most impulsive person, usually buying the 1st thing i like, but i cant bring myself to part with this money. I still havnt self excluded due to £200 being in the gambling account but i wont draw it out either. I manage to spend about £300on stuff from shops and thats mainly nice things and presents for other people.
So a week goes by and I start to play with this £200, telling myself just get rid of it and then exclude (I can hear you all laughing) Agin its unbelievable and im winning. gets up to £600- £800. I log out but dont cash out. On the next day and I take it up to £1400. Again I dont cash out.
Now I already know from my previous posts that MONEY is NOT the issue for me. Money is lovely to have but its not the motivator for my CG.
Anyway its end of may/start of June. I still have this 5k profit (if you can call it that) in my bank and £1400 in th egambling account. I have the NICEST day in ages, some great friends come to mine for sunday lunch. We all get hammered and I have just the best time. They are all gone by 6pm or so, but im still drinking. I get out the laptop and get £1400 chips ready to play roulette. LOST IT ALL IN 20 mins. I remember that clearly. 20 mins. I was stunned. How can i have done that. Im so unhappy... you can already guess the rest. I started to deposit...... well i had the worst luck ever and before i knew it i had deposited the entire 5k winnings in my bank account and lost it all and also about £1500 of my own money. i try to go sleep but i cant. Its early hours of morning. I have the monday off work. I remember the credit card.....
i deposit £3k over the next few hours and lose it all. luckily they stopped the transactions or i would have deposited more.
The next day i was just numb. My life had been turned 180 degrees round again. I wish I had comeback to this site at that point. I truly do. LAter that monday evening after squaring up the 3k transactions to my credit card company and getting it unblocked..... i deposited the reaming £3k and lost it all. final spin was about 6am on tuesday morning. HAdnt slept the whole day and i started work at 8am. How i got myself into work knowing I had gambled 12, 500 in 36 hours. I tried to justify it saying al i had lost was what i had won... but that didnt cut it. I took the payday loans and then payday came and i lost another £3k chasing my tail. towards the very end i had £40 remaining and built it up into £6, 000 at one point..... which would have saved me... but i kept hitting the button till it went back to £0
So June 2012 im once again destroyed. I have to tell my parents. This time it goes badly. My dad is so angry he wont speak to me. My mum makes out im on my own , but phones the next day stating she will help me one last time. She states my dad, who has been battling cancer for the last year BTW! is so mad at me he dosent want to speak to me. Im completely destroyed.
My dad loved london. He would come see me from scotland at least once a year for a weekend, sometimes twice if he could get away with it. He is a carer for my mum who is disabled. She dosent like the long journey so dosent come as much. He would relish the break away and was never happier when i would take him out to a pub and he would sit by the window and people watch. He used to say I was the luckiest bloke alive to have what I had. In the last 7 or 8 years i got very close to my dad because of this. He had got cancer but it had gone into remission luckily the year before.
So of course I was devastated that my parents took this lapse so hard. My dad had told me before that he was so proud of me. The last visit from dad had been jan 2012 when i was doing well. He was planning a trip in June, but because of what I had done, he cancelled it. I didnt speak to him or text him on the phone after that. All communication was through my mum. He started getting ill again not long after that. I didnt come up and visit as `i felt ashamed as my latest disaster was still so RAW. I was hoping once he was better he could come down at the end of year and hopfully i would be gamble free and he could see i was trying and i could take him out in london again and to leicester square. His favourite place for people watching.
I cant even see the screen as i type this, im crying and my heart is breaking all over again.
I had booked a flight to come see my family in September. im 3 months gamble free and doing reasonably ok. The day before my flight, my sister calls me on the phone. Shes crying. Im at home. She cant get the words out. I already know in my heart. My mum takes the phone. She is really really calm... They are in the hospital. Theres nothing they can do for him. he has pneumonia from the relentless chemo and radio treatments. he only has a short time left.... he wants to speak to me on the phone to say goodbye. I try to compose myself but im already shaking and crying. I hear a voice its so weak and croaky. I can hardly make out what hes saying. I tell him I love him over and over again. I completly lose it and my voice breaks into tears. Hes saying ive to 'keep good' 'look after your mum' and he said 'I love you' it only lasted about 20 seconds he was too week to talk. I screamed down the phone I LOVE YOU over and over and that I was SORRY. My mum came back on the phone and I fell on the floor and just cryed my eyes out. MY mum was just so calm, I have no idea how she done it. A short time later he died. With my sister and mum holding his hand. I wasnt there, but I am so thankful i got to say goodbye. Got to say that I loved him and got to hear him tell me he loved me.
It dosent stop the guilt. I will always carry that with me. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it never had to happen like that. I vowed on his memory that i would never gamble again after that.
It did not stop me though and i had a couple of minor wobbles on the way, but i try and justify them as after shocks. No matter what terrible things happens to you and who you lose, i learnt you can only stop if you want to stop.
Why did i tell you all that? basically ......honesty. It made me put things in perspective. Being honest to myself and what i wrote in my diary helped me. I dont care if you lie to people around you, but if your not honest to yourself, you cant beat this. I just made up my mind i would put ALL the blocks in place and give total control away to my mum. She is so amazing and its thanks to her that im 17 months gamble free. I love you mum.
reasding some peoples posts i can almost tell from what their saying that they still want to gamble... and if you still want to gamble you will find a way... eventually you will.
Every step here is helpful. Every relapse you have.. and you will probably have 1, if not 20. Thats not to be defeatest or negative. But you really just take it one day at a time. I do have a great theory about being a CG but i will save that for another post. This is way too long as it is. I know Im rambling... but who cares. WRITE IT ALL DOWN. EVERYTHING.
IT will hep you when you re-read your diary. If youve went wrong u will notice patterns and the way you think. You have to change the way you think. We learn from mistakes. Acknowledge that. Dont be afraid of failure. Its all part of the healing process.
And please.. if any of you need to make up with someone you love. do it now. before its too late.
Thanks for reading this massive post. All the best
Kyle
"The greatest win I will ever have, is to learn i will never win gambling"
Kylie what an amazing post. Thank you for sharing such raw and honest stuff. Ive had a really bad day today. One of the worst really that i can ever remember. But reading this puts things into perspective, brought me to tears.
Congratulations on being gamble free. You have my admiration and respect.
K
Kyle
Apologies for the typo of your name
K
So here's my theory.
I am a compulsive gambler. depressingly I know i always will be one. but encouragingly over time it does greatly diminish.
I first came here in 2008 and had various degrees of success and failure over that time. From what i learned and what I keep telling people is ....you have to learn your own triggers and reasons for why you personally gamble. I feel confident ~I have learnt mine... Mainly from re reading my diaries and exploring ideas that people have had and ideas I have come up with myself.
so here goes. I know everyone is different but i think all CG's are inherently the same.
I discovered that the 'voice' that made me want to gamble is always there. has always been there and WILL always be there. But it is set at a level. when i have been bad with gambling the level is high... when i have not gambled for a long time the volume goes down. I use the scale of 1 - 10. 1 being very low to 10 being very high. for my analogy to make sense lets say the 'voice' is a piece of music. and that piece of music is set to the level between 1- 10 of how bad my gambling is. my will power, urges, determination etc all affect my level.
So my level for gambling is playing a piece of music and im on level 4. which i generally regarded as my normal gambling urge level.
The trick i learned is, that that 'music' was always playing. ALWAYS PLAYING. I Always had it in me to give in to temptation and start gambling. it never went away. if i heard the music then i would gamble. learned behaviour. i hear 'the voice' or 'the music' and it makes me gamble.
now for the other side of the coin. please bear with me on this. it really does make sense.
Now lets look at your life. To oppose your thoughts about gambling.. you have your consciousness. you have your will power. you have other things to think about and do. your family your work your whatever's. Your LIFE is also a piece of music. Your theme tune, if you like. It is also set to a volume between 1 - 10. if your life is busy and full and rewarding you will be on a high level and your music is set loud. If your depressed upset angry or bored, your 'lifes' music's volume is set low
Now heres the point - If gambling music is set at volume 4, and your life music is at volume 7. you cant hear the gambling music...its drowned out. Your too busy or your in a good place, or getting on with other things in your life.... that you just dont hear the gambling music.. hence you dont get the urges.
Your life music will generally change day to day depending on what happens and thats the trigger to watch. because your gambling music will pretty much be at the same level dependant on the of the type of gambler you are. so for me at gambling level 4... if my life music drops down for whatever reason to level 4 or below . i will start to hear the gambling music again. start to get tempted. hear the old nostalgic music that triggers a relapse. the further your life music falls the louder you can hear the gambling music and the more chance you are going to gamble again.
sometimes you can get confused and tempted because your gambling level and life level are set at the same volume. so you get conflict. when you are really tempted but are still managing to hold off. The dangerous times when you have wobbles because you really want to gamble but manage to stop. you feel so at conflict with yourself. thats because your levels are so close to each other. you can hear both songs in your head.
The trick is to keep your life mucic high. It will always drown out that gambling music. you wont here it so you wont get triggered to gamble. It leaves us vulnerable when bad things happen to us. The volume on your life music gets turned down and you hear the old gambling music again. thats why you always have to have this in the back of your mind. The gambling urges are always inside you. always playing that music. That gambling tune! you have to drown it out with life music. drown it out with LIFE.
When you stop gambling you realise what a massive part of your life has gone. Hours and hours playing these games... with nothing to replace it. Most people end up relapsing out of boredom. You have to fill the space gambling left with other things. We CG's also crave risk and excitement. When thats gone... its hard to replace. You crave it so much... your gambling music gets cranked up so you can hear it again. It wants you to hear it so you can come back. You need that LIFE music turned up too so you drown it out again. Go jump out of a plane.. bungee jump... swim with a f@cking shark! whatever you have to do! But turn up that life music.
After 17 months gambling free I would confidently but cautiously say my gambling music has now dropped to about volume 1 or 2. My life's music is blasting out at level 7 and 8. sometimes 9. Im really happy. I wont get complacent though, because I know that way down in there, in a sad old corner, that gambling music is weakly playing out that old tune and if i get drawn in enough to hear it..... I will be vulnerable to relapse.
I hope that all made sense. It has worked for me. If this analogy works for you then great. If it dosent, work on it. You will find something else. What we have done as CG's is so crazy we try so hard to understand it. We are rational intelligent caring human beings. Why could we do these stupid and destructive things not only to ourselves, but to those we love? A big part of my recovery has been UNDERSTANDING why I did it. This helped me so much.
On another reason I have always had self esteem issues. Dont know why. I have always been told im fun, handsome, witty, a good person etc, but sometimes i just didnt believe it. I certainly now know a huge part of my gambling was a deliberate destructive side. Subconsciously I WANTED to destroy myself. I wanted to see what would happen if i had nothing. Who would help me. Who really loved me. Kind of like... If I throw myself in the river.... who will dive in and save me! Do you know what I mean.
Anyway another RIDICULOUSLY long post. Im so sorry readers. I just end up drivelling on lol
GET IT ALL DOWN. EVERY BIT. GOOD AND BAD. EVERY THOUGHT. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF
I promise you it will all help.
All the best
Kyle
The biggest win I will ever have is to learn I can never win gambling.
Mate,
I've been lurking amongst this site for a few months and finally started my diary coming up for two weeks now and no post to date has made me feel they way i did about your first one. Heartbreaking beyond words.
Firstly, I am so very sorry for your loss and the guilt and regret you have for the months and lead up before your dads passing. I'm sure he was so very proud of you and understood deep down your plight with gambling - He's your dad after all and he would have known your struggle. The best legacy and memory you could ever give the man is what you are doing now, 17 months free from this horrible addiction and doing it for many a good reason. Great going!
I think your post will hit home with a lot of people on this site mate and i thank you for posting a brutally honest and personal post, its certainly added to my journey on the road to never betting again. I'm only coming up for two weeks without a bet and have to say reading posts on this site and writing my own thoughts is the best medicine and remedy i could imagine. Things have definitely clicked this time and I know in myself this is it this time. Post's like yours reaffirm what i want and what i need to do and that's to get gambling, every aspect of gambling out my life for good.
Your post on the volume levels i totally understand and get too. Its really about keeping busy and having more important things going on in your life and in your head than gambling. I totally agree the gambling nature will always be there in each of our lives, but if we can keep it quiet and dormant, well that's all we can hope for.
Im sure we will get tested in different parts of our life going forward to see if the gambling wants to come out and play again, but we have to keep our guard up, remain strong and fill our time with fun things and just normal living.
Your part about wanting to self destruct really hit home with me mate, really hit home. I am like that too, i'm far from a bad guy but i will put myself in situations 'subconsciously' to see if i will destroy myself. Like whether its a relationship, gambling, a job, etc. Ill take things to the limit of no coming back, just to see if i can and who will bail me out and how i pick myself up from that. Its so strange and the question i don't understand, will never get, is WHY? Why do that to myself, test the boundaries so much.... I don't want to, but its truly like a little devil in me, saying 'its fine, someone will bail you out' or 'whats the worst that's going to happen'... Ill never understand my self destructing nature...
Anyway, i too am rambling, hah... Just want to say again, thank you for a truly amazing post and seriously well done on your 17 months, your dad would be right proud my man.
All the best bud,
Drew
Thank you so much Drew. I appreciate that. Ive msg you on your diary mate.
Evening Kyle,
I've read your two posts twice now in the last couple of days and have found myself being drawn back to them again tonight.....so for the third time I've just read them.
The first post is such an incredible, honest and brave appraisal of where you've been and is quite frankly one of the best posts I've seen on the forum in the time I've been here. I thank you so much for posting it and hope that you learn in time that your dad will have forgiven you and will be so proud to see where you are at. Forgiveness is such an important blessing that owe we have disappointed or hurt can give us. I truly believe in that last conversation you had with your dad, he was forgiving you. Try not to carry the guilt mate, it's counter productive in your journey - channel the emotion of guilt into the strength you need to keep going when the volume hits level 1 or 2.
Talking about the volume.........my life volume began to drown out the gambling music in reading your post........I totally get it and what a wonderful metaphor. Thanks for sharing.
Congratulations Sir on a truly inspiring series of posts and can you point me in the direction of your short story?
Thanks and take care,
Mr Brightside
Mr Brightside
Thank you so much for those kind and beautiful words. That has meant a lot to me. Truly it has .
My aim when I came back here was to try and help just one person, in even the tiniest way, to stop gambling.
If anything I have said has helped you then I am truly honoured and you are most welcome.
FYI the short story starts on page 7 of my diary entitled 'my new diary by kyle the CG' its from 2011 but that was a repost from my diary in 2008 when i wrote it on here as part of my therapy. I wrote one chapter a night and uploaded each chapter as I did it. It really helped me. Its full of grammar and spelling errors and a couple of bits that actually dont make sense any more lol... but I never edited it because I wanted to remind myself how RAW it was when I wrote it. I will bump it up to the top so u can find it easier.
Thank you again and all the best my friend. I will be checking in on you soon.
Kyle
ENERGY CAN NOT BE CREATED AND IT CAN NOT BE DESTROYED. BUT.......IT CAN CHANGE FORM
That is a law of physics
As a few very wise members on here have said "NO ONE WAS BORN A GAMBLER"
You have changed somehow into a gambler. Something within you made you one. There are many reasons. It will be different for all of us. But we CG's are inherently the same.
It stands to reason that if you became a gambler .... then you can un-become a gambler. IT CAN CHANGE FORM
Gambling it appears is energy. We feel it when we play. The need. The thirst. The risk and reward. The pain! IT CAN CHANGE FORM
Stopping gambling leaves a hole in your life. Add up the hundreds of hours thinking about it and playing it and hiding it. ENERGY CAN NOT BE DESTROYED.
You need to fill the hole that it leaves. Fill it with other things. Your old hobbies. Your neglected family. Your friends. Take a course, do charity work. better yourself. Anything! Fill it with life!!! If you miss the risk or the adrenaline... go jump out of a plane. CHANGE FORM
Good or bad. The time and effort you put into Gambling is an Energy. Change its Form into something else. Be Positive.
We all have it within ourselves to Change if we want to. You just have to believe it. You just have to be brave enough. You just have to look yourself in the mirror and say I WILL CHANGE. Its a law of physics. Would you argue with Einstein?
All the best
Kyle
Morning Kyle!!
Just checking in again.......wanted you to know what a profound effect your posts have had on me. I read "sure sharp" last night and what a fantastic piece of writing - the pictures you've painted with your words, the imagery they conjure up and the message it delivers is absolutely outstanding - Gamcare should be making that a sticky in all sections of the forum. Whatever you do for a living mate, you should be considering branching out into journalism or writing!
So, Cumbersnecks eh? I'm only a few miles down the road from you!! I find it interesting that I've been drawn to your posts......I used to be bothered by the day to day approach that we have to take at the beginning of the CG journey........and the way I've managed to rationalise it in my mind is by using a Glasgow to London analogy........I'm driving down the M74, M6 etc. route at night........the road is dark and my headlights only give me a couple of hundred yards of visibility.........but that's ok.......the light will continue to be showing me the safe way as long as I can keep my eyes facing forward. The risk for me is that I keep looking in the rear view mirror.......if I look behind me for too long, and letting regrets and guilt take hold, then I'll miss what's in front......and eventually I'll crash into a ditch. It doesn't matter that I can only see a short way ahead.....face forward and I'll stay safe.......and at some point the sun will rise and I'll see much more around about me. But Glasgow to London........you've gone from one to the other mate........and to me its fitting that you've got there safely.
So, this morning I had to present to a group of technical managers about the importance of having leadership in their tool box. I've been wracking my brain for the last week as to how I could kick the session off and really hook them in to the importance of their leadership over their functional capability. Cue the "volume" analogy........when they are at work, how loudly is their functional music playing vs their leadership music. Every one of them to a man had their functional music drowning out their leadership.......it was incredibly impactful for them. So not only have you had a hugely profound impact on my CG recovery journey, but your vivid description of a control technique has made a big difference at my work too!! My leadership music is booming out now, my life music is playing just as loudly......the gambling music is a whisper right now......I know it's there, but not loud enough to make a difference!
Can't thank you enough for your honesty and for taking the time to share.......
All the best,
Mr Brightside
Hi Kyle,
Sorry to read that the gambling rollercoaster has been taking you for a ride, I guess we can only accept that we are older and wiser than our first attempts to quit gambling here.
Past years are gone, and all we can change is 2014, 2015 and onwards, but while I can't argue with Einstein about physics, his views on time travel may conflict with what I have just said!
Keep taking the right steps on the journey, and make sure that nobody messes with your levels on that internal stereo!
Ryan
hi kyle
just wanted to say your posts are inspiring. thank you for sharing them.
linda
Hi Kyle,
Wow. Really inspiring post. I looked through your previous diary last night and I have so much respect for your honesty. I'm Day 6 but stories like yours give the belief that I can beat this. One day at a time.
Thank you
Kyle
Thank you for sharing your story.
Im lost for words, what a brave and inspiring post.
Seriously, so thought provoking, honest, educational and one that will set off many alarm bells and hopefully give a few people the push start to keep fighting when they think its safe to relax.
I am 150 days tomorrow. This last week has been up and down, more so than any of the last couple of months, i feel on a high, but also really vunerable. I think half of my head is getting cocky, the other half says slow down, get back, log onto here and read some stories and realise why you are on here.
Thanks Kyle for sharing your experiences.
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