The Gambling Nut being cracked

Hi

I am a gambler, an addict. I have been going to counselling and yet I couldn't close the last account down. I had always had a limit and never changed it. That changed yesterday. I am now back to where I was two months ago in an overdraft my partner doesn't know of. I do have a loan which includes old debt from gambling and extra stuff. I wouldn't say it's acceptable but it's better than others situations.

For me it has been a journey to understand why I do what I do and why I haven't managed to stop it permanently. I guess the threat of losing everything slips when you enter the world of gambling. Yet when your not in that world there's always a small nut reminding you of what you can be doing. This is the gambling nut, and in order to crack it you need to listen to yourself. Listen to what you are shutting out. It isn't easy and until this afternoon I have been saying I don't know why and I need to know. After my fall back down I went for a walk, started to feel sick so went back. I was upset and stressed. I thought to myself why do I forget this when I do it? The answer - my right mind isn't in control. I decided to write a list of what makes me sad, which turns out to be a lot. On writing this list I realised the thing which really upsets me is my dad being ill, he has rare illnesses. Since he got ill I worry I will lose him. He's self employed and continues to work. What I have always wanted to be able to do is give him enough money so he doesn't have to work anymore. So he can be happy and stress free... How can I do that? How can I get a lot of cash quick? By trying my luck...but miraculously my luck ran out after the first win...ironic? Now I am in debt and he is upset that I am in this situation and gambled, not the result I wanted.

I then wrote a list of what makes me happy, surprisingly smaller than the sad list but then this was more generic, like my parents and partner and holidays. It soon made me smile and made me feel better. That's when I realised the gambling sites and companies want you to feel sad and alone, that's when you are going to put your last pennies in trying to get back what you lost. That's when you shut off your right mind because your too worried to face what really is wrong. It's a shame that it has taken me until just now to realise this. But I am glad I now have. I will continue my counselling and approach her with my views, I need that reassurance and confirmation that I am not just talking rubbish. But I don't feel like I am and in fact it is the clearest my mind has been in a while.

So I would like to say hello to the real me, the old me I lost four years ago. I missed me and enjoyed me, and can't wait to see what I will do in the future. I wish all luck with their progress in cracking their own gambling nuts and some may find this a helpful solution/tool/exercise. Obviously it is an emotional thing to do and so be prepared to feel even worse which you may feel is impossible but you are actually writing down what actually emotionally impacts you. I plan to continue updating on my progress.

xoxo - the real me