The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Settling down to watch repeats of Dexter and drink tea with my wife.

For anyone who does not know Dexter is a secret serial killer who preys on the wicked.

The series started around 10 years ago around the time my gambling addiction took hold. Dexter is a character I always related to. He is an addict who cleverly and selfishly does anything he can to satisfy his addiction for blood.

His character is complex. Throughout the series he seeks to find himself and to learn self acceptance. He strives to be normal but does not feel he ever can be or deserves to be . His selfish pursuit of satisfying his addiction destroys so many of those around him. So often he comes close to self- destruction. He is always watching his back and covering his tracks. At times when he is off guard he feels remorse and then in the cold light of day he recognises the enormity of his crimes and is mortified by the consequences of his actions and at the thought of his punishment.

That pretty much sums up my experience of addiction in a nutshell.

Dexter is a great watch but also an inadvertent commentary on the life of an addict whatever floats your boat.

Great to relax and watch it and to not feel like it is some how judging me!

Markman 170DGF still

I just cannot let this thread go. So much of it I am unhappy with but The Philanthropists is my staple. My way for so many years.

The parts I am unhappy with are part of my journey. To keep my my recovery true the Philanthropists may have to March on.

Living Life in all its Fullness is great, but perhaps more suited to Success Stories.

I do not want to be saying how great life is every day, because I still have worries even without gambling and I certainly do not want to laugh in the face of those that are still strugging.

Something to ponder.

Markman 178DGF

Morning Markman,

Sorry for the slow reply, been busy with family etc.

20 more days and you'll be hitting 200 days gf, then not so long after you will have the reward of taking the family on holiday, you should feel really proud mate.

Gambling for me right now is at the back of my mind, yesterday I had some spare time and was in town and before now it would have been too easy to 'try £10' those thoughts seem a distant memory but I am also aware that at anytime they can come bouncing back.

I'm still off work at the mo so have been focusing on me and what I want to do going forward, still very undecided but once back from our holiday I'm hoping my head will be back where it once was.

Hope your doing well my friend.

Shaun

Today Marks Rosie and my 13th wedding anniversary.

By pure coincidence it is exactly 6 months to the day that I placed my last bet and promised Rosie that I would turn our lives around. So far I have kept my promise.

We are used to living humbly so will exchange anniversary cards in the morning, go to work and then share some pizza with our two little darlings in the evening.

Sadly as a family we are not in the best of celebrating moods and we will negotiate tomorrow with heavy hearts as we learned that this evening a little boy from my Zoe's school passed away at Great Ormond Street Hospital. He suffered a shock as he had a cheese allergy and a boy in his class pressed cheese against his neck to wind him up. Poor boys. One has lost his life whilst the other has thrown his away. As a father with a son who suffers acute food allergies I can only blame the education system. There needs to be more education about allergies and just how easy and severe reactions can happen. That poor boy should never have died. The boy with the cheese had no idea what his actions would have done. He was just being a silly boy.

I pray that the family comes to terms with their loss, that the other boy is treated fairly and this leads to a greater awareness of the dangers faced by allergy sufferers.

I know that another wedding anniversary will not pass without us remembering that poor little boy. I am also reminded, God willing, how very blessed I am and I must never forget that.

Evening Markman,

Firstly a massive happy anniversary and also reaching 6 months, your doing a great job mate keep up the hard work.

I'm really sorry to hear about this little boy, just before reading your post I seen this in the news Andy only just mentioned it to my wife, so sad for both family's involved, my heart goes out to them.

It's really does out life in to perspective.

Any way hope your enjoying the evening with your wife and we'll catch up soon.

Shaun

Thanks again for your kind words Shaun.

Our anniversary yesterday was very low key and much of it was spent in contemplation of poor Karanbir. His tragic story has now made the national news and my wife who has a prominent role on the school PTFA spent much of the afternoon fending off lecherous journalists who sourced our home telephone office from the electoral role.

As I type I myself feel guilty of sensationalising another family's tragic loss for my own diary, however we are a sensitive family and have all been very moved by this horrible event.

My son Louis has numerous allergies and carries an epi-pen. Unlike my beefy self, Louis is very lightweight and sensitive which has always made me feel particularly protective over him. Now even more so.

I am now into my seventh month of abstinence from all forms of gambling and to tell you the truth gambling does not even come as a thought. What was once second nature is now purely an afterthought at best. I am now focusing on the real issues.

Markman 182 DGF

M

Giving up gambling is the best decision I ever made. Life is good without addiction holding me down.

Markman 194 DGF

Running around like a madman at the moment. 3 weeks to until will go on our annual week long Cornwall escapade and I cannot wait. This is usually the time I mentally breakdown and spend sleepless nights wondering which friend or client to beg for a loan. Not this time. The holiday has been paid for and my wife has our spending money safely tucked away in her account so I cannot touch it without her knowing - but why would I want to and rob my family of the break they deserve. So I seem to spend every waking hour in the office getting up to date so we can leave bright and early on 18th August and not look back.

Before then is the Karate training tonight (having had a 20 year break. I am two months into my comeback. I have started again as a white belt but have just been graded without even realising). Hopefully the weight will start to peel off!

Then Cricket on TV later this evening - rain allowing. Come on Panthers!

And tomorrow, Emirates Cup and two matches with my little man in North London. Come on you reds!

So much to look forward to. Things I should have been able to do many years ago, although I could never have appreciated them as much as I do now.

I suppose with life, as with a football match, the referee needs to spoil the first few minutes, to make good the rest of the game.

Markman 199 DGF

Great stuff Mark . 200 Days GF tomorrow plus your happy in your recovery , that has got to be a big plus . Your positivity sends out a good signal to me way back in the field . With Matt galloping up to 300 days as well , it has really boosted my determination and made me feel so so happy ..... stephen

Markman

Fella it is with strength and honour I salute your double century.

Fair play to you my dear friend you have ridden through some tough times fella, now please enjoy the product of your efforts.

Enjoy your holiday, not too many pasties or cream teas!!! No good for the karate 🙂

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Good Morning Diary,

I have two solid days of hard work left and then I can finally enjoy my reward - one week in St Ives with my beautiful family.

The past 6 months have seen me focus on nothing other than my recovery - total abstinence, attention to my family and my employ.

6 months ago - never in my wildest dreams would I have believed that I would be where I am now.

Addiction only serves to blind the most observant and perceptive of people. It makes you believe that you need it in order to survive and takes away all belief that you can recover.

One dark night some 6 months ago I was parked in a dark layby in the small hours of the morning on a lonesome country road a good few miles outside of London - no idea where I was going - just needed to get away - even for a few hours. I cried and screamed from the top of my voice "what have I done?"

I am grateful that I was never in danger of doing myself any physical harm, but I was crushed mentally and spiritually. I returned home before dawn and my family had no idea that I had been out. I knew I could not carry on like this. My life was crumbling like a ruin as was everything and everyone around me. I finally accepted that recovery was something to be take very seriously.This was the difference.

This coming Friday I be will sitting in the same seat in the same car, but this time not alone, but with my family by my side and with a broad smile on my face.

Whoever happens to read this, I will you the courage and strength to fight this addiction - have belief - it can be overcome.

Markman 216 DGF

Fantastic progress Markman well done.

Time to enjoy you holiday now! Just think back to when you wrote about a previous holiday and how you had to explain the lack of funds. Not trying to depress you! Just wanted to point out how far you have come. Keep posting keep reading and keep strong. Day by day it gets better. Well done on over 7 months gamble free a great achievement.

Paulds

I really enjoy reading such inspirational stories. I am just completing the first 24hours GF. Long road ahead but glad i am here!!

Well done again

Markman.
Fella enjoy yourself,one thing that makes me smile about St Ives is I believe the absence of a bookmaker. Now that is poetry in itself.
Remember not to many cream teas or pasties!!
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.