The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Thanks again Duncs.

If I do not home home 50 pounds heavier through excessive pasties and clotted cream consumption then my Cornish holiday is in vain!

Bizarre that I should be hearing London Seagulls shrieking outside as type!

Markman 220 DGF - Cornwall here we come!

Morning Markman

I was in St Ives a couple of weeks back; it's a lovely place but watch out for the seagulls there, they have a real attitude. I decided to visit Lands End whilst there because I told my family we were close to "the end" of Cornwall, but, not having a car, took the only other mode of travel, the bus.

2 hours later (!!!), via Penzance, we got there - but worth it!!!

Hope you have a great time!

Mixer

Markman.
Fella I hope you had a great holiday and reaped the rewards of the effort you have given to gifting yourself the opportunity.
I had a vision of you struggling to fit in your office chair and you having to have your trousers unfastened due to all those delectable goods on offer!!!!
I love scones, well I don't really but they are the perfect vehicle to transport the jam and Cornish cream which I do love!!!!
Oh and It goes without saying that it is the home of some great fudge and the hallowed Cornish pasty.
A place doubtless that you will have many great memories for.
You earned the right with the choice to live selflessly.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

I returned from holiday on Friday. Sadly it was far from perfect. I guess I had built it up far too much in preceding months. My mother-in-law came along which really limited where we could go and what we could do. She ended up having a fall so a fair amount of time was spent in Penzance A and E. Thankfully her injuries were superficial and she will fully recover soon.

Saturday morning I am completely overwhelmed with the disappointment of my return and the stress of going back to work. So I succumb to my urges to gamble and have spent the last week a gambling slave once more.

I am such a wally! I absolutely turned my life around this year and I very nearly turned right back onto the road of self-destruction!

I have been open and apologised to Rosanne. I will do my best to make amends.

I am a very lucky man as Rosanne also holds the families money in her bank account so there was no scope for me to do any finanacial damage.

However, the mortification I feel at having let down myself and those around me hangs very heavy on mind and spirit. I feel exhausted.

I will now try and get back to focusing on my recovery and the important thinks that matter.

Markman 0 DGF

How Markman? You've got to shut those doors man!

Glad your MIL isn't too poorly, sorry that it ruined your holiday but you have to find a safer way to negotiate the blue days.

Have you considered what you were hoping to achieve? It wasn't gonna change the holiday. You have to play that tape through to the end every time you get an urge & reach out before so you don't have to apologise afterwards. Back on the horse my friend, your army alongside you - ODAAT

It took me 2 minutes to sign up with a new site on an old phone.

Phone has since been destroyed and another one self-excluded from.

The problem is there is always a new company and if I want to get rid of the blocker on my PC I simply go back to factory settings.

I did not gamble on holiday. I at least gave my family that.

I am actually in exactly the same position I was in a week ago, only I am hurting very much. I have let myself and those around me down. My counter is back at zero.

Rather than run away from the forum like I did in the past and get into deeper trouble. I am going to learn from this lapse.

It was different this time. I was actually scared to death and nervous from the moment I placed that first bet. Like never before.

Once again the fear of betting horrifies me. That is how I felt 6 month ago when I gave recovery my all and it is that was helped me get my life back on track.

I have worked very hard in the office today and I have a clear head and the urges have passed. I accept what I have done and I accept the need to focus on recover once more.

I am now looking towards the new year. If can get through a year in which only one week has been ruled by addiction then I have done well.

I have another hour or so to work through and will go home to congratulate my daughter who, with her amazing violin playing is the first person ever from her high school to represent the local youth orchestra.

Tomorrow, my little man starts his football training for the season and I cannot wait.

Life and recovery go on!

Markman 0DGF

Markman
Fella it takes a very brave man to admit to their shortcomings, I know it wasn't long ago that I wiped over a thousand gamble free days from the ongoing count with an act that was frighteningly easy to do.
My dear friend pick yourself up and learn from your latest episode.
The old saying is for me profoundly true
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I have re thought my entire outlook,I am truly acting upon the outcome of that because I can from it be the man who I want to be.
We share a fortune worth more than the outcome of any punt.
The unconditional love of another.
Don't gamble that away.
I wish you clear thinking.
A huge well done for not burying your head in the sand.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Many thanks Kelly and Duncan for your uplifting words last week.

I am now looking forward to starting a new run with immediate effect!

I am back at work this morning.

Over the weekend I withdrew my month's spending money cash (a humble sum but money nine the less) and have this in a tin in our bedroom. I have taken a couple of pound with me for lunch and petrol. The rest of our scant savings are held by Mrs Markman who will not breach her trust.

This way Mrs Markman can see (if she wants to) what is there but also there is no scope for my using Mr Bank Card if I suddenly feel I cannot cope and need to hide away from life itself for a while!

Even stronger blocks now in place.

So I find myself back in my office this dreary Monday morning, imaging what life would be like if I was driving cattle up country, or a bus, or racing to the scene of an accident to pick up the pieces, or captaining a boat through choppy seas, or perhaps cooking up something magical with a big white mushroom hat whilst screaming exdpletives at the kitchen hands, or perhaps using excessive force with a baton (with the side handle) on a bad-guy, or pulling kittens from a fire, or sitting quietly in my study writing my poems or stories, or being ravished and strangled (in some new-fangled-h*mo-erotic rendition) by Othello on stage... or sweeping the street. Would I be happier?????????

Markman

I am feeling much better today. All focus is on work. No time at all given to addiction.

In fact, I feel just how I was feeling two weeks ago before my lapse. It feels as though it has not happened.

The only thing that is different is the day counter, but I know that I have not gambled for 220 of the 230 of so days of 2017, so I am taking recovery seriously and will continue to do so.

Markman

Very much regretting my terrible lapse two weeks ago.

Looking back, I was totally exhausted and overwhelmed with work having just got back from holiday to a terrible mess at work. The perfect conditions for my weakness to be exposed.

Whilst my social and financial poisition as not alerted, my mood is not the same.

The high and pride I was feeling at being a "non-gambler" is all but forgotten.

I need to be stong, focus on the things that matter and establish another "run"

I want my pride back. "I do not gamble".

Markman

Markman
Fella I often find myself saying
'it is what it is'
You cannot change the events of the past,you can however let them have a profound effect on your future.
I believe how positive or negative that is, is up to our making.
Don't dwell on the past,learn and move on.
Equally don't let addiction lead you to believe that if you put a gamble free 'run' together that entitles you to go at it again.
Because that's what it wants you to believe.
We both know the outcome of listening to addictions waffle.
Devastation.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs

I use the "it is what it is" maxim all the time. You can only dwell on the past and not change.

Delighted to see you "stepping forward never back once" more.

What has always helped me is to count my blessings.

I have so many. There is no reason for me to feel low and give addiction a look in.

These past two weeks have proved another maxim - "I cannot win because I cannot stop." One bet and all I want is another and all of a sudden I lose all of my focus and contentment with life.

So I console myself with a Spanish Omlette and Some Oriental Style soup for lunch. Not an orthodox combination but ultimately satisfying.

Now, I plough through the afternoon, yearning to be back home with my beloved family.

Markman

I am feeling very grateful today to be gamble free and 100% focused on what is really important.

So that is the second (as usual) school run off the day done. I sit in the car outside little man's school about to continue the 10 mile drive into work.

A beautiful sun shining day in Greenford this morning. A subtle chill in the air which tells me that Autumn is upon us.

A new season offering new opportunities and chances for personal development. I am not going to cower like before but will make the most in the run up to the new year.

Markman

After my brief relapse a few weeks ago I remain on the wagon and committed to recovery.

Very busy with work, study and family - the things that matter.

Markman

A beautiful morning. Up early to be greeted in the living room by young Louis who never seems to sleep. Always a very loving and cute son when not trying to he a 9 year old teenager.

Bacon and brown sauce sandwiches for breakfast downed with a rare cup of coffee.

On with the sunglasses and then out to mow the lawn for the first time since we came back from holiday. Very long grass so will need the machete and a few hours.

Brother in law and family coming over later so buffet lunch planned.

Looking forward to NFL at Wembley later. Wembley is only a half an hour walk from home. If I keep addiction at bay I will treat myself to some tickets next year.

Otherwise a quiet Sunday!

I look up at this post. Filled with blessings. Something gambling can not add to but can only take away.

Markman