This is it.

Hi Jay , just a quick drop bye to welcome you to the forum , your in good company here buddy as were all master's of illusion and know more tricks than Dynamo :)) and the best one is making money dissapear right ? .

You can change my friend and at 29 youv'e your whole life ahead of you to make a difference , this place is great for talking things over with others and full of usefull tips to keep you outta trouble , I've gambled most of my life but since coming here 2 yrs ago I've not had a single bet , so if I can do it ................

If you need any info about blocking software and self excluusions just ask either on here or look at the gamcare site for usefull tips or maybe call an advisor if you need a one to one chat ,

As i said just a quick one to say Hi but I'm sure I wont be the last you'll talk with :))

Stay safe Jay and I'll talk to you soon :))

Hi Alan,

Thank you very much for your kind message, was nice to read first thing this morning.

So here it is day 1. By now I would have checked the entire sporting itinerary for the day, probably lost / won £200 on some Indonesian basketball I know nothing about and the first thing I notice is the quiet. There is no adrenaline in my stomach, no excitement. I am looking around at my colleagues wondering what they do for excitement Monday to Friday. I have checked the news and have made a few calls for work but I am wondering how I am going to replace the excitement! Tonight I am playing football after work with my mates then going to the cinema to watch Dunkirk. I have about £100 left until payday, two weeks on Friday and I would normally just go and whack that on something this morning and make up some story to borrow some money from elsewhere. I have always paid my friends back and have £900 left to pay of a 3k debt. I also have further gambling debts of 2k which have come down a lot so not too bad. I think I must have had 1000's off of my parents in the last ten years though. Money that they couldn't afford and went without to give it me. All of it down the bookies plus a good chunk a month of my own. I could have bought a house with that! How can I put this right? I will unlikely be ever able to repay them the money that I have had. Maybe being a good gamble free son and treating them to things when I get the chance might help? If anyone has thought on that I would be most grateful. This is the main source of my guilt and I am desperate to make everyone proud of me. Mrs Jay is amazing, she also does not know I have a problem, thinks that our bills are just high and at the moment I don't feel that I can tell anyone the truth. My plan is to not come clean about this until I am fully recovered. None of them would be able to handle it so I need to put this right and come out of the other side. Maybe I will show them this diary in two years when I feel I am a good way through this. Also, I am going to do my fantasy football team tonight. My mates all want to put £20 in until the end of the season. Do people think that is acceptable? It isn't really a bet and I never get carried away with things like that, The same as lottery or scratchcards. They just don't bother me, so is it ok to still buy the odd lottery ticket? It is just fixed odds betting and online sportsbooks. I have self excluded all accounts and am feeling that I can beat this. Sorry for the long rant, the next few may be like this whilst I spout off and get into a routine. Here goes!

I think a lot of people would argue that buying the odd scratch card could lead to a dangerous slippery slope. Personally I abstain 100 per cent from all forms of gambling - your call.

In terms of being honest - whatever you decide to do is up to you. Again a lot of people on this forum might see your post above and insist you must tell your wife everything as part of your recovery (I did) but again it's a personal decision and if you have reasons to not want to reveal your problem right now that has to be respected.

A bit of advice - set realistic and manageable goals. For example, some people follow the one day at a time approach instead of saying "I'm never going to gamble again".

Try and be a bit kinder to yourself. No-one sets out to get addicted to gambling and there are lots of reasons why as individuals we did.

Best wishes, Phil.

Hi Jay,

Firstly welcome to the forum. Admitting the problems you have is of course the first step.

If you have read my diary in it's entirety you know you can lose everything, not just your money. It sounds like you have a very supportive family and Mrs Jay. I would say the first step is to tell them about your problems, release yourself from the shame, you will be surprised at their reactions I guarantee it, they will want to help.

Go get some councelling (we all gamble for a reason, we may not know what that is). The only way to kick it is to completely abstain, not even a lottery ticket. There is a book called the Easy Way to stop gambling by Allen Carr, it really is an invaluable read in my opinion. The debts and money lost has gone, don't dwell on those. Each day you don't gamble is a day richer, WE CAN NEVER WIN. You have already said you have a 100 quid and usually that would be gone, well it isn't and the proof is in the pudding. There is no quick way out so patience is key and faith that things will get better and easier.

A fantasy team is a good idea, if you CAN AFFORD the £20. It is a hobbie and will keep you interested.

Life isn't always exciting, it sounds like ther is some kind of void at the moment. I drew up a bucket list of 100 things to do before I die. Some are very achievable (send my mum flowers once a year on a non special occasion), some not so easy....set a Guinness World Record. Either way a life without gambling frees you not just financially but in body and mind to appreciate everything a little more.

I wish you all the very best in your recovery and keep this diary up, the support here will help and we are all in the same boat.

Take care

Matt

Morning Jay .

Replacing the buzz or excitement we gained from gambling is a difficult one , in my opinion the longer you go gamble free the easier this becomes but it's more about making changes in your life to move forward and finding things to fill the time you used to gamble with , new hobbies , gym or just about anything that holds your attention for a while . The urges will come and go but you will have to fight that urge to gamble sometimes a minute/ hour or day at a time .

I know you said you don't want to tell anyone until you are recovered but unfortunately recovery is for life , we control our addiction but were never cured and the general consensus on here with anyone who has stopped for a good lenght of time is that Honesty is the best policy , us gamblers are a very secretive lot and your addiction loves that , by keeping the " Dirty little secret " to yourself you doin't have to justify yourself to anyone , the secret remains your's and that also leaves the door wide open to pick up where you left off any time you choose , honesty and transparency are the key to success.

It's not easy to sit and have that conversation with your loved ones but they probably have an idea anyway ? and it's far easier if you do it in a controlled way rather than being found out at a later date . For me it was one of the most difficult things to do but for once in my life I needed to be honest to move forward , as alway's it's your choice but I know which way I'd go everytime .

Fantasy football bet ! Really ? . Mate were compulsive gamblers and I don't know anyone who can continue gambling in any form and still control it , your giving up gambling so your going to be drawn into other areas that were never a problem to you but will soon take over , such is the power of addiction and the mind of an addict :(.

Sorry to sound all doom and gloom but the one thing you'll get here is honesty as weve all walked in your shoes that being said it is all doable it just requires changes to your life and commitment :)).

Take care Bud and I'll talk to you soon !

Hi Phil, thanks for the message.

For me it is the chasing losses and always having to have the buzz of a big bet in play. I am going to abstain from fixed odds gambling at both bookies on the high street and online. I also won't play any kind of FOBT or fruit machines (as these don't really bother me anyway but keeps me out of the places where they are). I'll also abstain from any kind of casino games both in a casino or online, again these don't really bother me too much. I am normally quite a clear thinker so I can normally stay strong once I get into a rhythm I hope. I guess time will tell.

Hi Jay

I just posted on your page then realised youd posted on mine .

The answer to your question " What made me stiop " , I posted to finally getting a divorce on the new members page yesterday post 39 which will answer your question , the other parts I'll have to get back to you on as I'm at work now .

Talk to you soon Bud :))

I think Alan is right about the fantasty football. It might seem harmless but....

After a while the "need" or desire for that buzz will fade as other recovering compulsive gamblers have described.

At some point take a few deep breaths and maybe decide if you would benefit from counselling through Gamcare, or attending GA or Smart Recovery meetings.

When it comes to high street bookmakers or casinos I would suggest you self-exclude from as many as you possibly can.

Hi all,

Thank you for the messages. Brought everything into focus quite a bit. Normally go to the bookies at lunch for a few dogs but am pleased to report that I have just got back from table tennis now just at work again. I have told the Mrs that I am going to right this diary as I want to stop gambling. I just cited that it was taking a lot of my time up and that it was putting me in a bad mood when I lost. Such is my ability to keep this secret, I can put on a brave face after losing £1000 even and make out like nothing has happened. So I haven't gone into the depths of everything. I have a 4k loan that I need to pay off too and i will out of my spare money each month but I have made the decision that I am not going to mention that until it has been paid off. I am going to do the fantasy football, I am not going to lie and say I am not going to do it. After reading other diaries, I know this seems Naive but I feel that I may need to make my own mistake. It is not betting every week. It is £20 for the season and the winner gets paid out next May. I don't feel like this will derail me and it will keep my occupied and will be a laugh with the lads. Again I will be completely honest on here and if it proves to be a mistake, I will do nothing gambling related again. I just want to avoid sitting at home betting on sports that I know nothing about and spanking 100's in the bookies! I will never place a bet in a bookies ever again. I hope that I will be able to stick to this statement. No real urges so far, I just want to see if I can do it and I need time to tell. What stage do people feel that they can put it to the back of their heads and focus on other things in life? It takes up the majority of my thoughts it seems normally! Thanks again, this is proving invaluable already, even at this early stage!

I just read your diary and I can relate to your issues alot and I'm like you I'm doing it olone. Alot of people say honesty best but u can read alot of story's on here that actually direct otherwise but I will say tell someone u trust. I tend to bet on stuff I never new nothing bout. It's like I know tom will be hard as I'm a football fan and I'm a gooner but I have multi self excluded so at least I have blocks in place so i will be ok. I have joined a couple of dream team leagues there yearly things so yes there ok

Hi again Jay :)).

As I said it's your recovery your choice really mate and you have to do what you feel is right for you , It's just honest advice on how it was for me and no judgement .

2 yrs on for me and I'd be lying if I said I didn't get the odd thought about gambling , it's hard not after 35 plus years of doing it but it's more of a fleeting thought these day's instead of the stomach churning thought's I had after first stopping , there just cravings really like giving up smoking , like withdrawl symptoms ? , they do get easier but you have to fight them at times , go for a walk with no funds in your pocket or read a book watchging a box set is alway's a good one , even taking a shower can snap you out if the moment , stick yer head in a bucket of glue if it works mate as long as you get past it really ! , If you don't make the first bet the second won't follow :)) .

Morning,

Day 1 successfully negotiated. Didn't really struggle too much as played football and went to the cinema. Football season starts tonight which no doubt will be tough, however I am ready to change and am dreaming about being debt free in the future and the things I will be able to do. I would love to own my own home at some point but that feels a long way off at the moment as my credit rating is about 400 out of 900. Anyway, Onwards & Upwards. Here's to day 2 and another day of not gambling.

Day 2 done and on to day 3! Went to the pub to watch the football with the lads. No bet, discussed it with the lads a second they all had bets but I didn't wilt. Been playing tennis this morning, won 3-0 which was a buzz and then just been for a walk with the Wife. Good day so far, not checked sports scores or odds or anything!

Day 3 done and dusted. Onwards and upwards to day 4. Went to the cinema again last night and it was incredibly relaxing to know I didn't have to check on a bet. No adrenaline of winning / losing £500 but am beginning to understand when people say on here I cannot win because I cannot stop.