Hello, not sure how to start this because this is rather odd for me to write this and join a forum like this. If anyone reads or reply to this you can call me NWDare.
I am addicted to gambling.
I've known this for a long long time, I suppose if this is going to be a diary as such I suppose I should start from the beginning.
This will be a long entry as hopefully explaining certain things in my life and how things got to this stage, it might stop other people letting things get out of control, and that even though I am writing this to admit to it to myself, I also want to help others.
I m a 28 year old male and I had a nice upbringing, certainly no major problems in that department until I suppose when my parents divorced. I was in high school at the time so was between 12-14, cant remember when exactly. Obviously as a kid you take it pretty hard and I struggled at school at little, nothing major but when I started seeing my dad on a weekends that's when I suppose (even though I didn't realise it at the time) my thoughts about gambling started.
Even though my dad caused the breakup he took it pretty hard and began drinking heavily (again I didn't know this at the time), but then one night he crashed his car into someone and was arrested for Drink Driving.
Before I continue I am talking about this stuff mainly for myself to remember how it all started and how my life has been up to now.
Everyone was shocked and to cut a long story short my dad was lucky he didn't lose his job but was banned from driving for 2 years and was fined and obviously had a criminal record. This Is relevant because as a result of not being able to take us anywhere he just decided to take us to the arcades to play a little and have something to eat.
I enjoyed playing the slot machines (albeit not with my money) and every weekend I used to look forward to going to the arcade with my dad and was actually a little angry when for whatever reason we didn't go one weekend. This is obviously small time money 5p slot machines maybe 2p spinners that sort of thing.
Fast forward to college to when I was 16 I suppose it went a stage further. I used to get money for attending college (£30 a week) and I would sometimes on a weekend when I didn't see my dad I would just nip into the arcade and use probably about half my money and use the other half for food for the week so as not to arouse suspicion as to where my money has gone.
At this point things weren't getting out of hand but I can see looking back this is where it started to escalate. I think back to a few occasions when I was between 16 -18 and realise when I had extra money for whatever reason I usually spent it in the arcades, at one point I think I spent all the money I got for Xmas in there probably about £200, which was an awful lot to me at the time. Then when I turned 18 I went to Uni and the real problems started.
A lot of things happened to me during the time I was there, a lot of it is relevant but I will try and keep it brief if I can. My first mistake was trying to find the cheapest accommodation I could find to have more money (although I was not thinking of gambling much of it at the time). Then the 2nd mistake was it was right next the the student union I.e. a pub with slot machines.
I had a miserable time during my first year and although I passed the 1st year I had drank very heavily – probably alcoholic level – and had difficult friendships with some people coupled with the terrible room I was in contributed to me drinking and gambling heavily. Most of this being my fault of course.
Anyway in the next year I had a girlfriend and was feeling good about the 2nd year I wanted to really try, cut down the drinking and gambling and get through to the final year.
And I actually managed it – for about 2 or 3 months.
It became clear to me that I was really really struggling with one part of my course which I needed to pass, and one night I spent 12 hours trying to complete this assignment and by the end of the 12 hours I literally had a blank page. Realising that I was never going to pass this course with all the help in the world I started giving up. Not turning up to lectures and stuff like that – all the time gambling and drinking.
Just after Xmas I had the opportunity to have a car – probably one of the worst decisions of all since it got my brain accustomed to debt, I had to take out a credit card to live comfortably.
The irony was of course this meant I had to drink less because I was driving and then I realised that I didn't gamble (90% of the time) when I was sober.
In the end of course I just stopped attending Uni all together and didn't tell anyone and after about 8 months of not going I received a letter in the mail saying I owed student loans about £2000 because I didn't attend the minimum amount of time required.
This shook me up and at that time I didn't have a full time job and couldn't afford the repayments they wanted, so I made a token payment till I could afford to pay more.
Anyway to gloss over a year and a bit I actually did ok for that time, I started getting more hours from work and I cant really remember gambling during the time I had to pay this debt off and eventually I paid it off in full.
Now this is where things start to get a little confused but I do remember one major point of my life where I realised I might have a problem.
Because I still had a credit card and I had a job with decent hours I decided I would give online gambling a go (that little feeling when I was a kid came back telling me I enjoyed it).
Now at this point I must point out that yet again as rule 90% when I gamble I've been drinking so its difficult to remember things.
I remember one night I got hooked on one particular slot on a online gaming site, I enjoyed it in the beginning but things started to get out of control and before I knew it I had put in quite a few hundreds of pounds, but I thought I was gonna win, I thought if I could just get my money back I will be happy.
And I did, and a lot more.
I won about £3000 in 1 spin and I was pretty plastered by this time but I remember it and I cried and knew what was going on.
So of course I withdrew the winnings and things were great, I paid off my credit card, bought a few presents for myself, even paid off most of my student overdraft too. But that was the catalyst for more gambling.
Realising I had all this money I began to think, what's there to lose? I am hardly in any debt now, so what the hell lets go mad.
This is where things really started to go wrong.
I took out another credit card and pretty much maxed out the original one I had. I wasn't that concerned though because I was used to debt and I had a job so I thought as long as I can afford all my bills and stuff everything is alright.
So for the last 2 years or so I have been gambling but leaving just enough to cover all my bills and food. By the end of last year I had my overdraft back up to £2000 and maxed out my 2 credit cards. Obviously there have been up's along the way winning a £1000 a couple of times, but in the end I would always spend it again.
So coming closer to present day now and about 3 months ago I lost my job due to the company folding and all staff were lost. When this happened I thought to myself, well I've got all this debt but my 10 year redundancy will pay at least 50% of them off so I thought I might as well try and make a fresh start. This started well but of course by this time the addiction had already taken hold, and I realised I was gambling money I couldn't even earn back because I had no job. Every time I awoke in the morning after gambling I felt a sense of regret and disappointment.
This is when I started to lie to get money, I started to use payday loans to cover my gambling debts (I had used them prior to losing my job but had a job to be able to afford the repayments), saying I still was working where I used to work and I realised they would still pay out the money as a lot of them don't seem to check your place of work.
So this brings me to present day I am now out of options, my credit rating is literally zero, not even payday lenders will lend to me now. I suppose the catalyst for me writing this was when I realised only yesterday that money was coming out of my bank through various sources I have never heard of neither have I signed up to. I have since found out it is due to my severe negligence being so desperate for money I was literally inputting my details (incl bank details) into any site that there was even a chance would lend to me. I feel idiotic and pathetic for doing it. I am now in a position where I need to get a job immediately or I am going to have to go crawling to my father (since turned his life around) who will not only be extremely disappointed but angry at me for lying to him.
So in conclusion I have a few things to say.
1 – I am not a compulsive gambler, to be honest I don't even think about gambling when I m sober, I suppose you could say I am when I m drunk, but hey either way I have a problem.
2 – I have admitted to myself over the last year I have a problem, I know I have a problem, but writing this is admitting to the world I have a problem.
3 – All that I have said is explaining how this all started and escalated but in no way is that an excuse, this is my fault I should have done something sooner but I didn't and now I m in this mess.
I must also point out that I live with my grandma so I m not in danger of losing property or anything, but I do own a car which I need to transport her about and for myself, and obviously if I dont do anything now I will lose the car.
If any current gamblers are reading this and want the raw numbers of what I've gambled away in my life. Well I cant be exact but I can estimate it
Debts – about £6000? maybe
Spent – Probably spent well over £15,000 over the years
Winnings – probably in total £2000 - £3000
Yeah. Now that I write it down like that, that sucks. You never win, and I knew that while gambling, that was the annoying part.
Anyway I feel little better, but still depressed and nervous about the future, I have a job interview tomorrow, if I get it, it will ease some money worries but will still take years to sort this problem out and I know that.
If I dont get it, I am going to have to admit everything to family and that, is the most scary part.
I will hopefully keep the forum up to date on my progress.
Really appreciate you reading this, just wanted to get it all out there.
Hi nw, thanks for sharing your story with us. I'll pop a more lengthy reply this evening. Just thought I would let you know that someone is listening. Most of all welcome
Thanks very much, appreciate it
Hi NWDare
Thanks for sharing.
It's certainly unusual your addiction. A lot of people, myself included, were worse when drunk, but you're saying you have no compulsion at all when sober.
I suppose that's better as you don't have the same sober, addicted mindset. But then again the damage is the same and I imagine it's psychologically devastating waking up to what you've done.
Given your memory loss it sounds like drink is the big problem which needs addressing.
IMO, addiction has the same drivers, whatever the form of addiction.
Whereas usually abstinence from gambling is the starting point in recovery for people here, maybe it's abstinence from all alcohol.
then consider what's making you feel compelled to escape from reality via booze and gambling.
Best
Louis
Hi nw.
From your story it seems that your gambling maybe tied with recreating a child hood memory.
You say they were happy time's. Spent with your dad during the weekends.
You say you only gamble when drunk. Most would say simple don't drink. But in my opinion you probably drink so you can gamble.
It's a way of rationalising it in your head. By saying we'll I was drunk. Somehow drinking and gambaling have become entwined you can't do one with out the other?
Debt it sounds to me like you probably owe money to every Tom d**k and Harry. Simply getting a job won't solve your debt problem. You need a plan
Google companies like step change or pay plan. Many forum user's. Use there services to pay back what they can reasonably afford over a set period.
When I say reasonably I mean don't go in all gun hoe saying I want to pay it off as fast as I can
Because that is a big fail in the making. Work out what you need for a comfortable life. You still want to be able to do thing's. It's better to have 8 year's of comfort than 5 year's on the poverty line.
If your credit score is zero it's probably the best option for you anyway.
Just to put you at ease they can't take away your vehicle unless you have borrowed against it. If you have make that priority.
You say your dad had a drink and gambaling addiction. But now he's overcome his addictions.
So who better to coach you through your addiction?
I struggled telling my dad. I thought he would look down on me and think of me as a lesser man. But I'm so glad I did because his support has been the best for me.
I will look forward to reading your story as you progress.
Most of all best of luck with the interview
Much thanks to both of you.
Cardhue - Yes it is peculiar, with regards to drinking that wasn't really an issue when I was working full time, didn't have the time obviously, you no once or twice a week maybe. Drinking has got worse because I haven't got a job, but I wouldn't say it was a problem that specifically needs addressing. The story I was telling was delving deep into my past and in my earlier days it wasn't great, but as I've got older its become less of a problem. I am not drinking at the moment mainly because I cant afford to, but I have no real desire to, I suppose last few months it was due to boredom.
Dean0 – That's some great advice about step change will defiantly be looking into that, I have briefly looked into stuff but not in depth, but now I feel like my mind wants things to be sorted and the advice about my dad is also correct, whether I get a job is kinda irrelevant I think I will tell him anyway next week. He is away this weekend unfortunately.
With regards to the gambling being intertwined that is exactly how it is. I am not going to give up drinking obviously but in my my mind somehow I need to drive myself away from it.
Appreciate all the advice!!
I will update further maybe later tonight or tomorrow
I post this after having a drink, and i almost slipped into gambling, but i thought of here, and i stopped myself. So hard though.
Alot happening over jobs in my life but i think im going to be clean tonight, hopefully.
Will update maybe monday night.
Thanks for reading if you are. Dont know why i find it so difficult not to gamble after a drink. not drunk or anything maybe 5 cans, suppose im like, what the hell! But i havnt tonight, feel good. Still the night to go, but im confident i can beat the illness tonight.
Drink lowers our inhibitions and we become relaxed and carefree , that's ok until we wake in the morning and realise what we've done the night before , keep strong buddy it's just not worth going back there :)) it's always better to come here and "Ramble not gamble ".
Im ok now lol, im pretty drunk now but not gonna gamble so its all good.
Appreciate the reply, I dont understand myself, i can so easily control myself sober, but when i drink it has got out of control. Not tonight obviously lol, but things are looking up, alot is going on, not even had time to do anything this week.
Why am i listening to TATU. Oh wait its an awesome song.
Ok, update. Not gambled when ive had a drink, which is good.
Big thanks to Dean0, ive got in contact with stepchange and i am working with them at the moment. Its a bit of a nightmare contacting all my creditors, stressfull.
I actually got offered two jobs, i have took one that is full time but it is a bit of a drive, have another interview tommorow for a job round the corner from me, so hopefully i get that one, but at least il have a regular full time income. This isnt the end its only the beginning, i know i cannot gamble again and if i dont next year i should be in a much better place financially and i hope to keep it that way.
I am hoping to tell my dad this week about everything but to be honest i think he already knows. But looking at friday night to spill all.
Overall things are much better than they were, but the work really starts here.
Appreicate all replies. Thanks
That is a winning post
No gambaling
Finances getting in to order
A job or 2
Thats just the first week without gambling?
Im sure when you tell your dad thing's will get even better
I'm sure he will appreciate you opening up to him. And I would of thought he will have some good tips of his own to stay clear of the gambaling trap.
All the best
Me again, having a little drink tonight to celebrate starting work on monday, but been for an interview today to get a job that pays more and is round the corner, saving lots of money. But anyway. At the moment i have no reason or urge to gamble, I understand i am not normal in my relationship with the illness, just i have to keep reminding myself why i am posting here, i dont have problems all the time, but when i do they are massive.
Anyway not going to be plain sailing if i keep the job ive been offered, not going to have any money for 6 weeks, been on the phone constantly for hrs last few days, end of this year will be tough, will get threats of letters and stuff, but now i have a guaranteed full time job whatever happens it should be ok.
But the big day is saturday, i am going to tell my dad all, like i said before i think he has a good idea whats going down, but im going to spill everything to him and i dont want any sympathy, i did this myself, i dont money off anyone to get me out of this hole in the short term, might need to though to get to work :S . Car is rubbish on fuel lol.
But yes tonight i have no urge to gamble, and again thanks to Dean0, once the new year comes round i have a plan with stepchange and they do an awesome job for free. Makes you realise how lucky you are.
But if any gamblers have not accepeted there problem are reading this, please get help i never thought i would have to resort to this. If i stick to the plan i can be debt free (for the 3rd time lol) within a year. I think if i manage that, i can do this for life.
I dont have to understand my addiction, but i know how to stop it.
Well, big night tonight, going to spill all to my dad tonight. He has an idea i think of what i am going to say, but he doesnt have any idea to the extent of the problem. Wish me luck lol.
It went well, im really happy that people understand the situation. my dad was good of course
Glad to hear it went well. At least you know there is a support if needed. Just keep it up and keep busy. Think positive with new job.
Lucy
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