TiMe FoR cHaNgE

(((RB)))) / (((AJ)))

I hope you decide to accept some of those hugs. I'm sorry you feel so s**t. it's hard RB. I've hated my life too for quite some time, just wanting to fade into the background, disappear. RB you can do this and I will be with you every step of the way if you choose to let me (and others) to be apart of your journey.

take care RB, i'll be checking this space xx

Hi RB,

Just been reading your last couple of posts. As Dee has rightly reminded me.. all we can do is live our lives one day at a time. Forget about not gambling "ever again".. just concentrate on not gambling... today!

Also if reading and writing on here helps you..( it certainly helps me ) then keep doing it! It doesn't matter a d**n how long your diary has gone on for.. if it feels like it helps... then it helps.. then keep doing it!

Whatever horribleness you maybe going through at the moment.. you CAN cope with it.. All the best. S.A 🙂

i need to get this off my chest. ive been gambling the last few days. i went back to the poker table.

i came into some money from some family who wanted to help me out. i had identifed my mistakes and seemed to be on the correct path and they believed in me. shame i didnt beleive in myself.

i got declined at several job interviews and so i was back to square one on that front. i had 10k sitting in my account last friday. today i have -£770 in overdraft.

it was so easy. i emailed the company wishing my account to be reopened, and within an hour i was playing again. on friday i lost 2k. on saturday i lost another 4k. on monday i lost another 3k. on tuesday afternoon i gained it all back! everything i had lost in the previous 4 days i won back! tuesday eveining i lost 9k. yes 9k in less then 2 hours. on wednesday i lost another 1k. and today, i lost another 1k.

the feelings that ive had over the last few nights have been unbareable. thinking about the easiest way to top myself. even think about where id want to do it. maybe go away to a nice hotel and try one of the various methods brewing in my aching head.

its only the truth. im NOT going to do it. i cant deny the thoughts that ive had.

im in such a state. i havent slept in days, havent eaten properly, and ive never had such a bad prolonged head ache before like this. I never wanted to return to this site again after what i did. i feel so ashamed like i have let everyone and myself down. i feel like a fake. i give out advice to other people but i dont follow it myself. such a fake, i think i try to give advice to make myself feel better, that some how i know how to beat this. truth is i dont. havent got a clue.

i was supposed to have a counselling session today. but i skipped it so i could play poker. IDIOT!

i dont know where i stand now. i cant trust myself ever again. i dont trust anyone.

i dont have support in the real world. this site is all i have in my pathetic life right now. everyone around me has turned their back on me, and those that do try to help me i basically just spit in their face. i cant beat this and i dont know what to do.

((((((((((RB))))))))))

You sound like you’re living in hell on earth at the moment. But it doesn’t need to be this way. There is support here and from other compulsive gamblers elsewhere if you wish to keep your options open. Relapses happen RB, recovering and learning from them is what you need to focus on. Your thoughts of suicide must be adding to your pain and misery as it is. It might be an idea to talk them through with someone, even pick up the phone and ring the helpline or try netline, until you can arrange another counselling session. You are not a fake in my eyes RB. You have given me so much support and friendship. I’m so grateful you were there to help pull me out of my previous drowning thoughts. Maybe the advice you dish out means deep down you have the answers within you. I’m not sure this can be beaten RB, maybe as compulsive gamblers it’s apart of us and when we are ready to seize the addiction it is then that we have to make choices. We can choose to gamble. Or we can take one day at a time and resume control over our actions once more. The shame you feel must be eating you up, but I’m not ashamed of you RB. I’m so proud you have returned here and shared your experience. You are brave for rising above your recent gambling spree. It takes courage to live without the mask of our addiction. Now it’s down to you RB. Fight or flight? I hope you stay, but that’s your decision to make. I believe in you, you should too. Together we can survive this world without gambling.

I was feeling down tonight feeling the urge coming on strong so i've kept busy by reading your whole story starting at the very first post!

You can't even imagine how far you've come.

I'm inspired and will keep reading ...hang on tight, it will seem brighter soon xx

Please don't give up on yourself

Hi RB

Money might seem important to you right now but put everything into perspective. Saying it's only money is no saving grace but it is the truth. What hurts is what you could have done with the cash. Bottom line is that the cash has now gone. It will not come back and you are now further on with your recovery than you thought. Reason being you now know you cannot gamble safely and have to address the issues head on. You know what to do. Pick your self up and dust yourself down and slowly but surely you'll be a better and stronger person for this experience.

Take care

Steve E

Hi RB, it was nice to meet you in chat last night. You have come a long way, you've got courage, you've demonstrated that by coming back every time. As Stevey said, dust yourself down and dig deep, you can do this. Believe in yourself, you are in charge of your destiny. Love Ostrich x

thankyou all for your support and kind words. its been a difficult few days for me, part of my struggle is trying to find out who i am and i dont know the answer. so i hide and always want to find an escape which is why i found myself back at the poker table.

ive had some time to calm down. i recieved a mail from my counsellor saying she would like to talk at least one more time before i give in counselling, so i agreed to a session this week. i dont think i will give it in, ive only had a few sessions but i think i now understand how important they are, even if im not immediately gaining something out of them. its just nice to be heard.

i need to get back into work now. i can get to an interview stage, but i think the second an employer looks at my tired face and lack of confidence and enthusiasm, im out the door quicker then my money at the poker table. maybe i want to just go away for a while, clear my head and come back refreshed. but i cant. no money, stack of debts, and constant calls from crediters. it just seems like a never ending cycle.

i accepted i had a gambling problem long ago. i accepted i have issues else where in my life long ago. but i think only just now have i accepted i am in depression. i can no longer put on a fake happy smaile in front of others to hide the sadness in me. i can't pretend i dont have a mental problem anymore. i am sad. theres no other way to describe it. sadness fills my life right now. and i dont even have a ray of sun light to guide me to the end of that tunnel. those that did care even a little about me have now moved on. i cant blame them, i had my chance.

ive been unemployed for 3 months. its what keeps me awake at night now. i didnt worry about it before. but now my day consists of getting out of bed in the afternoon, sitting in my room, going back to bed, and doing the same thing again the next day. i dont know how much longer i can live this cycle without going completely mad. at least a job would break this routine, but no one wants to hire me in my state.

i cant beleive this is what has become of me. 5 years ago i had everything and all the world was my oyster. i going to turn 26 soon, and some might say im still young enough to make a change, but the fact is this is my life, i cant see a change. i want a change, ive been trying for the last 4 yrs. it makes me physically sick to think how i was. i have never really been happy in my entire life, but i was in control. now i have no control. i feel like a slave to myself.

i wish i had a reset button sometimes. just push it, reboot, and i could refocus on what i want to do, not whats dictated i should do. people say dont dwell on the past, whats done is done. yes, thats true. but i cant help dwelling on the past. for me, its easier to look at my past then it is to look at the dismal future ive created for myself.

in the grand scheme of things, my little life is pretty insignificant, and i could just disappear into the back and just get on with life. lower my expectations of myself and the things around me. i was always a higher flier, maybe i expect too much, maybe i shouldnt expect anything, and what happens, happens.

Keep ur head up mate just read all your diary after chatting earlier , I still av my interview in 10mins so can't write properly will do tomorrow. Needless to say my story is similar 2 seperate days I did £15k in playing poker online and once did £9k and once £8k so know something of what u r going through. Like you 6 years ago i had a good sum of self earned money (£150k in my case) blew the lot and now owe £60k. Like I said I will speak tomorrow. wish me luck with the interview mate.

I’ve noticed my acting skills have plummeted too RB. I can no longer keep up ‘happy appearances’ with my fake smiles and pretend bubbly personality like I used to. I find the internal pain that hides beneath escalates and when there’s nowhere to run, it just drains me. Depression, loneliness, tiredness are overpowering at times.

But I see that ray of sunlight for you, even if you don’t. You are here for a start. You have reconsidered counselling and plan to return. Even though the benefits aren’t immediate, the overall outcome will be beneficial to you as long as you choose to get the most out of it. You speak a lot about your past. Exploring your past history with your counsellor might be emotional for you but I believe you have the strength to face it. Memories and life events can be intense but breaking them down gradually can help you discover who you are. You can rebuild your life RB. Unemployment certainly must be difficult, it presents in a form of lack of opportunities for some. Maybe try mix up your routine, living the same cycle tends to become robotic and automatically wires the brain to experience the same negative feelings over and over. Indulge in a new hobby, or even an old one. Get out of the house, walk, jog, smell the fresh air, feel the rain, watch out for a glimpse of that ray of sunlight. It belongs to you. The future is only dismal if you create it that way. Concentrate on today, the future can wait, you can’t live in tomorrow. As for being a high flier, I can relate to that. I reached for dreams beyond expectations, but I don’t consider being a high flier a downfall unless those goals are completely unrealistic. That’s when you do fall and crash harder than ever before. Putting back together those broken pieces may lose some aspects of yourself e.g. decreased self-esteem and confidence. Aim for goals you can reach RB. Thinking too long term can be daunting. “Just for today I will not gamble”. “One day at a time”. All the best RB, you’re in my thoughts.

Dee

Hi RB,

Some powerful posts in there mate and i,m only gonna say one thing,

GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DIEING!!!!!.

All the best

"" A NEW LIFE ""

wise and honest words there ANL, i wish someone was drilling that into me every 5mins!

there was a similar phrase i used to live by..."get rich, or die trying"...has the obvious relation to a rapper, but never the less, its how i saw life. not any more though...now its more like "trying to live"

any who....ive managed to refocus back on track, and am recommitted to recovery. i had a blip but ive learned a lot from it, so i'm going to move on.

I'm restarting counselling tomorrow, and im going to try and get back into the gym to burn off some aggression and try and get some motivation back.

suprisingly i got through my interview yesterday and theyve invited me back for a 2nd interview. why i dont know, but i've got a week to look like i actually care enough about my life to want this job.

i really liked this quote from dee....Concentrate on today, the future can wait, you can’t live in tomorrow. i'm always looking into how dismal the future is that i miss out on living in today, so today i think i'll get busy living.

Good on you RB. If you want that job you'll get it of that I'm sure.

Take care and live life one day at a time.

Steve E

Being invited back for a second interview is very positive RB. You have obviously managed to impress, so I choose not to agree with your questioning of the interviewer’s judgement of you, lol. In my experience second interviews request more detailed examples of previous specific work conducted. Preparation, I find is key, research details about the organisation and use this to your advantage. Convince them you belong there RB. Highlight your strong points and disguise your weaknesses as strengths. My favourite is ‘I tend to be a perfectionist; however I am learning how to overcome this by approaching my work in a relaxed manner. This doesn’t cause problems for meeting deadlines as I thrive under pressure, enjoy a challenge and I’m motivated to reach targets. I feel my attention to detail and commitment to quality will be a perfect fit for this profession’. Lol, perfectionism is a trait that can be negative for me but everyone has weaknesses, you need to show you can overcome them. I hope you don’t feel like I’m stepping on your toes but you just seem a little de-motivated I thought it might give you a boost. I haven’t had many work related interviews, I can count them on one hand plus one finger so you can pass no heed of this post and I won’t be offended. But in my opinion demonstrating communication skills and preparation prior to the interview will strike a cord.

You have also reminded me that I need to get back to the gym. I rejoined recently and find a good sweat can seep those emotions out from under those pores. Ewe lol. Exercise is always good for raising those ‘happy hormones’ too.

Good luck with counselling tomorrow RB. I have also arranged a date, agh I’m a little nervous but feel ready to do so all the same. Take care.

Dee xx

Hi RB,

You are obviously a very bright man, just by reading your well constructed English in your posts shows that. No doubt you post at some of your lowest times and still your intelligence shines thru. No you need to

concentrate all that into getting this job. Prepare properly believe in yourself and knock them dead. Forget any low self esteem issues that this cr** may have caused, believe in yourself and you will do well , I have little to no doubt of that.