TiMe FoR cHaNgE

o*g RB have just read your diary what an amazing journey you have been on. Reading your diary has made me late for work, but what the hell poker made me late for work, i would be getting ready and putting my make-up on while playing poker. On days off i would not bath for 4 days would not eat, friend knocked the door i would not let them in. Would not do eye contact with my dogs because they wanted to go out, how guilty. have not got the best paid job, so reckon it will take me 10 years to clear my debts. hey i am 51 dont wanna gamble my pension. My door is knocking as we speak, its the baliff, he wants council tax money. I need my car for work, i cant afford the tax or insurance. But hey i was inspired by your story. You r young and have the world at your feet.

thanks for the posts dee, mancity and ICDI. ive had a really tough 2 weeks, and i think im starting to refocus again.

i had a counselling session yesterday, and i told my counsellor i was so close to topping myself last week, and she asked me what made me stop. i had to think really hard to find the answer to this. its not because of family or friends, most of them have deserted me, including my own parents. but after a while i realised i only didnt do it because of this diary. As i lay in bed the night after losing most my money last week, all i could think about was how can i come back to this forum and write about what i had done in my diary. things were looking up and i had been clean over 2 months. i felt like i let myself and everyone here down. as i've said before, i felt like a fake.

and i didnt want to just let it all go. i have worked too hard to just give in by topping myself. thats the easy way out. the cowards way out. and the support i have recieved over the past few days has been really appreicated both both other users and gamcare staff. i really do think it has saved my life.

the weekend is here, and i have some bits planned to keep me busy. im gearing up for this interview on tuesday and im preparing more and more everyday. i know i can get this job if i focus.

have a good weekend all, i know i will. 🙂

Just want to say your words of wisdom have helped me in the past week i have been close to taking my life as I have lost so much due to gambling. Malc

Hi RB,

Glad to see that the worst of worst feelings is starting to pass. My thoughts are with you for the upcoming job interview. Stay focussed one day at a time.. keep reading and writing.. take care.. S.A 🙂

gl

good luck with your interview, let us know how it goes, and if you dont get it "hey" it was not meant to be, something even better will come along. dont look back at the door thats closed look forward to the door that is open. big hugs

Hey RB,

How did the interview go mate? I found out I am at second stage now so just waiting at the moment.

In your earlier post you mentioned suicide, I occassionally had those thoughts too, but as someone posted on here once.

Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem.

Stay strong man

hi all - thankyou for your kind words and suport to those who posted.

i prepared so much for this interview, researched as much as i could etc but by monday evening i think i had over done it and couldnt really remember much. plus i was a bag of nerves. i didnt sleep at all monday night and when i got up in the morning i felt terrible. so i did something ive never done before in a situation like this. i had a few drinks.

i was on a buzz by the time i got to the interview, but i actually think it helped me through as i felt relaxed and didnt stutter much over the questions. i wouldnt recommend it though as i dont rememebr much of it! anyway, they called me this morning and asked if i could come in, so i went. they just wanted to clarify a few details and they offered me the job! i wont be earning half of what i was in my previous job, but i dont care. i can finally get back some independance and move on.

unfortunately i missed another counselling session today, but i emailed my counsellor i wont be able to do our thursday afternoon sessions anymore, but i hope she can rearrange to a better time as i would like to continue.

when i heard i felt like i wanted to be happy, i felt like i wanted to cry with happiness, but i couldnt. i think ive lost the ability to show any emotion, even to myself. i really wanted to be happy today, but i couldnt, and that kinda made me sad. so counter productive!

but im glad im back in employment, i start on monday, so i cant stay in bed til 11am everyday now 🙁

(((RB))) That’s fantastic news. I am so happy for you.

You held back for so long RB, no wonder you have difficulties expressing your emotions freely. Whilst gambling we don’t allow ourselves to experience the negatives of the ‘real world’, therefore it can be difficult to experience the positives aswell. I believe compulsive gambling can ultimately lead to the inability to let anything out. We need to learn how to express our emotions instead of repressing them. Counselling may help you with this RB.

Congrats on the new job, I knew you had it in you. We have a lot more success stories to hear from this diary I believe. And remember, success is measured not so much by the position reached in life as by the obstacles which are overcome. You’re doing great RB.

Dee xx

Wow!

What can i say RB, i read your entire diary tonite, its taken me 3 hours! You have been on an incredible journey, filled with highs and lows. The way you have dealt with your troubles is commendable and you are an inspiration to me and everybody else on this site. Your resilience is amazing, it is clear you have a real fighting spirit and you need to use this to your advantage! Dont beat yourself up about the past and all the money, plenty of time to earn it all back. Im really pleased your getting your life back on track, long may it continue.

Keep it up! AS.

Hi RB,

Well done on the job! 🙂

Think about how you will keep yourself safe when you get paid

All the best in recovery.. S.A 🙂

Well done, don't worry too much about the lower salary , time to build all that confidence up that you obviously had before this gambling madness, then u can reassess ur position, cheers

Well I also read your whole diary. I hope you continue to post even if its just to say you haven't gambled. We are similar ages and there are a lot of goals I haven't been able to reach due to gambling debt (well mostly buying a flat...also traveling) anyhow I don't think you realize how helpful and insightful your posts are to us here on the forum.

Please come back 🙂

nwn

thanks all for the posts. i appreciate you as88 and nwn reading my diary, (i dont know why you would!), but i hope the grief i've been through sheds some light for those in earlier stages of recovery how long and difficult a journey it can be.

been back to work this week, 3 days going well. its boring and repetative work having to deal with egotistical middle managers all day, but at least im out doing something other then being holed up in my room. i get paid next week and the debt collectors are swarming around me for thier slice. but they can take whatever they want. i still dont think i respect money the way i should, and i dont really think i will until im back in the black. many many years away though. (was glad to read the RBS boss house get vandalised today, put a smile on my face for a bit 🙂 )

i mentioned in chat the other day how i feel so generic. I feel like i dont have a personality, i dont have character traits, I'm just generic. i dont have emotions or try to socialise at all, i just do what i have to do and thats it. I spend my lunch hours just sitting watching people go by. all different types, shapes and sizes and they all have their own ways to go about things. I used to have a character, i lost it somewhere. i really want it back.

i find it so hard to connect with other people. i feel uncomfortable if anyone comes within touching distance of me....the tube journey to work and back is a nightmare. i dont know what im so insecure about, why i cant just let go and open up to the world like i can on my diary here. ive had to stop counselling due to work, but hope to pick it up once an evening slot becomes available. i really want to get my life back on track now.

over 2 weeks and havent gambled.