Time to start my diary ...

Hi Equinox

Just checking in with you - not been posting much but does not mean I am not thinking about you and hoping you are staying GF.

I know you have it in you to stop this permanently because you can stop for long stretches of time so the addiction must be getting weaker. Just need to stay strong to your conviction that this is forever, no little tests or experiments to test your resolve.

Muststop123

Thanks Muststop123 - it's always a boost to receive a post from you and thanks for keeping me in mind. Selfish, but I've missed you being around and updating your diary.

I still have zero faith in my ability to quit but I'm happy to plod forward and notch up a day at a time. My last relapse has removed any belief I have in myself. Everytime I think yes, this time will be different - I think , well you said that last time, and the time before, and the time before. I'm not defeated by it though, I'm just trying to be realistic about it.

It's day 2 of my road trip away from home and with the job of the day done, I've just been for a walk around the city and ended up passing a big hulking casino. I knew it'd be likely that I'd happen to cross one, so I was prepared. I walked quickly by and went for a pint instead. I was hoping I'd start feel repulsed and nauseous and get real angry, but there was nothing so dramatic.

If there was a thought it was something like don't even bother thinking about it, dumb-a*s, you know you'll lose and whinge about it.

About 30 minutes before seeing the casino, I got an unexpected email that could spell good news for my artwork and I'm thinking the old me, in this situation, might have quietly blown some money as a selfish celebration. So maybe there is a change in me.

I don't know why, but after typing this post I hate gambling a whole lot more along with the idea of me caught up in it.

Dear Diary

I'm back three hours later and I've done a stupid Apple map search to the nearest casino which is 5 minutes away. I've even juggled figures in my head and worked out what I can lose and what I might win.

I just don't get it. I was good tonight. I worked in the hotel bar and didn't drink much. During the evening I took the time to read old lecture notes from that I had scanned to pdf. After reading, I felt so knocked back by my prof's take on the avant-garde because it finally made sense why I'm no big fan visiting to Duchamp's urinal or staring at Malevich's black canvas or spending time listening to Cage's 4 minutes of silence. Feeling all enlightened that I'd missed the obvious, I go upstairs, happy as larry, and end up feeling the need to celebrate - which is where Apple maps to the nearest casino comes into the equation. I convince myself a casino bar is a great 24-hour bar to read some more.

It's like I get a taste of good, so then I try to make things bad.

I see this as a bit of pattern in me. Trivial things, such as reading some long forgotten lecture, I somehow bend into a moment to become destructive.

I've not gambled tonight (and that really is the god honest truth), but after posting this I'm going to reset my gf days to 0 because my mind is still gambler's mind and I don't want to give myself a pat on the back thinking I've done well clocking up a couple of weeks.

If all goes well tonight (I'm determined it will), after posting this, I'll stay put in my hotel room, get some sleep and wonder why I take a happy moment to turn into a stick of dynamite.

And every time I google the nearest casino I will reset my days.

Having an urge is not gambling & you don’t need to beat yourself up, addiction does that for us! You did a dumb thing, like checking odds or playing demo games BUT you didn’t gamble & it is basic stuff like this that you need to be able to find the positive from because addiction wants you sad, it wants you to despise yourself, it wants you to feel worthless which you aren’t! Count your days or don’t count them, whichever you prefer but don’t feel the need to punish yourself for having urges, treat yourself instead to a mini fist pump for not placing a bet!

I am posting you an important poem “I am addiction “ so that you can see, everytime you don’t let it win how incredibly strong you are:

I start in small subtle ways promising many things,
I promise you enjoyment and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams,
I deliver guilt and despair more horrible than your worst nightmare,
I promise you power and courage,
I give you feelings of powerlessness & hopelessness,
I will force you to live in fear always,
I promise you relief and escape from all your daily problems,
I create for you greater problems than you ever imagined,
I promise you many friends but
I allow you only isolation.
I promise happiness but
I create much sorrow.
I will steal from you your dignity,your families,your friends,your children.your homes,your demons.your spirit & your life.....For love, freedom & happiness are impossible in my presence.
So NEVER UNDERESTIMATE ME
I am devious & manipulating,
I have no preferences as to who I pick as my victim, rich or poo r, young or old, black ,white, yellow or red.
I have killed men, women and children,
I have no conscience.
So if you have met me, always be aware if you think you can beat me... that I will be gone from your life and all will be well again.
NEVER FORGET that I will always be there, waiting in the dark shadows, just around the corner.
I am very patient and I will laugh in your face if I can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth again.

Oh, and the link for SENSE (casino exclusion)

http://www.nationalcasinoforum.co.uk/playingsafe/sense-information/

You can't control your thoughts. They just arise in consciousness.

You certainly shouldn't punish yourself for having a thought.

IMO real progress is made when you have these thoughts and don't act on them.

You're wired up to have gambling thoughts and urges. Sometimes you'll feel high as a kite and a million miles from gambling. That's great but the real progress isn't found there.

It's from learning not to go on autopilot. Not to follow that thought and urge. Breaking those hardened pathways from thoughts/urges and action. That's where true confidence lies.

If your aim is to never experience thoughts or urges then you're trying to be non - human and setting yourself up for failure.

You're doing well give yourself a break

Louis

Thanks ODAAT - that poem will follow me around now, I've pasted it to my phone notes and it will be something I'll read every time I get an urge. I didn't gamble last night but it felt sickeningly close.

It was the predictably ugly way I tried to convince myself, telling myself I'd just use the bar and get a bit of work done. As if it was all about a comfy seat. I'm hoping part of last night was down to a lack of sleep too - I haven't really slept for 2 days.

I've just read through the sense form and I will exclude.

I've stopped counting my gamble free days. Maybe this will help me to see each day as a fresh challenge. I did like to see my days build, but mabye it was giving me a false sense of security. Every day can be day one from now - let's see how that works,

I've still got a couple of days before I'm home, when I feel as if I'll be on safer ground - but these next few days ahead should be better.

Thank you again ODAAT.

Thanks Louis - you're dead right about breaking the pathways and I do have to accept that the thoughts will keep wanting to return.

But last night felt a bit like an action rather than a thought. I checked the location, I then clicked the link to the website and I pretty much had my jacket on, ready to head out the door. I tried to convince myself I'd just use the bar, rather than gamble - but that was a big fat lie to myself.

But some good and bad came out of last night - good is I didn't gamble and I will enrol in SENSE. I'm also happy I've stopped my day counter. As the numbers built, I'd feel like I deserved a gambling treat. There's zero logic in that, but that's how I'd sometimes think about it.

And thanks again for your encouragement.

Yeah I can see why you're alarmed, scared at a near miss. That horrible out of control experience.

But bottom line is you still didn't cross that line. You bought into the thoughts and urges for a while. Longer than is ideal.

But perhaps a few months ago you would've gone all in. Without wanting to sound patronising, it does seem like a good learning experience.

If this time you went 'autopilot' for, say, 30 mins, see if you can cut down the time the down time, next time 'it' strikes. Get it down to a few minutes. Then a few seconds. Then it gives up.

Louis

Five days have passed since my last post ... I didn't gamble and that's the main thing.

But I think I've been avoiding updating my diary because I feel ashamed by my weakness and wanted my diary to stay buried deep down in the forum list.

The poem ODAAT posted is a big help and I read that a lot. And thanks, Cardhue - I will use it as a learning experience and try to see the positive rather than just the negative.

But those few days away from home were a real tester for me - I can see why it happened ... far from home, lots of time alone, late nights, access to money and surrounded by casinos.

I still haven't excluded using SENSE, but I will. I wanted to go into a casino (with photos and ID) rather than do it online. Besides, after posting here on Tuesday, I felt so sick of myself that I knew I wouldn't be gambling anytime soon.

I still feel that way too.

Thanks to all the people who supported me.

Back. Failed. 9 days gf.

Finding it hard to say anything of any value except I’m in it for the long haul and will fight it. Couldn’t bring myself to post up until now.

What are you going to do to change the outcome next time?

Hi Equinox

Sorry to hear you've been struggling.

Don't disappear and try and deal with this on your own however annoyed and disappointed you are with yourself. As soon as we try and figure stuff out on our own the thoughts just bounce around our heads with only our own experiences/beliefs/perceptions to form them. I have never really been any good at "chatting" to people but one of the things I have learnt over the last few months is just talking things through to someone has helped me identify a few long held beliefs as complete hogwash.

I know it is part of the cliches on here but the "nothing changes if nothing changes" message has got to have some truth to it. Maybe some counselling or a more serious block on your access to cash is the change you need?

Keep talking my friend

Oh Muststop, buddy, I know it shouldn't matter but I was dreading you reading about my failure again.

I just feel exhausted by myself when it comes to this ridiculous struggle but I'm going to keep fighting it. I have to. I'm just out of words at the moment.

I'm working hard and I'm lucky I've I've got a busy few months ahead of me - so I'm planning on putting my shoulder to the wheel, making back the lost money, and somehow finding a more permanent strength in myself. That sounds very blah.

And Lethe, thanks for the straight talk - SENSE - is what I need to change the outcome next time.

I know I’m like a broken old record but maybe it’s time to throw in the towel & get some real life help to get out of the ring...Every knockout hurts & it gets harder & harder to get up when it’s Groundhog day!

You CAN stop gambling but you need help & people willing you on from cyberspace is not enough.

Makes the changes Equinox - ODAAT