Time to start my diary ...

That is really hard to read because I know how much it hurts you after you gamble. Not going to start with the words of how it does not really matter because you only lost a small amount of money because I think you are past that point. It is the act of gambling that seems to hurt you more than the loss of the money.

I have to say I think the benefit of signing up to SENSE has to outweigh the potential inconvenience – I took a few days to sign up to Gamstop and it all came down to finally making the decision that I was never going to have a sneaky little bet at some unplanned point in the future. You are out of the routine daily habit of gambling that we both succumbed to and these are irregular relapses. You are getting nothing but pain from them.

Get that SENSE application in and then just tell yourself you have no methods available to you to gamble – there are no loopholes, you just aren’t able to gamble.

Have a great bank holiday weekend.

Hi Equinox,

Sometimes we find ourselves in positions /locations of temptation, through no direct ‘fault’ of our own. Often, as in your case, it’s in a social situation. I think there is then an element of justification that the ‘gambling part’ of the brain then latches on to and before you know it, bang, you are back off the wagon.

It’s merely a flesh wound, the battle goes on. You will win it. You’ve already mustered an impressive 15 days since, well and truly back on the wagon I’d say!

Thank you Muststop123 and Ukds69.

I was ready to run like a chicken from this forum - just so tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over again - but I soon realised that this is the place where I need to be. The reason I'm here is because I have a problem and it makes no sense whatsoever to leave when the problem gets worse for me.

As much as I'm sickened by my show of weakness, a part of me is grateful that it was a 'controlled' explosion - and I didn't go into a frenzy of chasing a loss. This could be very naive of me to say, and I do want to kick all gambling habits out of my life - but I genuinely believe that land casinos don't present the same level of threat for me that online casinos gave me. I still can't quite believe how much I'd gamble on a spin when online - and I never come close to this type of figure at a land casino.

I'm here for the long haul I think and I'll keep reading diaries, try to offer the best support I can in return and keep posting honestly in my diary.

Well done Equinox, keep at it. We are all human, if it was that easy we wouldn’t need this forum, counsellors or any blocking software. If only...

Assuming my current GF period really is the real deal, as indeed it really feels like it is, it’s strange that beforehand I had a few noticeably more ‘controlled’ blowouts too. Like I just had to get them done and dusted and out of the way ( I realise that makes no sense) and then I could have a proper shot of ridding myself of this nightmare.

Keep up the fight, you ARE winning it.

I’m typing this on my iphone in a casino in the early hours. My lifesyle places me in these situations but I’ve only got myself to blame.

i should leave now and I probably will but I’ve let myself down again. I haven’t lost any money yet - drinking a coke - but the fact I’m here means I’ve blown it.

Managed to stay gf.

I've made some big changes to my summer plans which will mean that a lot of the potential risky moments are going to be few and far between from today.

As for the casino, I was there because I was with others - who are very casual gamblers - and a part of me just thought go with it, I don't have to bet. A bit like someone on a strict diet who finds themselves in a tasty cake shop, I didn't have to follow my urges. But it wasn't good nonetheless. I can do without those moments.

Today did feel much better though - I've got a good few weeks ahead of me now where I can get back to my routines and build the discipline back into my life.

Hi Equinox, you did very well to keep gamble free!

I would most certainly agree, you need to minimise those situations.

I remember a few months back,having a spell of (and I have no reason why I did it) going onto gambling sites specifically to get to the point of depositing, before closing the browser window. A bit like walking up to a tiger in cage (with me on the outside and the tiger on the inside) and taunting it. The problem, as it turned out, one time I didn’t notice that the cage door was open and well, suffice to say that time the browser window didn’t get closed down until much later on...

Thanks Ukds69.

I'm so glad I'm away from those tricky situations for a while. I really do want a normal life without the burden of gambling.

I had to reinstall my iPhone today which meant going through all my purchased apps to see which ones I needed to download again. That's when I saw this endless list of online gambling apps and it did make me feel pretty disgusted with myself. I am so so glad I'm unable to start that up again, thanks to gamstop.

Late last night I was working on my computer and got a real stupid urge to gamble online. It was fleeting and I had no idea where it came from, but it was a bit of a shocker. Putting Gamstop in place means there's no way whatsoever I can follow my stupid urges whenever they choose to surface. I think submitting my details to Gamstop is the greatest gift I've ever given myself.

Maybe this urge has got something to do with recently resetting all the software on my phone. Having to scroll past the countless betting site apps that I'd previously purchased possibly triggered thoughts about the highs and lows of my gambling.

But in the cold light of today, all very very low. Thanks again Gamstop.

Completely understand what you’re saying. Many times before I had been sat on my pc, at home or work, without a gambling thought in my mind, then seemingly out of nowhere, I am suddenly gambling again! I just couldn’t see it coming.

Like you say though, GAMSTOP well and truly to the rescue. I guess I won’t know ever for sure, but I do wonder if I would’ve been tempted back by now without it in place.

Fair play to those trying to give up without it but personally I think it is an absolutely imperative tool in giving up forever.

This is where I am at the moment.

Online gambling: I think I've got this sorted. No real thanks to me, it's mainly all down to Gamstop and self-exclusion from every site I've registered. Those blocks seem like some sort of Hogwarts magic spell that protects me for 5 years at a time. Last night I was thinking whether I'd still be gambling if Gamstop wasn't in place - and the honest answer would be, probably, yes.

High street bookies: These have now become a fear for me. But I've never been in one to gamble. I remember using one when I placed a grand national bet years ago, maybe 10 years. They've just not been on my radar. But the other week I visited my hometown and suddenly began to notice them. I don't know why - maybe it was being in less familiar surroundings, maybe it was the posters of roulette wheels in the window? I didn't enter one and genuinely believe I won't - but it suddenly seemed like a genuine potential threat. Like a new portal suddenly opening. And these portals into gambling will surround me no matter where I am. I've now become much more aware of all the bookies where I live. But I hope this is something and nothing. I was thinking of going inside and filling out a self-exclusion form but it seemed like an overreaction considering that I've never gambled in one. Plus, I'm not sure how reliable the self-exclusion is - with online stuff I can see how it's easy to link personal details on a database with gambling sites, but with bookies that exist in every town and city, it seems like it would be impossible to monitor. I could just walk into any bookie and put money into a machine. I'm going to do some checking and see how it works and if it looks like it's a good way to put an end to this worry, I'll submit an application. Forgive the crude comparison, but seeing these bookies on my doorstep feels similar to a recovering alcholic suddenly have a 24 hour off-licence open up next door. Although I think my worry could be more panic and anxiety rather than desire to gamble.

Land Casinos: I feel I'm almost there with the land casinos - I still haven't gone the SENSE route - but because the city I live in doesn't have a casino, it doesn't feel like a close threat. Plus, my spending in land casinos - although bad and totally wasteful - didn't come close to the mindless frenzy spending I did online. I lose a couple of hundred in a land casino and within minutes I'm licking my wounds with a face like thunder and sprinting for the door. Maybe there's a potential for things to go badly wrong for me with an attitude like this, but in my heart of hearts (whatever that means), I know they don't have the same destructive potential as online gambling. I still flinch in disbelief when I think back to the crazy bets I'd place online that I know I would never ever do with 'real' tactile money in a land casino.

Hi Equinox,

Great post. Yep, gamstop has been a crucial part of me giving up. I’m not sure I’d have got this far without it either. Although I think I could probably manage without it now, I’m not going to risk it that’s for sure!

Keep up the good work.

I think I'm going to reset my gamble free days back to zero.

If I'm a purist about staying away from gambling, today is a gamble day.

About a day ago I got an email from one of my paper suppliers (this paper costs a lot) and they offered a special world cup deal .... the deal was order one of their products and then guess how many goals will be scored in Tuesday's England match ... and if I get it right and I will win a bonus 50% of whatever I've ordered.

I really didn't need to order because I've got enough paper stock but I couldn't resist this offer. After ordering, I admitted it was no different to gambling. Safe gambling, but gambling nontheless.

Why? Because I got excited about the idea of winning something for nothing. I get that this is a clever promotion from the company - but the bottom line is it's gambling. This is because I'm feeling a buzz about winning, me getting a buzz about chancing the odds and getting something for nothing.

So it's back to day 1 for me. Certainly not as bad as it could be, but I know this is me trying to find ways to gamble.

But I know it's not all bad - I'm definately on the mend and I can live with this kind of relapse because it's a million miles away from the the kind of destructive gambling I was indulging in a couple of months ago. But it's a warning shot that the impulse is still there.

It's like trying to give up alchohol but guzzling a box of chocolate liqueurs to dampen over the urge.

Next day thought.

My gambling started with this sort of 'safe' disguised gamble. It's a bit embarrassing to mention, but last year when I saw the odds of Derek Acorah's chances of winning Celebrity Big Brother, I thought it would be worth putting a tenner on for a fun bet on the underdog. This bet led to me joining an online gambling site - which then led to me discovering online roulette ... which led to an overnight addiction.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the 'deal' the company was offering - it's a clever move and is fun - but for someone like me, it's a dangerous thing. All blame lies with me. I can't lie to myself - the resurrected gambling voice inside me was jumping for joy yesterday.

I could cancel the order but that's not really the point. I'm a bit stuck what I should make of this except that realise that I'm still looking to gamble and keep up the effort to control it.

I'm in London on Thursday and it's good that I'm thinking this now before I do one of my accidental wanderings into a casino.

Although I keep falling short, I'm happy with my recovery because I know it's unrealistic at the moment for me to think I'm totally sorted with my gambling - the good thing is I'm really scrutinizing my actions which will stop the mindless impulses that once drove my gambling forward.

Today I'm going to read about self-excluding from high street bookies - I'm going to take this as an early warning shot and realise that I can't get complacent. I'm probably looking for ways to gamble again and I need to put as many blocks in place as possible.

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