Time to start my diary ...

I've just rang the multi-operator exclusion line to get some details about self-exclusion from my local bookmakers. I'm going to join soon - I bottled out of the half hour phone call because my son is around and I thought I'd do it when there's just me at home. Embarrassed I suppose of being heard.

I didn't win the gambling / promo thing with the printers. Probably a good thing. I was way out and predicted 4 goals by full time.

But the whole thing has got me thinking about my gambling and why I didn't count placing £1 on the Grand National with my family as a relapse but I did include this promo. It all came down to how the actions made me feel - the Grand National bet seemed like a 'bit of harmless fun' and a shared family tradition with my mum and brother, but the deal with the printers triggered something much deeper in me and it made me feel like I used to feel when I gambled. There's a touch of something uncontrolled or frenzied about it. A heightend and exaggerated sense of anticipation/pleasure. Seems silly when I think about it, but there's clearly feelings in me that keep wanting to jump to the surface.

All in all, I'm at the best stage I've ever been in my recovery. And that's probably down to not having to deal with a constant loss of money and all the baggage that brings.

I'm still on a high over how happy Gamstop has made me feel, knowing that my online gambling days can't happen. The feeling is nothing short of wonderful.

Hi Equinox,

You are so right about your observations. It is all down to how it makes you feel. If a £1 bet on the national with the family genuinely gives you no buzz then why not? You are being honest with yourself and that is the main thing.

It got me thinking. I entered a World Cup football fantasy game run by my local team. It cost a tenner with cash prizes but until this very moment I never even contemplated it contravened my gamble free streak.

Using your way of looking at it I’m happy to say that I don’t think for a second that I have. I can’t even remember which teams I choose and genuinely don’t give two hoots about winning or not, it was more a case of giving money to help fund players for the new season

Hi Equinox, really happy to hear you are in a good place with your recovery.

I know what you mean about the Gamstop. With my problem all being related to online I get the same warm feeling knowing I just can't gamble online even if I wanted to.

Keep up the good work, my friend.

Thanks Muststop123 and Ukds69 for your ongoing and kind support.

During a recent and pointless trawl of the internet I came across a picture of Derek Acorah, the guy that speaks to the dead (?). It was a photograph taken during last year's Celeb Big Brother and this is hardly the coolest thing to say, but it was because of Acorah that I developed my nasty gambling habit.

Not like it was his fault or anything - but the low chances of him winning the show started me on my gambling journey. I'd never bet a penny online until I saw the tempting odds being offered if Acorah was voted CBB winner. I joined an online bookmakers, placed a bet and within a day or so discovered the world of online roulette and blackjack.

Unexpectedly, seeing this photograph of Acorah brought back bucket full of self-loathing and disgust - and, if I"m honest, tinged with a bit of excitement at the memories of the first few big wins. But it was shocking just how deeply I reacted when seeing a bog standard Celeb BB promo photograph.

I'm not sure what I'm saying with this ... maybe it's something about discovering that gambling is still very close to the surface with me.

I also wanted to watch an episode of a tv show (which I'd seen it before a couple of months back) - but because I knew there was a roulette scene in it, I really coldn't bring myself to watch it.

Maybe I'm overreacting.

Hi Equinox

Not sure if it is overreacting - if sometime upsets or triggers an emotion in you then that is just the way it is.

Very similar this morning for me driving into work listening to the radio. They mentioned that they were going to do a piece later on the problem of children gambling in-game. Got to confess I am not totally sure what this involves but the very mention of it gave me that sudden anxious feeling in my stomach.

Maybe this remaining sensitivity to anything gambling related is good for us? Shows we have not become immune or complacent about it?

Keep up the good work.

Thanks Muststop - I think you're right, it shows we probably can't expect to feel immune or detached from gambling anymore. Wishful thinking, but I'd love to feel that way again - where gambling has about the same appeal to me as watching Neighbours in the afternoon or the Hollyoaks omnibus. That's how it used to be - I see a thousand adverts but they didn't even register with me.

Although I think after being hit with the 'high' of gambling, it's now impossible to ever feel detached or indifferent about it.

Part of the trouble for me is that my gambling days were a mix of 20% dangerous joy and excitement and 80% god awful misery - but it's that 20% that creates all sorts of conflicts and stupid thoughts. It's a bit like being in a relationship where for one or two days of the week you are in heaven, all soul mates, excitement and danger and for the rest of the week you're throwing frying pans at each other.

Nearly another week has chugged by without much chance of me gambling now that I'm protected by the Gamstop bubble of immunity.

Although I'm still a bit concerned about entering a bookies but so far there's no evidence to suggest I'm going to follow that path. I think if I'm ever foolish enough to enter one, that'll be the day my gambling fuse gets sparked up again.

But as things stand, on the whole I'm feeling so much more in control of my actions. Although I know it just takes one dumb trip to the casino and I'm back right to the beginning. So I'm keeping vigilant all the way with this one.

Hi Equinox, good to see you are doing so well!

I’ve now understood that in order to (properly)stop gambling we need a certain level amount of awareness. Unfortunately the only way we seem to be able to acquire that awareness is through experience. Mostly bad.

But once we’ve gained that awareness, the fog lifts and stopping becomes easier. Things make more sense. If that makes any sense!?

Thanks again Ukds69.

I always worry that the fog lifting is temporary, before gambling tries to seduce again. Gambling is such a love/hate thing for me - mostly hate hate hate, but I can have so many conflicting thoughts about gambling. The memories of the incredible highs sometimes try to paper over the awful lows.

I know I shouldn't rely on logic - but logic tells me that I'll always lose because I'll always gamble till I lost all my money, whether I'm up or down, chasing bigger and bigger wins till my greed backfires.

I think I'd like to try GA but I honestly don't think I'm in that bad a state with it at the moment. Maybe that's naive of me but it would feel like going to the doctors with a slight itch.

At the moment, I'm listening to an audio book about the 12 steps which is helping a bit. No doubt it's a poor substitute for the real thing but it's helping to keep me on track.

I'm posting less and less these days but still visit most days and catch up on some diaries, which helps to remind me of the obvious.

Although recently I've been having some thoughts of gambling at a casino. The pull of a few games of blackjack or roulette has been quite strong. I think this is because my online habits have been totally shut down - so I feel I deserve a few 'harmless' spins next time I'm in London. I try to convince myself that I can control my spending in a land casino (which I have always managed thanks to seeing real money being lost), compared to online gambling which just went into reckless gambling.

I've cut down on my drinking too, which is good. I'm not sure how long this will last though. I've not drank regularly for a couple of months now. Because I know when I start drinking I tend to drink a little too much and it's easier to stop altogether than monitor and regulate. I drink if there's an occassion or I'm on a road trip somewhere (about once a month), but I've stopped the weekly habit of drinking 3 or 4 nights a week. I really miss the drinking - last night I almost darted to the shop before it closed to grab a bottle, but resisted. In the morning I'm always grateful I've not had anything to drink. This is a very similar feeling to gambling.

I'm keeping healthy and and I'm productive with my work - so, all in all, life is so much better than this time last year.

And that's why I think I've got these predictable thoughts of 'you've got this cracked, treat yourself to some roulette next time you're in London'.

The addiction can and does switch formats when an avenue is closed. Are you registered with SENSE?

Hi Lethe - I'm not registered with SENSE, which probably says a lot about how half hearted I can be about this.

A couple of weeks ago I downloaded their 'Playing Safe 4 years on' brochure to get more of an idea about what they're doing. The odd thing that struck me about the brochure was that the photographs made gambling look so appealing.

The test to see if I'm serious about quitting would be to walk into a casino with my passport and fill out the form.

But I find it hard to gauge how deeply addicted I am.

On a good day my thoughts go: 'you got into online casinos, it got badly out of hand, but now that's sorted - and land casinos aren't the same level of threat'

On another day I think 'gambling was a couple of days away from doing massive damage to my life. Don't think you'll ever sort this out - getting addicted means I've got myself a lifetime's battle with gambling'.

I'd like to try counselling but I honestly don't think I'd be a good use of their resources. I feel there are many people who need their time and help much more than me.

The whole thing really confuses me still.

I take alot of reassurance from the fact that it's been months since I've gambled out of control. I've had some lapses, which have always hurt, but they didn't have the recklnessness of the online gambling. As I type this, I'm stitting on the same sofa where I did a lot of my frenzied gambling sessions and it fills me with such fear and shame and regret. I never want that to be part of my life again.

This diary entry is full of contradictions. But it's clear that SENSE is the big test for me if I'm serious about leaving gambling behind.

I haven't posted much recently in my diary.

I'm not too sure where I am in my gambling. I know Gamstop has brought an end to my online gambling and for that I'm so grateful. It takes the choice out of my hands. I know that's not a great display of self-control but it works. Admittedly, one night I did try to register to an online site but didn't get very far.

I did worry that the bookies might prove to be an attractive alternative to gambling for me, but so far, so good. And I'm pretty sure I won't make that jump. My weakness are games of pure chance rather than slots - so that's pretty much just roulette and blackjack, not the slots which are dependent on some algorithm.

I did relapse at a casino in London (twice). But I didn't go wild. And oddly, I didn't feel too bad afterwards. I really didn't gamble much and because, on one occasion, I'd missed my last train home, it really was a convenient place to spend time till the first train back. And I suppose this is the confusing bit for me - in my heart, I feel like I've got it under control. But I also know that that is probably reckless way to look at it.

Because there's no casino in the city where I live, I do feel relatively safe from gambling. And because if I go into a casino, my access to money is limited to a daily withdrawal limit of £250, it seems relatively low level damage compared to how much could be spent gambling online.

That's why I feel safe from it. I don't think I've tackled the heart of the problem - which is me and my tendency towards addiction. But, for the moment, I do feel like I have a healthier relationship with gambling because of the forced restrictions of gamstop.

Even though this diary is primarily a place to put my thoughts about gambling, I also realise that if people read my half-hearted spoutings about controlling gambling, it won't be helpful and could also be very offensive. Like a drug addict telling peole in recovery he enjoys a fix every month or two. This forum is a place for people who want to rid themselves of gambling, not dabblers. So I won't update my diary until I've made a definite choice to quit for good.

I think the big difference for me is that I'm not thinking about gambling online everyday - whether it's fighting it, missing it or playing it. The issue of gambling plays a much smaller part in my life and thoughts.

But common sense still tells me to do the obvious and join SENSE, just to be just be done with it. I'm reluctant to take that step which speaks volumes.

Edit: After writing this post, it played on my mind all evening. I think I'm fooling myself trying the 'all things in moderation' approach to gambling. It's an excuse to keep gambling. But I honestly don't feel like this diary is the right place for me to post my thoughts until I subscribe to SENSE. Also if I can moderate my gambling then I shouldn't be posting here. It's like I'm gloating about how great it is to have a flutter. I have really valued the support I've been given over the last year and the strength I've got from reading other people's diaries, but if I'm dithering about quitting shouldn't be posting. I will keep visiting the forum and will offer support to others if I can without feeling like a hypocrite.

I'm back after a couple of relapses at land casinos.

I promised I wouldn't post in my diary again until I joined SENSE. Which I did today! I know this probably hasn't defeated my addiction but it's certainly defeated my available options. I'd got back into the habit of making a couple of visits to casinos each month, trying to restrain myself but failing.

And then I'd start anicipating arrival and departure times in the cities I'd visit so I could make sure I'd got plenty of space for a lengthy gambling session. I knew it was getting badly hand but part of me really enjoyed it. But today I promised myself I'd join SENSE and be done with it. It was hard to do. Unfortunately, I knew I'd have to lose every penny I had on me before I could walk over to see the manageress for my talk. This seems silly now that I'm out of the place. Even though I was up, financially, I just wanted out of the sea-sawing of winning and losing. That's why I knew that if I blew all the money I had on me, I'd feel so angry with myself and my predictable behaviour that there'd be no chance I could just leave the casino without taking some sort of action.

So glad I did. I had a lovely chat with the casino manager and I've excluded for 6 months (I think this is standard), but she put a note on my account that I want it to be a least a year. The good thing is it doesn't automatically lift after the period expires.

This decision is going to give me some serious gamble free time - It's such an unburdening knowing that the whole of 2019 is casino free for me. No more suffering that ongoing heavy nag about being up or down.

The only danger remaining is the bookies - but I've never been in one and I really don't think I will. So I feel pretty armoured up now.

This feels like a great start to 2019.