Time to start my diary ...

Thanks sjwsjw - I do feel so much more determined this time around. And it does feel less of a struggle.

On Day 16 now. It's very much a slowly-slowly-catchy-monkey approach, taking it one moment at a time. I don't have many genuine gambling urges, except the odd cowboy thought of

aww, c'mon buddy, it wasn't so bad, was it? Just keep it controlled. What about the money from Ebay?

- tries to creep in. But I'm finding that it's easier to dismiss these thoughts with a mental shrug of the shoulders. It's like gambling has lost its appeal for me and is now a bit dull. I can see why it has an appeal, but not for me after what it did to me. And I know I'm listening to the dimwit voice of my very own con artist, sponsored by the casinos, who's trying to fleece me of every penny and make me feel like dirt again.

I'm determined not to be that person and I'm determined not let myself down again.

Day 18.

All urges totally under my control. Not sure if they even count as urges ... more like thoughts.

I was walking past a high street bookies today after finishing a bit of Christmas shopping - and a thought suddenly popped into my head - go on, have a go on one of those fancy fobt things ... a couple of tenners ... big Christmas payout!

It's hard to explain - but it wasn't an urge. There was no 'pull' for me to go in - I've never been in a bookies except two or three times for the Grand National. It was almost an amusing thought.

I think it's just my mind deciding to say the most inappropriate thing to me. It saw the bookies and thought Ah ha! I'll wind up my owner with this thought because I know he's always Equinoxing around on that gamcare site and he'll have to write this up in his silly diary -

But that's what minds do, so I'm not worried about it. I remember listening to some lecture by meditation master Jon Kabat-Zinn and he said that at the most unexpected times, your head will be full of awful and inappropriate thoughts.

When I was a child, I attended Catholic mass twice a week - and I remember a lot of the times I prayed, when I thought God would be listening to my every word - rude junior school phrases that I'd just learnt in the classroom would just pop into my head and I'd end up blurting them right out to God. I remember feeling terrible about itl. And I think it's the same thing happening with some of my gambling thoughts - there's no foundation to them, it's just my mind playing another prank, trying to wind me up.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas and I'm certain I won't be spending one moment of it gambling.

And to anyone that reads this diary - Happy Christmas to you and all your loved ones.

Day 20. All still good. The gambling beast has beat a retreat - I'm not feeling any urges to register to a casino and bring my mood right down.

Happy Christmas Eve everybody!

Congratulations Equinox on 20 days gamble free.

I look forward to being with you on the recovery road in 2018. We will all be going forward together trying to put distance between ourselves and the last bet.

You, I and everyone on the diaries knows how hard it is to overcome our urges to gamble. Our gambling mind loves playing the game "lets beat the addiction" because up until now it has always won. Now is a golden opportunity to regain our lives. For too long we have lived under the yoke of gambling addiction. Let's now fight for our freedom.

Men & women young & old, from every walk of life, and every level of society. The addiction will recruit from wherever it can. The one thing that has drawn us together is our desire to be free from gambling and the misery that goes with it.

I wish you well in your struggle. Fight like your life depends on it because it may well do so.

On a brighter note - Yihaaa - let's party..... It's Christmas and time to rock your socks off

Thanks for the support Abstainer - well, Christmas has passed and I'm still gamble free.

I did one big isolated urge - and it was much more powerful than expected. It almost puts me in a trance like state where I start stepping mindlessly, zombie-like, towards opening up the gambling channels online. I stepped a little too close for comfort, but managed to squash it before I stepped too near.

I need to keep expecting the urges to arrive - but keep my guard up and my head screwed tightly on.

I've spent plenty of time with my family, loving it and grateful for every second, and even enjoyed nursing the odd hangover - the worthwhile life is right here in front of my nose - not on a roulette table.

And yes, Abstainer - I look forward to being on the road to recovery with you in 2018 - keeping it free of any gambling whatsoever.

Hi Equinox

Great to hear you are remaining GF and enjoying the good life with your family. Crazy what we risk for the spin of a few numbers.

I've not been posting much on here as been away/busy but have still been checking in. Let's make sure we start 2018 as winners by not gambling.

Muststop123

Thanks Muststop123 - Besides one close-ish call, I'm feeling more more detached from the gambling world and I'm pretty sure I'll make it to 2018 without another gamble. And I'm looking forward to keeping 2018 gamble free.

You've been a real rock to me and helped to keep me on track. It's strange that I don't really know you except as text on a page - but I feel as if I owe you a hell of alot. Your commitment and clear-minded approach to ridding gambling from your life is a shining light for me.

Hi Equinox

Thanks for kind words here and on my diary. I like to imagine that whatever gamble free day we are all on, whether if is 1 or 500, we are in a big line, linked arms striding forward away from any possibility of gamble. We have to try and hold each other up some days and know that another day we will be the one being supported.

I will be having a couple of drinks tonight and I too will be silently toasting my buddies struggling on here.

Keep at it my friend, one day at a time.

Thanks Muststop123 - it does feel like a band of brothers and sisters here. It's hard to imagine how hard I would have found it to tackle gambling without this site and its people.

I've got to my 28 days gf again - this was the furthest I'd got before relapsing last time. But it's been nearly 2 months since I've gambled at an online casino which is beginning to feel like a chunk of time. An afternoon without gambling was once a struggle.

I woke up this morning straight from a dream where I'd gambled £30 on online roulette using my phone. The initial dream bet was £15 but I tried to cancel it before the 'place your bets' timer expired but ended up doubling it - I felt gutted in the dream that I was back to my old ways. The shame and regret felt very real. I woke up just after that moment and felt a massive sense of relief. It looks like my subconscious decided to treat me to a warning shot at the start of the new year.

I used to wake up from a gambling dream absolutely gutted about having broken my day count...I don’t recall if winning or losing made a blind bit of difference which just goes to show that my recovery was more important just like yours is now. I must admit, I rarely have them since I jacked it in completely but I recall starting to enjoy them in a laugh @ the bookies kind of way. Guess it’s like those random ones where you’re swimming through air or walking on water (no, just me, what about flying a Harrier Jet then), you know it’s something you can’t actually do but you may as well enjoy the fairytale...It’s not like I wasn’t living one for most of my life!

I'm being hit by what seems like a very real and very dangerous urge. Mad as it sounds, I physically felt it - a two minute warning, giving me the heads up that I'll be fighting a fight tonight. It's been 3 hours.

That's why I'm here. Trying to take a breather from it. It's late and I should just go to bed. And wake up with no regrets.

After logging in, I've just seen my 30 days gf on my account info (okay, 40 minutes into a day hardly counts but I'll take it). Got to remember my nightmare on New Year's day and how s--t I felt after having gambled just 30 imaginary quid.

I'll sign out of here and trust it won't go bad.

Being here helped a lot.

I hate myself when I get like this.

It's weak and pointless. A black mood hits where I end up detonating something or other in my life.

Stop being pathetic, go to bed, dream some dreams and wake up better.

For the record and to be honest to my diary- I joined a new site that takes paypal because I've got 600 pounds in it and was more than ready to see if I could build it to something bigger.

Somebody needs to give me a good punch on the nose.

Thank heavens for this site. Or rather, thank the good people here who make up the site and whoever hosts it.

I'm feeling a bit scaredy-cat to log out but I need to at some point but I'll hover over this sentence for a bit longer .........

I've just thought that this is how the sailors must have felt when they were lured by the Sirens to the rocks. Although FoxyB...o 's webpage is not quite as alluring an image.

Ride this storm out, it will pass!

Be greatful in the morning as you did the right thing by coming on here and putting your thoughts down!

Nice & steady...a min at a time, an hour at a time - you're doing it!

Peaceful dreams and have a good day tom!

S&B xx

Thanks a million S_J_B - this place and your post was a lifeline.

I stayed up a while longer - but forced a 6 week closure on the account - if I tried to self-exclude it might have taken 24 hours and it didn't fancy chancing it.

So Dear Diary - what can I say? Except that your owner is a fool.

If I try to trace why it did it - I think I was looking for a short term money solution. The Christmas period ends and it was that feeling of facing another year with a lot of financial uncertainty. My work has died down again and I'll be lucky if I earn anything this month. That's part of it, maybe. Plus, the money in the Paypal account was from Ebay sales over the last 2 months or so and I thought it'd be safe there so I hadn't moved it out. But I honestly don't know - it didn't have that sensible dialogue to it. It was more a what the hell just do it stick a hundred on and try to do a double double up.

It didn't feel good - I felt very down with the thoughts, almost exhausted by it.

But this site saved me.

I'd previously said in someone's diary that I'm ready to resist the urges, in fact I think I said I was looking forward to them making an appearance because I felt so confident I could tackle the challenge.

I did manage to resist, and that's the main thing. And this is what my habit does - it will try and try and try to get me to buckle, so I feel powerless. But I can keep resisting and resisting and at some point one of us will get bored.

Doing what I did last night feels nearly as bad as relapsing. I'm sick to my stomach again. But this is all on me, all my fault, all my doing, so I need to shut up about it and do something productive.

And thanks again S_J_B.

Hi Equinox

You are not a fool because you did the right thing and did not gamble. We know the urges are going to come (I have been having a few unwelcome thoughts myself recently) but it is how we deal with them that matters and you did the right thing.

I don't like bleating on about the same things though but I will anyway. The money-time-location triangle thing. You do seem to have easy access to reasonable sums of unmonitored money. I am not saying i can't get hold of money but my wife would know pretty quickly if i was spending it on gambling. Given your good lady knows about your gambling would you be able to let her have a bit more visability of your finances - not necessarily control but knowing she will know if you gamble again might be an additional block?

Well done on resisting.

Thanks Muststop123. You're right about resisting being the main thing and I'm so glad I did. Although all this backward and forwarding between urge and resisting can be such a drain. Now I've written that, it feels a pretty pathetic thing to say - but life does seem a bit in limbo at the moment, trapped in a pointless fight with myself about a stupid bloody roulette wheel.

As for my Paypal - normally there's usually no more than fifty pounds or so in there - it's just that I've let it grow recently. I'm beginning to wonder whether I let it grow because I was secretly thinking it was a gambling money pot. I don't think I did - but I don't believe half the things I say anymore.

I think if I'd have gambled I would have told Mrs Equinox. But you're right about it being a reasonable sum and maybe it shouldn't just be sitting there waiting for me to relapse. But I think a big part of it is I want to trust myself again with money and having it in the Paypal account is a badge of trust between myself and cash. Maybe that's a foolish idiot's dream - especially after last night's dabble with the dark side.