To do it properly

Hi Paul,

I hope you find some peace and calm this weekend, bottling all this up inside you is not healthy, is there no one you can confide in, around your family or friends, because it would help you if you could tell at least one person, I understand your reasons as to why you have not, but it would really help you to give recovery a good kick start, and that addiction would hate that.

Take care over the weekend and think of you.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne, thanks for your support again, unfortunately there is no-one to share with, I will explain Sunday night, wishing you a happy peaceful gamble free weekend - Paul

Ok Paul,

Take care

Suzanne xxx

A week-end before Xmas should be happy times alas ....................... My last ever gambling binge of 10/12/15 (that date will stay with me forever) has left me so so low, I can barely function, but I have got through another weekend with family. Not sure how long I can keep the happy pretence up though. I'm asked why I cannot share this current issue with family/friends. In 2013 after confessing endless times to my girlfriend and she then making me tell my son's, I gave my re-assurance I would never again gamble. They said in return for their support, I was getting this last shot to get it right, I took a lot of notice ... not. So I can not tell them about any gambling since 2013, or i will lose them forever. I don't trust any friends not to then tell another friend if I confide to on - obviously I am very embarrassed about what has happened - mortified. But I have to deal with the grieving of the loss of the money with a counsellor for 12 weeks, the people on here who offer support and myself. I have to face it I was given a chance to take back all my losses and I failed. I am a CG.

Morning Paul,

I understand what you are saying about not wanting to tell your girlfriend, you don't want to hurt her, or your sons, and the embarrassment and shame you feel.and then the consequences.

It is a very hard thing to do confess yet again, but I suspect that they do know something is not quite right with you, even with the false happy face on.

You are carrying a very big burden on your own shoulders, it's affecting your every day functioning, it must be really hard to keep this to yourself,

Meetings with your counsellor and coming here, gives you some support, but may not be enough, this addiction/illness is too strong, and you are keeping it alive by not being honest to your nearest.

This is your decision my friend and I understand, but you maybe making your recovery harder to deal with keeping it secret.x

As the days and weeks build up, you will feel stronger and more confident with yourself and maybe you will be able to confide in your girlfriend, it really is a release when we can do this, even though we know what the consequences can be.

Nether less you have done really well to get through two weekends, at this raw time,

Have a good day at work, Paul, and just think about this, to let go of gambling we have to let it out,

Take care and catch you later

Suzanne xxx

Thanks GT for your comment and support. Suzanne as always constructive and helpful, but I have to do this alone, any further gambling admissions will result in loss of family members and my sole mate in life my partner. I think I prefer having them about to not having them, right now they are happy and looking forward to Xmas, why should I make them miserable, they have problems/issues like all people in life do, why should I compound them with my misery. It would help me to unburden, but pass a further burden on to them. It's not fair, I asked for support many times got it, I didn't listen, I didn't adhere, I have to pay the price. I will survive, it will take a long time to recover fully but I will get there. Catch you soon

Hi Paul,

We all do our journeys to abstain and recover from gambling differently.

We all do it our own ways, I do get why you are keeping this to yourself, and not wanting to hurt your partner. and burden her with this, so I do respect your reasons:)

Am glad you said you will survive:) , but please don't be too hard on yourself, this addiction is progressive, and does not give up.

Have you considered GA, where you will meet and hear other folks experiences, to be honest, I have put going to one on my New Years list, (OH not keen for me to attend but it is something I want to do) have thought about it for a few months now, but I am now at a stage where my journey needs fresh grass to walk on if that makes sense, to keep my recovery from getting stagnent, it sure has not been boring, but you know I like to keep one step ahead.

In all honesty Paul, without mentioning the amount you won back and then lost, I think you have done amazing these last 10 days or so, and you I do believe have resigned yourself to the fact that your gambling days are over. that is a massive achievement in itself, and to come on here, posting exactly how you feel, shows you are a survivor my friend. so time now to give yourself some credit, you have not given up on giving up, even though you have a steepish hill to climb:)

Sod it Paul, if I was in your shoes 10 days ago, I don't know what I would have done, you are stronger than you think and I believe this your time now, as you do.

Take care and catch you laterx

Suzanne xxx

You are an amazing supportive soldier, without your constant encouragment, I don't really know where I would be to-day, what I mean is that I may have packed the bags and just kept driving south till the car conked out, but your constant support and belief in recovery opens a little window every day that believes I can beat the terrible after effects of this addication. You are right I have reached my rock bottom. Right now I feel I will never gamble again, because if you win £K... and lose all that, you are a useless gambler. So it is over for me, it's going forward, moving forward on a daily basis, that is so tough. I hope to find leisure pursuits for after work to take away that void of going home to an empty house 5 days a week and picking up the gambling bug. Catch you soon my wonderful friend.

Hey you, that's twice now in 10 days you have made my eyes water:)))

I was feeling so sorry for myself last week and throwing my dollies out of the pram, through frustration,andcfeeling sorry for myself, he'll Paul I was having real life mega dreams about gamblng, hence one of the reasons I felt nothing to give myself a clap on the back for for reaching day 600,

Listen if we gambled and won 500.000 grand on a say 100 bet, or whatever, the minute we win whatever back, we know deep inside we are going to just let it nudge away:)), you are doing brill, you always struck a chord anyway with me, because we are around the same age, (ok you are older) lol,, I believe in you PAUL, let's just keep doing the walk, (jeez we are past the running bit)

Catch you later

Suzanne xxx

There are people on this site who post and maybe make a small difference and help people a little, then there are people like you Suzannne (and also James P and Sabine's story) who make a massive difference to people's gambling issues. I'm not bullying you up, for you have had major gambling issues and come through them (yes through them) and without you this site would be 50% less effective. As Christmas approaches I drink to you my caring soldier. Catch you later/tomorrow but soon - Paul

Hi Diary, not really counting the days since last gambled, for me its the dark low days of depression I am counting, followed by the worry regarding my future financial well-being. It ways on me like a brick dragging me down around my neck. I can't seem to find anything positive in any form of normal living. I just want to close myself away from everyone and sleep. I know this a classic case of depression ............ but what can I expect losing the sum I lost. My abiding hope is that when I am posting on here in 2016, a chink of light will have appeared on the horizon ............. to give my life some hope, some purpose, some meaning, some happiness. Gambling addication has taken for now all that from me. Cheers Mr Gambling Industry have a Xmas drink on my lost funds.

Keep strong and yes you will be able to look back with more to be cheerful over. Just a thought which is kind of where i feel i am presently. The confiding in people isnt nearly as bad in reality as the burden of carrying it all yourself. ... or in my experience anyway, but i appreciate you may not wish to do so right now when its so raw and so close to xmas. I am personally looking to meet a milestone in recovery and then make some admissions of my own. A nbit like i relapsed, but ive been working on it, now im abstaining and in recvoery and feel string enough to tell you and ask you to help me with rest of my journey. There is a danger you dont do it on your own, or that your hell to live with wihout the right support... so only you can decide of course

Its different for everybody. Plenty of people have however shown us that recovery is within our reach.

Evening Paul, Wow, I feel totally unworthy of your praise, I am just another soldier on here, walking along a bumpy road at times, but committed to my recovery journey:)) but I appreciate your thoughts, thank you xxx

It's also the time of year for feeling depressed, 🙂

Just concentrate on one day at a time, and your family, these dark days will soon diminish,

Take care my friend and keep strong.

Suzanne xxx

Evening Suzanne and diary, thanks again Suzanne. I'm suppose to post what I am thinkin. 8 ish years ago i could buy clothes, an average car when i needed to, take a holiday, a new settee, an unbumpy mattress - then I found roulette it took my hard (very hard) earnt savings (I have worked every year of my life for forty years - only standard holidays taken). But roulette gave me another shot at the nice things in life - October 21st 2015 - 10th December 2015 - a chance to get all my savings (hard earnt) back. If I could have withdrawn all my winnings there and then (morning of 10/12/15) I would have, but Casino T&C limit you, what kind of rules are they - you can deposit forever but withdraw when they say and what they say - robbery i say. So 9 weeks of a shot that an average person would save in their working life back - all gone in 1 day - 10/12/15. I'm typing as I feel - utterly gutted and devasted. I have been here for days now trying to make sense of it all, and seek a way forward - but i don't think the type of loss I suffered will ever go away. So if the Mr bigshot hr people from the gaming companies (who fund this site as a sap to people like me) look at this site and see my thread, I hope you are ashamed to be working for and offering like-minded people the opportunity to mess their lives up. Merry Christmas to you all. This is a nasty rant, but I feel liking hitting out . Good night world.

Hi Paul

Long time no speak. I've not been on here for ages and haven't gambled since May this year. I don't know why but last Saturday I was home alone ( last relationship broke up) and I switched on the horse racing. Had 2 X v small bets and they both won. Not good so I came back on here and looked for you. Don't know why but last time you really helped me when I was in a bad place.

So when I seen your posts I really felt for you mate. I can relate to what your feeling but only you know how you feel right now. Do you know what you got to forget the money that's just a driver of our illness. No amount of money will ever satisfy us..... It's all about the next one and the next bet.

You have a choice to make now, don't get me wrong it will take time but you still have your health, girlfriend and children mate concentrate on that for now and just live each day.

Thinking of you pal,

Gary