Hi
My name is Dave and I am a compulsive Gambler, I did not know that I was very emotionally vulnerable, I did not know that I had certain emotional triggers.
I questioned what is a recovery program, there were lots of talking about religion yet I was a non religious person, would the recovery program work for me.
It was pointed out that being in meetings at least I was not gambling, did that mean once you abstain from gambling you are cured.
Later I found that the word Recovery means healing.
Did it mean I needed to heal from gambling addiction, no I was going to heal from all pains in my life not just while I was Gambling.
Then I started to abstain from the Gambling addiction and only then once I stopped causing myself self abuse could I even start to heal from the pains long before my unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy obsessions.
Like many did I understand why I was emotionally vulnerable.
That I lived in fears and doubts even though I was not gambling.
For me I find in time that the reference to the buzz was very much adrenaline based, the bigger the risk the bigger the buzz.
How could I think that self abuse and isolation was fun and happiness.
Sadly in time I would understand that when I married my wife Shirley I did not know what love was.
In time I would understand that all the time I was living in my fears I could not love other people because I could not love myself.
I could not respect myself, did that mean I could not respect other people.
In time I gave up the easy option of talking about money money lost or about being action and I started to open up because I knew money and gambling were not my problem.
I would start to open up and give a therapy, what my feelings and emotions that day that week.
I would start to talk about how vulnerable I was, how much I feared in my life, how much pain I could not deal with.
Going to counselling only happened once my fears were reduced drastically.
I went to eleven counsellors, they could not help me until I was willing to open up more and more.
I also started to understand that they could only help me if they have got past their emotional vulnerability them self.
In time I would identify each of my emotional triggers, my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my Loneliness and my boredom.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson for me to learn from.
No matter how many times I went back to gambling it was very important to keep going to meetings.
There were many times I wanted to talk in meetings sadly I would not volunteer, there were many times I did not want to talk, that very much fear based and feeling emotionally vulnerable.
People will not talk about lack of confidence feeling inadequate and insecure because they think it will make them even more vulnerable.
In time we all learn how to articulate our feelings and emotions, then we understand it is healthier and less painful to make those difficult calls and when cheaper when are vulnerable and feeling uncomfortable in our self.
How long to learn about myself, how long to not fear being me, how long to articulate about how vulnerable, to understand the only person who can help me is myself.
By me sharing and opening up I was bale to make safer and healthier choices more often.
The calls I make are less about anxiety fear panic and self doubt, and more about healthy intimacy and interactions with like minded people who help me understand that I both want and need healthy interacting with all people.
The money lost has gone, nothing I can do or say can bring that money back.
The unhealthy pains I have caused myself and the unhealthy pains other people caused me I can heal and forgive that is my choice today.
I am not able to heal other peoples pains, that is their choice not mine, it is their choice to forgive me, not my choice.
As I get healthy in myself and I am healthier in my words and my actions, their fear of me hopefully reduce, as theirs fears reduce their trust grows, that again is their choice.
If I am working my recovery in a healthy way and am no longer a threat to myself or other people there is a gap which was filled with more intimacy and more trust.
Being in recovery I also understand that the addict is not always the only one that is unhealthy in one way or another.
So as the addicts attend meetings the other rooms often help the partners heal and open for them self.
Often I have heard the partners say and mean it I would be happy and more secure if my partner was not an addict.
Then in time as they see and hear other people talk they start to understand there was a reason they married an addict.
There was one person many years ago that married an addict, divorced him and then married another addict,
divorced him and then married another addict, the question was why do I keep falling for addicts.
In time after many years I understood there was a reason I married my wife and later after healing in myself I would understand that I married Shirley because she also had pains in her life that were not healed.
As I became healthier and healthier she would ask and be curious how recovery and healing works, by our intimacy grew and there were more health sharing of my vulnerability, she would see and feel more in me.
At meeting last week there was a mention of a program called after life, the person was excited by seeing it and how stimulated he was, well I started watching it and got hooked.
I mentioned it to Shirley and last night she started to watch it with me, I had seen it all before but it was beneficial to watch again.
I was surprised to see that I was able to cry at the things I had already scene.
There is a decision made by politicians to reduce restrictions about masks and opening up the public to open areas, I feel it is very unhealthy for politicians to ignore the medical experts and take the risk of undermining the hospitals.
Because I care and respect myself I will continue to wear my masks where ever I go, not because of living in fear but the fact I think I am healthier and do not want to put my myself or others at risk.
How is it that I care more about myself than other people will.
In the meetings being an equal and understanding where people have come from I need to be more patient and tolerant ad understand where I came from.
I have been in recovery since 1970, I am 29 years clean, why did it take me so long to get it, to understand how recovery works, in my sharing at meetings is it about who is right or wrong, is it about who knows best, could I have been in meetings all that time and not got it not got the light bulb moment.
The recovery program all the words and text, the meetings and all of our sharing, our journey shared it will not work until a person wants to be become healthy complete, to become spiritually healthy and whole with in them self.
How much do they or I want it today.
How much did I value myself, how much time and effort was I wiling to invest in to myself, to become selfish about my recovery.
I attend meetings to this day not because I fear gambling or all unhealthy habits, today I attend meetings because in the meetings I see and feel myself in other people not only as I was but more about who I can became.
The only person that limits me is myself.
In my recovery I both want and need more healthy in my life.
With a healthy open mind a healthy heart and learning more healthy interactions I can see and feel my life with out any fears what so ever.
Love an peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
Hi
There were many kinds of abuse in my earlier years.
There was neglect, emotional abuse. physical abuse, and sexual abuse, there came a time when I closed up in my trauma and the walls of fear built around me so that it was impossible for me to get out of myself.
I walked in to the recovery program doubting any thing or any one could help me from my addictions and obsessions.
I use to think that my legs twitching were normal.
I use to think that not being able to have intimate relationships was normal.
Yes for sure I was so confused and lost and did not even know myself or understand myself.
Would one think that I am here now fix me works.
Was I paying the victim thinking I could no or would not get healthy.
Time off my gambling would make me happy and healthy and secure.
Well the drain of funds would reduce.
The simple fact that the trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learn and take in information so education was a no go for me.
Walked out of school gates 15 years of age thinking I was free, not so.
At one time I said to myself I wanted to do nothing with my life.
Then I had the choice, I went to the coast in a caravan and did nothing for one year.
I then knew that I did not want to do nothing with my life.
Yet what are my choices did I understand my needs my wants, did I understand what goals were.
What is motivation it is done through anger and resentments.
Then you walk in to the recovery program, what is it.
If I do nothing will it fix me.
So abstaining is my purpose to abstain and do nothing else with my life but work.
Then time in abstaining, I knew that I needed to do more in my recovery, that I needed to replace each unhealthy habit with healthy habit, simply one at a time.
So at one time I attended electronics course in Electronic engineering.
After my exams I asked every one what there answers were to some of the questions.
Every ones answers were different to mine.
The assumption I made and assumed was that I had failed once more in my life.
Shirley and I returned back home to fin exam results on the door step.
I was just in the process of tearing up the envelope with out opening the envelope and seeing my results.
Shirley asked me why would I not open it and see the results, seeing I was a failure again would be to painful
Well Shirley got me to open up the envelope and look at the results and I had in fact passed on my classes.
How hard was it to be kind to myself.
How hard was it to be nurturing and encouraging to myself.
How hard was it to admit that I had been living in fear most of my life.
When asked in to the office my instant reaction what have I done wrong this time.
Is that in any way healthy.
To not try some thing new I am cheating myself.
To learn to measure twice and cut once.
To plan work out sequence to do some skillful things and have confidence in myself.
One day on the road I break down, man pulls up and helps me get car working.
I put my hand in to my pocket to give him money and he asked what are you doing, I told him I wanted to show my appreciation.
He explained he did it because he wanted to do it, no reward no money nothing, helping me gave him pleasure.
He gave of him self unconditionally.
I think he is nuts and I am the sane person.
Later in my recovery lady parked on the edge of the road, I puled up asked if I could help her, she had run out of petrol.
I pulled petrol can out of my boot and started to put petrol in to her tank.
Her instant reaction is I have to give you money, I asked why, she told me she would feel guilty accepting my petrol, yet I was willing to give it to her.
Why should you feel guilty if I am willing to give it to you?
Now at this instant she thinks that I am insane, yet in her I saw myself a vulnerable person.
Can I ask for help today.
Do I express my gratitude and appreciation to all people today.
Can I ask for directions I a store.
Can I apologize with out feeling guilty.
Can I do some thing with out being obsessive about it.
Can I have balance in my life today.
A simple question is if I knew I had only one day to live what would be important that day.
This question if asked of our self gets us to understand what is the most important thing in our life today and get focused on those things.
After a conference I attended in the USA I was in a hotel.
In the early hours of he morning I m having a walk around the hotel, I sea a man looking very sad and alone.
We talked for some time and then once we have ended the chat I was going to leave and then he asked me, do you know what I am going to do today. Puzzled I asked please tell.
The man told me he was going to tell his son that he loved him.
That share with a stranger had very powerful consequences.
He over came his fears and was going to interact in a very healthy way that would change his son and his life.
It was his choice, he understood the most important person in his life was his son, he was going to let him know how he felt.
This is not rare, in meetings we often start to get the light bulb moment that helps us get our a**e in to gear.
The recovery program was never going to stop me gambling.
That was my choice my decision, to understand that giving up my unhealthy habits would change my life and how I felt.
Clarity and understanding helps us get even more motivated towards our needs wants and our goals.
In my recovery there were many moments in a one to one moment that has been very powerful.
Those walls of fear reduce and reduce, the trust grows and the there is intimacy moments.
Those fears drop to single numbers.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham.
Hi
My honesty in the meetings grew and grew.
I have talked about so many thinsg in my life that people in the rooms as mucha botu me as I know myself.
I found a meeting in North London which was very powerful for me as they were honest therpies.
I use to travel from Kent once a week because of those deep honest therapies.
They helped me learn to articualte my feelings and emotions so I could express how vulnerable I felt.
I now live in Calgary Canada yet still attend meeting once per week.
I have only missed one meeting this year.
Do I feel inadequate and insecure today, not all all.
Do I fear what people think of me today, not at all.
I did karate for over two years and put a lot of time and energy in to it.
After that two years in karate I understood that I still feared aggression confrontation and anger.
Once I understood my fears and understood where it came from my child hood I reduced it right down to nothing.
When asked in to the office the isntant assumption on my part was what have I done wrong.
It was a very unhealthy reaction, yet why lack of self esteem, yet why lack of confidence, why thing I was guilt all of the time.
That very unhealthy reaction I needed to face and deal with.
I constructed in England an extension, a person came round and complimented me, my instant reaction was there was a crack in the wood on the top left corner.
No matter whow ell I did I woudl find fault in my efforts and my work.
Has that now stopped trying to undermine myself.
The more thinsg we do the more successful we feel in our self.
I use to think that lots of money would make me feel succesful.
Now the truth today is that my healthy actions and my healthy words make me feel succesful today.
The recovery program could not stop me gambling.
The recovery program could not stop me lying.
The recovery program could not stop me living in fear.
The recovery program helped me ehal and get healthier each day day by day.
The recovery program is like mounatin climbling, you are tied by a rope so other people help you learn how to deal with things in your life in a safe way.
Walking in to the recovery program I could not trust my self with money.
Walking in to the recovery program I could not be honest with my self or with other people.
Today I can laugh at myself.
The simple truth today is that if I can do recovery any one can.
How much time and effort are you willing to invest in to your self and your recovery today.
Dave L
Hi
My honesty in the meetings grew and grew.
I have talked about so many thinsg in my life that people in the rooms as mucha botu me as I know myself.
I found a meeting in North London which was very powerful for me as they were honest therpies.
I use to travel from Kent once a week because of those deep honest therapies.
They helped me learn to articualte my feelings and emotions so I could express how vulnerable I felt.
I now live in Calgary Canada yet still attend meeting once per week.
I have only missed one meeting this year.
Do I feel inadequate and insecure today, not all all.
Do I fear what people think of me today, not at all.
I did karate for over two years and put a lot of time and energy in to it.
After that two years in karate I understood that I still feared aggression confrontation and anger.
Once I understood my fears and understood where it came from my child hood I reduced it right down to nothing.
When asked in to the office the isntant assumption on my part was what have I done wrong.
It was a very unhealthy reaction, yet why lack of self esteem, yet why lack of confidence, why thing I was guilt all of the time.
That very unhealthy reaction I needed to face and deal with.
I constructed in England an extension, a person came round and complimented me, my instant reaction was there was a crack in the wood on the top left corner.
No matter whow ell I did I woudl find fault in my efforts and my work.
Has that now stopped trying to undermine myself.
The more thinsg we do the more successful we feel in our self.
I use to think that lots of money would make me feel succesful.
Now the truth today is that my healthy actions and my healthy words make me feel succesful today.
The recovery program could not stop me gambling.
The recovery program could not stop me lying.
The recovery program could not stop me living in fear.
The recovery program helped me ehal and get healthier each day day by day.
The recovery program is like mounatin climbling, you are tied by a rope so other people help you learn how to deal with things in your life in a safe way.
Walking in to the recovery program I could not trust my self with money.
Walking in to the recovery program I could not be honest with my self or with other people.
Today I can laugh at myself.
The simple truth today is that if I can do recovery any one can.
How much time and effort are you willing to invest in to your self and your recovery today.
Dave L
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