Who am I?

Hi who welcome to the sight. You have made a start by visiting the sight and admitting to yourself you want help. Read some diaries on here some will start making you feel that yu relate to the other members and are not alone here. But you need more than here in my view to help yourself, you need support!!! this drug I believe is life long and learning to deal with urges and demonsis key..

Good luck to you x

Day 1

Today marks a new beginning in my life. I commit to this journey and my recovery.

Today I have had a lovely day out with my partner and I said in 365 days I'd like to return, hopefully in a lot better place.

Thank you Julie and Redbar for your comments they mean a lot.

Today has been good, however emotionally I've been very up and down, I am tired now and looking forward to having a decent nights sleep.

Night all and wishing everyone strength!

Day 2

So here is to day 2. I've already had thoughts when I woke up about gambling, but luckily I have lots of plans over the next few days to keep me busy.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and my future and the question Julie asked saying who do I want to be?

I want to be strong. I want to start dealing with my emotions in a positive way and I want to live each day of my life to the fullest. I want to have a mortgage in the next 2 years. I want to stop worrying about what other people think. I want to start looking after myself, making an effort for me. I want to work on the relationships with the people closest to me. I want to say thank you to my mum and partner for not giving up on me. I am committed to this process and I am committed to working on various aspects of my life.

I am going to be strong and I am going to look forward.

Day 5.

Quite ironic really it's been nearly 5 years since I started gambling. They say 'one spin can change your life' and they are right, oh how my life has changed since my first spin.. From something that started off as totally innocent and fun in the first year or so to now. It scares me. The money, the time, the lies, the effort keeping up the facade that everything is okay. I feel exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I do not want to live a lie anymore. I do not want to hurt the people I love anymore. I do not want to hurt myself anymore. Sometimes I am physically sick from gambling, afterwards I always feel better, telling myself it's my punishment, it's the badness coming out of me. The past two days I have woken up and my body has been on fire, so hot just like a car overheats and needs a rest I think it was my bodies way of telling me it can't cope with this much longer. I need to stop.

Today I am scared. Scared I won't be able to do this. Scared I will ruin the rest of my life. Scared I will never be happy. Scared I will always feel like a failure. Scared I am not good enough.

I hate myself. And I feel so stupid.

I know at some point I need to address the reasons why I gamble and I think that is what scares me most.

But for now this is my day 5 and I will be strong.

' Who am I ? '

That line alone tells a lot about this person behind the key board!!

It tells me that your asking the right questions of your self. It also tells me that your in the process of altering your ' auto pilot '. In fact post #6 also says a lot about you and to start flipping them thoughts , start with a spring board of being nice to your self.

Stay close to the forum as another spring board, read, post and thus addiction malarkey will start unravelling.

I wish you well.....

Makes you feel ill doesn't it. I have felt very low for last 2 weeks , win or loose gambling mucks with our calm and sanity. Made myself snap out of it today after seeing real problems in Manchester. My problems are self made

Thank you to everyone who has commented on my diary.

Maybenow, your post really stuck a nerve with me: "When I stopped faking my own strength is when I started to feel stronger, but I still get scared at times". Thank you and thank you for your insight. This really reasonated with me; I never let my guard down and I always act like I am okay. You are one very brave lady.

Volcano- you are right we should stay close to this platform for support. I have not posted for a while, as sometimes I have trouble trying to collect my thoughts and trying to put into words what I want to write, but I have found during these times reading the diaries of others has been a great help. So thank you and I will stay close.

Katiecoo- I know exactly what you mean. There are so many awful things happening in the world.

Best of luck with your journey.

Today is my Day 10. Still staying strong, trying to keep busy. I've felt very tired recently. Best wishes to everyone.

Keep going Who Am I! You're doing superbly. First milestone completed of getting to double figures. Next target should be 2 whole weeks!

Let's get yourself back to happiness... 🙂

Day 12.

Feeling tearful today, but thankful I have not gambled.

Thank you Moorey, that is my goal; getting back to happiness.

Today I am going to keep myself busy by doing abit of cleaning, going food shopping, having a walk and cooking a nice tea.

Today I am grateful to be able to go food shopping. There have been times in the past when I have gambled so much we haven't really had any money for basics such as food. It's amazing in those situations how far you can make a fiver go when you have to and how resourceful you become. I would often lie to people about what I'd had for tea, just a part of keeping up the act. I feel so guilty thinking of the times that my gambling has not only affected me, but my partner.

He says to me: 'I just want you back'.

I asked him this morning if he thinks I am changing and he said yes, but I can tell you are still beating yourself up. I am. I don't think I will be able to forgive myself fully for a long time. How can a person do that to someone they love? How can he still love me?

Thankyou so much ' Who am I ' for your kind words in my diary . Your support makes me stronger on my journey of recovery . To love and respect others we also need our own love respect and gentleness . We are not monsters but people who have an illness . Our medicine is positive thinking and taking steps to keep us secure and safe from an addiction which can cause so much distress and suffering . Learning from the past is good but its preferable to focus on the future and our recovery . Beating ourselves up doesn't help in my opinion . From my own experience its a narrow line between remorse and self pity . My heart goes out to you and I ask that your angels gather round and bring you happiness and contentment .

Thank you Abstainer, those 'angels' have really been around me today. I have found this day very difficult and I'm glad it's nearly over to be honest.

Thank you for posting on my diary! Good luck with your recovery - you are doing well so keep up the good work!

Hello 'WAI'

re post #12 and your last paragraph, I think it's your partner who will be able to answer your user name question.

I obviously don't know you, but your obviously a nice natured person who got lost like the rest of us.... Not the first and unfortunately not the last as the world keeps revolving....

Thank you 'Who am I ' . Your kind words of encouragement help my recovery . Wishing you every success in getting your life back on track and finding peace happiness and contentment .